motions

i guess i can never stop feeling the fatigue and the lethargy that life has bestowed upon me. everything seems to be changing so fast. the pace is so rapid that sometimes, i am left behind the chase. seriously. should i even be chasing the change? or just ignore it and remain status quo? sadly, life is not an island, where change can be resisted, or just drowned with the water. tell me how am i to cope..

a friend is finally gone. as my friends suggested, i guess i should acknowledge the feeling. yes, i did love. and i am happy that i did, for now, i carry this love with me knowing that this person is happier at the new place. it may be hard, but i have learnt to wish happiness and joy to this person, for that is the power of love.

but then again, what about myself. am i moving in the right direction? is it love of lust that is driving me? how much and how long can i go? is it even the right choice? or is it a choice of desperation? i can see that things are good, but am i even ready to make such changes in my life?

nevertheless, some things did have change. i guess i am happy that it all happened when i'm still 25, and 25 is certainly a wonderful year. but is it for real? it was certainly, and i did take the extreme chance. doing things beyond my norm. but am i going too fast? too far? to extreme? i don't know. what i do know is someone is proud of me that i am growing up. but am i certain that i've grown??

i don't believe in god. but at this point, i just need more strength from whoever and whatever, to help me move on with life. i admit that i am fragile, hence i need all the support that is available. will you support me?

ciao

the social butterfly

the social butterfly, fluttering from one table to one table, exchanging greetings, sharing a toast, bursting with laughter and smiles... but deep down, there lies a bigger lie. the social butterfly is not happy. the social butterfly is nearing death. if only the social butterfly can pick itself up, and fly towards the flame, allowing it to be consumed, and reduced to ashes and dust.. if only it had.

sick. fatigue. lethargy. probably these words can best descibe me now, and in fact, most of the time. i am so sick of this thing called life, as it is leading me no where. where are the ups? and where are the downs? and how do we differentiate it? probably for an introvert like me, the up periods should be those when i am alone, reeling in my own energy. if that's the case, then why ain't i happy?

fatigue. my body is telling me that i should be wasting it that much. i should learn how to take care of it. but am i listening? do i want to listen? and can i afford to listen? everyone desires for some achievement in a certain period of time. milestones, they call it. it is now the 3rd of April. exactly a month until i turn 26. but what are my milestones, and have i achieve what i've set out to get? did i manage to change my life? nothing. instead, all i have is this whole sense of fatigue, making me wish that i can lie on the bed for a long long time without waking or moving. eternel sleep, how i wish it can come to me.

lethargy. my mind is fried. my emotions are burnt, and my strength is spent. i've tried stepping out of my comfort zone, taking the various chances. all i get are just rejections, one after another. probably it is time that i call it quits, and set forth to renounce what i've got. probably a solitary life, devoid of temptations and mundane influences, is what i need to attain inner peace.

ever so often, i have to be the caring one. the one, where his shoulders are ready to support the burdens of the world. the one, where i open the door, allow you in, pamper you, shower you with attention and love. the one that is everything but all that i set out to be. when will i ever get to lie on someone's shoulder, pouring my heart out to it? when will someone hold the door, or tell me that it'll be there waiting for me? when will the person be able to take me into its arms, without caring about my looks, my skin, my colour, my religion, and my wallet. there is still a part of me that hopes for that to happen, but as i have always thought, and maintain, good things do not happen to me.

waiting for the end to come.

if only there's someone who is willing to buy me a bottle of ice cold beer..