520

this post was supposed to be written last night, but i was so tired after the journey back from KL that i couldn't bring myself to compose my thoughts here. the 4 hour ride from KL back to Penang is no good. i spent most of the time staring off the window, looking into space. i conjured enough images in my head to put me back in my place. i brought out the demons and the monsters, to reaffirm that i am just but another monster. i realised that no matter how much i try to reinvent myself, i try to break free, i try to take chances, i am still very much stuck with the monster that i am now. my only solace would be music, but i do wonder.. what is my limit? when will i finally crack and shatter? the fool. in the tarot, the fool is the first card of the major arcana. he can be seen walking near a cliff, never stopping to ponder. he believes in his faith, and will go wherever his path takes him. however, one false look, and the fool will fall. similarly, i was dealt this card over the weekend. i was the fool. furthermore, i took the leap, and i fell. into the abyss of darkness, i did fall. i do wonder why am i so foolish.. but that is what you get when the heart overtakes the mind. again, i lost my rational thought, and done something that i am not proud of.. my saving grace.. i can still walk out from the flames of hell, unscathed. probably this time, i may have burnt a little off my skin, but i am still unharmed. i am still pure. the tears of my misery is still able to put off the fires of hell, and of desire and passion. probably i will forever keep this memory, never wanting it to fade.. but i know.. i survived hell. some random thoughts. man are selfish. it is born within them so that they can survive in this world. random thought 2: what on earth are those people wearing? come on! it is a freaking workout! not a fashion runway. such pretentious people. probably this is the reason why i am very much comfortable with my hometown rather than being in such a pretentious city. random thought 3: i should have reaffirmed my faith and discipline of not finding my own happiness, unless all the others around me are happy. lost. broken ben last random thought: i wonder what would be the stories told, when i pass on? many people know me.. but not everyone knows every single part of me. in fact, no one knows every single part of me.. what will i be? how will i be remembered?

birthday 2012

this post may come as a little surprise, as instead of me doing a recap of my year before my birthday, i am only doing it now. not that i am trying to break free from traditions or anything, but i just wanted to do something different, and also allowing myself some space to see things in a different light. rather than expecting anything, i just let things flow. i am not surprised by the lack of activity or events. in fact, i was hoping for none, for i have so much resentment and loathing inside, it is indescribable. probably it is for the better. at the very least, it was better than the one last year. i learnt one thing, just not to expect anything any more. whatever that i am able to dream and imagine, i know it will not come true. so, it is better not to expect. i have also learnt how not to waste my time and effort any further. at least onto certain things, it is just not worth it. you may think that you want to salvage a situation, make it better? or probably trying to be a bigger person. but somehow, it is just not worth it. i have played my part, but it certainly takes two to tango. i am done with it. scent. never know that i am able to put on something that reminds me of pain, disappointment, frustration, regret and anger. heck, at least it works for me, and i am able to tune into my dark side easily. one thing that remained constant this year... the lack of cake. haha! fantastic, isn't it? at least i don't have to waste a freaking minute seated there wondering when these ppl are gonna stop singing, and just move on. and besides, no cake = no wishes = no disappointment. i am not surprised with myself, when i know that this wish is the darkest amongst the many that i have..