halloween closure

as i write this post, i am still at the point of gaining my soberiety. not that i was completely drunk from last night, but there is still some traces of the things that had happen to me, that keeps on lingering around.

what started out as a halloween party eventually turned out to be more than what i have asked for. an innocent night out with pals, some drinking.. eventually turned into a greater deal of drinking and a whole host of other games that ppl play. that's also the point when i realise that it is enough, and there is no point kidding myself anymore.

it takes a great deal to come to terms with ourselves. not easy, and at times, full of doubts and confusion. i am still learning,and will continue learning until it's over.

what's the point of having a heart, when there is no one there to love???

i never really see myself as a dancer. in fact, i'm pretty convinced that i have two left feet. however, it had seem that 2 times in the clubs have proven me wrong. is it true? or am i just generating illusions to kid myself (again). what is that, that ppl see? that i don't realise?

i think i may be slowly turning into an alcoholic. not something that i'm proud off, but i think i really need it to help me get through things. even if it doesn't really help, at least it'll leave me sleeping throughout the day.

but then, there is also another point that i don't comprehend. alcohol tears down inhibitions. but why couldn't it restore the tears that i so want to shed. i tried to cry, but it still didn't work.. if only it could, i think i may feel a little better..

i need strength to shoulder on... need to find it from within.

am worried about phoenix. everytime it surfaces, it brings along with it a whole trail of destruction, and i have to pick up from its ashes the day after.. not sure what the phoenix may do in the future..

ciao