4th day

it's the 4th morning away from home. it feels so good, and just so nice to be away from my mundane and boring life. the lovely summer here is just so wonderful, that given, i don't mind spending the rest of my days here.. however, reality beckons, and i know i have to return. but i promise myself, i must try to look for a job here.. like the ecologist attached to the construction of the olympic stadiums in UK.. so amazing.

anyway, i had one of the most magical moment yesterday, when i was praying in the Westminster Abbey. yes, the very grand, very true, very gothic, simply amazing abbey. it was such a surreal feeling, and i managed to follow the 'evensong'. amazing. i don't mind going there again, and just spend my time in tranquility there.

impermanence.. somehow, i can still think about it, after being miles and days away from it. i hope to change, and i hope for something better.. but it's just so glaring, and so in the face.. if only..

anyway, why do ppl like to judge, assume and have wrong impressions of things? it's not like i have done anything..besides, this is my life.. and i owe it to no one but myself. if only they could understand. possibly, this is why, i still stand by my side.

away

10 days since i last wrote something here.. am now 10800 km away from home. with 7 hours difference, and many degrees up north, am seeking for a change in life. looking for something new, something worthy, and something worthwile to live for..

ciao

friday afternoon musings

again, i'm stuck in the 'friday' mood. being idle for the past hour or two, i've decided to just rant a little here.. nothing much, just a few musings from the past few days..

to start off, harry potter 6. watched it last night. great. however, as many would agree, it doesn't leave much of an after taste. in fact, ralph finnes wasn't even in the film..strange, isn't it? but whatever it may be, i just can't wait for the next one. we're all in the HP limbo now. an after thought: bellatrix is really 'cool'. her maniacal appearance and all.. wow.

have been quite moody for the past couple of days, and couldn't really understand why. probably it's the change of phases, and i think i needed more time to adapt and survive.

found myself being a little dictatorial during one of the meetings. thankfully, i managed to stop myself and went to the loo. then only i realised, some of my childhood idols include hitler and eva peron. in fact, eva was a huge influence, making me realise that style and fashion must not be compromised.. hmm..

i think i finally saw something that wasn't intended to be seen, felt something and realised something. again, curtain call, and i shall leave the scene. i've played my part well enough, and my lines have ended.

found myself wondering a few things:
1. was seated on the couch last tues in gym, and wondered.. what the heck is everybody doing, coming to the gym, working out and all.. there were about 19 ppl on the floor, and 15 in the studio.. and then i asked myself. what am i doing there??

2. again wondering what makes a human. who dictates that two eyes, one nose, and a mouth is normal.. and what exactly are humans?? walking, living creatures?? what makes us more supreme than the other animals? is it our thoughts? what about animals' thoughts??

3. why am i born a human, and at this place and time? why am i born who i am today. had the previous generation made other choices, what would i be? will i be the same? or something different. and ultimately, why was i born as me??

4. why am i brown??

5. what defines work? sitting in the office?? i'm starting to lose passion and interest, so, what should i do??

i guess things are really random in my head. i just can't help it, but everything is undergoing a major overhaul. it felt as if i've just done a 'show-hand' in a poker game, when i'm holding a losing hand. now that times, up, i have to see to my defeat. i've lost all.. and soon, my sanity and humanity.

reflections july 09

i seriously do not know how many reflections post have i written, but i guess this is slightly different from the rest..
somehow, it doesn't really rain in Penang. it pours!! and when it starts, the end never seems to be in sight. in fact, it started to pour since friday night, lasted throughout saturday and sunday, and finally subsided this morning. it kinda reflected my mood for those days too.. although i wasn't 'pouring', but everything seemed so bleak since friday evening, went like hell on sat and sun, and finally got better this morning. i wonder, is it heaven's way of expressing sympathy?? i dunno..

ciao

ghosts...

i think the socio-empath is back. gosh, i hate this feeling when i have to feel what others are feeling. feeling their hurt and their pain, their joy and sorrow..it really drives me crazy.

i think when i first decided to use this title, curiosity would definitely peak. everyone wants to find out about ghosts, know one, hear about one etc. but this post will be touching on two different types of ghosts, figuratively and literally. actually, this came about after a conversation i had with some friends last night. it had got me thinking for quite a while, and i guess there's no better way to channel my thoughts than to say it all here.

first, the literal one. yes, some say it is a fragment of our imagination. some dismisses it completely, and yet, some insist that they truly exists. for me, i take the last stand. the most probable reason was because i grew up in a chinese household with strong values. but over the years, i happened to be blessed with greater senses to know my surroundings. i remembered my first encounter vividly, and it happened when i was 12. 12 years have passes since then, and i have seen quite a few again.. but still, sometimes i wonder if it's only a fragment of my imagination. if it was, then could it explain the girl that walked off the balcony? or the man that ran down the stairs and behind me?? what about grandpa, who decided to 'revisit' us??

then the figurative ones. these are the 'ghosts' that used to haunt me. they surrounded me, and hung on for a greater part of my life. i thought i managed to get rid of them. two years ago, i thought they were gone. i found a new me.. but somehow, after last night, i had a chance to review myself.. and realised that they were back. i kinda had a hunch, early this year, but things went worse in april. i allowed them to fester, and now, they're here to stay..

then, there is the other 'ghost' that loves to knock on my door, pushing its way into my life. year after year, it seems to enjoy doing that. i thought i have shut the door so tight, so strong, and yet, it's knocking and pushing is starting to melt my defences. again, i may be the one imagining the knocking, for should i open this door and realise that there is no 'ghost', misery will come flooding in. it took me quite a while to close it the last time, but i am not sure how long it will take this time, should the door be damaged..

i'm starting to lose my flame, my desire, the passions and the feeling. it felt as if there is this huge boulder upon my shoulder, and there is nothing that i can do to remove it. i think it's probably time to plan my retreat, my hideout, my isolation.. i think it's time to go.

ciao

every man for himself..

clearly, the tides have changed.. i am no longer gonna be the proactive person, i am no longer gonna be kind, obliging and hardworking. i guess my attitude towards work have also changed dramatically, and now, i will only do what i am told, and at my own whims and fancy. i am not even gonna be involved to touch anything else.. haha.

somehow the tables have changed also, in my thinking. in a way, it's so funny to read what alan has to say in my previous blog, cos normally, i'll be the one advising such. i guess, it's time for me to stay away from all these, and indulge myself in my personal passion instead. no more pleasing this and entertaining that..

lastly, i don't see beauty/sexiness in megan fox. what is the big deal with that?? i'd prefer marcia cross over megan fox any time..

how come?

sometimes, do you find yourself wondering how come certain things happen, and how come certain things are not happening? i do find myself wondering about that too. i also wonder, how come ppl tend to perceive things in an askewed way. is it easier to think that way, then to rest in innocence??

and then, it also makes you wonder why. why is it easier this way than that way.. why did it happen/not happen, and what is the cause. if the cause was tackled and managed, will it happen? and why are there so many other different things that wants/tend to relate to the main event?? couldn't it be just a clean clear thing?

i wonder.

moving on, finally got my hands on another superb album by celine. not that it's new, but i dare say, it was one of her best english albums. 'a new day has come' was certainly the best comeback for an artiste. and the songs are just so great. so inspirational.. so celine. thanks to alan for passing the digital copy to me..

anyway, i realised that there were many loopholes in the previous blog, as the weekend seemed kinda fun (a little different from my routine). finally, traced my roots back to the tao, and went to did something chinese puritans would do.. i went to hit the 'little man'. haha. it was funny, but i think the psychological impact that came with it was quite good, as it felt as if some burden have been lifted from my shoulder. then, i went to asked the kuan yin oracle with the oracle sticks. it was a nerve-wrecking experience, as i had no idea when the stick would come out, if my shaking method was right or wrong, or what would the stick say.. but at last, all was good.. one thing i've learnt, the chinese may not be freudians or pavlovians, but they sure had a great way to consult themselves, and empower their psyche throught the faith. it just hurts to see more and more urban chinese are abandoning their roots and optioning for another belief.. oh, what will the world turn into, but a mess of chaos. what we came from, eventually, we are returning to it.

i miss rover (didn't go to the shelter as i went to pray). have to get over it, as i'll be away for longer period of time soon.

trust your heart.

ciao

iconic..

Thanks to Su Sian, now i have this.. hehe

my new baby..

as of 3pm yesterday, i became the proud owner of a Nikon D5000.. am so happy and pleased with myself that i can't stop admiring and playing with the camera. now that i have my D-SLR, i can shoot whatever wherever i want.. hehe. no holds, no bars, no comments!! and to hell to those who'd condemn my passion, my baby or my shooting spree. i owe you nothing!!

just to clear the air from a previous post, the something that i am missing, is not a person. it is an activity in which i should be doing, but i am not doing it because i have made a resolve previously. besides, it's a little too late, and it's not worth my doing anymore.

on a lighter note, went to nibong tebal to see fireflies last sat. it was nice, but actually not that impressive and amazing which i have imagined. in fact, the night wasn't that good cos we were late, hurried down our dinner, and only managed to see that 'many' fireflies. then, our little 'ghost hunt' wasn't that fruitful as we managed to see nothing, experienced nothing, and felt nothing. just realised that there's another haunted house near the area, called 99 doors. probably some other time i should go there.

enough for the moment, as i am caught in gossips.. hehe

Ripped pig

just a short one:
just saw an image of a muscular pig on FB, promoting amazing abs workout technique. so cute (oh, the pig has rippling muscles too).
message: if a pig could do it, why couldn't you

post 210 and rover..

another series of random ramblings:

1. i miss rover.. am going to see him tomorrow. can't wait to play with him. he's just so adorable.

2. this is post 210 already.. still way far behind from those who've managed post 1+++.. don't worry, am on my way. just that sometimes, i'm dry on writing juice.

3. writing my master's proposal is not easy, complicated by the lack of information and studies conducted previously.

4. anticipating balance and step tonight.. amazing how i can still keep my hair in place after doing jam and combat yesterday... hehe

5. am waiting for lunch with my diaper buddy.. haven't seen her in 2 months!! argh!!

6. need to buy prezzie for her.. birthday towards the end of the month!!

7. fireflies tomorrow.. so excited. let's just hope that i won't get lost while driving to nibong tebal. anyway, i believe the drive will be exciting, cos of the company i have with me.. so juicy and scandalous (words of alan)

8. there is a sense of missing something.. i kinda know what it is, but i am not taking action. it is necessary, it is worthy? and what if i'm wrong again. besides, i've made my stand since a long long time ago.

9. am a little pissed with sam that he didn't ask me to replace saturday's class. come on!! grow some balls!!

10. need to buy external hard drive. rooney knocked some sense in buying something smaller as i do not need 1T of storage space. hehe. thanks dude, and thanks for combat..

ok, enough for now.. again, am taking things slow.
it's friday (day of freya)

ciao

of floating mats and rover

this is gonna be totally random, as i am not gonna pay heed to anything:

1. floating mats sighted in mosque. hmm.. illusion or truth?? anyway, does it really take a floating mat to convince ppl to go pray??

2. i think i'm growing fond of rover.. he's the sweet little puppy in the pound..sadly,i cannot take him home.

3. bauhinia kockianna. can't help but to notice them everywhere, especially in full bloom. am liking it.

4. hairstyling.. gosh, how come i can never blow my hair the way my hairdresser do?? btw, i'm spotting a fringe. haha. first in ages.

5. durians.. omg, i think i'm addicted. have been having them for the past 3 weekends. let's just hope that i don't get OD-ed and end up in bed.

6. don't like the new bodybalance release 45. especially the tai chi.

7. why do ppl look for love, and get themselves into trouble??

8. fireflies excursion this saturday.. hehe. another opportunity to take plenty of pictures.

9. someone is calling me little boss and chief.. argh!!!

10. crazy weather, crazy traffic, crazy people, crazy work.. any idea how am i to keep sane??

ok, that's 10 random thoughts in my head for now..

ciao

banana pie from McD.. am missing it!!