Sin: Gluttony

ok, so i've being tempted.. either that, or i've lost control on myself anymore. i think i'm slowly turning into a glutton. either that, or maybe there's just so much food at home, ready for CNY.
let's see, i've finished about 100g of dried meat (bak kwa), a jar of peanut cookies, half jar of 'ngaku' (arrow head) chips... besides, i'd indulged in a prosperity burger set from McD(evil), topped with the red bean sundae....i think i can feel my waist expanding while i type...
mind you, all this, at 11 days before chinese new year.. i wonder how am i gonna survive this holiday..

Out of steam

well, i'm exhausted. so tired of what's going on around me. i just can't seem to pen my thoughts on anything now. there's so many things to do, and yet i've completed none. goals to reach, yet none have materialise...and now, i am lost in this game called life.

the past week was indeed fun. thaipusam festival (celebrated with friends atop the hill), then a shopping spree..but is that what i really want? is that what they really want?? sometimes i wonder. i tend to take the lead most of the time...i don't wanna be a leader, but somehow, i'll just assume the role naturally. however, this got me thinking.. are my pals fine with it? if not, why don't they say anything. they keep on asking me to plan.. but are my plans fruitful and befits everyone? or it's just plain rubbish and ppl are following just to please me.... i wonder

then, i wonder again. do people actually want me in their group? do they really accept me as part of their social network? or are they just putting up with me, hoping that i will shy away soon? am i imposing myself on others, making them love my company? or do my actions actually make them loath me?? i wonder

silly thoughts fill my head while i'm awake. silly dreams take me to places that i haven't been in my sleep. is this because i'm a silly person? of has my mind being idle for so long that it is slowly turning senile?? well, i was just telling my grams this afternoon, if ever i will be mentally demented when i'm old. considering that i've already lost half of my mind now, will i ever trod down the street naked? in a bra? or will i spend the remaining years of my life on the side walk??

then there are times where we dream beyond our means. we imagine ourselves being in someone else's position, doing some other things... take me for instance.. i'd dream of being a fashion designer, a marine biologist, a model(?), an event planner(?), a psychic....but where am i now? stuck in reality, being just the average joe. will i lead a woeful life, remaining average, and pass away anonymously?? or will i ever get the chance to lead a high life?? i wonder again.....

ok, i guess lethargy is taking over my soul. anymore blabbering, and tim burton will make a movie out of my pathetic life. hence, i bid thy adieu, and till we meet again..
ciao

je t'aime.

oh, i've just found out about this song from celine dion, titled 'water from the moon'. it's rather old, but i find the lyrics quite interesting. in fact, it mirrors certain parts of my love life (if only i had one). i told myself to stay clear of the untouchable...but i guess the hyde in me just wouldn't comply. spending more time with this person will only lead my into deeper misery... but hyde thinks, do i have to get water from the moon, to make the person love me.....

ciao

mamma say, mamma sa, mamma coosa

chant it with me:
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa

haha..don't ask me what it means.. it's just that i find it so cute. all thanks (or no thanks) to rihanna (don't stop the music). can't help when i have that track on repeat, and i am constantly bouncing to the beat. somehow, the body jam breakout got me hooked and i am not sick of dancing to it yet. i just love the jump

mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa

nothing much to blog about (considering the time from the previous post to this post is rather short). just another normal day, with my hands full on the ps2 game, observing bettas breeding, yoga....haih.

somehow or other, i was really really tired today. dunno what got onto me. i nearly fell asleep doing yoga poses (and mind u, they were not easy).

i'd just remember, i didn't put up some of my thoughts, so here goes:
1) me vegan on tuesday.. wondering what to eat?? any ideas on what to eat? or maybe i should just cook some veges by myself
2) i wanna bake some cookies for CNY. am still looking for the perfect recipe.
3) the moon is really beautiful today. when was the last time that u took a look at the moon?? i'd reckon that u guys keep a lookout for her for the next few days cos she's really beautiful
4) mamma say mamma sa, mamma coo sa, mamma say mamma sa, mamma coosa
5) i am determined to take the balance training...but should i also do the flow yoga training. how bout jam? should i take it? am i good? or just as bad as sean?? i wonder
6) thaipusam....
7) i want more clothes.. i just don't have enough. oh, and on clothes, i am considerign altering a pair of pants so that i can wear it for balance. hmm. wonder if it will be successful. maybe i can put my label there too. [Q] designs.

ok, ciao
je t'aime
ben

G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S.

Fergie?? not.. it's ME. i'm glamorous...haha. i wish. don't get me wrong, i am not suffering from an inflated ego overdose.. neither am i high on pot. just that i wanna feel, be and live glamorous. i want to fly first class, pop the bubbling..and do all that i love, and not give a damn.....
however, all these are dreams of a silly fool living in the 21st century...all i can do now is just stick to my monotonous routine, grow up, earn a living, and die peacefully...haha

have been having bouts of weird dreams and the such. one day, it was about me making a turn into mich's place (apparently the turn is called a 'toaster turn), another was about me doing my crocodile pose, with the term fool's hover in my head. this afternoon, i was dreaming of me,mich,lav and chris, walking along the promenade of esplanade, in the rain. next thing i know, my poncho was blown away, my umbrella couldn't shelter me anymore, and i was drenched to the core. feeling wet, i had actually crouched down and cried. i know. i cried and cried and cried like a lunatic. mind u, there was a RHCP song in the background (behind blue eyes), and eventually changed to enya's oronico flow....there. talk about a twisted mind.

retail therapy is better than sex. this is what i think. bought myself 2 tops yesterday....from prangin nonetheless (i always suffer from a severe headache in that particular mall). so, there's the white chinese motif/button top (for first day of CNY), and a black vest/hoodie thingy (for my next clubbing session..although i don't really know when). am so pleased with the purchases....now, i just can't wait to put them on (i've tried them on twice today, especially the black vest)...haha

mum says i should stop losing weight. apparently, i'm starting to look like a drug addict. dad thinks that i may ruin my body with the drastic weight loss (i told him last thursday). ppl tell me i shouldn't lose anymore, and should tone up instead.....
i know, but somehow, i think i really want to shed that last few kilos to end up a perfect 60. yes, i need to tone up..(more serious effort needed), but i think lean muscles are sexy....what to do.....argh

here's two ppl that i proudly say i envy them....
1) Kah Hooi... gosh, he lost so so so much weight, has so much energy...and has abs. he has abs....he has abs. i'm really impressed with him. i do my workout so often, and yet i don't see my abs...but his is there....just there. gosh...
2) Chris...first, he was fat and ugly (thank goodness i didn't know him then). then he's so slim. and now, he's complaining that he's fat...but above all that...he can eat and eat and eat and eat non stop for more than 12 hours..and still remain so thin. all i could hear from him is food, food and more food. it's like he's got this gigantic tapeworm in his tummy or something.... if only i could eat like him and not worry about anything..

thaipusam's this wed. i'm going up the hill on tues nite/wed morn, and hopefully with all my besties (old and new). really look forward to that, as this time, our circle is getting larger and larger..haha. so, wish me luck

lastly, i find myself very cheap when it comes to the 'untouchable'. i've been offering myself to help the untouchable. i know i may be kind, but is my kindness really pure? or is it with a hidden agenda? i don't know. getting to know my untouchable deeper is a good thing...but will the deepness hurt me eventually? only time will tell.. the person is still untouchable, and i am still going nowhere. maybe i need a new person in life, someone that can take me as i am. someone that will appreciate me. i don't know...haih.
this silly little game called love.....

ok, ciao.
je t'aime

milk: the new whey of life...

this is just in from men's health (jan 2008). apparently, milk is a good substitute to all those expensive protein shakes body builders take after working out. apparently, milk contains 80% whey protein and 20% casein. there guys, i can still get whey protein without paying with my life. besides, i guess all those advertised whey protein are lactose based too. guess i'll just have to stock up on my milk supply, and drink them like there's no tomorrow.

life's pretty boring when u're stuck in the same place, doing the same damn thing everyday. well, i was hoping that i could at least finish my project on the 31st of january, and celebrate chinese new year in peace. somehow, my supervisor thinks otherwise and decided to extend my project right up to valentine's day, and make me work like a horse to obtain results before handing in my thesis by the end of march. what does she take me as? heck.. i'm so frustrated, but what can i say? i'm depending on her to grant me an A, so that i can graduate with flying colours. the A is crucial as my cgpa is now getting closer and closer to the 4.00 mark. but then again, it all depends on luck. like my previous thought, good things just don't happen to me at all. one moment, i may think that i have it all, then everything takes a tumble.

untouchable, untouchable. i know it sparked some interest amongst my readers. well, don't worry, it's true. not fabricated from some idle place in my mind. just that i don't think it's right to reveal the person here. besides, i thought that i could really pass it all off...the day proves otherwise. i still see the person, enjoys its company, and actually misses it when i don't hear from it at all. could this be signs that i need someone by my side now?? hmm, i wonder.

reading my blogs, u may think that i am one desperate person trying to get laid all the time (and failing miserably in that). well, i may be desperate, but i am still a player and will never commit to any long term thingy. maybe it's just not in my veins to settle down. there is a long journey ahead, and i just can't let someone tie me down. and if my journey is short, i must savour every moment, not let another being tie me down with their thoughts, feelings and the such.
i admit that i have issues...but i guess everyone has them. it's just how they channel them. i have taken a silent oath not to be married or have kids, but this doesn't stop me from having fun at all. so..people, we must learn how not to mix our gut feeling with our minds.

enough of my miserable love life...other focus..hmm. workout. ok, i'm pretty impressed with my waist. in fact, i was so happy with it. now, i really have to take the flab off the tummy. and apparently the most effective way is to develop other areas of the trunk, like the pecs, the back and the shoulders. so, i have therefore resolve to develop these areas before my training, and hopefully they'll impress the trainers when i do my balance training (that's in march :(). oh,anyway, i took part in the 'contender' challenge organised by the gym just now. finally able to gauge my fitness level. overall, i am not to bad. i managed to run the run, squat the squat, lunge the lunge and punch the punch. just that i have to work harder on my push ups, and also on my abs. however, i was super happy in the shower just now as i finally felt my obliques. it's something that i never really thought that i could achieve and feel. but it's there...hard, and it's there. guess i'll have to work harder to train them, as well as the other abdominal muscles.

well, as lengthy as a post can be, there is always an end. and here it is, for this post. have a good day, and live life to the fullest.
je t'aime

p.s.: did i mention, the Celine Dion- a new day concert is superb. i've watched it twice already...and more to come. it's just amazing seeing my idol on stage giving her best. well, there are moments and phrases of songs which suddenly brings back memories, as well as the teary feeling in my eye..guess this is the true power of music....

size does matter

love the title? anyway, this blog is not about the size of some precious organs or something. it's just that i've dropped in size again. now, i can fit in easily into a size 28 pair of pants. hahaa. how bout that!! well, my mum bought 2 pair of pants for my cousins down under. previously, i was so huge that they used to tease me...now..i'm the same size..so, laugh ur heart out ppl!!!

well, i went for the fat analysis test just now too..haha. and apparently, i've dropped another kilo from 2 weeks ago. i weighed myself on new years's eve, and i was standing at 63. now, i'm 62. well, now i target to reach 60 kilos...wish me luck. as for my fat percentage...not too bad also 15% only. hahahahah. and that translates to 9.9kg of my total body weight...am so happy

well, enough of my weighty issues...let's move to something else. well, i'd realise that i'm hurting myself with all the illusions on the untouchable. i was deluded. it could never be mine. for the past two weeks, i've been challenging the powers that be for signs. initially, the signs pointed to me to give up, and as i was looking for an ultimatum, the signs changed again, giving me new hope. but i guess it's all bull. i finally initiated the ultimate sign today, and i've got my answer. things will never be. i shall wake up from this dream and pick up what's left of me. it's really comfortable to have the untouchable so close, but i guess it's time for me to stop and rescue myself from hurting myself anymore....so..au revoir, mon untouchable. i wish u well..and we'll still be friends. but i guess i won't let my emotions ruin everything.

other thoughts for the past few days:
1) good things just don't happen to me at all..
2) chinese new year is round the corner
3) balance training- postponed...so, i guess my break into 'stardom' have got to wait a little longer..haha
4) i've found friends in which i can open up and not worry about anything. i've let go quite a lot from being judgemental and all....

ok, ciao
je t'aime

another birthday

well, i don't remember celebrating that many birthdays in january for the past 2 decades. anyway, this is my second one for the month (and in the week). it's chris's birthday this time. he is only 19.gosh, celebrating birthdays of younger people brings back memories of how i celebrated mine then.

well, my 19th birthday was celebrated by my 2 besties, on wesak day. they even bought me cheesecake from coffee bean, joined the procession, and went out to gurney hawker centre for supper. that's how i celebrated my 19th.

but this time, it's chris...and we certainly had fun. pity that i've forgotten bout my camera. so, we had 'korean' style bbq steamboat. imho, it's just another steamboat bbq, not unlike the one from nagore road, except that they have the extra kimchi.anyhow, no thanks to terence, i stuffed myself to the max..something that i haven't done in ages. and we ended the dinner with yet another slice of jenni's cheesecake. this time, it's blueberry. it's basically like a whole layer of cheese, topped with a layer of blueberry in gelatin. so filling. the fromage was delicious..but too much of it will actually make me sick. thank goodness i only had a small slice

naturally, lunch/dinner was followed by a session of 'window shopping'. it was supposed to be just browsing around trying to burn the calories, but instead, i burnt another hole in my pocket. this time, it's the celine dion's a new day live performance (with loads of behind the scene, and special footage). it practically yelled out to me..BUY ME!!!!and i did. ah, temptations....to hard to resist at times..

well, guess i'm going off now. i apologise for the previous post as it was lenghty and confusing. but those things were from deep down. whatever it is, i guess posts such as that will only appear once in a blue moon...or never more.
ciao

2008...now what?

haha...i am running out of ideas on what to put as my title. maybe because i have so many things to blog, and my thoughts are so random. i can hardly put them in pieces as the conflict in me is raging mad..

maybe i shall begin with something sweet..hmm, terence's birthday. it's today, but we celebrated it last night. we had chinese..delicious. although i love to try various types of dishes, chinese food is still my fav (maybe because i've been having them for close to 23 years)..dinner ended with the traditional cake cutting and eating ritual..haha. it's so much fun looking at terence cutting the cake..weird emotions were sketched all over his face. oh, and must i mention, the cake was delicious... it was heavenly, and it all came from jenni's.. (haha, i chose it cos chris couldn't decide). the white chocolate is just.....so luxurious..
we continued with karaoke at midlands.. gosh, i haven't been to that place in ages, and now, it's really really shody. it was one of the best malls back when i was a teenager....(nvm that). anyway, we sang. i sang (without a proper voice). and we finally realised that jack is the best singer of the lot...haha.
midway, i went bowling. gosh, i haven't bowled in 3 years....and it was funny watching me starting all over again. my first two sets went into the gutter...(with style)..haha..but, all in all, it was a good night

here's a little on my new year's party.. as u may have read from my previous blog...i had fun. in fact, i believe i had more fun than the rest of us...what u guys didn't know, is that the person that night wasn't me..(at least i think). somehow or other, a new personality emergered that night. this person is so different from ben, and [Q]. it's so weird....he's wild, he's crazy, he's beautiful, he's a drinker, a thirsty blood hunter...and someone who did things he never dared all his life... in fact, he was basically flirting with everyone on the dance floor...and i am worried. i am worried that he will rise again,and consume me without me knowing it....and it's dangerous. i think i need to see a shrink..
anyhow, i'm partly to be blamed too...for i did select my outfit, did on some makeup..and had chocolates...

i promised to touch a little on the 'untouchable'. well, it's very simple. it's a person, u can see, u can interact, u can have fun, u can share...but u can never have it. it's untouchable because if u do touch it, then it'll break everything. it'll shatter ur life, ur friendship, ur social circle...everything. it's not unreachable, for it is already there...but i just can't touch it. besides, touching it will mean that i'm stealing it from another person...and it's so wrong. lastly, untouchable too cos it may not feel the same way that i do...so, there. truly untouchable. guess i'll just have to live my life from afar, watching it bloom, while i wither....it's hard for me, and the void really consumed my day..but what can i do..it's just untouchable. (confession: it did affect my yoga practise this afternoon, just thinking of the untouchable)....maybe that's why i'm so moody.

anyway, here are other thoughts that i have had for the week....

1) i am addicted to dance.. in fact, i am addicted to performing dance...not the jam type. those that conveys a story..those filled with emotions....
i keep on having the picture of a waltz on the dance floor...full of emotions...of love, hate, revenge, and lost.... and another scene..i'm dancing on the dance floor of a club, surrounded by ppl...me flirting around, when suddenly, i am left alone on the dance floor...torn and dejected...with no one to pick me up... (gosh, what is happening to me??)

2) somehow, i kinda understand the muse behind 'the little mermaid'. the h.c.anderson version (not disney). somehow, i feel like i am like the mermaid...finding someone i like/love...and when i found it, i have to sell my voice to the witch (my fears)...resulting in me never telling the person of my feelings....ultimately, i think i shall perform the final sacrifice...throw myself off board, ending my misery..and learn to bless other ppl's love life....

3) i am like a phoenix.. (hey, who said that my thoughts are sane??). i've suffered a horrible year..passing away into the shadows..and ultimately, into embers..but somehow, before the flame was snuffed out, i burst forth again...with more fire, more beautiful..and stronger..and having my hair looking like flames..haha

4) what the heck am i doing stuck in a wet lab feeding some fishes? why do i have to sacrifice my weekends, my holidays, my time, to do something that i didn't ask for. i understand that the zoology field is wide..but why is my workload twice of that from my peers?? i wonder

5) what will i do when i finish my degree?? will i continue my masters? or do i work?? what about doing something out of the ordinary, like modelling, or maybe become a full time instructor?? who will be by my side on my graduation day?? will i have a loved one there? or will i only be sharing that day with my friends and family??

6)will i ever find love? i kinda shut myself from love a long time ago. i tried to open up,but i don't think i ever will...and what am i looking? am i looking for a female? or a male? probably u'll think that i am crazy, but i don't mind being with someone of the same gender (as long as my parents don't kill me when they find out).

7)i've had this particular heartache for a few years now...and i never really could put it down. i thought i could upon christmas, but new year brought it back to me. somehow, the heartache peaked during the holiday season because i had more encounters with it...gosh, i must be sick. let's hope i can put it down, and start somewhere else. however, someday, i do hope that i will gain enough courage (and hopefully i'm drunk), to actually address my heartache...

ok, enough of my thoughts....i have to go off now..to get ready for a new day. although it'll be a routine day...i'm always hoping for something better. as i've mentioned previously, there's always hope left in pandora's box..

je t'aime
ben

the new beginning

it's officially 2008 now. another year has gone by... and this year, i'll be turning 23..haha. 23. such a weird number. not really young, but yet not too old. anyway...it wouldn't be so soon though..haha

so, how did u guys spend the new year?? i had a blast. in fact, it was more than a blast. i was wild. although i missed all the fireworks and the such, i think i made more fireworks than usual. i was transformed..completely into another person. just ask my pals and they'll tell u that it wasn't me last nite/this morning..haha

so, we had to have dinner at the hawker centre...no complaints from me as it's way cheaper from being in QE2. then, headed over to upper penang road to have fun. the place was crowded, and ppl are trying to get into the clubs by the droves. so, we headed to babylon instead (well, this babylon is no where near the one in qaf). the suite/lounge was perfect. nice deco, nice lighting, and most important, nice mattress to lie on..haha. so, had a pina colada there to warm up the night....

then, slightly before midnight, headed over to momo's. yup...the infamous momo. well,it was relatively easy to go in..(5 mins). but we spent another 5 minutes looking for a space to linger. the place was jam packed. so, i partied...hard. i went wildl beyond reason. in fact, i was flirting and playing around with a lot of ppl in sight..haha.

dancing was superb..and ppl are hot hot hot.....it's the most amazing time of my life. in fact, this is the third time in momo's for me, but i have never partied that hard before. i had nothing to worry...and it was perfect.

anyway, enough of my day....i hope that the future will be just as good as this..haha.
so, here are a few things that i found out to really enjoy myself:
1) booze aplenty
2) superb fashion sense (i was dressed up to the nines)
3) nice hair highlights (my hair is violet red now)
4) good dance skills
5) besties
6) flirts aplenty
7) a certain heartache and the untouchable


hahahaha....so, here's all i have for the new year..have fun guys..
ciao
je t'aime