Closure

Disclaimer: This post is highly emotive and deep. In you find such issues disturbing, and confusing, I strongly advice you to stop reading and hop on to another blog.

Whew..finally, i've attain my closure. or at least what i think is the start of the end. although i had long embarked on the end, there was still a lingering feeling. it's the unseeing pain, the hurt and all..

but i think i finally closed that chapter last night. in a way, it's a very stupid ending. we may still be friends, and i shall continue to pray for your happiness, i guess this is better for both of us, and probably to all others involved indirectly.

i know it was a simple end. we had the last movie, the last dinner.. and now the parting gift. sounds silly, but i think it's proper now. at least i know that there's part of me that have let go.

essentially, i guess i don't blame you for anything. in fact, i blame no one for causing all this except myself. for i have willingly stepped into the fire, even though i have warned others against it, and being warned. i have to admit, i'm burnt.. but at least, i am still alive.

lastly, i think i should thank you for bringing back the person in me. for bringing back the arrogance and coldness that have eluded me in the past few months.

again, i wish you luck.

and i shall continue searching for my inner peace (i think i found it, considering that i had sound sleep last night).

ciao
ben

Silly moments

Here are just some silly moments that happened over the past few days..

1. went hiking on sunday. i guess i was kinda rushing up the hill, so when i reached the peak and stopped...yours truly blacked out. thankfully it was for about 20 secs, and i managed to pull myself back to the bench. note to self: never stop abruptly!!

2. went to the bank just now, and suffered quite a blow.. literally. firstly, i tripped on the pavement (thankfully i'm in slacks).. and as i was leaving the bank, i actually pulled the door and knocked it against my nose.. am still in a little pain..

3. body pump last night.. well, it's actually kinda weird considering that everyone decided to use the barbell for shoulders, except for me (was using plates instead).

4. Body Balance last evening.. it was an impromptu tt session, hence i was dressed in black top (which by the way, looks like a parachute). apparently, it was so dark last evening that they could hardly see me on stage :(

ok, back to normal postings.. hehe.
so, watched madagascar 2.. like it, but not really loving it. somehow or other, i just can't stand the fact of having one too many zebra's acting, speaking and moving the same..
and moto-moto.. walao, that hippo..i am just speechless.
as for king julien.. the usual, silly in his own way
oh, watch out for the irritating granny. really felt like walking up to her and shoot her.. haah

am still awaiting twilight!! it just looked so cool. as for robert pattinson, i just don't know.. at some angle, he looks divine.. other angle, just wrong.. hmm. wonder if he could really play the 'edward cullen' in my head..

am still kicking myself hard on the butt for silly mistake done on sunday. i shouldn't have walked over there, and took that bite.. i'm like a stupid fish, biting on the line, knowing that i would be killed and eaten for dinner..

guess that's all for now

Happy Thanksgiving!!

ciao
neb

silent requiem

how far would a woman go when she's scorned?? will she run amuck?? or blow her top off?? that may seem gentle compared to what my cousin's girlfriend did.. she jumped from the 13th floor of her apartment. makes me wonder, is it even worth it?? being a rich, young, beautiful and educated woman, i really couldn't sink the fact that she'd actually taken her life over a man which is not worth it!!.

another cause of wonder.. what were her last thoughts as she was falling to her death? what was she thinking? or who? or what?? or even, what was she trying to say when she jumped. had she yell for help?? or is she so frightened that she's lost her voice?? and then, what was the feeling when she landed. did she feel the bump, and gone?? or was she in pain and then she left?? i've heard once that a falling person may actually lose consciousness and then land and die.. i seriously wonder what she'd felt..

well, whatever it is, i guess i can only offer my condolences from afar.. grief may consume those who loved her.. but i wonder also, what's playing in my cousin's mind?? will she leave a permanent mark there?? or will he get over her after the mourning period?? heck, they're not even married.. will he even mourn for her??
deep down, i can foresee sending my cousin to jail too, for unintentional cause of death.. pity, i have none for either.

that brings me to another thought.. will i ever jump? i'd consider that many many times, especially when i'm depressed. but will i ever take that fatal leap.. crossing into the nethers?? i've done the leap of faith for scuba.. something similar, but i know life is preserved.. but what will i feel when i fall?? will i be able to fold my arms across my chest, etch a smile on my face, and be serene?? or will i land with a splat?? arms flailing everywhere, dismembered appendages strewn across the floor?? guess i will never know, will i.. and when i finally take that leap, i guess i will never feel anymore.

well, don't worry as i won't take that leap now..
circumstances have hurt me enough. i have none to blame but myself.. for all the grief and pain. i should have known better, but i guess it was better for me to restrain myself now, then to fall into a deeper pit of despair.

a little emotional now, as probably the paracetamol is taking it's course in my veins. apparently, i've been emotional the whole week.. but i guess, human emotions can't escape me.. no matter how hard i try. some day..some day, i shall harden to the point of non-human.. i'm working on it, and i hope that day will arrive soon.

ok, enough of rambling. signing off

ciao
ben

10 days.. again

10 days have passed since i last blogged. am so busy with work lately that i could barely blog anymore..

anyway, watched quantum of solace already. seriously, it's not worth it!! wasn't good, and left me leaving the cinema feeling very dirty, grimmy, disgusted and hot. daniel craig have lost his charm here.. instead, he's just like any other rogue killer. didn't see the 'machoness' in James Bond anymore.

Next up will be Madagascar 2!! i just can't wait to watch it.. (and move it move it). haha. seeing those psychotic penguins in the thriller really makes me wanna go and laugh my head off in the cinema. well, will schedule it for this weekend then.

Finally achieved magic in my bodybalance.. haha. it was ethereal. and mind u, it was only half class. was in such a good mood, that i've actually connected so much that i didn't even realise about it. well, it was just beautiful..and the euphoria after that was even better..haha

anyway, like any mallrat in penang, popped over into gurney plaza new wing on saturday. beautiful.. but kinda cold again. probably because i've gotten so used to the old wing, and the comfort it brings.. now, it's kinda cold.
but then, they do carry really good labels there.. nearly bought a CK bag for like, 500++ bucks. but sound judgement prevailed, hence sparing me a lifetime of poverty..haha

went hiking yesterday, all the way up to penang hill. now, i can proudly say that i have conquered one of the most iconic places in penang..by foot!! yes!! i made it!! it was beautiful up there.. and exploring all those bungalows..simply beautiful. even went over to the old crag hotel. built in 1929, it was abandoned a few decades ago.. such a sad sight. if i'm filthy rich, i would surely restore it to its original splendour.. oh, and am so happy to see the giant black squirrel, and also a dead paradise tree snake.

finished writing my proposal for an international grant... am wishing that boss will be pleased with it. spent a lot of time thinking about it, k!

ciao
Ben

past

I've been so caught up with work lately that i barely have time for myself anymore.. it may be a good thing, or a bad thing, i am still not sure. at least it's taken my mind off certain problems, filling them with visions of success instead.

am so happy now that my boss actually thinks that my concept paper is good. it's this first time i am writing such things (normally done by seniors and ceo). only problem is the over estimate of budget..hehe. asking for USD 100k for a project.. haha.

i just realised that i have eliminated a certain section of my past from my life.. my high school days have been repressed to a certain nook in my heart that i can barely remember the events anymore. and then there are certain ppl that just don't exist in my life anymore (until i see their faces pop up in facebook).. in a way, i am happy.. but i also wonder if it's the correct thing to do or not..

also, am reconstructing the walls from the past.. yes. i guess it's time to reconstruct those walls that have long crumbled. i guess my heart and soul will be better living in those walls, oblivious to the pain and hurt caused from beyond. it's hard, and it hurts.. but i guess it will be better in time..

am going to go watch quantum of solace tomorrow.. bought tickets.. am wondering will it be good....i never really enjoyed james bond (heck,i only watched a few such as the world is not enough, tomorrow never dies, and casino royale)

ok, back to work and do more planning for more events..

ciao
ben

recap

a quick recap on events that happened over the week..

1. watched butterfly lovers. am utterly disappointed with it. not exactly true to the original story, and just too much lovey-dovey scene (or probably i was just too tired at that point).

2. watched the coffin. now, this is a recommended show. deep understanding and comprehension required. and karen joy is simply beautiful. also keep an eye out on the siamese dude with a hot british accent.. so cool.

3. went for halloween party in TGIF. well, it was fun, and really nice. spent an hour on makeup and all..hehe. and mind u, it was very simple basic make-up. but i have to admit, the effects were marvellous. i could really personify dead goth rock star well...hehehe

4. went for the oh-so-famous tan kee duck rice in lunas. not worth it.. the duck rice is nothing compared to the shop in paya terubong, or in hutton lane. don't even bother spending RM13.20 for the toll just to eat duck rice there!! and this trip also showed how urban i was.. gosh, the ppl there are just too.....blah

5. finally went to aeon bandar perda and sunway carnival... nothing interesting. it's so boring. either that, or i guess we have queensbay and gurney which is way more superior than those two across the straits..

6. am starting to gain 'unwanted' attention.. from the most unexpected places. one was while i was buying breakfasat in the Subaidah in USM, and one happened while i was driving home. and then there was the one in the car at gurney, and while window shopping in aeon bandar perda.. hmm. what was it?? was it those utterly cool shades??
or my new crop??

7. busy week ahead. class, talks, meetings, and interviews.. haih!! and reports to write.. statistics to cover...i am really looking forward to the year-end break!!

guess that's enough for now. am trying to finish a report so that i can attend another meeting later peacefully.

ciao
ben