Something Good....

This post caught me by surprised. in fact, the whole flow of emotion tonight caught me by surprise. i should be sleeping now, but instead, i am overwhelmed to a certain extend. let's see.. me, in my usual nightly FB nosy-ing, saw this video posted up by a friend. i clicked on it, and this dude was singing 'Something Good' from the Sound of Music. to be honest, it wasn't good. It was fantastic. his voice, his control, and his emotions.. and then, i was caught.

you see, Something Good is one of those pieces that's forever etched in a little brain cell of my mind. the scene, whereby Maria and Capt Von Trapp stand in the gardens. looking at each other (with that loving glow), and how they burst into the song. I have sang that song so many times. in the shower, in the car, at home. but mostly, i sing it when i am feeling sad. i sing it to remind me that probably somewhere in my wicked childhood, i must have done something good. i sing that, being hopeful, that something good would happen to me (of course, nothing good ever happens to me). one can't blame me for being hopeful, right.

that's when suddenly, i have this flood of emotions. i feel like bursting out to tears. thinking over each and every single line of the song.. i am reminded that my life is not that sweet after all. i have yet to get beyond my past, and move on to embrace the present and anticipate the future. i have yet to find the person that will love me, whether it should or could.. good things, i have done not little.. and yet, where is my something good.

Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. This was what i used to tell myself too.. NOTHING EVER COULD. then if nothing can happen, then why am i all bitter and sorrowful? and then, i come to think again.. when the singer sings 'for there you are, standing there, loving me', i can imagine.. what he sees and feel at the moment. to you and your loved one (which i know.. yes, i know). i wish you luck and all the best. and to you. you are damn lucky to have such an amazing person to dedicate such a beautiful song to you. again, i wish i could trade places with you.. but then, NOTHING EVER COULD.. haha. hence, i wish that you would treasure your keep, and wish you joy and happiness all the way.

ciao

fallen

after the whole situation, i guess i have finally fallen. i am not strong enough anymore. i am not cruel enough, not mean enough, and certainly not young enough to face it anymore. it consumed a little too much of me, and it was partly my doing..

4 times

blank.

days and nights are getting longer and harder to bear..

suddenly, by chance, by luck? or pre-arranged? i finally see the truth, and the light. i can finally see the other half now. 7 months now... congrats

you

you, of all people, decided to show up at this time. well, i respect human rights, but why must you be there. you could always be somewhere else, with somebody else. and yet, you showed up. right in front of me. and what does my keeper says?? go dance, and initiate conversation. you were not dancing, and you disappeared before i knew it. how would i to do the following? and futher still, i would regret it no matter what. so, let's just keep it at status quo... btw, i just have to say, you look really good tonight. ever as charming, ever as alluring, and yet, ever as far to reach as ever.
i was never born to reach your standards, i was never born to be on par with you. i was never born to be with you. then, why do you still appear to remind me of the things that i shouldn't exists for. i know, that i cease to exists, things would be so much better for so many. besides, you would never know nor care that whether i exists or not. i am never in your radar..
typing this tonight is really hard, as i am really drunk. i have doused myself crazy with the wine from the club, and add on those that i took from home, it is insane. well, i am longing for this sensation. at least, it takes me away from everything. let me lead a carry free life, whereby all worries and sorrow is gone, replaced by a half sober mind. at least, you are the last thing in my mind before i pass...

i should have seen what i was... the butt of jokes. i should have stayed by a sudden epiphany that i shouldn't go for gatherings involving more than 4 ppl. probably, that will keep me sane. i am not myself. i don't wanna be who i am today!! i wanna die.... i wanna let go of everything and move on. nothing is worth cherishing every moment. every moment is a burden for me... i just wanna pass on.. whereby things will be better, hopefully.

guess i will still become the wallflower that i ever will be. never seen. never known, i will forever be the one that is despised, that is overlooked, that is ignored, and that is shadow. no matter how much i climb into the limelight, i fall short of reaching the destination, for darkness finds it easier to stand in between me and whatever i want.

what's the point of looking good?? what's the point of dressing up? what's the point of putting the effort to look a little better, when all you end up is misery?? this world is only meant for certain people, and i certainly am not in the list. you look good, no matter what you put on and what you do. you are perfect, and i'd wish you that you would notice me. but no.... hahaha, silly dreams!! teenage dreams that shouldn't have happened
again, why YOU!! YOU, of all people, should be there. you!! you!! i don't know to love you or to hate you!! but you!! you are the cause of my misery tonight, and yet you will never know...YOU WILL NEVER KNOW..
these tears are for you. thank you, and you are most welcomed.. you, the one that will never know

D.I.V.A

I saw the banner to my blog. it says D.I.V.A. that stands for divine, intimidating, vain and attractive. sadly, the present me is no longer any of those persona. i am no longer what i used to be, and i can't say that i am happy being who i am now.

fate has a funny way on working on people. hence, i believe in karma. i believe that for every action, there is a reaction. probably not in this lifetime. probably from another past. but there are some ppl that i owe.. and now they are back in my life, waiting for payment. i guess how many ppl more do i have to repay before i can move on. how many people more to shatter me, break me into pieces, and turn me to waste before i am done with.

everytime i sink into a bout of depression, i feel that i am one step closer to my end. but everytime i long for the end, it will never come. will i ever come to the end of my story, to finally put a stamp on these pages, and start a different book? i've been stuck on this chapter over and over again, and i couldn't move on. every year, it gets harder on me..

how do people know my name. how do people get to know me before even allowing me to know them? why do people know me, and expect me to be great? expect me to be fantastic? expect me to become something that i am not? why? how? i want a stop.

is it ever that hard to ask for something simple? something very basic like getting you to surprise me? pick me up for dinner or a movie? take me somewhere away? being able to pay for me, and make me feel pampered? i am not asking for the sun, the moon and the stars. and yet, i get nothing in return. maybe i should ask for the sun, the moon and the stars. only then, will i see where i belong.

death. insanity. vile. agony. this star is dying, and nothing can be done to restore it. its only last wish is that it can go out with a boom...

burnt in flames

everyone has a special ability. i am not talking about the ability to fly, or to see through walls, but the ability to make changes, and makes a person stand out. i too, had one. i thought, at least, i had.
but now, i have come to realise that i also have the ability to fade out. to tune out, and to disappear into the background.
the feeling of having seated in the corner of a club, filled with people, and still not get noticed, not a single hi, not a single smile, amazing.
the feeling of clearing the jam-packed dance floor within minutes, amazing.
where do i go? where do i stand? what do i do? sometimes, i don't know..

i am not sure if i have blogged on karma before, but now, i have come to realise that one cannot beat karmic forces. although one may be able to reduce the karmic forces, make amends, and lighten it, certain forces will come back in time to haunt you. perhaps, my time is now. the karmic forces are returning, and i have no one to talk to.. no one to turn to. no shoulder to rest my weary head. no arm to wrap around me, to assure me that everything is going to be ok. the time is now..

over the past week, i placed some emphasis on setting the foundation right. but even the sturdiest foundation, may give way. as a bystander, i am not sure what to feel to see a bridge collapse and fall. but having seen how it has taken a toll on so many issues, probably it should be a closure. is it a berlin wall? or is it a commoner's bridge. only time will tell.

the look, the hair, the style, the skin, the face, the charm, the charisma, the wealth, the company, the surrounding.. how i wish i could trade place with you, and be you. but i know, it won't happen. i can never be you, and certainly not a part of you. i will never exist in your dictionary.. however, you are still able to draw out the deepest darkest feelings that i have sealed in my secret labyrinth. i must say, you are certainly amazing. if only we had a different set of fate..

although i have grown to love myself, there is also an opposite force of self-loathing that i can't help. i hate every aspect of myself. most importantly, i hate my physical appearance. it is the worst torture, and the worst suffering a man could handle. in this skin, i bleed the hardest. in this skin, i hurt the most. my only consolation, that i am the last of the line, and i will not allow this physical and mental suffering to continue in generations to come.