home again

so, i am back in penang again. for two days, before i head down to KL again to catch celine dion's concert. i know i've said this many many times, but i just can't wait to be there, watching her life. it's a dream come true, and is the best present the world will give me..

will try to upload some pictures from the trip.. but i guess i'll only update it after i return from the concert. hopefully, i'll be able to grab a few shots of celine dion in action. i know i've heard of her lip-synching, and all, but we all have to admit, she's the best performer for all time. come on, who can carry such beautiful notes after all these years?

anyway, met reshmonu yesterday,right after leaving starbucks in the gardens. also met some models, some datins and some celebrities (tiara) in the lobby while i was headed out for dinner. it was MIFA, hence the large gathering. i just can't help but to envy them.. anyway, the funniest thing happened. i was walking my own imaginary catwalk in the hotel and the mall. i didn't really notice it, until mum pointed out that why is my walking so akin to a ladies. i had to cover up with a quick excuse.. but i think deep down, i just couldn't give up longing to be famous one day. it did occur to me that perhaps, there'll be talent scouts standing nearby.. but perhaps luck doesn't favour me.. and perhaps, i'm just not meant to be in the limelight.

anyway, i guess the gender confusion didn't really stop, even in KL. come on, in the land of the crowded, there are so many ppl like me.. my niece and nephews that met me yesterday was wondering what the heck am i (they didn't ask, but i could sense). but what really irritated me was that the taxi driver that drove me to the airport today actually had the guts to ask me what was my gender. apparently, he confused me with a lady.

sometimes, i just can't help it. i know that the long mane worsen the problem, but what they don't see is that if i don't treasure and play with my hair now, there'll be no more hair to play with in a couple of years time. it's genetical, and i can't avoid it (i can only not pass it on). i know that my movements are rather soft, flowy and lanky.. but it's not that i didn't try to be manly. i guess i never really changed after all.

i remembered the logic when i first started going to the gym. i told myself that i must lose weight, and at the same time tone up to become more manly. but i guess i failed. terribly...

one thing, it's not that i am not comfortable being in my own skin. ok, there are certain parts that i really don't like, but then, i've learned to accept the little that i am. but why is everyone around me judging me then.. i remembered telling myself, if anyone ask me what gender i am, i shall promptly reply that i am what they think i am. if they think that i'm a male, then i'm a male. if they think that i am a female, then it shall be that. but i've never really used this thought on anyone, or perhaps i'd get so annoyed, or embarassed that i don't know what to say. and then, i can't really use that on children too, right? they'll be so confused that they'll run to their mommies..somehow, i'm like the bogeyman to them.

perhaps, the one consolation that i'll get is realising that i shall remain alone forever. that way, my companion doesn't have to wake up one day and realise that i am not what i am supposed to be. and this is also probably the best way to keep both girls and guys away from approaching me (girls will think that i'm a sista, and not able to provide security and such.. while guys will just think that i'm a freak of nature that deserves to be whacked and dunked into the toilet bowl)..hmm. how wonderful..

guess i've poured out more than i should. once again, i've disappointed myself, but i guess i just have to let some steam off. am still anticipating the arrival of 13th of april....

ciao
je t'aime (do i really?? i wonder)
ben