birthday 2012

this post may come as a little surprise, as instead of me doing a recap of my year before my birthday, i am only doing it now. not that i am trying to break free from traditions or anything, but i just wanted to do something different, and also allowing myself some space to see things in a different light. rather than expecting anything, i just let things flow. i am not surprised by the lack of activity or events. in fact, i was hoping for none, for i have so much resentment and loathing inside, it is indescribable. probably it is for the better. at the very least, it was better than the one last year. i learnt one thing, just not to expect anything any more. whatever that i am able to dream and imagine, i know it will not come true. so, it is better not to expect. i have also learnt how not to waste my time and effort any further. at least onto certain things, it is just not worth it. you may think that you want to salvage a situation, make it better? or probably trying to be a bigger person. but somehow, it is just not worth it. i have played my part, but it certainly takes two to tango. i am done with it. scent. never know that i am able to put on something that reminds me of pain, disappointment, frustration, regret and anger. heck, at least it works for me, and i am able to tune into my dark side easily. one thing that remained constant this year... the lack of cake. haha! fantastic, isn't it? at least i don't have to waste a freaking minute seated there wondering when these ppl are gonna stop singing, and just move on. and besides, no cake = no wishes = no disappointment. i am not surprised with myself, when i know that this wish is the darkest amongst the many that i have..

exhausted

sometimes, i do hope that people can see me beyond what i am today. if only they can see the heart, and know that it is also weak, frail, and hurt. if only people did take some time to understand and learn, probably things may be better off for most of us..

somehow, i feel like i am spiralling out of control. how fast or slow, i don't know. but i know that i am slowly crashing. i don't know when i will hit rock bottom, but this downward fall is bad enough already. previously, i may have some sort of cushion, or some backup to fall upon. but if i know, shall i fall today, i am on my own, and there is no one around me to help pull me back up.

another day, and it is the 19th of april. one complete year. time flies. the good times came and passed. the only thing to do now is to move on, and not let it affect me anymore. parasite.

no matter how i try to make things work, it seems like there is no mending of a broken patch. everything is either falling apart or just beyond my control. i have given my every effort. sometimes, i am just too tired.

tired. exhausted. sick

me

i saw..

i saw the posts, i saw the songs..
i also saw you coming in, and leaving..
i guess i may not be as dumb to not figure out what is happening.
nevertheless, i do hope for it to end, so that you will be happy again.
however, i guess you will never see me.. :)

cheers
ben

it will rain

turns out that the dry spell is here to stay. just when i was hoping for some rain, or at least a drizzle, the powers that be decided that it shouldn't happen. this dry spell has been going on for far too long. when will it all end? or will it ever end?
am i to live continuously suffering the long heat of summer?
or will i finally get to taste the sweet rain on my tongue?

injection or rejection, they used to ask. i used to fear both. now, i guess i shall make peace with both. sometimes, things are just not meant to be. just like how i decided that one seed shouldn't bloom, another tree will also decide not to blow it seeds my way.

come to think of it, i shouldn't be unhappy. yes. age is slowly catching up on me. in fact, i am slowly starting to become a joke myself. but at least, i should be proud of who i am. but then, is that the case?

why is it that hard to believe that i am introverted? is it that hard to see from my personality? i am also socially awkward. and i guess that is not helping for whatever that i want to achieve.

two heartbreaks in 3 days. i can manage that. i hope.

i just wish that it will rain

wtf (s)

just when i thought that i've managed to get you out of my life, you tend to emerge from the most unexpected places. seriously. wtf! wtf! i am not supposed to see you there. wtf!
and i hate it even more because you gave me butterflies in my tummy. seriously, wtf. urgh..

It's been..

Two months and a fortnight. that's how long since i last written something here. Again, the same problems manifest itself. Not that i don't want to write, but sometimes, i just can't compose the random thoughts in my head to put it into proper words. as much as people like to think that taureans are grounded and stable, i can be quite fickle at times. my brain is constantly on hyperactive mode, and the thought process never stops. hence at times, i wish for nothing more than a pause in life.

A complete disaster. the end of the year, and the start of the year has been a complete disaster when it comes to friendship. little did i know, i lost my support, my wingman, and allies and my listeners. in a split moment, everything came crashing down, not unlike jericho. probably, i am jericho. i am the trouble in the core, and hence, when i finally sound, the walls (or friends) will just come crashing and break away. never expected this to happen, and worst still, i don't know what is the cause. hurt, yes. betrayed, yes. deranged, no. forgiven, no. forgotten, not yet. but what i do know is i will learn from this episode, and trust no one anymore. how stupid can i be, when everytime i trust someone, or a few people, these people bail on me and fail me.

A seclusion. being isolated and secluded is probably best for me. it makes me reevaluate my priorities, and to know who my friends, and people who pretends to be my friends are. i have seen enough, heard enough and read enough to know the truth. i don't need an explanation, and probably, i will never find peace ever again. thank you all for being my support group for 2 years plus? but i guess the end is inevitable.

A dream. in fact, many dreams.. i dream that i can move on to greater heights. i dream that i found what i wanted, and the people that i want to be with. i dream that i am someone different. and yes, like nelly's song, it is just a dream. reality sucks. when i looked onto the shadow while i was walking down the ally, i couldn't recognise the man behind it. i don't know the shadow anymore, and it is like a dream, or a forced reality.

Rude and annoying. is it too much to ask for being mature, for being courteous, and yes, for being more polite? not to say that i don't cuss, but i do find it uncomfortable with the random use of profanities. my upbringing didn't teach me to have such a uncouth mouth or such impolite behaviour. whatever happened to social etiquettes? whatever happened to the gentleman..

i plan to lay lo for a while again, and let times fly by

ciao

for auld lang syne

as the last day of 2011 fast gives way to the night, i can't help but to feel a little sad. sad that another day has just gone by. sad that another year has just gone by. sad that i can't seem to be in a position that is more comfortable than the previous year. but can i complain? perhaps not. i'll just take this moment to do a little flashback on what happened over the year. some may not be interesting, but is pivotal in making me who i am this time.

firstly, i lost my job. well, probably 'lost' is the wrong term, but 2011 is the year that i gave up on my job and took a giant leap of faith. i went back to my studies. i would say that it was opportune, as things were starting to go downhill. the changes and its momentum in my workplace wasn't favourable to me anymore. on the other hand, efforts to continue my studies also fell into place. it was timely that i was offered a fellowship, and i was also offered the opportunity to learn from one of the best supervisors around. lastly, i was lucky that there are still many people out that that will take care of me, even when i am out of office. i know you may not read this, but here is my heartfelt appreciation to dr leong, prof chan, dato' anwar, rashidah, dr liew and salma.

you win some, you lose some. with the change of direction, 2011 also marks my deep involvement in activism in various organizations. i was offered the position of council member of PHT. my involvement with FRIENDS also increased, and the efforts will continue into the next year. hopefully, i will be able to do more to contribute to these societies. on another front, i have also become actively involved in sexual rights of Malaysians. while i may not be actively participating in their activities, nevertheless i did manage to voice out quite a lot in their online forum.

2011 also saw my fall from grace and innocence in life. i became more active on certain sites, and finally saw my emotions thrown into a rollercoaster, driven off control. in the end, i didn't lose much. probably only my faith in trying again.

2011's birthday was a disaster. it was the worst birthday of my life that i hope will never happen again. it's a birthday that didn't surprise me, but just ruined me so much. there were no birthday cakes. there were no presents. all there was were heartbreak and disappointment

2011 is the poorest year of my life. i have to learn how to conserve my resources so that i can make for the following year.

this year started with a visit to japan. in april, it was hanoi and halong bay. in july, it was bali. sadly, i didn't make it to sri lanka in october. if things were only better then.

the year also saw me become more and more awkward socially. i can't stand social occasions any better, and would like to retreat to my cave of peace and tranquillity.

i guess this is all that i would want to remember now. i need to go. but i certainly won't forget about 2011, and probably will just drink to it tonight.
cheers

happy 2012. and yes, 2011, i love you.

of candy canes and rochers

after 26 years, you would at least think that you'll deserve a gift that is befitting. a gift that reminds you that you are appreciated, and you are important. but what i got is a gift of convenience and another, a gift of obligation. the irony in everything is that both of them aren't gonna last until next christmas, and will never survive to remind me of i would have. (probably i can't say bout the candy cane, cos i think i won't even bother eating it at the first place).

is this enough to justify my dislike for the season? for the merriment? for the 'much ado about nothing' syndrome? yes. i think so. it also forced me to break my self-imposed restriction against clubbing and alcohol, and also throws me a tonne of thoughts which shouldn't appear.

forsaken any, i have not. forsaken by others, oh yes, without a doubt. will i survive it? i only pray for better strength and energy to prevent me from breaking. but neither would i deny that i am on the verge of collapsing. i don't know where to source for energy anymore. where to find the strength to carry on, to show the world that i am ok.

masquerade theme. how befitting. i wore the best mask. a mask that shows no true emotions, but what i want others to believe. a mask so perfect that even i may be fooled sometimes. so now, where is my best costume prize? like i wilted flower, i will slowly fade. into oblivion, i will never shine again. my blossom has passed, my end is near. as the winter draws near, into the shadow lands, i will not fear.

for the heart beats not for the moment, but a survival of the mind. for the end draws by, not for a moment, but for the passing of time. for then, only will i rise, forsaken, forgiven, forgotten. only to bring truth to those who will hear, and open the hearts for those who will listen.

ciao
in case i won't blog again, happy blessed 2012.

surviving christmas 2011

this post was supposed to be written last night.. but again, i was inspired, but couldn't pull myself off the bed to write it.

it's 6 days until christmas, and 5 days until that dreaded dinner. for once, i have never been so depressed during the season as compared to this year. last year was a wreck for me, and this year, things just got worst. i am dreading every single moment from the start of december, and i wonder how can i even survive until the 31st, and move on to the next year. everyday, a little part seems to die inside of me, making me wonder how many more posts would i survive to write and share.

anyway, it is now the morning of the 19th. significant? probably no more. probably yes, but i am trying my very best not to put anything to the heart. after all, i have other things to focus on. it's been more than a year, and looking back, it was just plain stupid. it has also been 8 months. wreck, yes. any better? no

life is full of mistakes. one of which is trust. i should have never placed trust on anyone. i should have remained true to my old self, to keep it in and never divulge. however, now, i feel betrayed. i feel lost, and i feel battered. and to make it worst, it's not even a war that i saw coming. are we even at war? disappointments, there are many, but does it have to end this way?

at times, i wish that i could be selfish. i should learn how to fend for myself, and not stand out and wait, and hope. i should learn to not hold the light out for anyone. for at the end, i am the very person that is left outside alone. cold.

this year's christmas is slightly different. as mentioned, i hated it when the first signs of christmas was displayed in stores and splashed over the papers, the tv, the radio and other media. i dread it. hence, no tree. it would have been better minus the dinner, and all the other fan fare, but then, a promise/agreement must be kept. however, there is this part of me that wishes that i would fall ill on christmas eve, so that i don't have to attend the dinner and the party.

somehow, i don't think i have the ability to maintain a social life and understanding anymore. crowds frighten me. people intimidate me. somehow, the thought of remaining home in seclusion is comforting. it may not be biggie, but i did nearly pass out from a panic attack while browsing through the mall. what happened, i can't tell. one thing i know, i am not made to live this life.

probably the greatest tip to survive this season is to acknowledge the season. yes. it is that damned christmas. and that damned coming new year. everyone is supposed to be happy. spreading goodwill and peace on earth. having accepted that, only can i develop my thoughts to embrace, deny, reject, embitter or to just mourn the season. i guess i am doing well here. wherein lies the christmas spirit, cheer and pure, undefiled? i have yet to learn. i have also yet to learn to forgive, to forget, and to free.

since i am on a roll, the year hasn't been entirely kind, but neither is it entirely unkind to me. there are certain achievements that i could be proud of. i took a change to rechart my path. but i guess that's all that i can remember. the rest would be memories that haunt me. inner sorrow and fear that torments my existence. and mostly, things that make me want to stop in my tracks, and not start all over.

tabula rasa. is it possible? can i cut everything to let go? how can i erase everything.

there's a notion in me that i may not have written before. i threw away my childhood. i sacrificed my teenage years. but now that i am an adult, i am not going to get back what i have missed, and neither am i getting what i should be getting now. c'est la vie? i have seen better. but what's good is never going to be mine. in fact, nothing is ever going to be mine.

probably i should really reset my targets, and reorient my focus for the coming year. i should allow myself to fall, but instead to focus everything that i have on what is important. my studies. love, i have done without since my existence. friends, i can learn to do without (i am already starting to stay away from most of it). family, it is not impossible. nothing should matter any more.

these silent tears, that never fall.. i humbly present as offering to misery. may the best be with you.

blessed christmas

tip 2 to survive christmas: start rejecting people even before christmas. if possible, a 6 months grace period would be good. that would get you all ready to face the season alone.

tip 3: find a new hobby. i am sure, 21 research papers would be enough to fill the season and distract most of my time.

tip 4: get a pet. they help. or plants

tip 5: conveniently store the christmas tree in somewhere hard to reach, so there are no attempts to retrieve it and set it up.

i hate giving. i have had enough of giving. i gave so much, but my returns are not justified. everything, i have given without complaints. even when it hurts me.. i gave. no more. no more will i do it this time.

happy xmas... the war is over

p.s. and yes, happy birthday. even when i don't wanna say it to you. you have having a good time, a good life.. a random speck of dust will never get noticed

bouquet

this is totally random: i just saw some pictures of some people's graduation day, and i can't help but to feel bad. i feel bad that my bouquet sucked. it wasn't beautiful, it wasn't grand, and it wasn't even the flower that i liked... 3 years had pass since then, but still, i just didn't like my bouquet.