Time

time. how i wish i could turn it back. back to the time, where certain events did not take place. wish i could do it all again, but this time, only in a different manner. but then, again, wishful thinking. when will i ever realise that time lost is time never to be regained. it is only now time for me to look forwards, and move on.

and this time, i shall be doing it right. never again will it happen. this time, i sought my own misery. there shall be no next time. i call it quits now. there is no point for me to harp around, and be upset by the matters. it happened this time, but i swear ( and i really swear), never again will it happen.

the future. i am not certain what are the things to come. what to expect. are those possible futures that i see? or should i give everything up. i am at crossroads now, and it is hitting hard on me. where should i go?

no matter what the road, i shall channel my focus to my decision. no more fooling around. just energy and attention to the sole focus, even if it means wandering the earth as a penniless vagrant. no looking back. no regrets.

ciao
time, something to love and hate. tell me how to stop...

belated birthday blog

turning a year older may not be an easy thing for some, especially for me. while some tend to take it easy, and embrace it, it was harder for me. well, i guess being a quarter century old has its ups and downs. seriously, i had never envisage a life after 25. i don't see what i will become at 26, 27, 28 and so on. so, i guess it was a hard thing for me. but having said that, life still goes on, and i will march on ahead.

probably the blessing for this year is that i get to escape from loads and loads of affection. while some have conveniently forgotten, i get to escape with the pre-requisite dinners, sing-songs, candle blowing shit. i guess mondays are not that bad after all. however, i will not forget those who had spared the effort to help me celebrate. in fact, two people just bought me belated b'day meals.. no fan fare, just nice simple dinner.

also, i think i did turn a little wiser. i managed to see through it, i managed to expect the unexpected, and also not put hope on what i expect. although i may be frustrated to a certain point, i guess i've learnt to let go, and let live. after all, i cannot expect things to remain the same, forever. sometimes, things may turn out better, at times, it may turn out worst. so, i guess we have to accept both outcomes, no matter what it may be.

just a random thought. i had two cakes, and both were celebrated with ppl singing. while they may attempt to display enthusiasm, it did seem as if it was a funeral, and they were singing a requim. how apt. and the best part, the gift.. haha. a candle. couldn't be more fitting, then a gift to light my way in the afterlife. although i may not be certain what lies in the afterlife, i don't mind a light to guide my path. i've wandered in the dark enough here..

i guess this is as much as i can think of right now. work lies ahead, and that is what i am ready to take on. then, studies. as to the other matters.. i guess they can wait.

cheers

Closure..beginning

after missing in action for a while, i guess it is time to come back to blogosphere, and re-compose my thoughts. i never thought it would be that hard, but it was certainly an obstacle that i had to make it through. now it is done and over with, i guess i can move on. i have to admit, remnants of the obstacle will remain, but again, i will not let it have the better part of me.

looking back, the hiatus allowed me a lot of time to do some soul searching. i had no idea what i was looking for, but i guess eventually, everything cleared out. i can see that it is finally time to stop fooling around anymore. time to get back to my studies, time to make plans for the future, and time to 'clean up' my act.

it's also been a while since i came back from japan. then, it was followed by the chinese new year, and other work commitments, societal commitments, i guess i really lack the energy to move forward anymore. i've tried to dedicate myself so much to work, and then trying to lead a normal life. but i guess that cannot be helped. how do i start over? where do i start over? i need an answer.. but i believe those questions will never be answered.

as of now, i am officially a quarter century old. yup, all those saying, it is finally here. i hated every moment of it, am still hating it, but i guess i still have to put on a smile everyday. i wish it could all end now, but i guess it is not that easy.. if only there are options. some way. somehow, why are we not deciding our life? why are we being dictated by social norms, by other ppl's choices and options, and to a further extend, some unknown forces that controls life and death. why can't we just option to press the button, and let it all end.

sometimes, do you ever wonder if it is worth wasting all the energy and effort? all the thoughts, emotions, and work? just for an impulsive moment? and finally, regretting it later. i know it is too late to regret it now, and it has being done, but i just can't help but to feel a little irked by that. i need a closure, i believe it is there, but why can't i reach out to it, and close it up.

somebody save me..
teach me how to cry, and i will live and let die.

am off again. for how long, i am not sure. probably i'll be back. soon

cheers

hibernating part 2?

i'd just realise that the last post was posted when i was in kawasaki. more than a month have passed since then, but i am not keen on posting anything on here yet.

i will be back soon.

ciao

Reporting live.. Kawasaki, Japan

it's been four nights here in Kawasaki, and i have to say, i am loving it. the feeling of being so far away from home, being so far away from everyting else. if only i don't have to wake up from this dream, and face the reality of life. if only all these could last a little longer, and perhaps i will be better.

snow. beautiful.white. that was exactly what i experienced the first night i was here. although this is not my first time walking in the snow, it never failed to impress me how beautiful, pure, and yet cold it is. i guess my emotional manisfestation have even brought forward the love of being in the snow. anyway, i was informed that it rarely snows here, and i was lucky to have experienced the second snowfall this season (in fact, there was a third snow fall last night, but it wasn't just as heavy as the first night. am now praying for more tonight).

shopping.eating.learning.culture. all these aspects have been mentioned so many times in my blog, and this is the first time where i really get to live the life. it is just so amazing to be in a place when there is so much happenings going on. what's more, being the adventurous person that i am, it is no surprise that i have discovered more charm in the city of kawasaki than the industrial estates.

politics.friends.state.self : being on a same trip with one of the most seasoned politician of Penang has its pro and cons. in fact, i've come to learn of more things regarding politics, and also the thinking of the man behind one of the more important portfolios in Penang State Government. besides that, i've also managed to see a more down-to-earth human part for it, and probably did regain some of my trust to exercise my voting rights during the next election.

diva.impressions.celebrity: i guess the water did affect some of my thinking here (or maybe it is just too cold), but i did one of the most amazing things that i wouldn't have done it in penang..taking self portraits. i know, the first thing i expect would be labelled vain. but don't judge me yet. look at the pictures on FB, and then tell me what you think. as to impressions, i didn't know that my presentation have left such a huge impression amongst the participants in the forum. in fact, i have been approached several times today, with people asking me to take pictures with them. besides that, being congratulated over and over again, and also being the subject of admiration (as i was told by a friend of shenyang) did inflate my ego a little. i promise i won't let it get to my head, but do cut me some slack so that i can enjoy my moment of glory. it is not surprising that my presentation is flawless, as i do enjoy being there in front..hehe.

on separate matters, i know my previous post sounded bleak, but what the heck.. haha. it reflects my thoughts, emotions and opinions. hahah. but then, i do know how to become a better person, and i will not let [Q] get into the way of being Ben.

sayonara.

ai shiteru.
Ben

leaving

i think it doesn't matter anymore. even if it did, i will not let it have the best of me. i will soldier on, with or without your blessings, and i know i can make it through. after all, it is not the first, and neither is it the last. deep down, i'd wish that it would have been, but fact remains, it didn't. so be it, for i just want to be happy.

this time around, i really hoped that none will know, until i reach my destination. it wasn't really for the surprise element, but just that i don't wanna make a big deal out of it. after all, it is for business, and so what. no one will realise that i am gone, for none knows or remember my existance anymore.

it lingered, longer than a moment that it should. it was good to have it back, but equally bad to have it back. don't worry, as it will not move on. things and circumstances have changed so much that i don't even feel the warmth anymore. strangely, the figurative ice is starting to make literal sense.

i had the opportunity to take on certain task that was beyond my imagination years ago. and this time, i guess i was lucky or fated to see and feel the atmosphere that was needed. aided by samaritans, and being lucky (in a way), it gave me a good chance to be closer to an ancient power. if only it could last a little longer. am hoping that i'll be wiser in the near future.

having caught two movies back to back in the past few hours, i have to say, i did learn some really important things. again, i guess i am the only person that looks beyond a movie to comprehend the message. sometimes, i do wonder if it is worth it. probably i should be a dense head and just watch, laugh and leave. but why do i have to see it, read between the lines, and learn it? in any case, dreams are important,and sometimes, big things do happen if you don't stop dreaming.

i want to dream, but can i afford this dream?

i wish you well.

i learn, and will not stop learning.

goodbye and goodnight.

blog will be on hold while i'm in Japan for a few days.
will probably update it there, but if not, cheers

ciao

err.. huh?

i HAVE to learn how to walk away. i HAVE to learn how to NOT see things anymore, NOT hear things anymore, and NOT say things anymore. again, i WILL not falter... haha. in fact, i think i'm stronger..

baby loves to dance in the dark.... so i just wanna dance in the dark...

in a way, i'm happy that it is over. and am also looking forwards to the days ahead. my presence/absence makes no difference. shades of grey that i see, blinds the path ahead. wonders in the clouds, losers never pout...

ciao

dance in the dark

amazingly, having about 3 pure shots of bacardi apple in my system now is not impending my judgements, and my evaluation now. in fact, i can even see clearer the things to come, and things that might be happening.

i've also come to terms with the situation, and realised that it can no longer be the same. things have got to change, and i have to take the first step. be it that i have taken small steps all these while, but a giant leap is needed to take it further.

standing on the dance floor, with lights shining by, and music pulsing through my veins... it was virtually impossible to get me to dance. what have gone missing, you may ask.. and i would say, myself. in fact, the person that was supposed to be myself have died in that crash, and this is just a substitute.. keen on taking it differently.

when all things have come and passed, only emptiness remains. when this is the sorry fact, then i guess my path towards it remains true.

however, in the words of gaga.. i just wanna dance in the dark..:)

ciao

if, and only if

a week has passed since my last proper blogpost here. don't be mistaken, the gaga post did mean something, but i guess, there's more than that.
first week of january has come and gone. entering the second week, with more things on my plate. i have to admit, being fully dedicated to work has its downs, but then, what better way to erase pain than to add more pain to it?

i did realise what was going on, and i saw. i have to say, every once in a while, i do feel like slapping the man in the mirror. and i keep on asking why.. but i guess, i just don't wanna know the answer anymore. everything has come to passed. things will be better from this point on.

found a very interesting read. desmond morris's peoplewatching. it's a book on sociobiology, observing the human animal from a biological point of view. very interesting read, elaborating on various concepts of human actions. in fact, i did have the thinking of sociobiology before i was introduced to the book, and i do hope that i can learn something from it. however, there isn't an opportunity here for me to pursue this subject.

if, and only if.

regards

'if you could walk amongst kings, and yet not loose the common touch'- Kipling,R

gaga gaga

i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me.
baby, there's no other superstar, you know that i'll be......
promise i'll be kind, but i won't stop until the boy is mine.
baby, you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me