scrooge

watching x'mas carol reminded me quite a number of things. i can't say if they are right choices, but then, there are things to be learnt.
1. firstly, why do we celebrate x'mas? isn't it like another day to rob us?
2. why peace on earth and goodwill on men, when there is no peace in the heart of the person wishing so.
3. i realised that scrooge in disney's version is so so so mild, and so toned down. if only we had a darker version of scrooge.
4. and speaking of which, i guess he's my latest idol, then. cold, dry and sad (at least before the visitations)

had a convenient conversation with someone recently, and it seems like she'd just believe what i would say. is it really that in my face? am i that trust-worthy? or trust-able? i don't wanna be.

another conversation with another person made me realise that we are wanting the same thing.. that is to hope that someone is actually dreaming about our lifes, and just wake up. it is unbearable, and if only this is all just a dream..

i wish i could turn back time, to 3 years ago, when i first stepped through that door. i wished i could stop myself from entering, and sparing myself from all these. who would have thought, that the road leading down till now is filled with traps and thorns...

isn't it amazing that the one most peaceful place on earth, would be the office on a public holiday. i am getting the angina now.. hopefully will further the stimulation, to let it all out.

miracles, romances, passions, and wishful thinking... i think i should banish all this into the bin from now on. i know that it'll never happen, so why am i lingering?

ok, back to work now

ciao

scrooge

the drama, the conflict, the climax.. it is all over. it's finally peace :)

random thought:
1. i somewhat resemble ebenezer scrooge.. and we have ben in our name.. haha

2. malicious, conniving and manipulative. that's my dark side

3. i'm on a laughing streak..haha

ciao

update 2341 hrs

i am not a kind person. in fact, i can be quite evil and malicious. so what!! there's nothing wrong with being the bitch.

some enlightenment. probably i should have just listened to my heart, pay heed to the letter, and quit everything. that way, it will be tabula rasa all over again.

Nilla-paduma

as i type this, i'm letting another course of vodka take its effect in my system. this time, it's neat, so i guess it'll be faster, and stronger.

another week has come and gone. ever so fast, it'll be december. time for the holidays.. time where ppl be cheerful and merry. but i'm guessing this is not the time for me.. never was, never is, and probably never will be. i just hope i have more time, than to write articles, to enrol for my studies and head back to the university.

went for a walkabout in the rain this morning, as i was doing a photo assignment at the clan jetties. a lot of random thoughts came to my mind. one of which happens to be that i don't really like being out of my comfort zone. i live by a certain set of rules, and that have guided me for a long time. but sometimes, change is just inevitable.

instead of going for the movies tonight, decided to stay in. i still wanna watch Astro Boy and Christmas Carol (in 3D!!!)hopefully i can catch all of those before new moon.. another hot hot movie. i guess it's time to go back to the dreamgirls period, as i enter another phase of development.

i've just had another 'heart to heart' talk, with a somewhat inconvenient source. somehow it doesn't seem proper and right, but i guessed i've done the damage. was asked to rank a few ppl in my life.. honestly, there are no rankings. i care for all.. especially to those that i have once held dear..

mid-week, i've realised 'nilla-paduma'. the blue lotus. no matter how murky the water is, the filth in the swamp, the lotus will always emerge, unharmed, beautiful, clean and pure. this is closely relevant... and with blue, it's a target for me to gain better 'idhi'.. i used to have some, and was subsequently clouded. hopefully, one day, i've cultivated enough idhi and prana, and i shall be free...

ok, time to retreat to my bed as the vodka is taking its effect.

btw, it's still not bringing any tears.. and this time, not even the saddest movie clip featuring dogs could make me cry anymore.. probably will need help soon.. hehe

ciao

Reporting error 305

looking back, i think there is a need for me to attend english classes again. I just couldn't believe it. glaring error on the very first sentence. probably, this is just how my brain functions.. full of error, and yet, will commit to it.

again, i noticed something new. probably it isn't new. just that i did not see it earlier. in a way, i am sick and tired of this game. but i guess there is no harm in learning, or is it so? for me to keep on learning? is this what it takes?

i believe, there is a point in time, where things will change. the tipping point. but how soon is it? how close is it? we are slowly coming towards the end of the year. this is the time, where either joy or sorrow will take charge, and players will be dealt with the emotional card. am i strong enough to withstand it? will history repeat itself?

i know i am stubborn. in fact, i can be quite the bull.. but why am i keeping onto it? why is it so important? i should have let them fade away, and made peace with it. but why does it linger? always reinforcing itself in ways so vile? i guess alcohol is my only remedy now..

i dreamt a dream. blissful as it may be, reality always beg to differ. i guess the dream shall come to pass, and let it remain as that, forever.

my gastric pangs are back. am trying to control it. will do my best. but there is another part of me which is eager to take control and do more harm.. to whom should i listen to? me or myself?

ciao

Paradox

it has been a week since i last posted something here. however, not much have been changed in the past week. work is still crazy, and in fact, have gotten so hectic that i finally have homework. i actually brought back materials to write 2 articles over the weekend. however, a day and night have paseed, and i have yet to write a single word for my article. probably i'm just a little too tired and exhausted to work my brain. some may think that i just came back from a holiday and should be all charged up to perform, but i guess they don't know the stories/drama/action behind the holidays.

being expressive. being dramatic. being brash and outspoken. but that doesn't mean that i come from drama school, does it? in these couple of weeks, i've been mistaken for about 3 times that i come from drama school, or have performing arts as my background. now, am i supposed to be flattered or offended? i dunno.

somehow, spilling my thoughts and emotions to ppl closest to me is starting to have its reflex action. i am now starting to feel insecure again. starting to worry about views, judgements and words. however, i can't seem to control myself and keep on blabbering... even spilling out previous demons in the closet such as my many suicide attempts over the years.. sorry, i don't mean to shock you, but trust me.. i survived about 4 or 5, and many more of those thoughts.

was recently reminded by a friend the reason i wear a ring on my left first finger. thank you so much before i become another person that is dangerous. will stick on with the ring, and am not sure when it will come off. probably when the time is right... someday.

just a hypothetical situation: you are eating a nice plate of pot roast, and you are nearly full. the meat was succulent and tender, and everything was just right. somehow or other, suddenly, you are being served a plate of meatballs spaghetti. what would you do? do you reject it? or do you eat it up? what if the spaghetti is really really delicious? but will the cheese make you sick? i dunno.. pray tell.

life is such a paradox. sometimes, i do wonder how i get along with it..

i have seen, learnt and understand. it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't real and true. and now that i have seen it. it's time to just....walk away, or can i?

am gaga-fied. and after finding out the meaning behind the song of bad romance, it resonates so badly with me.. and i am really loving it. i do wonder, though.. where did gaga get her dresses. weird, quirky and yet so amazing. she's an inspiration.

think i'll cut down on some drinking now. should really pay attention to my health and also my resources. don't think my digestive system can take that much alcohol, and not when i have bad gastric history (back in the past week again)..hmm

signing off now

pandemonium

pandemonium - that's the time when all hell breaks loose. that is the time, when things get so out of control that there is nothing that can be done to rectify or manage the situation.

this is exactly what i am feeling now. or at least what i felt for the past few days (cos as of now,i am feeling tipsy already).

so, it seems that i have unleashed hell, and the greatest stone in my heart. i have set for and said things that i am and wasn't supposed to say. i have told certain people secrets so dark that they wouldn't want to even be associated with me from now on.. but i guess the damage is done.

being somewhat a listener, writer and thinker, it never really occur to me that i have the gift of eloquence to tell people so many other things. i have also struck down certain obstacles so strong, and am airing my dirty laundry in the general public.
thank goodness to my two besties tonight, for willing to take up my offer for a drink, and some partying. seems like it is not easy being us, and it will surely be harder being me..

so, according to besties, time to let it go. start anew, and i could easily do that if i learn how to let go, and work my assests. i also realised that previous encounters were generally shoved aside due to certain reservations in me.. now, it is time to ditch them all away, and finally start with something new.

i guess this is the last time i am going clubbing in a while. not only is it emotional and physically damaging, it also ruins my wallet by burning a huge hole inside it. however, won't mind for another round of drinks..:)

am signing off now to catch up on my soberiety

ciao

251: wednesday nite

two weeks have passed since i taught the light. tonight, it is a different feeling altogether. i don't really know how to describe it, but it's just not what i used to feel.. if only i know.

seeing the pictures that have been placed up online, i dunno what to say. normally, i feel very happy to look at the vacation pictures, and am looking forward for a next time...but somehow, this time, it is different. again i don't wish to describe it any further, but i guessed i've learnt my lesson well. guess this is a very expensive lesson, and i should learn to understand and remember it by heart, forever.

how things have changed to the ppl around me. how understandings have been brought to a new level, and how ignorance, is finally bliss.

i've bared my soul, now i need to recover. and i hope it can be done soon, before i lose my sanity.

the fire is slowly dying off... too soon.

what's the point of having the stongest heart, in a body that is falling apart.. but what is the use then, of having a weakening body, and a even weaker heart?

moonlight resonance

do you think that you will ever know me? do you think u understand,and think that it is what i want? do u understand? probably not.. but i don't think it is necessary to let you know anymore..

i guess i shouldn't have asked. in that way, i wouldn't have found out, and probably still live in my own little sad pathetic bubble. probably like the moonlight, i can forever shine, admired, and still be lonely..isn't it beautiful. isn't perfect.. how nature has set the signs for it to happen..

seems like today, i finally made history.. for once, i guess the barriers built within me were all destroyed, and i finally made the greatest confession, to someone i am really close.. it did provide a short sense of relieve, but it is not a long term solution.

i need a drink.. in fact, i think i need a whole bottle!!!

halloween closure

as i write this post, i am still at the point of gaining my soberiety. not that i was completely drunk from last night, but there is still some traces of the things that had happen to me, that keeps on lingering around.

what started out as a halloween party eventually turned out to be more than what i have asked for. an innocent night out with pals, some drinking.. eventually turned into a greater deal of drinking and a whole host of other games that ppl play. that's also the point when i realise that it is enough, and there is no point kidding myself anymore.

it takes a great deal to come to terms with ourselves. not easy, and at times, full of doubts and confusion. i am still learning,and will continue learning until it's over.

what's the point of having a heart, when there is no one there to love???

i never really see myself as a dancer. in fact, i'm pretty convinced that i have two left feet. however, it had seem that 2 times in the clubs have proven me wrong. is it true? or am i just generating illusions to kid myself (again). what is that, that ppl see? that i don't realise?

i think i may be slowly turning into an alcoholic. not something that i'm proud off, but i think i really need it to help me get through things. even if it doesn't really help, at least it'll leave me sleeping throughout the day.

but then, there is also another point that i don't comprehend. alcohol tears down inhibitions. but why couldn't it restore the tears that i so want to shed. i tried to cry, but it still didn't work.. if only it could, i think i may feel a little better..

i need strength to shoulder on... need to find it from within.

am worried about phoenix. everytime it surfaces, it brings along with it a whole trail of destruction, and i have to pick up from its ashes the day after.. not sure what the phoenix may do in the future..

ciao