Paradox

it has been a week since i last posted something here. however, not much have been changed in the past week. work is still crazy, and in fact, have gotten so hectic that i finally have homework. i actually brought back materials to write 2 articles over the weekend. however, a day and night have paseed, and i have yet to write a single word for my article. probably i'm just a little too tired and exhausted to work my brain. some may think that i just came back from a holiday and should be all charged up to perform, but i guess they don't know the stories/drama/action behind the holidays.

being expressive. being dramatic. being brash and outspoken. but that doesn't mean that i come from drama school, does it? in these couple of weeks, i've been mistaken for about 3 times that i come from drama school, or have performing arts as my background. now, am i supposed to be flattered or offended? i dunno.

somehow, spilling my thoughts and emotions to ppl closest to me is starting to have its reflex action. i am now starting to feel insecure again. starting to worry about views, judgements and words. however, i can't seem to control myself and keep on blabbering... even spilling out previous demons in the closet such as my many suicide attempts over the years.. sorry, i don't mean to shock you, but trust me.. i survived about 4 or 5, and many more of those thoughts.

was recently reminded by a friend the reason i wear a ring on my left first finger. thank you so much before i become another person that is dangerous. will stick on with the ring, and am not sure when it will come off. probably when the time is right... someday.

just a hypothetical situation: you are eating a nice plate of pot roast, and you are nearly full. the meat was succulent and tender, and everything was just right. somehow or other, suddenly, you are being served a plate of meatballs spaghetti. what would you do? do you reject it? or do you eat it up? what if the spaghetti is really really delicious? but will the cheese make you sick? i dunno.. pray tell.

life is such a paradox. sometimes, i do wonder how i get along with it..

i have seen, learnt and understand. it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't real and true. and now that i have seen it. it's time to just....walk away, or can i?

am gaga-fied. and after finding out the meaning behind the song of bad romance, it resonates so badly with me.. and i am really loving it. i do wonder, though.. where did gaga get her dresses. weird, quirky and yet so amazing. she's an inspiration.

think i'll cut down on some drinking now. should really pay attention to my health and also my resources. don't think my digestive system can take that much alcohol, and not when i have bad gastric history (back in the past week again)..hmm

signing off now

before the worst - the script

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to loose, but so much to gain
Are hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you where mine for life

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

-just happen to read this from 'the script'-

happy

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You cant have everything

Dont you take chances
You might feel the pain
Dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free

I cant stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Dont care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

- the above was taken from the song happy, by leona lewis-
do read, and just enjoy the lyrics.

Ave Maria

It's been two tumultus week since i last posting anything on the site. There came a point when i wanted to leave it as it is, as a reminder to myself on the percieved opinion of me.. however, i think it's time to move on, and not let another person affect me anymore.

I guess i was lost in so many ways when the letter came. But i guess i was lucky that i had my angels to guide me through the darkness. they thought me how it was to be a better person, someone with more sense, the the knowledge that it is not worth throwing away everything that i have earned for myself for some folly. but then again, the letter also made me think.. if i'd been described to such an evil person, perhaps i should live up to the reputation.. hahaha

I found a new meaning to life to, when i actually took the time off to volunteer at the shelter. there, i met a new set of beings, of life, which treasures friends and company, and will love back at no cost. i guess those dogs that i have played with thought me a very beautiful lesson. and they are really beautiful in their own.. i wonder if i can ever face the fact that some of these lovely creatures will be put to sleep because of anthropogenic actions on them..

I gave myseld another chance, and caught 17again.. and boy, that movie has the greatest faux pas ever!! come on, hippogriffs were not in existence in 1989!! (same goes to harry potter)!! btw, those spock ears are really funny (i guess it's a tribute of sorts to the recent star trek movie). a certain person commented that it would give anything to be with zac efron.. seriously? i guess he's too busy making movies, being famous and a himbo that he'll barely have time to realise what love really is (btw, he's got v.hudgens)..anyway, i'll only give the movie rating 4/10. didn't really enjoy it.

Am now drowning myself with work, and may even try to apply to do my internship with ensearch..hopefully, i'll be selected, and off i go, two weeks to some other country, to learn about environment and what's not. it beats being in this place, going along with my routine.

also, am in the midst of researching a suitable topic to be submitted as a proposal to further my studies. i guess eventually, i'm more suited in the academy, whereby human contact is limited, and i can really pour myself over all those books, reports etc.

'Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While your busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand'

I picked this line up from beyonce's ave maria.. i do wonder..

'In your heart, can't you feel the glory?'

Another line telling me to stay strong.
lastly, from my celine:
'what do say to taking chances?'

i guess i should start to take my chances, rather than lying low and fade away. i shall pull myself from the shadow pits, and make myself stronger and brighter. I'll never know if there's hell beneath or a hand to hold, but at least i can say that i've tried.

ciao
'Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee'

over the rainbow

somewhere, someplace, over the rainbow... i know i will find my calling. in the place where troubles melt like lemondrops, away above the chimney tops...that's where you'll find me..

i hope to reach that lovely place sang by eva cassidy soon. seriously, that place seems so beautiful. so tempting, that it makes me wonder what am i doing here? but then, which rainbow am i to follow? and i am not a bird, i can't fly over the rainbow..haih.

i realised that i just can't keep my mouth (or my fingers, for the matter) shut... last night was another night when i poured, yet again, another part of my soul to a friend. i am really disappointed by myself. i couldn't even stay to the promise to shut myself up..why...

but one thing i am proud of.. i have clearly taken my stand on not clubbing anymore. temptations can come from anywhere, but i really think that it's set in stone now. no more clubbing for me..

hmm... so, i've got rhythm, but no soul... i've got hips, but no hop.. techniques, but no energy. thanks anyway. at least i know where i stand.

i think i also deserve another slap for talking about others. sometimes, we can't help but to share opinions. and somehow, i think it's related to me, or at least a little bit. so, u can't blame me if i shall play the political game too. hey, it's a dog eat dog world. if i can't fend for myself, who will do so for me?

maybe i'm a little affected with the ancient war books that i'm reading, and perhaps a little from the movie today too. went for 'three kingdoms: resurrection of the dragon' today, with my granny. it was a nice watch. i'm always interested in ancient cultures, especially the chinese, and i wouldn't give it up for anything. but i think all the ruthless killings, the scheming, and all have got into me a little...

anyway, i'll still say that it's a nice show. go watch if u have the time.

ciao
je t'aime
ben

if happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow...then why, oh why, can't i???

bleeding love

are you hooked on the x-factor lass, leona lewis?? i know i am. her song is constantly in playback in my brain. i can only hear the chorus in me over and over again. well, i think it's a nice song. and probably a very very minute fraction of my soul could resonate with it..hmm.
well, just something about her.. she's only exactly one month older than me. damn it. she's turning 23, and i'm also turning 23 (30 days later), and she's a celeb. what about me? i am nobody in life. guess that's just the plain irony of life.
well, i am also bleeding love, albiet my wound is very very small...

mamma say, mamma sa, mamma coosa

chant it with me:
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa

haha..don't ask me what it means.. it's just that i find it so cute. all thanks (or no thanks) to rihanna (don't stop the music). can't help when i have that track on repeat, and i am constantly bouncing to the beat. somehow, the body jam breakout got me hooked and i am not sick of dancing to it yet. i just love the jump

mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa

nothing much to blog about (considering the time from the previous post to this post is rather short). just another normal day, with my hands full on the ps2 game, observing bettas breeding, yoga....haih.

somehow or other, i was really really tired today. dunno what got onto me. i nearly fell asleep doing yoga poses (and mind u, they were not easy).

i'd just remember, i didn't put up some of my thoughts, so here goes:
1) me vegan on tuesday.. wondering what to eat?? any ideas on what to eat? or maybe i should just cook some veges by myself
2) i wanna bake some cookies for CNY. am still looking for the perfect recipe.
3) the moon is really beautiful today. when was the last time that u took a look at the moon?? i'd reckon that u guys keep a lookout for her for the next few days cos she's really beautiful
4) mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
5) i am determined to take the balance training...but should i also do the flow yoga training. how bout jam? should i take it? am i good? or just as bad as sean?? i wonder
6) thaipusam....
7) i want more clothes.. i just don't have enough. oh, and on clothes, i am considerign altering a pair of pants so that i can wear it for balance. hmm. wonder if it will be successful. maybe i can put my label there too. [Q] designs.

ok, ciao
je t'aime
ben

sorry for the stale blog. i know that it's been days since i last updated, but i seriously can't find a good oppurtunity to blog. besides, the thoughts in my head are so random that i can't really focus on something to blog about it. take now for instance, my brain is filled with the spice girls, some manga, gym and weight issues, as well as my uni problems.

one painful lesson i learnt this morning. never, NEVER, not check for your belongings the night before the exams. i conveniently idled my holidays away and didn't study much. hence, i had to cramp 14 chapters in 2 days for the paper this morning. somehow, it kinda skipped my mind to check for my pencil case and exam slip the night before. hence, me went to bed...come this morning, i was launched into panic state level 7/10. i couldn't find my pencil case, nor my exam slip. i searched high and low, time was running out, and the weather was gloom..then, only did i remember that i left it in the lab since last friday. could you believe it? friday to wednesday..gosh. therefore, i had to speed in the drizzle, up to uni, collect my pencil case, only to realise that my exam slip is in the bag that i'm carrying. thank goodness i made it to the exam hall on time and managed to finish my paper. one lesson learned: panicking before exams (especially for trivial matters) may lead to unrest...

i was reading KH's blog just now, and was touched by a few post on having faith and the power of prayers. i kinda lost faith in many things for quite a while. and i don't believe in prayers. however, there is this weird feeling in me to do some good lately, and restore my faith that there's hope in humanity. ever get the feeling of stopping and do something good? i nearly did that last friday night. however, i think there were other things holding my back like my ego or something. however, the feeling was just weird and overwhelming.

oh readers, go check out the new spice girls video. it's titled headlines (friendship never ends). it's beautiful. and do check out geri's abs. they are fabulous. it's amazing that a mother can have those abs while i'm stuck with a beer belly. i need to work harder. and the recent stress is not helping me reach my target. take today, i was so stressed out that i ate more and decided to skip gym and took a long afternoon nap instead. now, i'm feeling guilty and will compensate for gym time tomorrow.

oh, and to all indian bloggers/readers, happy celebrating diwali/deepavali, the festival of lights. may the light of goodness forever truimph over evil (evil ppl like me should be wary..haha).

ciao
je t'aime

argh!!! celine's new single is currently on air now. i know. it's been years since the last album was produced, and i can hardly wait for this one. watched the video clip from youtube. it was good, but somehow, the plot doesn't relate. i just can't wait to get my hands on the album. anyway, while i was browsing on youtube, i found another song of hers which i didn't know have an mv. i'm talking about je t'aime encore. it's the french version though. i love that song. i love that song so much that it tops my playlist (ok, maybe not top, but it's there).
anyway, while i was on youtube, i also manage to find a few other songs worthy of a place in this blog. it may be old, but it brings back all the memories. (private moment: tears actually welled my eyes while i was watching the ending scene from 'the butterfly lovers' just now)

exams are round the corner. as a matter of fact, it's only 4 days away from my first paper. somehow, i don't feel that anxious. it's health psychology, so hopefully i'll manage to score the paper. i've been so engaged with my final year project that i kinda forgotten about my other responsibilities like my studies...gosh, this project is really taking a toll on me.

i finally found the cure of almost all form of depression.....McDonald's Cornetto McFlurry.. ok, i may be exaggerating there, but the McFlurry is a must have. i had both early this morning (at 1 a.m.), and they were heavenly. my gosh, the chocolate chips, peanuts, strawberry chunks. apparently, all my work out went down the drain with the double dose of dessert...but it was worth it. superb

here's another restaurant worthy of mention: sri ananda bhawan, in tanjung bungah. well, it's my friday hang-out place now. the food there is really delicious. patrons should try the vadai, naan and tandoori set. it's really nice. apart from the food, the ambience there is really nice too. it's not like any other north indian restaurant, this place rocks (literally and figuratively). guys, check it out if u have the time. the only downside, they closes at 12.30 a.m., so you can't linger there long..