the social butterfly

the social butterfly, fluttering from one table to one table, exchanging greetings, sharing a toast, bursting with laughter and smiles... but deep down, there lies a bigger lie. the social butterfly is not happy. the social butterfly is nearing death. if only the social butterfly can pick itself up, and fly towards the flame, allowing it to be consumed, and reduced to ashes and dust.. if only it had.

sick. fatigue. lethargy. probably these words can best descibe me now, and in fact, most of the time. i am so sick of this thing called life, as it is leading me no where. where are the ups? and where are the downs? and how do we differentiate it? probably for an introvert like me, the up periods should be those when i am alone, reeling in my own energy. if that's the case, then why ain't i happy?

fatigue. my body is telling me that i should be wasting it that much. i should learn how to take care of it. but am i listening? do i want to listen? and can i afford to listen? everyone desires for some achievement in a certain period of time. milestones, they call it. it is now the 3rd of April. exactly a month until i turn 26. but what are my milestones, and have i achieve what i've set out to get? did i manage to change my life? nothing. instead, all i have is this whole sense of fatigue, making me wish that i can lie on the bed for a long long time without waking or moving. eternel sleep, how i wish it can come to me.

lethargy. my mind is fried. my emotions are burnt, and my strength is spent. i've tried stepping out of my comfort zone, taking the various chances. all i get are just rejections, one after another. probably it is time that i call it quits, and set forth to renounce what i've got. probably a solitary life, devoid of temptations and mundane influences, is what i need to attain inner peace.

ever so often, i have to be the caring one. the one, where his shoulders are ready to support the burdens of the world. the one, where i open the door, allow you in, pamper you, shower you with attention and love. the one that is everything but all that i set out to be. when will i ever get to lie on someone's shoulder, pouring my heart out to it? when will someone hold the door, or tell me that it'll be there waiting for me? when will the person be able to take me into its arms, without caring about my looks, my skin, my colour, my religion, and my wallet. there is still a part of me that hopes for that to happen, but as i have always thought, and maintain, good things do not happen to me.

waiting for the end to come.

if only there's someone who is willing to buy me a bottle of ice cold beer..

mirror mirror

sometimes, i do like to sit back and wonder.. why am i doing all these. what is the worth of doing all these stuff, when all i get to be is just a wallflower. i mean, come on.. i spend money trying to look better, go for facials, i dress fine, i study hard... and yet, what do i get?? a lifetime of loneliness and despair? or a mockery of my life.

i understand the need to be comfortable in my own skin. but what if my skin is not what i desire?? my greatest weakness is very apparent, and i don't deny it. in fact, i have never liked the skin that i am in, and have tried so very hard to change it, mask it and all.. and yet, when it is down to the bare essentials, it is still my skin that matters.. when will we be able to rise above and see beyond the skin?

they say that smart women find it hard to have boyfriends. does it apply for men too? i am not sure, but given my conditions, i do feel like i'm stuck in the situation. a perfectly decent conversation goes un-noticed, ignored. so, is knowledge a boon or a bane?

a look in the mirror reveals the age, the weariness, the lethargy. am i able to sustain and move on with life? or shall i call it quits? if yes, how do i quit? show me a way...

ciao

[update 23:23hrs] again, i know that i have the ability to scare someone off forever.. haha. i guess this is the so called superpower huh. to the last good man on earth, stay strong and healthy..we love you!!

[update 00:30hrs] i will want to catch you when you fall, and you are certainly worthy of it. however, i know that there will be other angels lining up nearby, spreading their wings to protect you. i shall take leave with my mortal frame, wishing you the best

blind

i guess this post is long overdue. although i did want to write something here, i can never muster the courage, the time or the strength to write my thoughts here. i have the weird sense of insecurity, and i guess it is harming me in more ways than ever.

i guess i've finally learnt how to let you go. i am no longer obsessed with you. in fact, you have faded so seamlessly that i don't remember where, when or how. it was never a doubt that the moments i had with you (although very brief) were beautiful. just like you, simply beautiful. however, i don't think that i will stop loving you, hence i will love you forever.

to you,thank you for allowing me to have those wonderful moments together. 3 years, and now, we are moving on. i wish you joy, happiness, and above all things, love. i know you will be better when you are gone. and that is why, i promise myself that i shall not miss you that often. again, i was blind at that moment, but my blindness will not stop me from loving you forever.

explorations. they don't work. they will never work, and i am just a natural human repellant. a few conversations, and i never hear from you again. a few sms-es, a phone call, and no more news from you. a few lines, and then, you're gone. thank you then, i say, for showing me the way. thank you also, i say, for making me realise that it is only but a short lived dream.

i don't know what are my chances anymore, but i think i am too tired to continue on. i don't wanna take it anymore, and i have had enough of this shit. if only things could work out easier for me, then i wouldn't have to be in this dilemma so often.

i only smile when i want to. i also have the 'you don't look important for me to smile at you' look (so says my friend), which i think is pretty true. so, i guess it is fate, and i shall learn to accept it. come what may, i say. come what may.

i am so blind i guess i will never see the light. i should learn to refocus. at this moment, i am already dumping a lot of my attachments, and moving on to a higher level of realisation. i hope that i do not falter in this quest, to reinvent a new me. i guess you can call it the final stage of Marslow's heirarchy of needs. i am now going for spiritual development, and i think it is for the best.

wish me luck.

anyway, the only interesting thing that happened was that i was in Japan again, to attend the conference. as usual, it is cold, and it snowed, but i loved it to bits. however, my prayers to all those affected by the tsunami and the earthquake. i do wish that i can go there and help all i can, but i guess it is not forthcoming.

have a pleasant evening.

dates

i can't really remember the first time i met you, which i think it was the gym. i think it was bodypump, and some friends commented on u wanting to hold on to ur space. nevertheless, that didn't register much as compared to the first time i met you outside.

i remember the dim sum place, as it is my favourite joint. u were seated at the next table, with ur mum, while i was having my dim sum. i still remember u loving those egg tarts, cos i couldn't get my hands on anymore. it was just before mid autumn festival, and in all the reflected colours of the lanterns, u looked radiant. somehow, i never thought that you could remember that occassion.

october: if it wasn't for the clubbing, and my friend being a friend of yours, i wouldn't have gotten to know u. as if fate had its way, ppl were trying to shove me closer to you. yet, i was afraid. i didn't know you then. however, u remembered bout meeting me during dim sum, and i totally blew it, cos i remembered clearly that day. however, i was being such a jerk at that moment.. one toast, and then u said goodbye. i longed to see you again after that.

october: a few days after. fate has a funny way of playing games. of all the people to walk into while going into the locker room, it was you. and why that time? why that moment? and why you? why had i got to go in, without realising that you were coming out. but aside from the formal apologies, we had nothing to say.. i was rushing. i saw u waiting outside, but sadly, it was not for me...

november: 7th. to see you workout in gym, it was a pleasure. however, i cannot show myself, not muster the courage to approach you. even worst was when i was wearing a huge shirt that shouts: kiddy.

november/december: you were in the papers. i saw. thousands of others saw. you were at the funeral. u saw me, but not the other way round. an impulsive message brought good response, but it terminated at your end. i should have seen the signs. eventually, i had to pass all my festive occassions alone.

january: crazily, i sent you another message on FB. u replied, to my surprise. u looked all bright and sunny. but that was when i found out that you will be leaving the gym. i guess, i should have learn by now to let go.

feb: i tot i could, but obviously, it didn't happen. seeing you on chinese new year's night totally killed everything. for i see you, but u don't see me. u were happy, and i feel like trash.

at this juncture, i am a packet of nerves, and emotions. i really want to pour my heart out, but i can't. there are many other ppl out there who are relying on me for support. but as expressed by a close friend, who is my support then? where are my crutches when i am down and out. i guess, this is the price to pay to be me. i really hope that the tears would flow, and rid me of a lot of misery.. but it will never happen. i will continue to have false hopes, never realising that the only person suffering is me. you will not see all these, so, am i actually fading in vain?

where is my sanity when i need it? where is my courage when i need it the most? should i let you go? or will i ever know what is there for me?

i guess time will eventually help me out, but as for now, i surrender my life and soul to the booze that will grant me partial distortion from this cruel reality called life.

why, CNY 2011

what does it take for me to move along. why is it that you have to be there when i am least expecting, ruining my night in an instant. why is it that i can see you, but u can never see me? why is it that you can be so happy, while i stuck here now with my heart on my sleeve? and why can't you be more direct, and give me an indication, instead of messing me up with all these stupid signs. i have had enough. and yet, why can't i let go of you

invisible man

seeing your recent update, i can't tell if i should feel happy or sad for you? and also, should i feel happy or sad for myself? i certainly do not know. however, i know that you will always be able to find someone more worthy than what you had before, and certainly that someone is not me. at this point in time, you still don't see me.

with the chinese new year round the corner, i really hope that you will be able to enjoy it as much as i do. for you will never know, i will still pray for your very wellbeing :)

love

Until the day...

Until the day when the Yellow River runs dry..
Until the day when the Swifts can no longer learn to fly..
Until the day when there is no more Brightness in the sky,
Only then, will there be closure in this sorry heart of mine.

- I don't know why, but you do inspire me in many different ways. You constantly bring out this person in me which i have suppressed so long. In a way, thank you.
Other than that, thanks for making me a sad, pathetic b***h, always wallowing in this filthy puddle of mud :)

For I Am

For in time of Adversity, misery and pain;
I am the Angel, shining through the rain.
For i Run the seven continents, scale the seven peaks;
Sail the seven Oceans, just to be at your side,
Through Night and day, never letting you out of sight.

For Hours to days, i am willing to give;
Fine Weather or neither, for as long as i live.
Armed with courage, passion and strength,
For i am the kNight that will rides,
Four corner of the Globe, to the far sides.

Yearning and learning that hope remained,
Eager to savour, the sweet soul that retained;
Never appeasing, my passions abstained.

Merry are those who believe, ever wanting to achieve;
Ivory and coal, ever willing to give.
Never taking, for the pure and the saints;
in God we trust, till this soul...remains.

For i am pure, and i am giving, for I am the lamb.
For i feed the hunger, the poor and the maimed.
For i seek not my happiness, but those around me to believe.
For i am pure, i am.. for i am LOVE

p.s.: this little piece was inspired after i posted a very random note on FB, wanting to believe:

: and i surrender myself to you, praying that you will finally answer my call and end my misery...for i sacrifice not for myself, but the good and benevolance that surrounds me.

it was followed with my own comment of: for i ask for none for myself, but for the happiness and joy experienced by others. for only when they are happy, will i considered my prayers heard and my sacrifice taken. for i am, but a soul, willing to die for the millions that will benefit from it. for i am the lamb, providing meat to help those who are hungry and poor.

after reading, and learning the cryptic message from my heart, it is apparent that you are still standing there, never wanting me to close. therefore, this little prose that i have written, is specially dedicated to you. hopefully one day, you will get to read it, and understand the heart that wrote it. let it be known that fear, grief and disappointment fills me at this time, but certainly, like the fate of pandora, i can only hope.

YOU.. 2011

well, isn't this an interesting situation. as much as i convince myself that i survived the year, there is an undeniable fact that you came into my life and shook my faith. there is no doubt that u made an impact, and yet you will never realise the affects of your actions/inactions. funny how i surrender my life to you, only to be reminded again and again that you don't know me. i am barely even there in your life, but i gave such a huge part of mine to you. it just begs the question of worth.. i learn, and yet i falter again and again. if only i had not meet you. if only i had not talked to you.. then, perhaps it would be better.

prior to the close of last year, i retraced the steps that i met you. the places that held us for a moment. but to my disappointment, there is nothing left of you there. in fact, you don't belong, and i should learn how to close you from my mind. if you had only known...

funny how you asked me (although you are drunk) if i still love fate A and fate B. as much as those fates do not belong to me, i love them as much as i love you. for you shall always be a part of me, a part where i'll be concerned, and a part that i will still care for. however, with the recent year, i learned to be selfish. i should be wasting my energy anymore to worry for you, nor my other two fates. for all of you are now mature and ready to take flight. most importantly, my concerns and worries are selfish and will not be appreciated.

and then, you raise a belief beyond doubt that i should find love, and let love find me too. i did found love. i understood the meaning of love, and the even greater meaning of letting go, as part of love. i guess there comes a point in time where the greatest love prevails, allowing for me to love all of you unconditionally, instead of a selfish love.

you said i am making progress by being myself. at least, i learnt how to pick up pieces of my life and make good. i am confident of myself, and am sure of what i want. but is this true? are your observations accurate? is it because of our long separation that you no longer know me best? nevertheless, i am thankful for you, always hearing me out.

and finally, you. you took ONE tear away from me last night. that was all that i could muster. the sorrow is just too deep that it can no longer be expressed at this level. i will promise myself to be strong, and hopefully to get better rest tonight. and i guess that tear was a good warning, and here is me wishing u a happy 'relationship', iphone or not.. i may not know the entire truth, but i guess my observations and hunches may be right sometimes. even if it is not right, i am satisfied having to love you once, without you knowing or not..

the end of 2010

it's been a while since i last posted something up on this blog. i have to admit, i did become lazy. but apart from that, there is nothing much worth sharing, or i feel would matter to people anymore. now, don't get me wrong. i still get my ups and downs for the past few months, but i guess i just couldn't find the heart to put it all in words.

here's a recap for future reference:

1. work sucks. as much as people think that my work involves sitting in front of the computer and idling my time on facebook, that is not the truth. i face my own trials and tribulations that i can't seem to share with anyone. working in a place whereby politics is taken to the extreme is not satisfying. the situation worsens when the pay is not enough to sustain my lifestyle and support my future. the final straw: i'm starting to lose my job satisfaction. however, come 2011, i have resolved to settle all this once and for all. i am returning to uni to continue my post-graduate studies.. hopefully for my PhD.

2. gym. i've worked my ass for things to happen. sadly, things won't happen just the way that i want. i can't seem to get the body that i want. worst still, i am aging drastically, and it won't be long before i lose everything. will i able to achieve it? as much as my mind wants it, i don't think my body is able to take it anymore. in fact, i am suffering from fatigue...

3. passion. in delivering my job as an instructor, i try to do it with as much passion as i could. i prepare my best, perform my best, and deliver my best. but, will people ever realise that? with class numbers dropping, it will be a matter of time before i become irrelevant, and obsolete. so, what is the point of me continuing? coupled with other factors such as politics and ego, being an instructor is not that sweet after all..

4. friends. i am lucky to have them. it is amazing how small gestures shown by some people managed to warm the heart. i don't expect much (because everything always never meet my expectations), but i am certainly grateful for the blessed souls that surrounds me. christmas just passed by, but blessed are the souls that shared their love with me.

5. limerence. it's been a while. i have learnt to let go on one. sadly, i am stupid just to fall for another. worst still, you don't even know that i exists. i have given up on love a long long time ago, and yet, you managed to shatter the inner core of my heart, bringing back that spark. but i have to say, that spark is slowly dying off again. i know that deep down, i can never have you. i guess i am still blessed to be able to love you and see you love others.

6. kindness. life has been kind to me. although 2010 wasn't a piece of cake, i still managed to walk out of it with some sweetness in my heart. there are memories that are really worth keeping, and bitter experiences that i shall learn from. but most importantly, i managed to walk out of it as pure as the lotus that emerges from the muddy lake.

what is in store for 2011, i don't know. i don't wanna unravel the future, and allow it to consume me. i understand that there is still hope left, and my only hope is to survive it as happily as i can be. i have never pictured myself going beyond the 25th year of my life, hence it is unchartered territory for me for the coming year. let's hope i survive it, and manage to enjoy most of it.

resolutions, i don't make any. as usual, carpe diem.. just let it be