absence

the absence of activity comes from a new epiphany. i guess i should have seen this earlier, but it is never to late to realise the truth.

let this blog be a reminder rather than a story. let this post remind me, for the future. at anytime you read this, think again, and try to remember what brought you to this path. the road that you have taken, think back, and remember. promise yourself, that you can't look back. instead, be wiser, and learn to choose better.

the human heart is a very complex thing. physiologically, it's only a muscle. however, there's more to that socially. however, i don't really wanna comprehend the secrets that lie within. all i ask, is just for you to be strong, and listen to the sound judgement. for you can be strength, for you can be weakness... learn.

emotions are but a matter of perception. people see what you want them to see.. so, show them what they want. life is only but a masquerade. wear the masque well, and you will go far. take it off, and you'll be eliminated. so, when you read this again. remember.

that's all i have for the moment.

ciao

drunk

so, i finally figured out where the problem was. it wasn't with anyone else, it wasn't with anything else. but the root of everything was me. myself. the very person who caused so much distress in my life is myself. if i had not let it fester, it wouldn't have happened. if it wasn't my stubborness, and my inability to control myself, it wouldn't happen. it it wasn't for my failure, then i wouldn't have caused myself that much hurt and pain.

probably it really take me quite a while to realise it, and probably i have realised it, but i fail to take it to heart. i failed to bring myself to accept the fact, in which i should have done so earlier. gosh, i failed in my practise. all because of the stupid thought that i could. probably i should really look in the mirror and re-evaluate myself. the monster that stares back needs to be taught a lesson in life, and move on to continue being the monster...

i finally got what i wanted, and a little bit more. managed to get myself dead drunk last friday, and then, for that added effect, and accident. the amazing part of driving into someone's porch (and through its hedge), is that it will sober up a person immediately (albeit temporarily). i do wonder what was i thinking. but then, i did get dead drunk, and finally threw up. oh, the feeling.. it's so painful that i like it....

to think that i actually could have been dead twice in the same day, and yet managed to walk out alive and unharmed... probably i have my guardian angels to thank (as someone put it). but then, deep down... somewhere very deep down in my heart, there is also a part that wished that i was dead, and everything would be ok.. i guess that subconscious thinking actually blurred me and led to my accident... and now, oh, how i wish i am a has been....

the funny part about growing up is.. when you fail to perform, u do hope someone will lecture you. scold u, or reprimand you.. but my parents are not doing this to me over this incident. in fact, dad was supporting me to go out to socialise and not coop myself up.. but reality is, i do admit, i am suffering from mild post-traumatic stress disorder. i have learnt it, and am suffering from it. will try to get through it, but i guess it will take some time...

although i have told myself to move on, i couldn't find myself a direction anymore. in fact, this morning, i was in a total loss of what to do. i don't even know how to go on with life, and all i am doing now, is just living it from day to day.. i think i need to seek professional help..

enough of my crazy stories. still need to find some time for myself, and learn how to live again. however, i don't think i can break away from self guilt, disappointment and self resent anymore. only time will muffle these wounds, for they can never be healed...NEVER

ciao