troubled..

the very thing to understand is that i have an underlying phobia of human beings and comfort. i don't get along well with fellow human beings, and there are various issue of paranoia that surfaces whenever i am around people. i think it all surfaced during my childhood years, and gradually, i had developed this sense of isolation and distance with mankind. in fact, i find it a little hard to start conversations, maintain it, or jump into another conversation.

somehow, all this have manisfested into a kind of 'flight' feeling in me. the last i had to do that, was about 3 months ago, during my birthday, when i had the compulsion to run away from everything. then, it happened again, and i did run away to another country.. i came back, thinking that it would be over.. but sadly, the fact remains. i ran again. i was a little disappointed by myself, but i guess the paranoia and fear really rang deep in my heart, and i had no option but to run.

so, in case u are reading this, i'm sorry guys, but i had to excuse myself from last night's get together.. i'll try to go on, but just give me time.

ciao

Up

To some, it may be another brilliant Pixar animated movie. As for others, it seems like a complete waste of time (where's ur sense of humour?). but for me, i guess the message was just glaring, and just so in my face. I couldn't think of any better metaphor other than that used by Pixar. i guess a floating house, a stubborn dream, a lifetime passion, and the many sins of man will come to rest someday. man can only dream that much, but reality bites, and sometimes, the most unexpected little thing will manage to bring us back to our reality, and cherish those moments lost when we were busy building castles in the air. I guess it resonates that man can only dream that much, and ideally, a dream shall stay a dream. we may be near to achieving it, but as mere mortals, who are we to challenge the powers of Morpheus?? But there was another point on relationship, in which i guess is lost in the present world. the image of trust, loyalty and loving towards the end is marred by celebrity marriages and divorces, changing the very meaning of 'till death do us part'. i guess, in some complex part of my subconscious, this is also the very thing that prevents me from engaging in human emotions.

well, enough of analysing up. am gearing up for a full day ahead, for the next few days. i guess i would be so taxed upon that i fear that i may not be able to carry on my energy towards the end of the week. i guess somehow, there's another fear when i engage in such long, taxing weeks.. somehow, it will end with more trouble, and the devil will just show up uninvited. i guess the experience from the last time gave me a little phobia on this..

partly related, i don't really know how to proceed from this juncture. it seems like i am wearing a mask, and entertaining, but i still have my reservations. i am not sure if i am ready to repeat a previous mistake, and allow it to happen. however, i do not know how to isolate, either party.. i need some signs and some help.

am also finding the strength to weather the future, and the storm. again, somewhere around this time last year, i was lost, and shattered.. however, i hope it doesn't occur this time. i don't wanna go through another turmoil, and i need to channel my energy for the better good.

ciao

back to reality

after spending 3 weeks in a dream, leading a beautiful life, it's back to reality for me. in fact, it's more than that. the moment i got back, i launched myself into a work and workout overdrive. forget jet-lag and insomnia. i had to face them all, and yet clock in to work at 8 on monday (with about 4 hours of sleep the night before).

and work hasn't been kind to me. being the project manager with an event due next week, there's just so many things to arrange and manage. visas, invitations, presentations etc.. couple that with other meetings, other responsibilities, and heavy office politics which i really don't enjoy being caught in. but somehow, i can feel my neck on the chopping block, and it is not gonna be easy for me to thread on these still waters with hungry crocodiles in it.

being a glutton during my holiday had its consequences. hence i wasted no time and hit the gym on monday evening, right after work. roughed out 3 classes (not bad after 3 weeks of slothing around). then, on tuesday, decided to reduce my food intake, roughed out another 2 classes, but really suffered for this. my thighs kinda stiffened towards the end of bodystep, and the cramp was so bad that i couldn't even lift my leg to go over the board. however, i didn't really bother, and tried to complete everything (even with sore legs).. torture, but i guess i deserve it..

anyway, diet restrictions are also necessary to attain my ideal, and hence, have been going on a semi liquid diet for the past few days. i guess there's great achievement when dinner comprises of a glass of fruit juice, and probably two pieces of dodol.. haha. will continue with this, unless i collapse from sugar deficit..

just a thought, will a deficit diet induce drowsiness and weariness?? i kinda slept while i was driving home last night (and was so sleepy while driving home for a few nights ago), and didn't even realise that there was a motorcycle in front of me, until like 5 seconds later. it was lucky that i didn't crash onto the motorcycle.. come to think of it, i kinda slept for about 100 metres..

managed to catch up some of the latest news, and i think i can sense a storm brewing in paradise. however, it's best for me not to say anything, least being labelled as annoying and inconsiderate again. in fact, i think i've said too much during the two catch up sessions that i sat for, and i kinda regret it. i need the strength to presevere and to remind myself constantly that i shouldn't and mustn't say anything, no matter what the past, present or future may be. in fact, i should master the art of being a mute, and just nod or shake my head.. probably will try this soon. haha.

Out of the blue

somehow, i just saw something that i don't think i wanna see.. really weird. i've only be gone for 3 weeks.. is that really what i expect when i return? should i say anything? hmm. probably not. just keep myself shut.

another random thought. after seeing the flurry of emails, should i, again, say something. probably, i'll just maintain my silence, and watch it pass. probably won't even want to be in the know.

leaving in 21 hours.. am feeling a little sad

ciao

Both sides now..

just spent another day in London city. in fact, i managed to spend about 6 hours in the zoo.. guess u can never take the zoologist/animal lover out of me, no matter where i go.. and thus, i have completed both my priority 'must-see'. will probably drop by st paul and the national art gallery in my last trip down, before i leave and head back to reality.

after spending 2 weeks here, time to do some evaluation again...have to look at the other side of the coin now, and make some pretty big decisions. should i or should i not.. i am not certain. of course, recent changes have given me a boost and some extra leverage.. but, is it enough to cover the past, and change it? gimme strength, and i shall soldier on.

anyway, am confused!!

am i finally losing it?

cheers

thunder..

no, there are no thunder here. in fact, the British summer have been more than fine.
just that, i suddenly realised that someone else is trying to steal my 'thunder' on FB. i'm not usually bothered, but you should have done it when u were there.. not now (like a few years later). get a life!!

day outs

did i mention in my previous post that i managed to catch oliver.. even if i did, so what?? the experience is simply magical. i really wish i could go for another musical. or many many other more musicals.. if only i had someone to support all my love for the arts..(hehe.. not that i am an artist, to begin with)

two weeks have come to an end. another week more before i return, and face the real world. let's hope that i am prepared to face it again. already, there were some disappointments (not gonna mention).. so, let's just hope that i am strong enough to face it again.

just a thought.. am i even ready to open up? is it ok to accept someone back into the ranks?? i dunno. any suggestions??

ciao

Day 10

Almost a week since i last blogged. so much for being a seasonal blogger.. haha. things just freezes up when i'm on holiday. thankfully, i'm really enjoying myself here. it's a really great experience, and great fun to be away. however, there are still some 'not-too-good' moments that i guess i'll have to endure.

was in brighton over the weekend. ah, brighton, the lovely capital for the alternative lifestyle. here, you can be really out of the norm, and still fit in. anyway, was there during one of the biggest event in town: Brighton Gay Pride Parada/Festival. yes, it was the pride. yes, i was there... and sadly, no, i missed the whole event. reason: rainpour, and i'm with family.. so, they don't really wanna drive me into town, and of course, i just can't say 'see you guys, i'm gonna go partying tonight'.. haha. however, did manage to catch some of the night scene. and when we tried to catch up the next day, the festival was all over.. haih.

after brighton (down south), it was all the way up to the north (ok, ok.. not that far off north), to frinton, clacton and coulchester. the beach in frinton is really really beautiful (and different) due to the 'posh' neighbourhood. i really want to own a house here..(hehe..secretly wishing to win the lotto)!!.. then, it was to clacton, where it was more of a public beach,and yet, so beautifully managed and maintained.. really put the Penang beaches to shame.. hehe. then, it was off to coulchester.. the earliest recorded town in England. established by the Romans, this town dates back to the time of Ceaser, and there are still remnants of the Roman empire in town. really really amazing to be able to step back in time, and feel what the romans felt.. simply amazing.

then, it was off to kew gardens this morning. it was one of my missions to be at kews this trip. i was really looking forward for it, and yet, it was magnificent. mere words cannot describe the beauty and splendour of this place. all you would want to see for a botanic gardens, it is in kews.. amazing. i actually spent about 3 & 1/2 hours there, and only managed to walk about 85% of the gardens. i really wish that they would have an opening for me.. (hehe. again, secret wish to boss so that he'll send me to kews for training)..but i guess, eventually, reality will set in, and i'll be back at my desk come the 17th..

another trip is scheduled tomorrow. tomorrow, i'll be off to kensington, and also to oxford st, doing some shopping. time to lead a little 'high-life', and feel a little loaded for a while.. hehe. probably drop by Harrods for a visit.. and then to Louis Vuitton.. hehe. really wanna be the fashion socialite, but i guess my current position will not be encouraging enough.. hehe.

just a little 'feel-good' moment. was in leicester square earlier this evening, and accidentally walked into the red-carpet premier of 'the ugly truth', with katherine heigl and gerard butler expected to be there. joined in and watched for a little while, soaked up the atmosphere, and felt so good. at least, now i can say that i was once at a film premier and red-carpet.. haha

ok, enough for now.. am trying to conserve some energy before hitting the road again tomorrow. now, am planning to go to london zoo, and then, to catch a musical. probably may want to watch 'priscilla, queen of the desert'.. supposed to be a good, camp musical!! hmm.. no wonder dr dave loved it.. haha

ciao