Time

time. how i wish i could turn it back. back to the time, where certain events did not take place. wish i could do it all again, but this time, only in a different manner. but then, again, wishful thinking. when will i ever realise that time lost is time never to be regained. it is only now time for me to look forwards, and move on.

and this time, i shall be doing it right. never again will it happen. this time, i sought my own misery. there shall be no next time. i call it quits now. there is no point for me to harp around, and be upset by the matters. it happened this time, but i swear ( and i really swear), never again will it happen.

the future. i am not certain what are the things to come. what to expect. are those possible futures that i see? or should i give everything up. i am at crossroads now, and it is hitting hard on me. where should i go?

no matter what the road, i shall channel my focus to my decision. no more fooling around. just energy and attention to the sole focus, even if it means wandering the earth as a penniless vagrant. no looking back. no regrets.

ciao
time, something to love and hate. tell me how to stop...

belated birthday blog

turning a year older may not be an easy thing for some, especially for me. while some tend to take it easy, and embrace it, it was harder for me. well, i guess being a quarter century old has its ups and downs. seriously, i had never envisage a life after 25. i don't see what i will become at 26, 27, 28 and so on. so, i guess it was a hard thing for me. but having said that, life still goes on, and i will march on ahead.

probably the blessing for this year is that i get to escape from loads and loads of affection. while some have conveniently forgotten, i get to escape with the pre-requisite dinners, sing-songs, candle blowing shit. i guess mondays are not that bad after all. however, i will not forget those who had spared the effort to help me celebrate. in fact, two people just bought me belated b'day meals.. no fan fare, just nice simple dinner.

also, i think i did turn a little wiser. i managed to see through it, i managed to expect the unexpected, and also not put hope on what i expect. although i may be frustrated to a certain point, i guess i've learnt to let go, and let live. after all, i cannot expect things to remain the same, forever. sometimes, things may turn out better, at times, it may turn out worst. so, i guess we have to accept both outcomes, no matter what it may be.

just a random thought. i had two cakes, and both were celebrated with ppl singing. while they may attempt to display enthusiasm, it did seem as if it was a funeral, and they were singing a requim. how apt. and the best part, the gift.. haha. a candle. couldn't be more fitting, then a gift to light my way in the afterlife. although i may not be certain what lies in the afterlife, i don't mind a light to guide my path. i've wandered in the dark enough here..

i guess this is as much as i can think of right now. work lies ahead, and that is what i am ready to take on. then, studies. as to the other matters.. i guess they can wait.

cheers

Closure..beginning

after missing in action for a while, i guess it is time to come back to blogosphere, and re-compose my thoughts. i never thought it would be that hard, but it was certainly an obstacle that i had to make it through. now it is done and over with, i guess i can move on. i have to admit, remnants of the obstacle will remain, but again, i will not let it have the better part of me.

looking back, the hiatus allowed me a lot of time to do some soul searching. i had no idea what i was looking for, but i guess eventually, everything cleared out. i can see that it is finally time to stop fooling around anymore. time to get back to my studies, time to make plans for the future, and time to 'clean up' my act.

it's also been a while since i came back from japan. then, it was followed by the chinese new year, and other work commitments, societal commitments, i guess i really lack the energy to move forward anymore. i've tried to dedicate myself so much to work, and then trying to lead a normal life. but i guess that cannot be helped. how do i start over? where do i start over? i need an answer.. but i believe those questions will never be answered.

as of now, i am officially a quarter century old. yup, all those saying, it is finally here. i hated every moment of it, am still hating it, but i guess i still have to put on a smile everyday. i wish it could all end now, but i guess it is not that easy.. if only there are options. some way. somehow, why are we not deciding our life? why are we being dictated by social norms, by other ppl's choices and options, and to a further extend, some unknown forces that controls life and death. why can't we just option to press the button, and let it all end.

sometimes, do you ever wonder if it is worth wasting all the energy and effort? all the thoughts, emotions, and work? just for an impulsive moment? and finally, regretting it later. i know it is too late to regret it now, and it has being done, but i just can't help but to feel a little irked by that. i need a closure, i believe it is there, but why can't i reach out to it, and close it up.

somebody save me..
teach me how to cry, and i will live and let die.

am off again. for how long, i am not sure. probably i'll be back. soon

cheers