surviving christmas 2011

this post was supposed to be written last night.. but again, i was inspired, but couldn't pull myself off the bed to write it.

it's 6 days until christmas, and 5 days until that dreaded dinner. for once, i have never been so depressed during the season as compared to this year. last year was a wreck for me, and this year, things just got worst. i am dreading every single moment from the start of december, and i wonder how can i even survive until the 31st, and move on to the next year. everyday, a little part seems to die inside of me, making me wonder how many more posts would i survive to write and share.

anyway, it is now the morning of the 19th. significant? probably no more. probably yes, but i am trying my very best not to put anything to the heart. after all, i have other things to focus on. it's been more than a year, and looking back, it was just plain stupid. it has also been 8 months. wreck, yes. any better? no

life is full of mistakes. one of which is trust. i should have never placed trust on anyone. i should have remained true to my old self, to keep it in and never divulge. however, now, i feel betrayed. i feel lost, and i feel battered. and to make it worst, it's not even a war that i saw coming. are we even at war? disappointments, there are many, but does it have to end this way?

at times, i wish that i could be selfish. i should learn how to fend for myself, and not stand out and wait, and hope. i should learn to not hold the light out for anyone. for at the end, i am the very person that is left outside alone. cold.

this year's christmas is slightly different. as mentioned, i hated it when the first signs of christmas was displayed in stores and splashed over the papers, the tv, the radio and other media. i dread it. hence, no tree. it would have been better minus the dinner, and all the other fan fare, but then, a promise/agreement must be kept. however, there is this part of me that wishes that i would fall ill on christmas eve, so that i don't have to attend the dinner and the party.

somehow, i don't think i have the ability to maintain a social life and understanding anymore. crowds frighten me. people intimidate me. somehow, the thought of remaining home in seclusion is comforting. it may not be biggie, but i did nearly pass out from a panic attack while browsing through the mall. what happened, i can't tell. one thing i know, i am not made to live this life.

probably the greatest tip to survive this season is to acknowledge the season. yes. it is that damned christmas. and that damned coming new year. everyone is supposed to be happy. spreading goodwill and peace on earth. having accepted that, only can i develop my thoughts to embrace, deny, reject, embitter or to just mourn the season. i guess i am doing well here. wherein lies the christmas spirit, cheer and pure, undefiled? i have yet to learn. i have also yet to learn to forgive, to forget, and to free.

since i am on a roll, the year hasn't been entirely kind, but neither is it entirely unkind to me. there are certain achievements that i could be proud of. i took a change to rechart my path. but i guess that's all that i can remember. the rest would be memories that haunt me. inner sorrow and fear that torments my existence. and mostly, things that make me want to stop in my tracks, and not start all over.

tabula rasa. is it possible? can i cut everything to let go? how can i erase everything.

there's a notion in me that i may not have written before. i threw away my childhood. i sacrificed my teenage years. but now that i am an adult, i am not going to get back what i have missed, and neither am i getting what i should be getting now. c'est la vie? i have seen better. but what's good is never going to be mine. in fact, nothing is ever going to be mine.

probably i should really reset my targets, and reorient my focus for the coming year. i should allow myself to fall, but instead to focus everything that i have on what is important. my studies. love, i have done without since my existence. friends, i can learn to do without (i am already starting to stay away from most of it). family, it is not impossible. nothing should matter any more.

these silent tears, that never fall.. i humbly present as offering to misery. may the best be with you.

blessed christmas

tip 2 to survive christmas: start rejecting people even before christmas. if possible, a 6 months grace period would be good. that would get you all ready to face the season alone.

tip 3: find a new hobby. i am sure, 21 research papers would be enough to fill the season and distract most of my time.

tip 4: get a pet. they help. or plants

tip 5: conveniently store the christmas tree in somewhere hard to reach, so there are no attempts to retrieve it and set it up.

i hate giving. i have had enough of giving. i gave so much, but my returns are not justified. everything, i have given without complaints. even when it hurts me.. i gave. no more. no more will i do it this time.

happy xmas... the war is over

p.s. and yes, happy birthday. even when i don't wanna say it to you. you have having a good time, a good life.. a random speck of dust will never get noticed