dates

i can't really remember the first time i met you, which i think it was the gym. i think it was bodypump, and some friends commented on u wanting to hold on to ur space. nevertheless, that didn't register much as compared to the first time i met you outside.

i remember the dim sum place, as it is my favourite joint. u were seated at the next table, with ur mum, while i was having my dim sum. i still remember u loving those egg tarts, cos i couldn't get my hands on anymore. it was just before mid autumn festival, and in all the reflected colours of the lanterns, u looked radiant. somehow, i never thought that you could remember that occassion.

october: if it wasn't for the clubbing, and my friend being a friend of yours, i wouldn't have gotten to know u. as if fate had its way, ppl were trying to shove me closer to you. yet, i was afraid. i didn't know you then. however, u remembered bout meeting me during dim sum, and i totally blew it, cos i remembered clearly that day. however, i was being such a jerk at that moment.. one toast, and then u said goodbye. i longed to see you again after that.

october: a few days after. fate has a funny way of playing games. of all the people to walk into while going into the locker room, it was you. and why that time? why that moment? and why you? why had i got to go in, without realising that you were coming out. but aside from the formal apologies, we had nothing to say.. i was rushing. i saw u waiting outside, but sadly, it was not for me...

november: 7th. to see you workout in gym, it was a pleasure. however, i cannot show myself, not muster the courage to approach you. even worst was when i was wearing a huge shirt that shouts: kiddy.

november/december: you were in the papers. i saw. thousands of others saw. you were at the funeral. u saw me, but not the other way round. an impulsive message brought good response, but it terminated at your end. i should have seen the signs. eventually, i had to pass all my festive occassions alone.

january: crazily, i sent you another message on FB. u replied, to my surprise. u looked all bright and sunny. but that was when i found out that you will be leaving the gym. i guess, i should have learn by now to let go.

feb: i tot i could, but obviously, it didn't happen. seeing you on chinese new year's night totally killed everything. for i see you, but u don't see me. u were happy, and i feel like trash.

at this juncture, i am a packet of nerves, and emotions. i really want to pour my heart out, but i can't. there are many other ppl out there who are relying on me for support. but as expressed by a close friend, who is my support then? where are my crutches when i am down and out. i guess, this is the price to pay to be me. i really hope that the tears would flow, and rid me of a lot of misery.. but it will never happen. i will continue to have false hopes, never realising that the only person suffering is me. you will not see all these, so, am i actually fading in vain?

where is my sanity when i need it? where is my courage when i need it the most? should i let you go? or will i ever know what is there for me?

i guess time will eventually help me out, but as for now, i surrender my life and soul to the booze that will grant me partial distortion from this cruel reality called life.