Never did cross my mind that I will be writing back here again so soon. It was after reading several blogs (prompted by a close friend)that I suddenly felt the urge to put down some thoughts onto this digital space. I came across something poignant, the developments of friendship and relationship. This was after reading the blog of a close bud, and his lovely partner. Sure, there's been a lot of ups and downs, but that didn't stop them. There is love going on, and I personally witnessed the love. It did get me thinking lots, and somehow, one thought came into mind. I am tired. Tired to be the shining beacon for everyone. Tired of being there for friends, people, colleagues, affiliates, workers, and everyone else. Also, I am tired of becoming the shoulder for everyone else. I realised that I was the shoulder for many other people, both guys and gals. But at the end of the day, I am alone, lost without a shoulder of my own. No one to give me comforting words, no one to wrap its arms around me assuring that everything will be ok. I am normally self reliant and independent enough to pull myself through the day, but I guess it doesn't hurt once a while to show that I am also weak. Having explored the same blog, I can't help but to feel a little guilty, and am wondering if I did the right thing. Although not directly linked to a situation, I am, however, partly responsible for the falling out of a particular friendship. I don't know if I made the right choice by giving advice, or saying the right thing.. but I certainly didn't mean to destroy certain friendships. Can't help but to feel it's me... On another note, finally got rid of some old 'baggage'. These people are no longer important, and holds no effect to my life anymore. Besides, I don't think they will ever have the same thoughts about me when they decided to end what we had.. Life goes on. Probably it's apt to say thank you, one last time, as one of the person that I removed used to read this blog. But then, I must also say that it is good riddance. Your present fame may take you far, but remember, those who burn the brightest also burn the fastest. One day, when all is dead and gone, and when the dust had settle, you will come to realise the worth of genuine friendship without expectations. But then, telling you this is also like pouring water onto a duck's back. It will never stay. Over a conversation with my bestie, I guess I finally said it. I will only love again when a person sings the dolphin song, when the moon turns red, and when the river Jordan parts for the second time. Hahaha. When commented that I am fussy, I guess I am just impossible. When I don't workout, I feel fat, lazy and useless. When I workout, I feel fat, useless and tired. <- that's my QOTD. I guess I can never overcome that self-loathing, self-hating part of me. I will never come to terms with my body, and I guess it is working to my advantage as other people also cannot come to terms with my body. haha. Random musing: when is a good time to leave all worldly desires behind, and lead a spiritual life. I was thinking of this last night, and wondered if I should just give up everything and move to a monastery now, or shall I wait until I finish my PhD, and then end it all then... Still thinking. I once mused on the story that I would like to tell... probably now that I've come so far, I'd rather that there are no stories being told, and me existence just be erased, without a trace. Until the next time (and I can't tell when) Ciao [Q]

After the storm..

This may probably be a last entry, as a tribute to a friend. After a long time, she still asked me about my blog, and is still trying to push me to write something new. Well, this is for you dearie, and we need to do lunch soon. I just realised that it's been more than a year since I last wrote anything here. Not that the year did past easily, but I just did not have the drive to continue writing. There were ups and there were downs. But I felt it was easier to just pass it through the night, instead of penning down (in this case, typing down) my thoughts. As usual, my thoughts are random, fickle, all over the place, and never seem the same as they pass. Before I can bring myself to this new post, I had to read the past. Boy, I was dark... a little too dark, emotionally. Not that things are any better now, but the darkness is so intense that it is hard to even see any light. Having said that, I did see the light towards the start of this year. But sadly, this light had to be put off as it was burning my hand. It is now back to the same darkness, and it will probably be that way for a long time to come. I've lost that magical feeling, and I don't think things will ever come my way again. Notable changes to this year was that I actually had a birthday cake for my birthday. After a lapse of so many years, I finally had a birthday cake. And it was a huge one to boot. Although the theme for the cake now is passe, I am thankful for the guys for pulling it together. Nevertheless, it was a heartbreaking birthday too. It was the very occasion that I had to resolve and call it quits. It put an end to a connection that was dragging me down into the drains. Thank you for those magical evenings, those wonderful moments. Thank you for the times when we did nothing, but just to idle, and listen to each other. I guess I can say that never will I ever experience someone serenading me ever again, while watching dolphins near the coast of Penang. Lastly thank you for also showing me what it takes to be a person, and a better person that is able to let go. You need to grow up, and I need to take leave. Reading previous posts, I thought I may be able to refocus energy back towards the family. But now that the family is officially broken and torn apart, there is no more need to do that. Good riddance, probably, but I'll make it through. I seal the moment, and have thrown away the key. I will not look back anymore. Ciao Ben