screwed up experiment...

i guess perhaps that's the best thing to describe what i am. probably when the higher powers decided to created me, the weren't sure of what to do, hence they screwed up. or perhaps this is the punishment for an inter-racial marriage (no offence to my parents). but this much i can say, i am a screw up..

here are a few points on why i would say so.. (was thinking of this while i was riding home from gym..hehe)
1. well, i love music. i love to sing. i can still carry a tune..but the bad part, i don't have a voice to sing. i don't have an original voice, always stuck in falsetto, and sounds aweful. wonder what was the higher power thinking when it was 'creating' my voice box
2. besides singing, i love to dance also. i was interested in classical dance, and now, some contemporary dance.. however, this passion have to take a backseat during high school, when i thought that i had two left feet. but being back in the picture is not too good either. i was told that i don't convey the passion and the energy in my dance...now, o' higher power..is this any better than having two left feet??
3. the higher powers decided to give me intelligence. i strived hard and made it to the ivory towers..but now, i don't have a job. i'm to fend for myself with nothing in hand.. is this for your enjoyment??
4. i must say, i have a rather good eye for fashion. in fact, i could tell out fabrics, match colours and patterns...but the higher powers decided not to give me the talent in drawing..
5. long ago, a little boy had the dream of being a model...but he wasn't model behaviour. hence, he learned the catwalk, developed a keen sense of fashion, and changed his image...now, time passed. the little boy changed..but guess the higher powers had the upper hand as they didn't wanna hand him charisma and stage presence...
6. then, the higher powers also decided to ruin the little boy's life by restricting his heart. now, the grown boy couldn't find his heart, and couldn't afford to love or shower anyone with affection....besides, the higher power also decided that the little boy doesn't deserve to be loved..haha

well, this was all i could think off in 20 minutes from the gym. when i reached home, i was wondering..am i lucky? or perhaps the guy with down syndrome is happier than i am.. perhaps he's better, as he's void of stress and not bugged down with all the emotional baggage....

then it came to mind.. will i be better off if i continue with what i am doing? or perhaps i should change radically. actually, the thought of being a monk and renouncing the world have been playing in my head for quite a while. there's a part in me that says that there is nothing left here for me, and i should just go be a monk... but there's also this part of me that is not ready and is still attached to worldly affairs..

guess i should enhance my cultivation, and perhaps one day, i'll take the road less travelled.

until then, perhaps i'll share some good news.. i am going for the body balance training next month. the chance is finally here..and i am seizing the moment. however, i must add, this decision didn't come easily. a few days ago, i was so tempted to just forget about going for any training, or having associating myself with anything to do with yoga, balance, or jam...but i guess the higher powers decided otherwise again...haih

is this some sort of sick joke? to screw up my life? or am i just another screwed experiment in the faulty lab of yours??? perhaps i'll be better off as a butterfly.. or heck, being my pet dog is even better than being me...

well, sorry for the emo post after all the joyous moment from the concert. perhaps all the euphoria have finally disappeared and now, it's back to the relative reality of mine...

ciao
je t'aime (again, seriously?? i have no faculty to love...)
ben