my last day...

ok, the title did come off a little dramatic. no worries, i am not ending my life. just reminiscing some of the happenings of my 25th year of existence. after that, am starting again at 26, and i do wonder what is in store for me...

25. the year of taking risks. one too many risks, and one too many mistakes. i never expected it to be that way, and all the hurt and pain was too great to bear. but i think i must move on. but then, i also do wonder, why isn't the powers that be allowing me to move on. i hate all those tricks that you are playing on me. i'm starting to take baby steps and you put a whole freaking stumbling block in front of me. are you trying to tell me that i am going into a pithole again? will i ever see the sunshine? or will i forever be trapped in this darkness..

gaga says: everyone is beautiful in their own way cos God makes no mistakes.
i say: Gaga is wrong. God's only mistake is me.. but no worries, his mistake will not last long.

purity is, but the past now, as i write. although i don't regret it, i will also not deny the conflict deep within. will i fail to walk the paths of the enlightened?

is a house really a home without love? denied in the song, i am starting to feel the same here. what are my options? how do i leave? will i be able to pack up, and just walk out of this place, leaving this misery forever? will i be able to support myself to walk away, and to never look back. i want tabula rasa. but is tabula rasa even available? can i severe all relations, all ties, all friends, and all family.. to start anew?

let's hope there are some new developments for my 26th year. like i've mentioned before, i only saw myself living up to 25. i don't even see anything between 26 to 30..or even beyond that.

lastly, i can't help but to feel as if i'm walking onto this huge wall. i gave my all. ditch my ego, dropped my defences, and lay down my weapons. and what do i get in return? walls and walls. probably by the end of the day, i wil end up rebuilding my freaking fort, with a shattered core. all over again. is it worth it? i don't know

[i see you both side by side on FB chat!! WTF!!]

happy jar (my first 26th birthday gift). but will i be happy?? haha. anyway, thanks for the thought. i do agree, it's not simple to buy things for me. but i wasn't expecting anything anyway. all i wanted was just good company. precious friends that will be there, one way or another, for me.

friends.

just friends.

(B)e (I)n (T)otal (C)ontrol of (H)im [saw this on a printed tee.. kinda cute, but i just don't dig printed tees]

argh!! i still freaking see you....

anyway, i guess that's all i have for tonight. may want to post something just before i turn 26.. probably, if the conditions permit

ciao