changes/closure

new changes. shocking? probably not. but then, probably time is needed to adjust to these changes. inevitably, it always happen after the storm. and again, it brings new attitude. hmm... contemplations.

well, it seems like all of a sudden, i'm in demand to do MC gigs. this time, am doing it for another international conference, with loads of distinguished guests. do wonder if i am up for the job or not.

am going for an interview for an award. Young Environmentalist Award.. how funny. little did i expect that the random essay that i wrote will lead me to this second juncture. let's just hope that i'll get the award, and then go for a couple of weeks of internship in some other companies abroad.

hong kong, in about 25 days. am still undecided.

ciao

rejuvenate

so, i spent most of the past two days looking into the past. as you may have already known, am reading my old blogs now. just realised that some issues remain the same. as ever.. haha. i even ventured back into the xanga times, and read of what happened since 2003. that was really long ago.. how times have changed, and yet somethings never do.

anyway, did another major revamp, and am promising myself to not regret this revamp. probably it's for the best. it seems like i do revamps everytime that i am down..

turning blind...

isn't it amazing that sometimes, the least expected person can actually show us so much, and open our eyes again. once again, i saw something, and then, probably via some weird form of catharsis, saw something even deeper. i guess i understand more.

exposed?? i hope not.. even so, it's only opinions. not the truth, and it'll never be revealed. but i guess i have to really cover my tracks better. leave no trace, leave no signs, leave nothing, and take nothing. impermanence..

reasons

There are reasons for not reviewing my posts, and part of it because it evokes so much thoughts and hidden feelings that sometimes, i just want to leave it behind.
however, i kinda broke my own rule, and happened to stumble upon one of the most depressing post that i did, about a few months back.

Inate, probably that was the reason why i put it up. as a reminder. but i didn't expect such reminders to bring back the emotions and memory, and the option to escape.

Probably i did move on, but with the post as the foundation. reading it back reminds me how angry, sad and frustrated i am at the same time. i dunno.

am regreting my decision to revise my old postings..

ciao

-edit(5.17pm)- continued reading previous posts a little more. realised that a lot of things have changed. how amazing. but some things remain constant, like the dark person in me. also realised that the phoenix had surfaced since 2008...(gosh)

before the worst - the script

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain
So explain to me, how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
You were vodkas and coke, I was Guinness all night

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Who would have thought it would end up like this?
Where everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on

There was a time, that we'd stay up all night
Best friends talking till the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to loose, but so much to gain
Are hearing me? Cause I don't wanna miss,
Set you a drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton Street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you where mine for life

Is try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we mend
Before our hearts decide
It's time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Lets try to take it back
Before it all went wrong

-just happen to read this from 'the script'-

walk away...again

once again, i am thrown into a course of confusion. seems like trouble and confusion, have a certain way of finding me, when i least need it.

firstly, it seems like my fight-or-flight button have been pushed, and it is on flight mode again. it all started during the g-force movie session, and i was nearing the point of driving away but had to backtrack and stayed the whole night as i held the movie tickets. i guessed nic saved the day by passing me the tix.. but the temptation to just walk away and leave was so strong.

then now, it's hong kong. yes, i've been looking forward to this trip for the longest time already. am even looking at travel books etc to get some pointers before heading to my HK trip.. but i am having the travel jitters again. point in case, room arrangements. realising that certain things are not confirm, it seems like i just want to walk away, and just not go. probably i'll just pay up, and forfeit my trip.. i dunno.

seriously, what is happening to me?? and the confusion is really driving me crazy..

dry tears never flow

this is gonna be a side diversion from the phoenix saga (that i am writing once in a blue moon, when my muse is here). back to the mundane, moody, emo life of mine (haha.. me/emo...so weird)

to begin with, launch of les mills classes.. i think this will be the last time that i am going for bodystep. really hate those kiasu attitude of the ppl. if only we could stage a boycott, and oust those ppl..
as for balance, turn out wasn't as good as expected. well, who am i to expect anything anyway. just teach, smile and leave.
the saving grace, body jam. it's not that bad. guess my first impression was wrong. lesson learnt. never judge a jam class by sitting by the side during quarterly sessions.

am having trouble getting better sleep these days.. feels like i'm stuck in a rut, and i have no way of getting out. in fact, i think i am gasping for breathes, drowning in my own problems (of the mind).. i may need to see a shrink. in fact, i think catharsis will help to free my tear ducts and just let it pour all out. once and for all.

just found out something that i've been kept in the dark for a while. is the good or is this bad, i am not sure. probably, as they say, ignorance is bliss.

i guess i finally saw what i have been trying to hide from, and i guess i have to acknowledge it. it's not worth my attention, and it's pretty obvious. am a little disappointed with myself for trying to look beyond it.things are just not meant to be.try as i might, but i'll never make it through.

will have to perfect my practise for this year. i have failed the last year, and realising that i haven't diverted much, there is still some saving grace. after all, i have another 3 more months to go before the end of the year. come next year, must bring it to another level, where no mistakes are even permitted.

enough for the moment while i go wallow in my own sorrow..

ciao

phoenix: magic

Making his way to the holy see, the tabernacle of holies was already prepared to receive the phoenix. Lady Hope, alongside Lady Faith and Joy was standing at the high altar, blessing a small golden bowl there. The four wise man of the four winds were also there, flanking the sides of the blessed ladies. in the tabernacle of holies, the atmosphere was joyful, almost triumphant.

As he made his way to the high altar, he could see other blessed beings lined the side to welcome him. the emerald dragon lord was there, accompanied by the turqoise prince and the agate princess. on his left, Lady Pleiades stood in all her majesty, with the lovely robe of 7 stars. upon locking eyes with phoenix, Lady Pleiades cocked her head slightly, giving a gentle sign of approval to the new body housing the glimmering heart.

'Come forth o' mighty bird, lord of the skies, hero of the lands', summoned Lady Faith, in her majestic yet melodious voice. In the instant, the tabernacle fell silent, and all eyes were on the shimmery plum of the phoenix as he made his way across the hall. 'Phoenix Red of the western land, we've been waiting much too long for this occassion. Ever since your tremendous battle, your victory and passing, and your rebirth, we've been keeping a close eye on you. We were waiting, anxious for your return, to lead again, and restore the harmony of the three worlds'. Wise man of the North, dressed in his resplendant black silk with tortoise motive, then said 'O lord of the birds, your plum and majestic crown surely look magnificent on you. However, to prepare you to further lead the world in harmony, and to battle the never ending forces of evil, we need you to drink the ambrosia of the gods'

'Drink it up, and mighty courage, adamantine will and beastly valour will be with you always, guiding you through your many future endeavours', quipped Lady Hope.

Lady Faith then held the golden bowl up, as the crowd closed their eyes and placed their plams together. Very slowly, a small hum like sound was heard, and reverberated in the hall. Soon, the hum turned into a melodious chant, in the language of the ancients, filled the tabernacle, and the golden bowl started to radiate.

Phoenix know slowly stepped forward, and was guided by a young nymph, tooked the bowl from Lady Faith. Feeling the essence of the bowl, the phoenix looked into it and saw the golden liquid swirling around, receiving the final blessing before consume. 'Now, drink up, King of birds', said Lady Joy.

And the phoenix drank the golden liquid, first tasting the sweetness and experiencing the fragrance of the drink, filling his senses. As the liquid slowly made way into the inner body of the phoenix, his glow became increasingly radiant, glowing brighter than the flame of a thousand torches.

When the liquid touched the shining heart of the phoenix, it created a reaction so heavenly, that it was really magic. the heart shone it fullest might, and the liquid slowly encased it. The heart also felt the courage of ahundred lions, the strength of 10 Atlas, and the valour of no rival.

As the phoenix was experiencing his changes,the nymphs of eridanus came to dance and sang to the glory of the mighty bird. The hall was again filled with air of celebration as the crowd slowly drank from their cups, an ambrosia not unlike the phoenix, but only of a lesser strength. As they celebrated, little did they know that there sat, in a small dark corner of the tabernacle, an ancient which did not share their emotions. Lord Maleficient, dark and sorrow in his looks, and gaunt in his appearance, was filled with malice and envy when the king of birds was celebrated.

[tbc]

happy

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You cant have everything

Dont you take chances
You might feel the pain
Dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free

I cant stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Dont care about all the pain in front of me
I just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

- the above was taken from the song happy, by leona lewis-
do read, and just enjoy the lyrics.

phoenix: rising

as the great phoenix touches ground, it heaved a heavy sigh, and collapsed to the ground. after the long tumultous battle, he'd won..but not for long. his tail has lost its shine.. and the glowing heart is slowly fading away. barely crawling for another two more steps, he'd finally given up..

within moments, the phoenix was reduced to ashes. gloom was in the air, as the phoenix was no longer there..the world has lost its shining star. the great victor is now dead. but deep within the pile of ashes, there lay a small glimmer of hope. the shining heart was still there, gathering itself. small streams of hot, glowing, blood encases the heart, growing larger and larger by the minute..

hours had passed, and now, the heart of the phoenix was encapsulated entirely. small pulses of light could be seen, but never matching its full glory. however, only time will tell if the heart could see another valiant bearer. deep within the case, the heart sees none, feels none, taste none and experiences nothing. but then, small swirls of form could be seen. barely visible, but certainly there...giving back life to the glorious king of birds, protector of earth.

gradually, nurtured by the elements, the phoenix redeveloped in its case. neither rain nor sunshine poses any threat to the egg. people have been waiting, praying, and anticipating the rebirth of the fallen. they believe, soon, the glorious phoenix will soar the skies again...

and true to the people's believe, soon wasn't too far. 3 years have passed, and now, the eggs were showing signs of cracks. the phoenix was ready. receiving the last amount of nurturing energy from gaia, the phoenix slowly cocked its head towards the shell, and before long, found the very crack that will open himself to the brand new world, again.

alas, upon sunset of that fateful day, the egg finally cracked open, and the phoenix was reborn!! feeling the soft wind on it's cheek, the phoenix let out it's first cry. so beautiful was his voice, so majestic, so powerful.. and yes, so full of grace and hope. like pandora's box, the birth of the phoenix resonated across the people. no more crying, no more anxious waiting, no more constant sorry, as the phoenix was back on earth again...

hope, love and joy filled the air, as the phoenix straighten its crown and looked upon the people. regaining his steps, the phoenix then spread open its wings, crimson and fiery, illuminating the distance.. and upon the scarlet body of the mighty king, the glowing heart rests proudly. hidden by the soft plum, yet shining from within, the glowing heart has once again created the perfect bearer, greater, stronger and wiser in time..

before long, the ancient call from the holy see could be heard. With great force, the phoenix took to the air. soaring high, the phoenix appeared like a great ball of fire, but gentle enough to not even scorch the skin of the people.. turning its gaze back at the people, the phoenix let out another cry before heading off to the holy see.. to the land of the ancients.

[tbc]

in case u are reading this, don't bother analysing. just enjoy. or just forget about it!!

relapse

gosh, it's amazing how a certain event precipitated a dream which i have never thought of dreaming.. in fact, it had not seemed that real until last night. i guess everything was hidden and kept in those blog posts, never to resurface, until yesterday.. when i was read like an open book. but still, i had never imagine that to resurface. true, i've seen what i shouldn't have seen last week.. but then, now.. after so long. u are back...oh pls. i need to control and eliminate.

speaking of elimination, isn't amazing that the office is infested with fleas, and now, the admin have to hire the pest eliminators to get rid of them.. hahaa. apparently, those fleas came from the monkeys and stayed in the chiku tree behind. however, a storm over the weekend snapped a portion of the chiku tree, sending the fleas into the office.. therefore, as of friday, all my electronics and everything on the desk was cleared and wrapped for elimination. kinda funny.

speaking of work.. did the craziest thing last night. went for a late night photography session.. and i mean really late, past midnight. was a little disappointed as some of the buildings were not lit.. but i guess i was also a little out of my mind. imagine the possibilities of being robbed, kidnapped, killed etc.. and to up the ante, it is still the yin month, and me being out in the open yin, made me cough like mad.. nearly blew my lungs out.

ok, enough for now

p.s.: i've moved on.. so, ppl. move along too!!

ciao

september musings..

from the title, it looks as if i'm gonna write or novel or something.. don't be fooled. here are just some random thoughts over the long weekend..

1. if i were to drop down dead this instant, i wonder who would come for my wake and memorial... and who would deliver my eulogy??

2. i want my ashes to be scattered from the hills... but will the law allow for that??

3. was cranky over the weekend.. probably should learn how to control my temper and crankiness...

4. i hear the knock, but i am not letting you in..

5. how am i to lose weight, when after a step challenge class, i went for a japanese feast??

6. overspent: bought pirated dvd and cds for 30 over bucks...

7. how i wish some things were true.. sadly, i can see through the lies better (thx for the compliments, though)

8. i still don't know how to manage the situation. somehow, it cannot be under rug swept.

9. thx for the company,even though i'm a bitch. next time, i'll fly

10. i wanna fly away to somewhere else.. soon!!!!

11. will i ever gain immortality?? or am i subjected to eternal damnation??

12. stop being so generous/kind. it goes unappreciated!!! in fact, generosity and kindness is a double edged sword. it cuts everything, both ways!!

ok, i guess i'm gonna stop here.. 12 weird, morbid, random musings..viva la vie

ciao