silent requiem

how far would a woman go when she's scorned?? will she run amuck?? or blow her top off?? that may seem gentle compared to what my cousin's girlfriend did.. she jumped from the 13th floor of her apartment. makes me wonder, is it even worth it?? being a rich, young, beautiful and educated woman, i really couldn't sink the fact that she'd actually taken her life over a man which is not worth it!!.

another cause of wonder.. what were her last thoughts as she was falling to her death? what was she thinking? or who? or what?? or even, what was she trying to say when she jumped. had she yell for help?? or is she so frightened that she's lost her voice?? and then, what was the feeling when she landed. did she feel the bump, and gone?? or was she in pain and then she left?? i've heard once that a falling person may actually lose consciousness and then land and die.. i seriously wonder what she'd felt..

well, whatever it is, i guess i can only offer my condolences from afar.. grief may consume those who loved her.. but i wonder also, what's playing in my cousin's mind?? will she leave a permanent mark there?? or will he get over her after the mourning period?? heck, they're not even married.. will he even mourn for her??
deep down, i can foresee sending my cousin to jail too, for unintentional cause of death.. pity, i have none for either.

that brings me to another thought.. will i ever jump? i'd consider that many many times, especially when i'm depressed. but will i ever take that fatal leap.. crossing into the nethers?? i've done the leap of faith for scuba.. something similar, but i know life is preserved.. but what will i feel when i fall?? will i be able to fold my arms across my chest, etch a smile on my face, and be serene?? or will i land with a splat?? arms flailing everywhere, dismembered appendages strewn across the floor?? guess i will never know, will i.. and when i finally take that leap, i guess i will never feel anymore.

well, don't worry as i won't take that leap now..
circumstances have hurt me enough. i have none to blame but myself.. for all the grief and pain. i should have known better, but i guess it was better for me to restrain myself now, then to fall into a deeper pit of despair.

a little emotional now, as probably the paracetamol is taking it's course in my veins. apparently, i've been emotional the whole week.. but i guess, human emotions can't escape me.. no matter how hard i try. some day..some day, i shall harden to the point of non-human.. i'm working on it, and i hope that day will arrive soon.

ok, enough of rambling. signing off

ciao
ben