Shit happens...

And so, you come to work, all jolly. spend half the morning joking about, especially on FB, even to the point of nonsensical.. and suddenly, ur head drops a bomb on you.

it seems like i'm a magnet for trouble these days. everywhere i go, everything i do, i realised that it seems wrong. does this mark the end?? how do i proceed, and where, and what?? i seriously don't know. in fact, i'm still in a muddle of confusion..

first, i tried my best to become a role model, an instructor. but when the letter came, it nearly destroyed everything that i believed in. everything that i have worked for, strived and learn, and projected, nearly came crashing in. i was on the verge of giving up, when someone picked my up and guided me back on my path..however, i did tell myself to concentrate more on my work..

and now, shit happens. when i thought i could shift all my focus on work.. jealousy and contempt boils from within. unmarked missiles were fired, and the worst case, i couldn't even stand up to defend myself. people can tell me that they understand the truth, and realise that i am not in the wrong.. but what is the point of consolation when there is no act of defending?? i don't understand. why would people fear the brazen?? the bold and the red-blooded?? and from what i heard, it was even a tit for tat..

so, i guess i've seen the solution. no, i wouldn't quit as i still have loads to go. but i think i wouldn't pay that much attention to anything that is going on around me. one thing i've learned: kindness and generosity does not beckon the same in return. in this dog-eat-dog world, i guess we all have to do everything to survive.

i think this may also indicate another phase of change, and different thoughts in me now. i feel it's time to really pay full heed into my education now.. gosh.

still writhing in the dumps.. am going back after lunch to cool off, and probably seek some solutions.

ciao

End of the working week

It's 4.21 on Friday. work is like hell. but thankfully, most of it is done. will try to start working on my master's proposal somewhere during the weekend. am now lost onto what to do, and what are the expectations. would it be hard for me to achieve what i have in mind??

i guess, one person can only play that many roles at one go. there is no way for the person to split himself into so many different roles, and assume so many responsibilities at the same time. at the facade, it may seem like a breeze, but deep down, it's really tiring and dark.

there will come a time, when a person has to give up certain things to acheive others. is it my time yet? am i ready to give it up? in fact, is it truly for the greater good? there are times when a person's instinct and gut feeling will not tell the truth.. so, i wonder.

if there's anything,it feels as if my aura/chi/energy is slowly waning. my mood and feelings can only last this long, possibly until the weekend. then, i'm not sure if i can make it through monday. heck, especially through monday. i need the strength to move through the day...

anyway, there are many things that i'm still wondering... and wondering. will i ever know and understand? i guess only time will tell.

anyway, before i end, just a tribute to two stars who passed away, namely michael jackson and farrah fawcett. the very act of typing michael jackson on my keyboard seemed so weird, as i have never really associated myself with him. but then, there was a time back in my schooldays when i would listen to his album, and heck, even did a dance performance to 'do you remember the time'.

in his words, if you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change. RIP.

as for me, ciao

work...

don't really feel like blogging now, cos i'm tied down with so many things to do.
sometimes, i just feel like not doing anything, stand up, and walk away. but i guess i cannot afford the luxury to do that. so, i guess i'll just have to grit my teeth and bear with it.

i need strength, i need an inspiration, and i need a miracle..

ciao

Ave Maria

It's been two tumultus week since i last posting anything on the site. There came a point when i wanted to leave it as it is, as a reminder to myself on the percieved opinion of me.. however, i think it's time to move on, and not let another person affect me anymore.

I guess i was lost in so many ways when the letter came. But i guess i was lucky that i had my angels to guide me through the darkness. they thought me how it was to be a better person, someone with more sense, the the knowledge that it is not worth throwing away everything that i have earned for myself for some folly. but then again, the letter also made me think.. if i'd been described to such an evil person, perhaps i should live up to the reputation.. hahaha

I found a new meaning to life to, when i actually took the time off to volunteer at the shelter. there, i met a new set of beings, of life, which treasures friends and company, and will love back at no cost. i guess those dogs that i have played with thought me a very beautiful lesson. and they are really beautiful in their own.. i wonder if i can ever face the fact that some of these lovely creatures will be put to sleep because of anthropogenic actions on them..

I gave myseld another chance, and caught 17again.. and boy, that movie has the greatest faux pas ever!! come on, hippogriffs were not in existence in 1989!! (same goes to harry potter)!! btw, those spock ears are really funny (i guess it's a tribute of sorts to the recent star trek movie). a certain person commented that it would give anything to be with zac efron.. seriously? i guess he's too busy making movies, being famous and a himbo that he'll barely have time to realise what love really is (btw, he's got v.hudgens)..anyway, i'll only give the movie rating 4/10. didn't really enjoy it.

Am now drowning myself with work, and may even try to apply to do my internship with ensearch..hopefully, i'll be selected, and off i go, two weeks to some other country, to learn about environment and what's not. it beats being in this place, going along with my routine.

also, am in the midst of researching a suitable topic to be submitted as a proposal to further my studies. i guess eventually, i'm more suited in the academy, whereby human contact is limited, and i can really pour myself over all those books, reports etc.

'Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While your busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand'

I picked this line up from beyonce's ave maria.. i do wonder..

'In your heart, can't you feel the glory?'

Another line telling me to stay strong.
lastly, from my celine:
'what do say to taking chances?'

i guess i should start to take my chances, rather than lying low and fade away. i shall pull myself from the shadow pits, and make myself stronger and brighter. I'll never know if there's hell beneath or a hand to hold, but at least i can say that i've tried.

ciao
'Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee'

Confunded

A new month, and something new crops up. Two days I am away working my ass off, and on the next morning, when i'm back to the office, i get the best surprise. Probably it's right. I've been living far too long in my la la land, and it's time to leave.
Here's just something that i just cannot bear with:

THIS IS A SERIOUS MESSAGE...

BEN, I have already told you several times to remove those photos I have said looked very obscene. I believe the group have gave u several reminders to remove them.

The very first place, I have told the WHOLE GROUP not to put any of those obscene photos. You simply do not put any considerations to other people's feelings and privacy and just put in photos that can cause damage to my reputation!....I am very sure the whole group listened very clearly that I MEANT IT VERY SERIOUS.

You said you have "filtered" one round and out of your "own" discretion put up all the photos without my permission. Did you know in the eyes of law, you have invaded my privacy and my will of rights (which i checked through with my lawyer friends)? I CAN actually SUE you for putting those obscene photos(which in my eyes has cause damaged to my reputation and caused me in duress). Did you know I have many friends in my facebook which will think those poses are quite obscene in their eyes?....I DO HAVE A REPUTATION....The reason I pose for you guys is because i wanted to play sporting but I DID SPECIFICALLY SAID NO POSTING OF THESE PHOTOS....

I have offered my friendship to you in goodwill despite the ups and downs we had in the past (which I do not even confront you due to the fact of keeping the group "intact"...I HAVE in many occasions just let things go...). I am very SURE in "general" you have offended people which you may not even know or care but doesnt mean people KEEP QUIET it means things are ok... sometimes the MORE you offend people, the more people dont like you. Just that sometimes confrontation can hurt feelings and we try to avoid that kind of confrontations. Sometimes you just think and do your way without thinking of other people's feelings- absolutely no considerations at all!

BUT what you have done (especially it has to be on my 30th Birthday) is very much unforgivable.

Ben, I would suggest you respect other people's privacy and also take in negative comments as in many perspectives. We are not perfect (as you always claimed that)....but seems like you never like taking any negative comments and you always ASSUME IT IS OK to DO IT YOUR OWN WAY...but HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF WHAT OTHERS THOUGHT? Can you be less selfish and be MORE THOUGHTFUL before you say or even do something? Just for instance like in class(speaking in general), you should NOT be shaking your head when your partner does it wrong....you should just follow the flow of the instructor...DO YOU EVER SEE US SHAKING OUR HEADS WHEN YOU MADE MISTAKES ON STAGE?....We NEVER DID that before? IT IS ALL ABOUT RESPECTING EACH OTHER....

Another thing, did all these posting up of those obscene photos your way of taking up revenge (which I HAVE NEVER SAID OR DONE anything to you) cause it really seems like it. Even how people commented on your coaching skills negatively etc...I never said a word further to comment and always tell people you have your own uniqueness and style of teaching which I agree so. Did you know how I have protected you as far as Body Balance is concerned? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?

I really hope you can just grow up and show more sensitivity in treating people and if you want people to treat good as well, I suggest you make some changes as well....or else it is very hard for you to survive in this social world.

The reason I am forwarding this email to our group because i think the rest has the rights to know how I feel and how depressed I am in this situation and saves me all the trouble to explain to the group later. Besides, we are all family and I think family ought to know what is happening.

I suggest you "KINDLY" REMOVE THE WHOLE PHOTO ALBUM and DELETE EVERY PHOTOS IN YOUR CAMERA. I SERIOUSLY "MEAN" IT AND I AM NOT JOKING. AND FOR ONCEEEEEEEE...PLEASE TAKE PEOPLE MORE SERIOUSLY...when people said it is something serious....PLEASE TAKE IT SERIOUSLY!!! I REALLY HATE to take any unnecessary law suits on this matter....DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY AND I MEAN IT... IF YOU EXPECT PEOPLE TO RESPECT YOU; FIRST LEARN HOW TO RESPECT OTHERS....This world is very fair. PLEASE WAKE UP!

MANY "THANKS" ...SO MUCH FOR A "NICE" BIRTHDAY SPECIAL GIFT!....

I guess i'm finally awaken, and i can see through it all. Probably what I had in mind for the past few months was right. I do not fit in into my circle of friends anymore. Somehow, i think i kinda lost touch, and probably my decision to walk earlier should have been better.

And do you wonder now if i needed a wall to protect myself???

enough said. my headache and sniffles is preventing me from thinking any further, and going anymore.

ciao