So much has been said about love. The wonderful feeling, the magic, etc etc. But do we really know what is love? What is that emotion that hit you when you see someone attractive? Is it love or lust? Is it infatuation? or is that going to be the love of your life? I can honestly say that no one is certain on what is love, and how it is supposed to feel. But one thing for sure is that, when the love has ended, the misery and pain is just going to be very, very hard to bear. Believing is one thing, trusting is another, and finally, experiencing is the last part of it.

Never did cross my mind that I will be writing back here again so soon. It was after reading several blogs (prompted by a close friend)that I suddenly felt the urge to put down some thoughts onto this digital space. I came across something poignant, the developments of friendship and relationship. This was after reading the blog of a close bud, and his lovely partner. Sure, there's been a lot of ups and downs, but that didn't stop them. There is love going on, and I personally witnessed the love. It did get me thinking lots, and somehow, one thought came into mind. I am tired. Tired to be the shining beacon for everyone. Tired of being there for friends, people, colleagues, affiliates, workers, and everyone else. Also, I am tired of becoming the shoulder for everyone else. I realised that I was the shoulder for many other people, both guys and gals. But at the end of the day, I am alone, lost without a shoulder of my own. No one to give me comforting words, no one to wrap its arms around me assuring that everything will be ok. I am normally self reliant and independent enough to pull myself through the day, but I guess it doesn't hurt once a while to show that I am also weak. Having explored the same blog, I can't help but to feel a little guilty, and am wondering if I did the right thing. Although not directly linked to a situation, I am, however, partly responsible for the falling out of a particular friendship. I don't know if I made the right choice by giving advice, or saying the right thing.. but I certainly didn't mean to destroy certain friendships. Can't help but to feel it's me... On another note, finally got rid of some old 'baggage'. These people are no longer important, and holds no effect to my life anymore. Besides, I don't think they will ever have the same thoughts about me when they decided to end what we had.. Life goes on. Probably it's apt to say thank you, one last time, as one of the person that I removed used to read this blog. But then, I must also say that it is good riddance. Your present fame may take you far, but remember, those who burn the brightest also burn the fastest. One day, when all is dead and gone, and when the dust had settle, you will come to realise the worth of genuine friendship without expectations. But then, telling you this is also like pouring water onto a duck's back. It will never stay. Over a conversation with my bestie, I guess I finally said it. I will only love again when a person sings the dolphin song, when the moon turns red, and when the river Jordan parts for the second time. Hahaha. When commented that I am fussy, I guess I am just impossible. When I don't workout, I feel fat, lazy and useless. When I workout, I feel fat, useless and tired. <- that's my QOTD. I guess I can never overcome that self-loathing, self-hating part of me. I will never come to terms with my body, and I guess it is working to my advantage as other people also cannot come to terms with my body. haha. Random musing: when is a good time to leave all worldly desires behind, and lead a spiritual life. I was thinking of this last night, and wondered if I should just give up everything and move to a monastery now, or shall I wait until I finish my PhD, and then end it all then... Still thinking. I once mused on the story that I would like to tell... probably now that I've come so far, I'd rather that there are no stories being told, and me existence just be erased, without a trace. Until the next time (and I can't tell when) Ciao [Q]

After the storm..

This may probably be a last entry, as a tribute to a friend. After a long time, she still asked me about my blog, and is still trying to push me to write something new. Well, this is for you dearie, and we need to do lunch soon. I just realised that it's been more than a year since I last wrote anything here. Not that the year did past easily, but I just did not have the drive to continue writing. There were ups and there were downs. But I felt it was easier to just pass it through the night, instead of penning down (in this case, typing down) my thoughts. As usual, my thoughts are random, fickle, all over the place, and never seem the same as they pass. Before I can bring myself to this new post, I had to read the past. Boy, I was dark... a little too dark, emotionally. Not that things are any better now, but the darkness is so intense that it is hard to even see any light. Having said that, I did see the light towards the start of this year. But sadly, this light had to be put off as it was burning my hand. It is now back to the same darkness, and it will probably be that way for a long time to come. I've lost that magical feeling, and I don't think things will ever come my way again. Notable changes to this year was that I actually had a birthday cake for my birthday. After a lapse of so many years, I finally had a birthday cake. And it was a huge one to boot. Although the theme for the cake now is passe, I am thankful for the guys for pulling it together. Nevertheless, it was a heartbreaking birthday too. It was the very occasion that I had to resolve and call it quits. It put an end to a connection that was dragging me down into the drains. Thank you for those magical evenings, those wonderful moments. Thank you for the times when we did nothing, but just to idle, and listen to each other. I guess I can say that never will I ever experience someone serenading me ever again, while watching dolphins near the coast of Penang. Lastly thank you for also showing me what it takes to be a person, and a better person that is able to let go. You need to grow up, and I need to take leave. Reading previous posts, I thought I may be able to refocus energy back towards the family. But now that the family is officially broken and torn apart, there is no more need to do that. Good riddance, probably, but I'll make it through. I seal the moment, and have thrown away the key. I will not look back anymore. Ciao Ben

520

this post was supposed to be written last night, but i was so tired after the journey back from KL that i couldn't bring myself to compose my thoughts here. the 4 hour ride from KL back to Penang is no good. i spent most of the time staring off the window, looking into space. i conjured enough images in my head to put me back in my place. i brought out the demons and the monsters, to reaffirm that i am just but another monster. i realised that no matter how much i try to reinvent myself, i try to break free, i try to take chances, i am still very much stuck with the monster that i am now. my only solace would be music, but i do wonder.. what is my limit? when will i finally crack and shatter? the fool. in the tarot, the fool is the first card of the major arcana. he can be seen walking near a cliff, never stopping to ponder. he believes in his faith, and will go wherever his path takes him. however, one false look, and the fool will fall. similarly, i was dealt this card over the weekend. i was the fool. furthermore, i took the leap, and i fell. into the abyss of darkness, i did fall. i do wonder why am i so foolish.. but that is what you get when the heart overtakes the mind. again, i lost my rational thought, and done something that i am not proud of.. my saving grace.. i can still walk out from the flames of hell, unscathed. probably this time, i may have burnt a little off my skin, but i am still unharmed. i am still pure. the tears of my misery is still able to put off the fires of hell, and of desire and passion. probably i will forever keep this memory, never wanting it to fade.. but i know.. i survived hell. some random thoughts. man are selfish. it is born within them so that they can survive in this world. random thought 2: what on earth are those people wearing? come on! it is a freaking workout! not a fashion runway. such pretentious people. probably this is the reason why i am very much comfortable with my hometown rather than being in such a pretentious city. random thought 3: i should have reaffirmed my faith and discipline of not finding my own happiness, unless all the others around me are happy. lost. broken ben last random thought: i wonder what would be the stories told, when i pass on? many people know me.. but not everyone knows every single part of me. in fact, no one knows every single part of me.. what will i be? how will i be remembered?

birthday 2012

this post may come as a little surprise, as instead of me doing a recap of my year before my birthday, i am only doing it now. not that i am trying to break free from traditions or anything, but i just wanted to do something different, and also allowing myself some space to see things in a different light. rather than expecting anything, i just let things flow. i am not surprised by the lack of activity or events. in fact, i was hoping for none, for i have so much resentment and loathing inside, it is indescribable. probably it is for the better. at the very least, it was better than the one last year. i learnt one thing, just not to expect anything any more. whatever that i am able to dream and imagine, i know it will not come true. so, it is better not to expect. i have also learnt how not to waste my time and effort any further. at least onto certain things, it is just not worth it. you may think that you want to salvage a situation, make it better? or probably trying to be a bigger person. but somehow, it is just not worth it. i have played my part, but it certainly takes two to tango. i am done with it. scent. never know that i am able to put on something that reminds me of pain, disappointment, frustration, regret and anger. heck, at least it works for me, and i am able to tune into my dark side easily. one thing that remained constant this year... the lack of cake. haha! fantastic, isn't it? at least i don't have to waste a freaking minute seated there wondering when these ppl are gonna stop singing, and just move on. and besides, no cake = no wishes = no disappointment. i am not surprised with myself, when i know that this wish is the darkest amongst the many that i have..

exhausted

sometimes, i do hope that people can see me beyond what i am today. if only they can see the heart, and know that it is also weak, frail, and hurt. if only people did take some time to understand and learn, probably things may be better off for most of us..

somehow, i feel like i am spiralling out of control. how fast or slow, i don't know. but i know that i am slowly crashing. i don't know when i will hit rock bottom, but this downward fall is bad enough already. previously, i may have some sort of cushion, or some backup to fall upon. but if i know, shall i fall today, i am on my own, and there is no one around me to help pull me back up.

another day, and it is the 19th of april. one complete year. time flies. the good times came and passed. the only thing to do now is to move on, and not let it affect me anymore. parasite.

no matter how i try to make things work, it seems like there is no mending of a broken patch. everything is either falling apart or just beyond my control. i have given my every effort. sometimes, i am just too tired.

tired. exhausted. sick

me

i saw..

i saw the posts, i saw the songs..
i also saw you coming in, and leaving..
i guess i may not be as dumb to not figure out what is happening.
nevertheless, i do hope for it to end, so that you will be happy again.
however, i guess you will never see me.. :)

cheers
ben

it will rain

turns out that the dry spell is here to stay. just when i was hoping for some rain, or at least a drizzle, the powers that be decided that it shouldn't happen. this dry spell has been going on for far too long. when will it all end? or will it ever end?
am i to live continuously suffering the long heat of summer?
or will i finally get to taste the sweet rain on my tongue?

injection or rejection, they used to ask. i used to fear both. now, i guess i shall make peace with both. sometimes, things are just not meant to be. just like how i decided that one seed shouldn't bloom, another tree will also decide not to blow it seeds my way.

come to think of it, i shouldn't be unhappy. yes. age is slowly catching up on me. in fact, i am slowly starting to become a joke myself. but at least, i should be proud of who i am. but then, is that the case?

why is it that hard to believe that i am introverted? is it that hard to see from my personality? i am also socially awkward. and i guess that is not helping for whatever that i want to achieve.

two heartbreaks in 3 days. i can manage that. i hope.

i just wish that it will rain

wtf (s)

just when i thought that i've managed to get you out of my life, you tend to emerge from the most unexpected places. seriously. wtf! wtf! i am not supposed to see you there. wtf!
and i hate it even more because you gave me butterflies in my tummy. seriously, wtf. urgh..

It's been..

Two months and a fortnight. that's how long since i last written something here. Again, the same problems manifest itself. Not that i don't want to write, but sometimes, i just can't compose the random thoughts in my head to put it into proper words. as much as people like to think that taureans are grounded and stable, i can be quite fickle at times. my brain is constantly on hyperactive mode, and the thought process never stops. hence at times, i wish for nothing more than a pause in life.

A complete disaster. the end of the year, and the start of the year has been a complete disaster when it comes to friendship. little did i know, i lost my support, my wingman, and allies and my listeners. in a split moment, everything came crashing down, not unlike jericho. probably, i am jericho. i am the trouble in the core, and hence, when i finally sound, the walls (or friends) will just come crashing and break away. never expected this to happen, and worst still, i don't know what is the cause. hurt, yes. betrayed, yes. deranged, no. forgiven, no. forgotten, not yet. but what i do know is i will learn from this episode, and trust no one anymore. how stupid can i be, when everytime i trust someone, or a few people, these people bail on me and fail me.

A seclusion. being isolated and secluded is probably best for me. it makes me reevaluate my priorities, and to know who my friends, and people who pretends to be my friends are. i have seen enough, heard enough and read enough to know the truth. i don't need an explanation, and probably, i will never find peace ever again. thank you all for being my support group for 2 years plus? but i guess the end is inevitable.

A dream. in fact, many dreams.. i dream that i can move on to greater heights. i dream that i found what i wanted, and the people that i want to be with. i dream that i am someone different. and yes, like nelly's song, it is just a dream. reality sucks. when i looked onto the shadow while i was walking down the ally, i couldn't recognise the man behind it. i don't know the shadow anymore, and it is like a dream, or a forced reality.

Rude and annoying. is it too much to ask for being mature, for being courteous, and yes, for being more polite? not to say that i don't cuss, but i do find it uncomfortable with the random use of profanities. my upbringing didn't teach me to have such a uncouth mouth or such impolite behaviour. whatever happened to social etiquettes? whatever happened to the gentleman..

i plan to lay lo for a while again, and let times fly by

ciao