the end of 2010

it's been a while since i last posted something up on this blog. i have to admit, i did become lazy. but apart from that, there is nothing much worth sharing, or i feel would matter to people anymore. now, don't get me wrong. i still get my ups and downs for the past few months, but i guess i just couldn't find the heart to put it all in words.

here's a recap for future reference:

1. work sucks. as much as people think that my work involves sitting in front of the computer and idling my time on facebook, that is not the truth. i face my own trials and tribulations that i can't seem to share with anyone. working in a place whereby politics is taken to the extreme is not satisfying. the situation worsens when the pay is not enough to sustain my lifestyle and support my future. the final straw: i'm starting to lose my job satisfaction. however, come 2011, i have resolved to settle all this once and for all. i am returning to uni to continue my post-graduate studies.. hopefully for my PhD.

2. gym. i've worked my ass for things to happen. sadly, things won't happen just the way that i want. i can't seem to get the body that i want. worst still, i am aging drastically, and it won't be long before i lose everything. will i able to achieve it? as much as my mind wants it, i don't think my body is able to take it anymore. in fact, i am suffering from fatigue...

3. passion. in delivering my job as an instructor, i try to do it with as much passion as i could. i prepare my best, perform my best, and deliver my best. but, will people ever realise that? with class numbers dropping, it will be a matter of time before i become irrelevant, and obsolete. so, what is the point of me continuing? coupled with other factors such as politics and ego, being an instructor is not that sweet after all..

4. friends. i am lucky to have them. it is amazing how small gestures shown by some people managed to warm the heart. i don't expect much (because everything always never meet my expectations), but i am certainly grateful for the blessed souls that surrounds me. christmas just passed by, but blessed are the souls that shared their love with me.

5. limerence. it's been a while. i have learnt to let go on one. sadly, i am stupid just to fall for another. worst still, you don't even know that i exists. i have given up on love a long long time ago, and yet, you managed to shatter the inner core of my heart, bringing back that spark. but i have to say, that spark is slowly dying off again. i know that deep down, i can never have you. i guess i am still blessed to be able to love you and see you love others.

6. kindness. life has been kind to me. although 2010 wasn't a piece of cake, i still managed to walk out of it with some sweetness in my heart. there are memories that are really worth keeping, and bitter experiences that i shall learn from. but most importantly, i managed to walk out of it as pure as the lotus that emerges from the muddy lake.

what is in store for 2011, i don't know. i don't wanna unravel the future, and allow it to consume me. i understand that there is still hope left, and my only hope is to survive it as happily as i can be. i have never pictured myself going beyond the 25th year of my life, hence it is unchartered territory for me for the coming year. let's hope i survive it, and manage to enjoy most of it.

resolutions, i don't make any. as usual, carpe diem.. just let it be