MESS

am trying to reopen a can of worms here, and see how much i can let loose. probably it will help me learn better, probably it'll remain just the same.

i've been a mess. a wonderful mess. it is exceptional that it could have been perfect. never have i, in my 26 years of existence, have to go to the emergency ward 3 times in a row. while the first one was just as a company, i nearly died during the second and third times. i do wonder, why do i keep on hurting so much. already, emotional and mental anguish is hard to bear daily, i have to couple it with physical pain? to the point that i had to be admitted to the hospital for 4 days for observation and treatment for tonsillitis. i do wonder when can all these predicament end. as i have expressed my desire for a tonsillectomy in the near future, let's hope that it will be a closure to all the pain and suffering that i've had.

seriously, from the first night we met, it seemed like i've offended the whole universe, and it is now out to get me. was it sheer coincidence? or is it a fragment of my imagination, i seriously don't know. things are going from bad to worse. will my death be the ultimate answer to your existance in my life? the flu, followed by the lymph nodes and tonsil inflammation, followed by the fall, the dehydration, the tonsillitis and fever, and possibly now, a skin allergy. why have i got to bear all the punishment while you enjoy the pleasure?

sometimes, i don't understand. why do you want to keep me in ur guard? is it because i am easy going, easily conned, easily pursuaded? or just to naive to give everything. from money, to time to effort. all just to satisfy what you need. even when i am lying nearly dead on the hospital bed, you had to get what you want. the reality is, i can't even support myself. how am i supposed to support another person. what kind of mess have i got myself into

everytime we talk, sms, or interact, it has always been about you. you. you. you and you only. it was never about me. and when i put me, i get sidelined, pushed away, and replaced by you. while i have never complained about this before, it did make me realise that it is not worth my while. then, how do i pull away. what is the difference between me and your friend? aren't we all bound by the hooks and webs that you laid when we first met? i don't know

there's going to be a new change in my life. i am now back as a student in the university, and hopefully will obtain my masters in 2 years, or possibly a direct doctorate in 5. am praying for the latter. well, i guess the transition time is also good for me to review my priorities in life. they should go as such: studies, gym, health and family. i will, once again, remove love from the whole equation as i don't want anymore distractions.

let's just be friends, ok?

people said that i've changed. especially when i am with you. probably i do. probably i am more tolerant, more silent, more bearable. but is it because i am the only person trying to make things work? probably i should stop all those lies and return to what i was previously.

enough for now, as i am getting really tired. antibiotics are no good for the system, and yet i have to take them like candies thanks to a simple mistake. tonsils. seriously, for the proponent of evolution: why is mankind so stupid to retain useless pieces of body for eventual removal?

why do we hurt? how do we stop the pain?

ciao
ben