A day in history

Well, if there's anything, yesterday was worth remembering as one of the 'significant' days of my life...
reason: i finally completed a bodyattack class.
after being reluctant to enter a bodyattack class after 3 years in the gym, i finally gave it a go (and endured towards the end).
part of my motivation was the simple reason that i'm leaving soon, and probably should just give it a try (another was due to the music)
luckily, there were loads of friends there, and they were all very happy to see me there.. well, at least they finally saw me doing it.
however, i would not say that i enjoyed it, and probably this is my one and only bodyattack class (or probably i should just do one every quarter, to live the music).. haha

btw, all the pushing in the gym (loading up in pump, adding level on step) is finally getting into me. i can hardly feel my legs anymore (except for the sore). probably it's a good thing (at least i know that i've been there, done that).. for who knows what will one horrible month in KL will do to me (in any case, i'm hoping that i'll slim down then).. hehe.
but all the pushing has its price to pay too.. i'm finally feeling the fatigue and lethargy..and it had affected my bodybalance. in fact, i finally faltered and made a mistake last night in bodybalance.. well, at least i know it'll be different once i am back..

a few months back, i was actually planning to leave and abandon the live here for something else. a retreat, for a couple of days. just to leave the hustle and bustle, and return fresh and anew.. however, with my trip down to KL now, i am somehow getting the cold feet.. in fact, i think it's separation anxiety. i guess all this stems from a certain sense of belonging within my clique.. something which is not good for me.. perhaps, this will be the cause of my downfall...

am trying to gain strength and inspirations from the people around me, and guess what.. i finally found the ultimate model.. Wilhemenia Slater, from Ugly Betty. she's strong, she's willy, and she's trying her best not to let emotions get into her way, not especially in life.. even when she's fallen, she doesn't give up.. besides, she's got great fashion sense.. oh, Willy Slater, u are the one..

ok, enough of my ranting
ciao

Musings

Another round of musings at the beginning of the week.. more like reflections, but i love the word musings.. hehe.

so, i'm leaving at the end of this week. i'll be gone from my comfort zone for a month. being in a place whereby i know no one, and learning new things again. probably this is a bleesing in disguise.. it'll make me stronger, better, and more prepared to move on from the current situation. i wouldn't say that i'll miss the people around me, but sometimes, i think things will be better off without me..

a few things managed to tickle my funny bone over the past week.. firstly, i seem to have the knack to become 'pregnant'. little did i realise, i first assumed the position of a 'pregnant' bodybalance instructor during the training. and now, there's actually 'demand' for me to become preggers.. haha. but sorry folks, 'm a dude, so no chance (even if i was a chick, no chance)

next, a visit to the doctors to get my medical clearance turned out to be quite funny. apart from the long list of medical things that my doctor has to examine, he also has to clarify my mental health.. what i found funny was he actually asked me what was my response to 'depression, attempted suicide, or other psychological symptoms'.. seriously, do i tell the truth?? hahaha. of course not (btw, i'm cleared for the training.. hehe).

again, ppl seem to think that i wear my heart on my sleeve. people seem to think that they can read my emotions and reactions.. sometimes yes, sometimes, not really. there are times when i let loose, but there are times when i put on a mask.. so, how can you say that my emotions can be seen through easily?? hahahahaha. such joke.

for once, a certain change on saturday activity.. instead of clubbing, coffee sessions or movies, spent the nite in g-spot.. with the live jazz band and the singers, it was actually quite fun.. heck, even hit the dance floor for a while..
however, my two left feet got the better part of me.. hahahhahahaha.

i need an explaination to a certain heavy feeling on my chest. it feel as if i'm suffocating or drowning, with a heavy boulder placed across my chest.. and no, it doesn't happen when i'm asleep (sleep induced paralysis). it happens when i am fully awake.. wonder what scientific explaination is that.. hmm???

some comments i've heard over the past few days:
1. You are losing ur humanity (to me).. haha
2. You are such a diva
3. I'm such a bimbo (from myself to me)
4. You are such a whore (from myself to me)

ok, enough of my ramblings, musings, whatever nots.. hehehe

ciao

Weekend blast...

finally, i can heave a hugh sigh of relief...the latest launch for lesmills is over. it was amazing, with loads of surprise, but really really exhausting. in fact, i am seated in the office now with slight lower back pain.. but after all the adrenaline and euphoria, i wonder.. is it really worth it??

for a quick recap, i had many 'first time's over the past weekend. not sure what has gotten into me, but i guess it just fell into place, all at once.

firstly, i actually shed tears (not just one or two). my cheecks were actually wet, in the cinema!! what the heck, you wonder... but yea. it actually happened during 'Marley and Me'. towards the end, i actually had tears streaming down my cheeks.. both sides. that actually shocked me, for i hardly shed tears for movies (in fact, i hardly shed a tear now for everything). even when i was at my lowest point, no tears..... but i guess the death of a dog can really move a person.

next, topless.. yes, to many boys and men, i guess it's a non-issue. but for a person whom was raised in a 'prim & proper' household, it actually took hell load of courage to reveal my skin in public. besides swimming, i haven't really paraded my body in public, and surely never for public viewing.. but i guess, for the sake of the tribe and passion... i have to... (it wasn't very comfortable for me, but i guess i'll just have to do it).

actually, the next 'first time' is something like a continuation from the previous one. to reveal thy body, it has to be clean.. and for it to be clean, it means: no hair!! so, it was the first time that i subjected myself to d.i.y. waxing.. and let me tell u this...waxing hurts like hell. it's not comfortable, the results vary, and it sure gave me hell of a time. my skin is rather sensitive, hence after waxing, it was red and blemished all over. not a good condition...again, for the sake of passion and the tribe...(i guess i can't complain).[btw, looking for sponsors for laser hair removal.. kindly contact me if interested]..

the other 'first time'..hmm, me, dressing up as a rock star. actually, it comes complete with the funked up hair and accessories. actually, i have never done up my hair in such fashion.. never.. and most importantly, i don't really 'do up' anything for a workout class... but yesterday, i defied my usual self, and actually went to the gym with hair standing on it's roots.. pretty cool, but pretty weird too.. haha.

lastly, the 'alternate' me surfaced for a while.. i am not sure what circumstances brought him back, but he certainly was.. thank goodness, he's back to where he belongs. hopefully he wouldn't be back anytime soon.. me not ready to face the consequences..

luv

blood test...

so, it is confirmed.. not only do i not have a heart, i don't have blood in my body also. apparently, when i went to the doctors for a blood test on saturday, the doctor had to withdraw blood from three different sites (both my forearms, and on the back of my palm. even so, there wasn't enough to fill in half a vial for testing (in fact, it only managed to fill 1/5 of the vial)..
so, the verdict: i'm not human.. haha

quickie (march)

well, if there's one thing that i am good in, is being a wallflower.. it's just so amazing to remain anonymous and blend into the surrounding.
ref: quarterly 1/09. after seeing all the pictures on fb, am so happy that there's no(90%) shots of me (yay!!). those are the benefits of being invisible.

am i that stubborn?? i guess i can be.. haha. a certain incident happened recently, and i thought i could outlive it.. but didn't know that it would slowly seep into my bones and affect me. i thought i was beyond that (thank goodness, i have got it off now by my own brand of catharsis).

The Greatest Challenge

I finally realised what is the greatest challenge i have to face in the coming months: I have to save up and stop spending.

It finally struck me when I went to Prangin Mall for lunch, and was so tempted to get some clothes..However, I had to walk away, and it wasn't easy for me to do that..

I guess time and patience granted on me will give me greater boon in the near future.

quarterly 1/09

so, last sunday was hell of a day for me, as i had a 'whirlwind tour' of KL to attend the super workshop for 2009. flying in and out of KL is amazing, but probably the timing is just too long, for i took the first flight in and the last flight out.

quarterly 1/09- amazing, crowded... and i guess that's all i felt for the day. however, i really enjoyed doing bodyvive, and am so inspired by tracy. she's simply amazing as an instructor/presenter.. wow. and of course, seeing riyo on the stage for balance..so cute!! but i guess ben doesn't really belong there.. as for jam.. same old, same old..arnold and fetty. this is the second time i'm seeing them, fun..yes. amazed..probably not. however, am really delighted to know that they brought back 'diva-ness' into the jive track. it's simply beautiful..(not too keen on the songs, though).

aquaria klcc- apart from attending the workshop, also spent some time in aquaria klcc. first time there, and am quite impressed with the collection. however, some of the labels are just not accurate and doesn't provide much information. things that are worth mentioning including the pygmy marmoset (such adorable creatures), those huge arapaimas, large nurse sharks, black-tip reef sharks and leopard shark. am also impressed with the skates and rays collection, but would be even more amazed had they managed to get a manta ray. am a little disappointed with the snakes, amphibians and turtle collection. they only had chelonia and erytmochelys.. hmm..
oo.. did see some nautili.. am so facinated by these creatures.. really hope to see them in the wild.

speaking of wild, i just can't help but to feel like i want to return to the wild. going back into the sea... or headed into some jungles or forest. in fact, i plan to take 2 days off in may, and find some secluded spot for my retreat. am toying with a few ideas like camping, bungalow stay, or probably staying in a hotel somewhere. i wouldn't mind camping on monkey beach once again... hahah. or probably head to south view of a bungalow stay (alone!! with friends from spiritual world.. haha) or probably just head over to bellevue for a night.

apparently (according to my bestie), i don't handle situations well and would want to escape from it all, but becoming anti-social, retreating into my little world, and turning hostile.. according to her, i've done this several times, and am doing it again..wonder if she's right??

was reading a certain blog just now, and just realised how personalities can differ so much virtually and in reality. was surprised, and confused..btw, am also suffering from a bout of confusion and attention deficit disorder, as i am fatigued inside out, and it's apparent on my face. wonder how am i gonna survive until after work??

ok, signing off to the real world again.

ciao
ben

for those searching for heroes, look within thyself first!!!(inspired from the song from bodyattack)

Typically random!!

A provoking thought i happen to come across last sunday, when i was up on Penang Hill:

' Ben, you are very ignorant and heartless'

guess i'm happy and proud to wear that tag around now!!

Woohoo!! Ignorant and Heartless!!!

no me ames...

i think i may have used the title above, but what the heck.. it clearly describes what i'm thinking, and also what i want. ok, apart from the obvious reasons that it's a song by JLo and Marc Anthony, the lyrics are so meaningful, and beautiful..

to all lovebirds out there, happy valentine's day.. but seriously, do you really have to show your love on only this day?? to me, if a person really loves somebody, then everyday is valentine's! feb 14th is just a pathetic reason for florist, candy shop and what-nots to boost their sales...

amazingly, i've never really given any thoughts for this day, until last night, when i was about to sleep. actually, i see this day as a 'day for decisions'. well, if you've been an avid reader of this blog, or you know me, then you would have known that i've sworn off love and whatever that's related to it. however, i had this thought that if i managed to engage someone for dinner, then probably i would allow myself to take a chance at this thing called love.. probably it's a blessing, i don't know, but the dinner didn't happen.. and know i am sure of what i want. I want to be remain where i am today, never to budge from my determination anymore. I've finally resolved to close my heart and soul to whatever that's called love.. call me crazy or silly, but i honestly belive this is what the powers that be would want. haha.

so, even though i may like, adore or feel comfortable around people, there is no way that i am going to fall in love, or engage in a relationship with them. and all i ask for in return is..no me ames

wow.. that much for an emotional outburst. in fact, deep down, i think i'm reduced to tears.. but then, you will never see it wet my cheeks. haha. but then, i seem to be a little uptight emotionally... almost bursting to tears watching 'ghost whisperer season 4', or even listening to JLo making a tribute to Selena.. gosh, what have gotten into me..

ciao

birthdays?

15 days had passed, and it's the end of the chinese new year celebration. For me, it's not exactly a grand do, but it's also not exactly a new year that i can forget. Compared to the person that i was many years ago, i've toned down by leaps and bounds. in fact, i do not look forward for chinese new year as much now.. [heck, i look forwards to nothing now].

apart from celebrating the end of the new year (which was nothing), we also celebrated alan's birthday last night. it was such wonder to see the surprise on his face, and seeing him so happy on the night itself. the dinner, the presents and presence (quote unquote from the b'day boy) and the two lovely cakes. being able to celebrate with him also generated another thought of mine... that i should avoid doing anything this year. in fact, i should just run away, take a vacation, go somewhere and avoid all these.. i should have severed all connections, turn off my phone and the internet and all, and go MIA for the day (or two).

today seemed a little weird for me, as i'm bowled over by a flurry of emotions. probably it's just me being me, but i somehow can't explain what i am feeling now. earlier, about noon, i was so happy, jumping on my chair, rejoicing on the fact that my ticket to hong kong has been booked. the euphoria was so much that i even agreed for a bangkok trip soon..

however, i think it died down a moment ago, and got me thinking and relooking my thoughts. why am i so happy?? should i be so happy?? and what is wrong with me??
even the very fact that my boss just informed me that he'll revise my pay (doubling the increment), i still couldn't share the happiness. heck, something must be really wrong with me...

anyway, i guess that's all for now. btw, go watch red cliff 2, if u love ancient china history. it's really really nice, and takeshi kaneshiro is simply awesome in it.. superb effects too, and great closure to the first part.

adieu
ben