ghosts...

i think the socio-empath is back. gosh, i hate this feeling when i have to feel what others are feeling. feeling their hurt and their pain, their joy and sorrow..it really drives me crazy.

i think when i first decided to use this title, curiosity would definitely peak. everyone wants to find out about ghosts, know one, hear about one etc. but this post will be touching on two different types of ghosts, figuratively and literally. actually, this came about after a conversation i had with some friends last night. it had got me thinking for quite a while, and i guess there's no better way to channel my thoughts than to say it all here.

first, the literal one. yes, some say it is a fragment of our imagination. some dismisses it completely, and yet, some insist that they truly exists. for me, i take the last stand. the most probable reason was because i grew up in a chinese household with strong values. but over the years, i happened to be blessed with greater senses to know my surroundings. i remembered my first encounter vividly, and it happened when i was 12. 12 years have passes since then, and i have seen quite a few again.. but still, sometimes i wonder if it's only a fragment of my imagination. if it was, then could it explain the girl that walked off the balcony? or the man that ran down the stairs and behind me?? what about grandpa, who decided to 'revisit' us??

then the figurative ones. these are the 'ghosts' that used to haunt me. they surrounded me, and hung on for a greater part of my life. i thought i managed to get rid of them. two years ago, i thought they were gone. i found a new me.. but somehow, after last night, i had a chance to review myself.. and realised that they were back. i kinda had a hunch, early this year, but things went worse in april. i allowed them to fester, and now, they're here to stay..

then, there is the other 'ghost' that loves to knock on my door, pushing its way into my life. year after year, it seems to enjoy doing that. i thought i have shut the door so tight, so strong, and yet, it's knocking and pushing is starting to melt my defences. again, i may be the one imagining the knocking, for should i open this door and realise that there is no 'ghost', misery will come flooding in. it took me quite a while to close it the last time, but i am not sure how long it will take this time, should the door be damaged..

i'm starting to lose my flame, my desire, the passions and the feeling. it felt as if there is this huge boulder upon my shoulder, and there is nothing that i can do to remove it. i think it's probably time to plan my retreat, my hideout, my isolation.. i think it's time to go.

ciao