Giving up

Love. I have never given up on love. despite the many sorrows that come with it, i still believe in the sanctity of love. i still believe in the powers that come with love. how it can change the course of history. how it can change a person's heart. what i have given up is to find love for myself. everytime i seek, i end up on the losing end. i end up losing faith. i end up losing myself, and all the people that surrounds me at that moment. if there is any doubt if i had lost the will to love, yes. but i still believe in love. i still believe in waiting for the right person to come. but i also believe that it may not happen to me in this lifetime. so, i shall learn to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on.

fairytale romances are for little kids. kids with bubbles built from reading these storybooks. falling asleep waiting for the right person to come. some kids never grow out of it. whereas, some are exposed to the dark side of romances. the side that bears envy, jealousy and resent. i guess i still harbour a little hope for romance to happen, but i have also seen the dark side, and i am trying not to let these things take over my life. dreams are easily shattered, and i should learn to wake up and stop dreaming

ciao

how do...

how do you help to mend a broken heart? when you can't even mend your own.
how do you tell the truth? when everyday you are living a lie.
how do you live every waking moment? hoping that death comes knocking the next second.
how do you love another? when loving yourself is so hard.
how do you speak? how do you walk? how do you think? how do you act?
how do other hear? how do others see? how do others comprehend? how do others react?

it's amazing how we lead our lives. how we do things. how we even react to certain things. i know i have not been easy. but live hasn't been kind on me either. everytime i seek closure for something, life messes it up.
everytime i wanna open something, life messes it up too.
is this how Murphy's law supposed to work?
is this the pleasure gained from the powers that be?
to ruin me? to make me miserable? to make me suffer? to see me hurt?

at this junction, i wonder
do i close the door? do i seal my windows? do i freeze my palace?
or do i even continue to leave it open, letting the last bit of heat to warm?
do i continue to stare out, looking at summer love?
or do i place my heart out, waiting for the winter cold?

tears i have none, regrets i have a tonne
sometimes i see all, but at the same time, i see none
how strange, i wonder
as we go closer, we drift further apart.

ciao

MESS

am trying to reopen a can of worms here, and see how much i can let loose. probably it will help me learn better, probably it'll remain just the same.

i've been a mess. a wonderful mess. it is exceptional that it could have been perfect. never have i, in my 26 years of existence, have to go to the emergency ward 3 times in a row. while the first one was just as a company, i nearly died during the second and third times. i do wonder, why do i keep on hurting so much. already, emotional and mental anguish is hard to bear daily, i have to couple it with physical pain? to the point that i had to be admitted to the hospital for 4 days for observation and treatment for tonsillitis. i do wonder when can all these predicament end. as i have expressed my desire for a tonsillectomy in the near future, let's hope that it will be a closure to all the pain and suffering that i've had.

seriously, from the first night we met, it seemed like i've offended the whole universe, and it is now out to get me. was it sheer coincidence? or is it a fragment of my imagination, i seriously don't know. things are going from bad to worse. will my death be the ultimate answer to your existance in my life? the flu, followed by the lymph nodes and tonsil inflammation, followed by the fall, the dehydration, the tonsillitis and fever, and possibly now, a skin allergy. why have i got to bear all the punishment while you enjoy the pleasure?

sometimes, i don't understand. why do you want to keep me in ur guard? is it because i am easy going, easily conned, easily pursuaded? or just to naive to give everything. from money, to time to effort. all just to satisfy what you need. even when i am lying nearly dead on the hospital bed, you had to get what you want. the reality is, i can't even support myself. how am i supposed to support another person. what kind of mess have i got myself into

everytime we talk, sms, or interact, it has always been about you. you. you. you and you only. it was never about me. and when i put me, i get sidelined, pushed away, and replaced by you. while i have never complained about this before, it did make me realise that it is not worth my while. then, how do i pull away. what is the difference between me and your friend? aren't we all bound by the hooks and webs that you laid when we first met? i don't know

there's going to be a new change in my life. i am now back as a student in the university, and hopefully will obtain my masters in 2 years, or possibly a direct doctorate in 5. am praying for the latter. well, i guess the transition time is also good for me to review my priorities in life. they should go as such: studies, gym, health and family. i will, once again, remove love from the whole equation as i don't want anymore distractions.

let's just be friends, ok?

people said that i've changed. especially when i am with you. probably i do. probably i am more tolerant, more silent, more bearable. but is it because i am the only person trying to make things work? probably i should stop all those lies and return to what i was previously.

enough for now, as i am getting really tired. antibiotics are no good for the system, and yet i have to take them like candies thanks to a simple mistake. tonsils. seriously, for the proponent of evolution: why is mankind so stupid to retain useless pieces of body for eventual removal?

why do we hurt? how do we stop the pain?

ciao
ben

crossroads

again, i find myself confunded by hecate's schemes. i am standing at the crossroads again, wondering what to do. which path should i take, and which journey will be the best for me. i know for certain that all of them will eventually lead me to the realm of hades, but i certainly want to take the road that is least painful and least hurtful.

a month. apart from the first time, there is nothing left. probably lust works stongest when you first meet. it will eventually die off, leaving you nothing but a sad memory. although we've been out together so many times, i fail to notice my retaining power. i fail to see how am i going to maintain you. i know that money is certainly buying your love now, but where do we go when the money ends. am i, but just a fool??

i have to keep on being something that i am not, just to ensure that you will be happy. just to ensure that you will be with me. but is this worth it?? will i never get to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore? or will i never get to admire myself anymore?? i always wonder about the end of the day. well, i guess i should be wondering so much, consider the day has already ended when we meet.

learning to let go. probably i should do so when i still love you. they say, short term pain is much better than a prolonged pain. probably we should just break it off when the time is still favourable. but how do i bring myself to tell this to you? i don't wanna lose a friend. but i don't wanna lose my senses and my life.

hair. eyes. arms. body. leg. hair. torso

there is nothing that i can do now but humbly surrender myself to the will of the powers that be. i guess i am ready to take the challenge. i am, but a small piece of rook in this ever big game of chess..

ciao

i am not happy

i think it is kinda rare to find me putting my emotions on my heading. but i guess now, why hide? yea. i am not happy. and i am not ashamed to admit it. i have never been truly happy, and things are certainly not looking any brighter now.

turning 26.. guess what, it was one of the lousiest birthday of my life. every year, it gets worst. perhaps i am expecting a little more. perhaps there shouldn't be a compromise. but things turned totally against me, despite the attempts of friends to make it work for me. i guess my desire for surprise did come true. just that it wasn't a very pleasant surprise. however, there is no one that i could blame, for it is only me wanting everything to be better.

i am not happy on my chances (or lack of) in getting one of the most coveted scholarships in malaysia. it was a risk that i dared for, but it has fallen out of my favour. probably i am expecting a little too much. again, it is just me, and my perceptions. however, i didn't give up, as i did go for another attempt somewhere else. heck, if m'sia doesn't want me, perhaps somewhere else would want me..

i am not happy with work. in fact, i haven't done much over the couple of days, as i prefer to idle my time on other matters such as the queen's coronation (which by the way, is the most spectacular thing that i have ever witnessed). i understand the lack of motivation as a sub-expression of my emotional control, but the working environment is not exactly conducive for me, nor motivating for me to strive further.

emotions. they tend to overwhelm me. again, i was brought to realise that i expect a little more, and the present situation is not as desired. hence, i am not happy. if only things could change. if only i don't have to waste that much time, energy and financial resources. probably i should just take a step back and revert to my original self, and atone for my sins.

i am not happy. i have sinned, and i don't know how to atone for it. i shouldn't have loved at the first place, and i shouldn't have harboured love. love, passion and desires are sins that are consuming me. bringing me closer to the flames of hell. if only i know of redemption.

ciao

my last day...

ok, the title did come off a little dramatic. no worries, i am not ending my life. just reminiscing some of the happenings of my 25th year of existence. after that, am starting again at 26, and i do wonder what is in store for me...

25. the year of taking risks. one too many risks, and one too many mistakes. i never expected it to be that way, and all the hurt and pain was too great to bear. but i think i must move on. but then, i also do wonder, why isn't the powers that be allowing me to move on. i hate all those tricks that you are playing on me. i'm starting to take baby steps and you put a whole freaking stumbling block in front of me. are you trying to tell me that i am going into a pithole again? will i ever see the sunshine? or will i forever be trapped in this darkness..

gaga says: everyone is beautiful in their own way cos God makes no mistakes.
i say: Gaga is wrong. God's only mistake is me.. but no worries, his mistake will not last long.

purity is, but the past now, as i write. although i don't regret it, i will also not deny the conflict deep within. will i fail to walk the paths of the enlightened?

is a house really a home without love? denied in the song, i am starting to feel the same here. what are my options? how do i leave? will i be able to pack up, and just walk out of this place, leaving this misery forever? will i be able to support myself to walk away, and to never look back. i want tabula rasa. but is tabula rasa even available? can i severe all relations, all ties, all friends, and all family.. to start anew?

let's hope there are some new developments for my 26th year. like i've mentioned before, i only saw myself living up to 25. i don't even see anything between 26 to 30..or even beyond that.

lastly, i can't help but to feel as if i'm walking onto this huge wall. i gave my all. ditch my ego, dropped my defences, and lay down my weapons. and what do i get in return? walls and walls. probably by the end of the day, i wil end up rebuilding my freaking fort, with a shattered core. all over again. is it worth it? i don't know

[i see you both side by side on FB chat!! WTF!!]

happy jar (my first 26th birthday gift). but will i be happy?? haha. anyway, thanks for the thought. i do agree, it's not simple to buy things for me. but i wasn't expecting anything anyway. all i wanted was just good company. precious friends that will be there, one way or another, for me.

friends.

just friends.

(B)e (I)n (T)otal (C)ontrol of (H)im [saw this on a printed tee.. kinda cute, but i just don't dig printed tees]

argh!! i still freaking see you....

anyway, i guess that's all i have for tonight. may want to post something just before i turn 26.. probably, if the conditions permit

ciao

motions

i guess i can never stop feeling the fatigue and the lethargy that life has bestowed upon me. everything seems to be changing so fast. the pace is so rapid that sometimes, i am left behind the chase. seriously. should i even be chasing the change? or just ignore it and remain status quo? sadly, life is not an island, where change can be resisted, or just drowned with the water. tell me how am i to cope..

a friend is finally gone. as my friends suggested, i guess i should acknowledge the feeling. yes, i did love. and i am happy that i did, for now, i carry this love with me knowing that this person is happier at the new place. it may be hard, but i have learnt to wish happiness and joy to this person, for that is the power of love.

but then again, what about myself. am i moving in the right direction? is it love of lust that is driving me? how much and how long can i go? is it even the right choice? or is it a choice of desperation? i can see that things are good, but am i even ready to make such changes in my life?

nevertheless, some things did have change. i guess i am happy that it all happened when i'm still 25, and 25 is certainly a wonderful year. but is it for real? it was certainly, and i did take the extreme chance. doing things beyond my norm. but am i going too fast? too far? to extreme? i don't know. what i do know is someone is proud of me that i am growing up. but am i certain that i've grown??

i don't believe in god. but at this point, i just need more strength from whoever and whatever, to help me move on with life. i admit that i am fragile, hence i need all the support that is available. will you support me?

ciao

the social butterfly

the social butterfly, fluttering from one table to one table, exchanging greetings, sharing a toast, bursting with laughter and smiles... but deep down, there lies a bigger lie. the social butterfly is not happy. the social butterfly is nearing death. if only the social butterfly can pick itself up, and fly towards the flame, allowing it to be consumed, and reduced to ashes and dust.. if only it had.

sick. fatigue. lethargy. probably these words can best descibe me now, and in fact, most of the time. i am so sick of this thing called life, as it is leading me no where. where are the ups? and where are the downs? and how do we differentiate it? probably for an introvert like me, the up periods should be those when i am alone, reeling in my own energy. if that's the case, then why ain't i happy?

fatigue. my body is telling me that i should be wasting it that much. i should learn how to take care of it. but am i listening? do i want to listen? and can i afford to listen? everyone desires for some achievement in a certain period of time. milestones, they call it. it is now the 3rd of April. exactly a month until i turn 26. but what are my milestones, and have i achieve what i've set out to get? did i manage to change my life? nothing. instead, all i have is this whole sense of fatigue, making me wish that i can lie on the bed for a long long time without waking or moving. eternel sleep, how i wish it can come to me.

lethargy. my mind is fried. my emotions are burnt, and my strength is spent. i've tried stepping out of my comfort zone, taking the various chances. all i get are just rejections, one after another. probably it is time that i call it quits, and set forth to renounce what i've got. probably a solitary life, devoid of temptations and mundane influences, is what i need to attain inner peace.

ever so often, i have to be the caring one. the one, where his shoulders are ready to support the burdens of the world. the one, where i open the door, allow you in, pamper you, shower you with attention and love. the one that is everything but all that i set out to be. when will i ever get to lie on someone's shoulder, pouring my heart out to it? when will someone hold the door, or tell me that it'll be there waiting for me? when will the person be able to take me into its arms, without caring about my looks, my skin, my colour, my religion, and my wallet. there is still a part of me that hopes for that to happen, but as i have always thought, and maintain, good things do not happen to me.

waiting for the end to come.

if only there's someone who is willing to buy me a bottle of ice cold beer..

mirror mirror

sometimes, i do like to sit back and wonder.. why am i doing all these. what is the worth of doing all these stuff, when all i get to be is just a wallflower. i mean, come on.. i spend money trying to look better, go for facials, i dress fine, i study hard... and yet, what do i get?? a lifetime of loneliness and despair? or a mockery of my life.

i understand the need to be comfortable in my own skin. but what if my skin is not what i desire?? my greatest weakness is very apparent, and i don't deny it. in fact, i have never liked the skin that i am in, and have tried so very hard to change it, mask it and all.. and yet, when it is down to the bare essentials, it is still my skin that matters.. when will we be able to rise above and see beyond the skin?

they say that smart women find it hard to have boyfriends. does it apply for men too? i am not sure, but given my conditions, i do feel like i'm stuck in the situation. a perfectly decent conversation goes un-noticed, ignored. so, is knowledge a boon or a bane?

a look in the mirror reveals the age, the weariness, the lethargy. am i able to sustain and move on with life? or shall i call it quits? if yes, how do i quit? show me a way...

ciao

[update 23:23hrs] again, i know that i have the ability to scare someone off forever.. haha. i guess this is the so called superpower huh. to the last good man on earth, stay strong and healthy..we love you!!

[update 00:30hrs] i will want to catch you when you fall, and you are certainly worthy of it. however, i know that there will be other angels lining up nearby, spreading their wings to protect you. i shall take leave with my mortal frame, wishing you the best

blind

i guess this post is long overdue. although i did want to write something here, i can never muster the courage, the time or the strength to write my thoughts here. i have the weird sense of insecurity, and i guess it is harming me in more ways than ever.

i guess i've finally learnt how to let you go. i am no longer obsessed with you. in fact, you have faded so seamlessly that i don't remember where, when or how. it was never a doubt that the moments i had with you (although very brief) were beautiful. just like you, simply beautiful. however, i don't think that i will stop loving you, hence i will love you forever.

to you,thank you for allowing me to have those wonderful moments together. 3 years, and now, we are moving on. i wish you joy, happiness, and above all things, love. i know you will be better when you are gone. and that is why, i promise myself that i shall not miss you that often. again, i was blind at that moment, but my blindness will not stop me from loving you forever.

explorations. they don't work. they will never work, and i am just a natural human repellant. a few conversations, and i never hear from you again. a few sms-es, a phone call, and no more news from you. a few lines, and then, you're gone. thank you then, i say, for showing me the way. thank you also, i say, for making me realise that it is only but a short lived dream.

i don't know what are my chances anymore, but i think i am too tired to continue on. i don't wanna take it anymore, and i have had enough of this shit. if only things could work out easier for me, then i wouldn't have to be in this dilemma so often.

i only smile when i want to. i also have the 'you don't look important for me to smile at you' look (so says my friend), which i think is pretty true. so, i guess it is fate, and i shall learn to accept it. come what may, i say. come what may.

i am so blind i guess i will never see the light. i should learn to refocus. at this moment, i am already dumping a lot of my attachments, and moving on to a higher level of realisation. i hope that i do not falter in this quest, to reinvent a new me. i guess you can call it the final stage of Marslow's heirarchy of needs. i am now going for spiritual development, and i think it is for the best.

wish me luck.

anyway, the only interesting thing that happened was that i was in Japan again, to attend the conference. as usual, it is cold, and it snowed, but i loved it to bits. however, my prayers to all those affected by the tsunami and the earthquake. i do wish that i can go there and help all i can, but i guess it is not forthcoming.

have a pleasant evening.