2008...now what?

haha...i am running out of ideas on what to put as my title. maybe because i have so many things to blog, and my thoughts are so random. i can hardly put them in pieces as the conflict in me is raging mad..

maybe i shall begin with something sweet..hmm, terence's birthday. it's today, but we celebrated it last night. we had chinese..delicious. although i love to try various types of dishes, chinese food is still my fav (maybe because i've been having them for close to 23 years)..dinner ended with the traditional cake cutting and eating ritual..haha. it's so much fun looking at terence cutting the cake..weird emotions were sketched all over his face. oh, and must i mention, the cake was delicious... it was heavenly, and it all came from jenni's.. (haha, i chose it cos chris couldn't decide). the white chocolate is just.....so luxurious..
we continued with karaoke at midlands.. gosh, i haven't been to that place in ages, and now, it's really really shody. it was one of the best malls back when i was a teenager....(nvm that). anyway, we sang. i sang (without a proper voice). and we finally realised that jack is the best singer of the lot...haha.
midway, i went bowling. gosh, i haven't bowled in 3 years....and it was funny watching me starting all over again. my first two sets went into the gutter...(with style)..haha..but, all in all, it was a good night

here's a little on my new year's party.. as u may have read from my previous blog...i had fun. in fact, i believe i had more fun than the rest of us...what u guys didn't know, is that the person that night wasn't me..(at least i think). somehow or other, a new personality emergered that night. this person is so different from ben, and [Q]. it's so weird....he's wild, he's crazy, he's beautiful, he's a drinker, a thirsty blood hunter...and someone who did things he never dared all his life... in fact, he was basically flirting with everyone on the dance floor...and i am worried. i am worried that he will rise again,and consume me without me knowing it....and it's dangerous. i think i need to see a shrink..
anyhow, i'm partly to be blamed too...for i did select my outfit, did on some makeup..and had chocolates...

i promised to touch a little on the 'untouchable'. well, it's very simple. it's a person, u can see, u can interact, u can have fun, u can share...but u can never have it. it's untouchable because if u do touch it, then it'll break everything. it'll shatter ur life, ur friendship, ur social circle...everything. it's not unreachable, for it is already there...but i just can't touch it. besides, touching it will mean that i'm stealing it from another person...and it's so wrong. lastly, untouchable too cos it may not feel the same way that i do...so, there. truly untouchable. guess i'll just have to live my life from afar, watching it bloom, while i wither....it's hard for me, and the void really consumed my day..but what can i do..it's just untouchable. (confession: it did affect my yoga practise this afternoon, just thinking of the untouchable)....maybe that's why i'm so moody.

anyway, here are other thoughts that i have had for the week....

1) i am addicted to dance.. in fact, i am addicted to performing dance...not the jam type. those that conveys a story..those filled with emotions....
i keep on having the picture of a waltz on the dance floor...full of emotions...of love, hate, revenge, and lost.... and another scene..i'm dancing on the dance floor of a club, surrounded by ppl...me flirting around, when suddenly, i am left alone on the dance floor...torn and dejected...with no one to pick me up... (gosh, what is happening to me??)

2) somehow, i kinda understand the muse behind 'the little mermaid'. the h.c.anderson version (not disney). somehow, i feel like i am like the mermaid...finding someone i like/love...and when i found it, i have to sell my voice to the witch (my fears)...resulting in me never telling the person of my feelings....ultimately, i think i shall perform the final sacrifice...throw myself off board, ending my misery..and learn to bless other ppl's love life....

3) i am like a phoenix.. (hey, who said that my thoughts are sane??). i've suffered a horrible year..passing away into the shadows..and ultimately, into embers..but somehow, before the flame was snuffed out, i burst forth again...with more fire, more beautiful..and stronger..and having my hair looking like flames..haha

4) what the heck am i doing stuck in a wet lab feeding some fishes? why do i have to sacrifice my weekends, my holidays, my time, to do something that i didn't ask for. i understand that the zoology field is wide..but why is my workload twice of that from my peers?? i wonder

5) what will i do when i finish my degree?? will i continue my masters? or do i work?? what about doing something out of the ordinary, like modelling, or maybe become a full time instructor?? who will be by my side on my graduation day?? will i have a loved one there? or will i only be sharing that day with my friends and family??

6)will i ever find love? i kinda shut myself from love a long time ago. i tried to open up,but i don't think i ever will...and what am i looking? am i looking for a female? or a male? probably u'll think that i am crazy, but i don't mind being with someone of the same gender (as long as my parents don't kill me when they find out).

7)i've had this particular heartache for a few years now...and i never really could put it down. i thought i could upon christmas, but new year brought it back to me. somehow, the heartache peaked during the holiday season because i had more encounters with it...gosh, i must be sick. let's hope i can put it down, and start somewhere else. however, someday, i do hope that i will gain enough courage (and hopefully i'm drunk), to actually address my heartache...

ok, enough of my thoughts....i have to go off now..to get ready for a new day. although it'll be a routine day...i'm always hoping for something better. as i've mentioned previously, there's always hope left in pandora's box..

je t'aime
ben