how come?

sometimes, do you find yourself wondering how come certain things happen, and how come certain things are not happening? i do find myself wondering about that too. i also wonder, how come ppl tend to perceive things in an askewed way. is it easier to think that way, then to rest in innocence??

and then, it also makes you wonder why. why is it easier this way than that way.. why did it happen/not happen, and what is the cause. if the cause was tackled and managed, will it happen? and why are there so many other different things that wants/tend to relate to the main event?? couldn't it be just a clean clear thing?

i wonder.

moving on, finally got my hands on another superb album by celine. not that it's new, but i dare say, it was one of her best english albums. 'a new day has come' was certainly the best comeback for an artiste. and the songs are just so great. so inspirational.. so celine. thanks to alan for passing the digital copy to me..

anyway, i realised that there were many loopholes in the previous blog, as the weekend seemed kinda fun (a little different from my routine). finally, traced my roots back to the tao, and went to did something chinese puritans would do.. i went to hit the 'little man'. haha. it was funny, but i think the psychological impact that came with it was quite good, as it felt as if some burden have been lifted from my shoulder. then, i went to asked the kuan yin oracle with the oracle sticks. it was a nerve-wrecking experience, as i had no idea when the stick would come out, if my shaking method was right or wrong, or what would the stick say.. but at last, all was good.. one thing i've learnt, the chinese may not be freudians or pavlovians, but they sure had a great way to consult themselves, and empower their psyche throught the faith. it just hurts to see more and more urban chinese are abandoning their roots and optioning for another belief.. oh, what will the world turn into, but a mess of chaos. what we came from, eventually, we are returning to it.

i miss rover (didn't go to the shelter as i went to pray). have to get over it, as i'll be away for longer period of time soon.

trust your heart.

ciao

Ave Maria

It's been two tumultus week since i last posting anything on the site. There came a point when i wanted to leave it as it is, as a reminder to myself on the percieved opinion of me.. however, i think it's time to move on, and not let another person affect me anymore.

I guess i was lost in so many ways when the letter came. But i guess i was lucky that i had my angels to guide me through the darkness. they thought me how it was to be a better person, someone with more sense, the the knowledge that it is not worth throwing away everything that i have earned for myself for some folly. but then again, the letter also made me think.. if i'd been described to such an evil person, perhaps i should live up to the reputation.. hahaha

I found a new meaning to life to, when i actually took the time off to volunteer at the shelter. there, i met a new set of beings, of life, which treasures friends and company, and will love back at no cost. i guess those dogs that i have played with thought me a very beautiful lesson. and they are really beautiful in their own.. i wonder if i can ever face the fact that some of these lovely creatures will be put to sleep because of anthropogenic actions on them..

I gave myseld another chance, and caught 17again.. and boy, that movie has the greatest faux pas ever!! come on, hippogriffs were not in existence in 1989!! (same goes to harry potter)!! btw, those spock ears are really funny (i guess it's a tribute of sorts to the recent star trek movie). a certain person commented that it would give anything to be with zac efron.. seriously? i guess he's too busy making movies, being famous and a himbo that he'll barely have time to realise what love really is (btw, he's got v.hudgens)..anyway, i'll only give the movie rating 4/10. didn't really enjoy it.

Am now drowning myself with work, and may even try to apply to do my internship with ensearch..hopefully, i'll be selected, and off i go, two weeks to some other country, to learn about environment and what's not. it beats being in this place, going along with my routine.

also, am in the midst of researching a suitable topic to be submitted as a proposal to further my studies. i guess eventually, i'm more suited in the academy, whereby human contact is limited, and i can really pour myself over all those books, reports etc.

'Sometimes love can come and pass you by
While your busy making plans
Suddenly hit you and then you realize
It's out of your hands, baby you got to understand'

I picked this line up from beyonce's ave maria.. i do wonder..

'In your heart, can't you feel the glory?'

Another line telling me to stay strong.
lastly, from my celine:
'what do say to taking chances?'

i guess i should start to take my chances, rather than lying low and fade away. i shall pull myself from the shadow pits, and make myself stronger and brighter. I'll never know if there's hell beneath or a hand to hold, but at least i can say that i've tried.

ciao
'Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee'

Post-holiday blues

Probably i'm the only person to suffer from post-holiday blues, even into the second week of work. Somehow or other, i just couldn't pick up the energy, the momentum and the drive to really get back to work. everything in me feels so stagnant.. non-moving. and to think that chinese new year is just round the corner (another break of about 8 days).. am wondering where to get the inspiration to write the concept paper and proposal as assigned by boss (he kinda picked me for the task)..

Saturday was a blast, as i was fired with so much energy that i didn't feel tired, even working from 8.30 to 5, then continued with dinner, movie and hanging out in coffee bean until 1. probably that was the long awaited recharge that i needed.. but sadly, it only lasted for a day.. am so moodless that i'm not even sure if i could conduct class tomorrow night.

Went for an unexpected movie on saturday, with unexpected results. the movie, They Wait, was surprisingly good, for an unknown producer. although the timing for the release of such a movie is rather weird (it's a horror movie), the plot was quite okay. it was developed and fleshed out well, incorporating the customs and cultures of two different world. the only thing is that, WHY animate vampires to look like weird claw-like creatures??

ok, enough for the moment.. the lazy bug is still hanging onto me.. can't seem to get anything done.. haha

until the next post,
just wait!!

ben

p.s. Celine's latest compilation album is worth obtaining, as the extra songs are really really really nice!!

pour que tu m'aime encore

i was rewatching the 'New Day' concert of Celine's last night, and suddenly, this song struck me like lightning. Prior to belting out her famous french song, she did mention that this song's theme is on the things that we would do, what edges we would go, and many other things, just to be loved by a certain someone (again).. although i have sworn off loving and all, deep down, i think there is still a part that yearns for human affection. with the festivities creeping round the corner, i wish there's someone that i could really spend those moments with..
(actually, i did wish for that during graduation.. but sadly, i graduated alone)

am on a Celine emo session now.. playing all her songs, and relating to them just like that.. sometimes finding the strength in the songs, sometimes, truly feeling the sorrow of the song.. as i have mentioned before.. she's an inspiration, forever and always will be.

on her songs, had a really sudden emotional rush yesterday while watching/singing to 'my heart will go on'. it was the most emotive part, the strongest part, and i was surrounded by the emotion of sorrow that it drowned my voice completely, and welled tears in my eyes. and i'd also realise that 'my heart will go on' is the perfect wedding song, when the bride walks down the altar.. the haunting sounds of the flutes, and the lovely sounds from the violins. (sadly, i'm neither gonna get married, nor will i ever be a bride..haha). probably, i'll make my sister do it.. hehe.

anyway, the whole penang is down in KL for the weekend, so i guess i have more spare time than anything else.. so, i shall utilise the weekend to the fullest. floral fest, bodybalance, shopping, and most importantly, sleep...

ok, enough for now, as i drown myself in Celine's songs again

ciao
je t'aime
ben

eyes on me..

this video is a must watch. it's the thrid single from the album taking chances. although it has yet to reach our shores, just enjoy this performance first..now, i just can't wait for the mv.



i must say, the arrangement for this song during the concert was amazing...

celine dion concert..

ok, so i guess i weren't doing any justice considering that i didn't put up any pictures for the concert.. so, here goes. mind you, they were taken from afar, so pls forgive the poor quality..


here's the view of the stage, before it was dark. the sunset was so amazing that day that i couldn't resist taking a few more pix (for private collection)


you better keep your eyes on me...


first appearance on a malaysian stage..celine dion!! pity that i could only snap from the lcd screen, cos she's just too small for my view.


celine and her multi-talented violinist..for 'to love you more'.


ok, this was from the encore..remember me telling you how small she looked from my view. haha

even though the pictures may only capture that much, the memories from the concert is still fresh in my head. i dare say that it's one of the best..i only wished that the government was more lax, and perhaps we could see her performing in the golden dress..

the concert...part 2

some of you may have asked this: what were the songs that she sang last night??
well, just to let u guys know, she sang 22 songs, and it was divided into several sections. here's the complete song listing for the concert:

section 1: Rock
1. I Drove All Night
2. Power of Love
3. Taking Chances
4. It's All Coming Back To Me
5. Because You Love Me
6. To Love You More

section 2: Passion
prelude: New Mego's Flamenco
7. Eyes on Me
8. All By Myself

section 3: Fashionista
9. I'm Alive
10. Shadow of Love
11. I'm Your Angel (duet with Barney Valsaint)
12. Alone
13. Pour Que Tu M'aime Encore
14. Think Twice
15. My Love

section 4: Tribute to Queen
16. We Will Rock You
17. The Show Must Go On

section 5: Soul
prelude: I Feel Good (Barney Valsaint)
18. It's a Man's World
19. That's Just The Woman In Me
20. Love Can Move Mountains
21. River Deep, Mountain High

Encore:
My Heart Will Go On

there, that's the full listing for the night. there's a video screened prior to every section, and as usual, i loved the one she did for the fashionista section. it showed her in the best side, and as a very good role model too.
as for the songs, i am most comfortable also with the fashionista segment. but, i must add, i love all the songs that she sang. come on, she got the crowd on their feet for songs like We Will Rock You, and River Deep, Mountain High.
i'm amazed that 'the star' reported there no one sang along to her song. perhaps the reporter was deafen by the speakers.. i could assure you that almost the whole stadium was singing along to her songs. it was even more apparent during the encore, when the arrangement for My Heart Will Go On was changed a little.
and my favourite song for the whole night..........Eyes On Me!!! yes. the arrangement was perfect, the dance and dancers were perfect.. and her voice..ah. so beautiful

as a treat, and to share my happiness, here are two videos, by me..haha
mind you, those are my videos ya!!!

Alone. Specially dedicated to Alan, for loving this song so much. sorry if i missed the start!! i was too elated to record it properly. haha.


My Love. As with the one in South Korea when she first performed this single, she was on her knees. again, my apologies for missing the first part. i was elated

in case you guys really wanna see the full clips, just youtube it. there are plenty. but these two are recorded from me..haha

the concert...part 1

i seriously don't know where to start. probably by know, most of you would have heard from me that i am very very excited, very very happy, and will probably stay this way for the next few days. all the memories, and the moments of magic that she casted in that 2 hours.. it was priceless.

i have some photos, and a couple of videos, but i haven't got the chance to post it up here yet. i will try to get it done as soon as possible.

so, let's see. well, i reached there kinda late. bout 5.30. gates only opened at 6.30. apparently, some have been queueing since 1 (that's the second person in line). but i was lucky as the line grew longer and longer and longer. going in wasn't much hassle.. anyway, i guess the euphoria seeped into me earlier than thought as i already went on a shopping spree before going to the concert. the guards were kinda surprised that i had so many bags..but then again, it was all clothes (and my camera, in a ploy to sneak it in..just in case). but they didn't bother checking my bags. so, got through.

the moment we were in, we decided to look for seats. it was the upper deck that we initially settled upon. but i wasn't pleased, and i saw that the lower deck was rather empty. so, i kinda grumbled and fussed and finally found out that the lower deck was also available for me.. so, i hastened to get a good seat, with a good vantage point. i have to say, i was seated as close as those paying rm488, and my seat was elevated too..haha.

waited for time to pass.. some were seen eating, some were seen taking pictures, and some, like me, decided to catch up on the news. as time passed, fans were pouring in.. ppl are getting restless.. and i was wondering what she's doing backstage.. probably putting on her make up?? or eating her pasta?? or probably playing with her kid..haha. silly thoughts. then, at about 7.30, the fans were so bored that they decided to form the mexican wave thing....soon, everyone was enjoying the mexican wave thing (me included..although i have sat out like 4 out of 10).

finally, after all the waves, the chants, the cheers...royalty arrived. before that, i was also busy celeb watching. saw harith iskandar..and someone which resembles elaine daly. back to the story.. royalty arrived. i spotted tun mahatir the moment he stepped in. then the YDPA and his wive.. then, lights out, and the show started, at 8.50.

clips of her was shown on the screen.. featuring her in various camera shootings, some poses and the such.. then, the diva came on stage. her presence sent the crowd crazy. screams (shrieks, for my part)and cheers echoed the stadium as her voice filled the air. she started the show with i drove all night (not a new day)..and the show went on. after two songs, she addressed the crowd, starting with a terima kasih, and apa khabar...then she thanked the royals for gracing the event.. and also thanked the weather (and the moon)..haha. then, she launched into 'taking chances'..

the show went on for a couple of songs more when she took a break. we were then entertained by her dancers, performing the tango. the tango was perfect, breath-taking and alluring and apt for the next song..eyes on me. gosh...i loved that song to bits.. and the arrangement was changed to suit the theme..

a couple more songs, including the likes of to love you more, it's all coming back to me now/because you love me (medley), alone, pour que tu m'aimes encore, my love,i'm your angle, shadow of love etc. a couple of intervals...she finally went into the climax, with the tribute to queen. the fans (me included) were singing, dancing and tapping to all the songs..performed with full energy, even though you can see her suffering from the recent illness. the crowd went high with 'we will rock you', and stayed on the enjoy the ever-apt 'the show must go on'. we were then treated with a james brown song (i feel good), and an x'tina (it's a man's world), before resuming to her power hits.

the show ended with 'river deep, mountain high'. by that time, everyone in the crowd was so high. you can actually see her vocal cords moving, and clearly, she's putting her best to the performance. leaving after the song, the crowd chanted for an encore, and the lovely diva graced us with a costume change, and performing the song that she'll forever be remembered for..'my heart will go on'. it was rendered so beautifully live that i just couldn't contain the excitement and euphoria in me. same goes to her fans.. everyone was singing to that song..and finally the curtain call.

all in all, it was the best performance that i have seen from a true diva. although 2hours may seem a little short, it was memorable. we could clearly see that she placed a lot of effort to make the show a success. people were seem leaving overwhelmed. awed. i left feeling inspired, and i also kinda had an enlightening moment. i could feel her songs, talking to my soul. her voice just connects to my heart and my soul, and finally showing me the right direction.

i know that it may sound a little OTT, but there is nothing better than having a diva connect to your soul. as readers may have noticed, i was feeling a little slumped over the past couple of weeks. but her show have lifted my spirits again, making me believe in the person in me again

i couldn't thank her enough for being the inspiration to my life.. crazy as it may sound, i think she's my role model. i may not be in her footsteps, but seeing her performing life, with all the wonderful songs, i think i may end up being a better person. and clearly, if i were to leave the world today, i will have no regrets in my life...

celine dion, you are the best!!

je t'aime
ben

p.s. stay tuned for more updates, videos and pix from the concert.
as for now, i'll just embed this video, taken from derick716.

2 more days...

technically, it's actually one more day. but then again, my time zone is always out, so i guess u can say that it's two more nights. i just can't wait to be in that seat, watching celine belt out all her songs. i know that the night may be short when you are enjoying it.. but i hope that the memories last forever.

ok, to clear some things.. firstly, i will like to thank my diaper buddy aka kawan lampin aka mich aka precious princess for recording the videos during the launch of body jam. i appreciate the sacrifice she had to make (running away from her mum) to come support me.. so, here's a big THANK YOU, for doing all this.

as i am leaving again tomorrow, guess my blog will be on hold until my return. let's just hope that i'll return a wiser and happier person.

ciao
je t'aime
ben

home again

so, i am back in penang again. for two days, before i head down to KL again to catch celine dion's concert. i know i've said this many many times, but i just can't wait to be there, watching her life. it's a dream come true, and is the best present the world will give me..

will try to upload some pictures from the trip.. but i guess i'll only update it after i return from the concert. hopefully, i'll be able to grab a few shots of celine dion in action. i know i've heard of her lip-synching, and all, but we all have to admit, she's the best performer for all time. come on, who can carry such beautiful notes after all these years?

anyway, met reshmonu yesterday,right after leaving starbucks in the gardens. also met some models, some datins and some celebrities (tiara) in the lobby while i was headed out for dinner. it was MIFA, hence the large gathering. i just can't help but to envy them.. anyway, the funniest thing happened. i was walking my own imaginary catwalk in the hotel and the mall. i didn't really notice it, until mum pointed out that why is my walking so akin to a ladies. i had to cover up with a quick excuse.. but i think deep down, i just couldn't give up longing to be famous one day. it did occur to me that perhaps, there'll be talent scouts standing nearby.. but perhaps luck doesn't favour me.. and perhaps, i'm just not meant to be in the limelight.

anyway, i guess the gender confusion didn't really stop, even in KL. come on, in the land of the crowded, there are so many ppl like me.. my niece and nephews that met me yesterday was wondering what the heck am i (they didn't ask, but i could sense). but what really irritated me was that the taxi driver that drove me to the airport today actually had the guts to ask me what was my gender. apparently, he confused me with a lady.

sometimes, i just can't help it. i know that the long mane worsen the problem, but what they don't see is that if i don't treasure and play with my hair now, there'll be no more hair to play with in a couple of years time. it's genetical, and i can't avoid it (i can only not pass it on). i know that my movements are rather soft, flowy and lanky.. but it's not that i didn't try to be manly. i guess i never really changed after all.

i remembered the logic when i first started going to the gym. i told myself that i must lose weight, and at the same time tone up to become more manly. but i guess i failed. terribly...

one thing, it's not that i am not comfortable being in my own skin. ok, there are certain parts that i really don't like, but then, i've learned to accept the little that i am. but why is everyone around me judging me then.. i remembered telling myself, if anyone ask me what gender i am, i shall promptly reply that i am what they think i am. if they think that i'm a male, then i'm a male. if they think that i am a female, then it shall be that. but i've never really used this thought on anyone, or perhaps i'd get so annoyed, or embarassed that i don't know what to say. and then, i can't really use that on children too, right? they'll be so confused that they'll run to their mommies..somehow, i'm like the bogeyman to them.

perhaps, the one consolation that i'll get is realising that i shall remain alone forever. that way, my companion doesn't have to wake up one day and realise that i am not what i am supposed to be. and this is also probably the best way to keep both girls and guys away from approaching me (girls will think that i'm a sista, and not able to provide security and such.. while guys will just think that i'm a freak of nature that deserves to be whacked and dunked into the toilet bowl)..hmm. how wonderful..

guess i've poured out more than i should. once again, i've disappointed myself, but i guess i just have to let some steam off. am still anticipating the arrival of 13th of april....

ciao
je t'aime (do i really?? i wonder)
ben

malaysian timing

if there is one thing that i learnt over the past few days, it'll be that malaysian timing doesn't differ much. i may not be well known for my punctuality, but others really put me to shame. yesterday, i was supposed to have a lunch meeting in KL sentral at 1pm. i was there by 12.50, but my friend was so amazing that he only arrived one hour after me. next, in case u decide to travel using the commuter, don't even bother about the precision of the timing on the board. the train may either arrive too early, or really late. while i was heading out, the train arrived like 10 minutes ahead of stipulated time. while returning, i had to wait for 35 minutes of delayed service, and worse, waited another 10 minutes before the train driver decides to leave the station.

i remembered, back in london, there's no such thing as this. even the bus were on time. and there is no such thing that a train stopping in the middle of its tracks, or a train idling at the station just to wait until it's filled before taking off. i seriously don't know what's wrong with the malaysian services here.

so, yesterday was another day of aimless wandering, across town. this time, we headed to so many malls, and yet got nothing out of it again. i guess i just don't know how to shop here anymore. probably also because there is nothing that i need from here. at least not at this moment...

celine's concert is in 4 days time. passed stadium merdeka yesterday and saw them getting ready the place. i just can't wait for the concert date. but then, it's only last one night. one night of memories..and that's the end. haih. well, here's a weird thought. considering that she'll be here for at least 2 days, which hotel will she be staying in?? will it be here, in this super posh gardens? or will she be in the hilton? gosh.. beats me to figure out where she'll be..

ok, gotta go for now. until another time then...a new day will come

ciao
je t'aime
ben

and oh.. am i enjoying this.. i did nothing the whole day except lingering in the hotel room, and now coming online in starbucks in borders, the gardens. the view here is also beautiful.. perfect for a bored guy to come online...hehe

easter jam

sorry folks, but i just can't embed the vidoe for leona lewis's bleeding love here in my blog. but trust me, the song is beautiful, and feel free to watch in on youtube.
and when u are there, why not also catch a glimpse of celine dion's world tour. there's a special song, my love, performed only in south korea. seriously, i can't wait until april 8th. i believe that would be the happiest night of my life.
(omg, towards the end of the video, i am euphoric)..argh!!!!

so, it's gonna be easter sunday in a few more minutes. to all christians, i wish thy happy easter. it's the one of the most important day in the christian calendar as it's the very day the whole faith is based upon. it's the very day christ rose from death to atone the sins of the world. blessed be..

to all pagans, happy fertility day. in case u've forgotten, the spring equinox was just 2 days ago. it marks the arrival of spring. the very season whereby the mother goddess is born again. in case u guys didn't see..the bunny and eggs on easter, all are symbols of fertility. so..have fun. procrete..haha

on a more personal note, tomorrow, i'll be on stage again. this time, it's for the body jam release 44. but it'll only be like for 1 minute.. and i have to do a naomi campbell walk. so guys, wish me luck.. and hopefully i won't make a fool of myself
(anyway, prior to this, i actually wondered why would i want to play second fiddle, be underappreciated, and trying to make a fool of myself to an audience..)- then i realised, i am my greatest enemy!!

once again, wish me luck!!
btw, i'm a may baby..not april baby. sorry ya...me born like 2 days after the start of summer (belthane)..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

tickets

i guess that picture says everything. yes. i finally have it in my hands. the very ticket to catch the best concert for the year in KL. yay!! it 's the celine dion concert...now, am counting down the days to april 8th...

shattered walls

the very walls that imprisoned me was finally shattered. i have overcome the greatest obstacle that i am supposed to this year. yes, i have finally completed my dissertation. u may have read that in the previous post, but i'm currently letting the feeling sink in. you couldn't imagine the euphoria that i am enjoying now, knowing that i have broken this very wall. it's just so amazing. well, another two more weeks, and i'll be done with uni life. it's out to the corporate world, or perhaps i'll continue to pursue a higher education level... but i guess i'll let it flow...perhaps i'll just prepare a few copies of my c.v. and send them to various corporation, hoping that i'll get a job that i love. i know it's hard for me due to my 'floating' nature, but i guess i'll have to change and settle eventually.

the other wall that shattered was the very one seperating dreams and reality. while i could only use to dream, some people are making it into their reality. it finally dawn upon me that people are generally separated into two categories. either u are lucky, or u are not. while i can only dream of being a model, or owning my dream car, another is actually living my dream. this friend of mine, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, just got the dream job, the dream car, and also a man to love him. another pal, also born with a silver spade in her mouth, is actually earn per hour what others earn per day. plus, she doesn't even have to have a degree to earn such, and lead the high life.. but thankfully, i'm awaken with the crash of the wall..

a little on the recent elections. so, what is done is done. penang, and a few other state, are now under opposition rule. the government is formed by the ruling coalition with a simple majority. what's next up the line? many walls of comfort for members of the coalition were also shattered last weekend. some may take the fall graciously (kudos to dr koh for being a gentleman), others just can't seem to get the message to back off. perhaps they should seize the moment and leave with some dignity. look, the people don't want you. don't linger. as for the opposition rule, i am neither for, nor against it. i guess i'll just sit back and watch what happens. however, what saddens me is that many grassroot leaders which has done so much for the community was just given the boot, just like that. young guns have taken over, but i hope that could meet the par set by their predecessors. anyway, they should always remember, if the people can vote you in, they can always vote you out either.

after all these happenings, what overwhelmed me was the level of maturity of the 21st century malaysians. perhaps globalisation and technology have their good points after all..haha. well, it's just that the voice of the new generation is loud and clear, and some worthy malaysians can take defeat with full of grace. another thing that overwhelmed me was knowing that democracy is still alive and well in malaysia. thankfully, we do not have to go through issues like what's happening in pakistan, nigeria, and a few other countries. we may not have year long campaigns like the u.s., but we still treasure our rights fought for by our forefathers.

ok, guess i'll continue some other time. it's time for me to catch up on my beauty sleep. i know i may not have the looks, but i do not want to end up like the wicked witch in snow white...(but being a witch like paige matthews is a dream come true). well, that story another time..
ciao
je t'aime
ben

oh, and pls do take some time off to listen to some songs from my favourite diva. she's everything a diva needs to be. btw, the first song 'if walls could talk', is my favourite song from her all the time.

tribute to celine

i know that i haven't been posting for quite a while. forgive me, but i had to complete my dissertation. now that it's done, i have all the time in the world to blog again.. haha

firstly, here are some videos featuring my favourite diva. i never knew that she actually made these videos, cos they weren't promoted here in malaysia, and i didn't really have the brains to look it up youtube after all these while...


this is my favourite song from all of celine's. i dunno why, but i just love it. maybe because i also have a lot of secrets shared between me and my walls


another lovely song. i wish for the same things, but i guess i'll never figure if anyone ever needs me.


another beautiful song. just love the simple message in the song. so sweet, yet so sad at times.


a beautiful song for a beautiful movie. i watched the movie once, and it nearly brought me to tears. the ending was so touching.


seriously, do i have to get water from the moon to get you to love me.. then let me know.

well, here are some of the many songs from my favourite diva. who could have imagined that this lady, who's making millions singing english songs, couldn't even speak more than 10 english words when she first broke into the music scene.
she's a prove that determination and hard work pays off. she's an inspiration, and most of all, she's a miracle. she's placed upon a pedestal, high above the world, and yet her heart is ever so humble. seriously, i think i have got lots to learn from one of the greatest performer and singer of this century. and lastly, she's living proof that love does exists after all..

a new day

- i was waiting for so long, for a miracle to come. everyone told me to be strong. Hold on, and don't shed a tear.- a new day, celine dion (2002)

this phrase is just apt for my current condition. i was listening to her again this evening, and i have never been so connected to the song as today. although i've listened to this album and this song over and over again, this phrase came at the right time, telling me to hold on.

i am still stuck in the lab again, working until the break of dawn. luckily for tonight, i mananged to spend the fisrt half of the night with an old friend, hence it wasn't that bad. even managed to squeeze half an hour of mamak into my schedule. had a roti canai (i hear u guys yelling: calories!!) but i guess that will help me stay awake through the night.

met my supervisor this afternoon, and was given a lecture on my thesis. apparently, my lit. review isn't that impressive (only 8 pages), and my work was shoddy. guess i trimmed to much, trying to be as concise as ever. also, i lack proper resources to really write what i want to. it's not that i haven't been doing my homework (my other tabs are linked to some journals now), but i just don't see any work done regarding patin fish. what am i to write when i have no resources. excuses, i try not to make them. but there are times when my body, mind and soul is just so tired that i just wanna escape from all this..

somehow, today also got me thinking of a few what ifs... what if i have taken the scholarship to australia 3 years back.. would things be better? would i have to work like an ass here?? or what if i had gone to study psychology in some private college instead. will it be easier for me? i don't have to face all this shit..or what if i had asked to change my supervisor instead of just giving in into luck and fate?? ah, so many what ifs. but i guess it's too late to ponder on this. i'll just move forward, and await the new dawn. a better day. a new day.

- let the rain come down and wash away my tears. let it fill my soul and drown my fears. let it shatter the walls, for a new sun. a new day has come.-

ciao
je t'aime
ben

comfort food nite...

firstly, i would like to apologise to all my readers for the previous post. i know that it was really depressing. i don't mean to bring your spirits down, but i guess misery loves company.

well, i am feeling better now. in fact, my mood was so much better since last night. finally got over the fatigue and the lethargy of the weekend. i don't deny that my mood is still down, but i guess i could keep it beneath me now. i wanna enjoy the weekend!!!

am feeling a little guilty now, as i was pigging out on comfort food. had rather late lunch or hash browns and sausages. skipped dinner..until my sis pestered me to mcd's. besides, it was the drive-thru, so i don't mind. initially, was only supposed to get an oreo mcflurry for her. somehow, we got ourselves a pie each, her mcflurry, and my chocolate cornetto sundae..guess i'll have to work out all the calories tomorrow... or continue with a japanese lunch treat from mum (not sure if i wanna go yet).

am both happy and sad at the same time for my final year project. happy that it's done, almost complete. just one last phase to go. but am sad that after doing some analyses, realised that my diet isn't exactly effective for growth. but what's done is done. all i have to do now is to compile my results, write up my discussion, and i am all set to graduate. oh, am really glad that i my only exam paper is on the 22nd of april. guess i could slot in a genting trip after going for celine dion's concert.

i couldn't believe this, but i am still laughing to 'a cinderella story'. it may be corny or so...but watching repeats can really lift ur spirits. haha. i have to say, i really 'heart' hilary duff. lindsay, take a cue!!

just a random thought.. maybe i should send my resume for a post of lecturer in taylor's college in kl. perhaps i could teach biology and/or psychology. but it's just a passing thought.. mum and dad wants me to go to australia to pursue my master's degree..

ok for tonight.. still contemplating. yoga or japanese food?? (sign from tv now says japanese..no thanks to the advert from ajinomoto)

oh, another heart for mix fm. they played 2 celine songs back to back last yesterday morn. was so happy to hear alone and my heart will go on together. watched 'a new day' again last night, and was so just so happy to be able to sing to songs like 'i surrender', 'river deep, mountain high', and also 'to love you more'.. me on celine fever now..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

random..

in case you haven't heard, celine is coming to town.. ok, not exactly penang, but she'll be in KL for a one-night-only concert. it's part of her 'taking chances' world tour. so.....hmm... guess i'll be spending the night of april 8th in stadium merdeka enjoying the time of my life. i just can't wait for the tickets to be on sale....argh!! celine... if only you could read this and realise that how much this means to me..

time flies really fast. it's chinese new year's eve now. weeks ago, i was busy shopping for the big day...and now, it's barely 24 hours away. 360 days gone (in lunar calendar, there's only 360 days), making way for another 360 days. let's just hope that things will turn out better for the coming year.

i've sinned again.. been pigging out for the past few days. last night, i went for 'lok-lok' with my buddies. i ate quite a lot there. then, we continued at lecka-lecka, with me having green tea gelato. as delicious as they may seem, it's still sinful. tonight was worst as i just downed a bowl of maggie mee and a few slices of bak kwa (as supper). someone better stop me before i develop a belly for new year..

i've finally come to terms with myself regarding my untouchable. i've just realised that it is not worth for me to have any emotions to this person. in fact, my untouchable is nowhere worthy now, as it failed to meet my expectations. besides, i've learned to read the signals properly now. i know my cues and signs and will not play ur silly little game anymore.

many posts ago, i did mention that i'll be getting the house all by myself for 2 weeks... now, the time is here. my parents are down under enjoying themselves.. and i am here, alone in the house.. is this a blessing? or is this a curse. i seriously can't find my heart. one way, i'm glad that i'm alone... but at the same time, i do long company from someone that i love and will love me back with me now.. if only i have this person with me..haih

singles party cancelled. yay. i don't have to do 'charity' anymore. besides, why do i want to punish myself by being in a singles party?? i wonder....there may be a hint of desperation in me, but i guess nothing will be right for me forever.

oh, went clubbing on sat nite, but it sucked. dj was lousy, feel was crappy, the crowd was poor... and i wasn't in my finest. but what the heck, i partied until 3 in the morning. what's important is that i had my friends there, as well as kah hooi, who is about to enter legal age in 4 days time... happy birthday to you (in advance, in case i don't see you)..

ciao
je t'aime
kong hei fatt choy

ben

Out of steam

well, i'm exhausted. so tired of what's going on around me. i just can't seem to pen my thoughts on anything now. there's so many things to do, and yet i've completed none. goals to reach, yet none have materialise...and now, i am lost in this game called life.

the past week was indeed fun. thaipusam festival (celebrated with friends atop the hill), then a shopping spree..but is that what i really want? is that what they really want?? sometimes i wonder. i tend to take the lead most of the time...i don't wanna be a leader, but somehow, i'll just assume the role naturally. however, this got me thinking.. are my pals fine with it? if not, why don't they say anything. they keep on asking me to plan.. but are my plans fruitful and befits everyone? or it's just plain rubbish and ppl are following just to please me.... i wonder

then, i wonder again. do people actually want me in their group? do they really accept me as part of their social network? or are they just putting up with me, hoping that i will shy away soon? am i imposing myself on others, making them love my company? or do my actions actually make them loath me?? i wonder

silly thoughts fill my head while i'm awake. silly dreams take me to places that i haven't been in my sleep. is this because i'm a silly person? of has my mind being idle for so long that it is slowly turning senile?? well, i was just telling my grams this afternoon, if ever i will be mentally demented when i'm old. considering that i've already lost half of my mind now, will i ever trod down the street naked? in a bra? or will i spend the remaining years of my life on the side walk??

then there are times where we dream beyond our means. we imagine ourselves being in someone else's position, doing some other things... take me for instance.. i'd dream of being a fashion designer, a marine biologist, a model(?), an event planner(?), a psychic....but where am i now? stuck in reality, being just the average joe. will i lead a woeful life, remaining average, and pass away anonymously?? or will i ever get the chance to lead a high life?? i wonder again.....

ok, i guess lethargy is taking over my soul. anymore blabbering, and tim burton will make a movie out of my pathetic life. hence, i bid thy adieu, and till we meet again..
ciao

je t'aime.

oh, i've just found out about this song from celine dion, titled 'water from the moon'. it's rather old, but i find the lyrics quite interesting. in fact, it mirrors certain parts of my love life (if only i had one). i told myself to stay clear of the untouchable...but i guess the hyde in me just wouldn't comply. spending more time with this person will only lead my into deeper misery... but hyde thinks, do i have to get water from the moon, to make the person love me.....

ciao

milk: the new whey of life...

this is just in from men's health (jan 2008). apparently, milk is a good substitute to all those expensive protein shakes body builders take after working out. apparently, milk contains 80% whey protein and 20% casein. there guys, i can still get whey protein without paying with my life. besides, i guess all those advertised whey protein are lactose based too. guess i'll just have to stock up on my milk supply, and drink them like there's no tomorrow.

life's pretty boring when u're stuck in the same place, doing the same damn thing everyday. well, i was hoping that i could at least finish my project on the 31st of january, and celebrate chinese new year in peace. somehow, my supervisor thinks otherwise and decided to extend my project right up to valentine's day, and make me work like a horse to obtain results before handing in my thesis by the end of march. what does she take me as? heck.. i'm so frustrated, but what can i say? i'm depending on her to grant me an A, so that i can graduate with flying colours. the A is crucial as my cgpa is now getting closer and closer to the 4.00 mark. but then again, it all depends on luck. like my previous thought, good things just don't happen to me at all. one moment, i may think that i have it all, then everything takes a tumble.

untouchable, untouchable. i know it sparked some interest amongst my readers. well, don't worry, it's true. not fabricated from some idle place in my mind. just that i don't think it's right to reveal the person here. besides, i thought that i could really pass it all off...the day proves otherwise. i still see the person, enjoys its company, and actually misses it when i don't hear from it at all. could this be signs that i need someone by my side now?? hmm, i wonder.

reading my blogs, u may think that i am one desperate person trying to get laid all the time (and failing miserably in that). well, i may be desperate, but i am still a player and will never commit to any long term thingy. maybe it's just not in my veins to settle down. there is a long journey ahead, and i just can't let someone tie me down. and if my journey is short, i must savour every moment, not let another being tie me down with their thoughts, feelings and the such.
i admit that i have issues...but i guess everyone has them. it's just how they channel them. i have taken a silent oath not to be married or have kids, but this doesn't stop me from having fun at all. so..people, we must learn how not to mix our gut feeling with our minds.

enough of my miserable love life...other focus..hmm. workout. ok, i'm pretty impressed with my waist. in fact, i was so happy with it. now, i really have to take the flab off the tummy. and apparently the most effective way is to develop other areas of the trunk, like the pecs, the back and the shoulders. so, i have therefore resolve to develop these areas before my training, and hopefully they'll impress the trainers when i do my balance training (that's in march :(). oh,anyway, i took part in the 'contender' challenge organised by the gym just now. finally able to gauge my fitness level. overall, i am not to bad. i managed to run the run, squat the squat, lunge the lunge and punch the punch. just that i have to work harder on my push ups, and also on my abs. however, i was super happy in the shower just now as i finally felt my obliques. it's something that i never really thought that i could achieve and feel. but it's there...hard, and it's there. guess i'll have to work harder to train them, as well as the other abdominal muscles.

well, as lengthy as a post can be, there is always an end. and here it is, for this post. have a good day, and live life to the fullest.
je t'aime

p.s.: did i mention, the Celine Dion- a new day concert is superb. i've watched it twice already...and more to come. it's just amazing seeing my idol on stage giving her best. well, there are moments and phrases of songs which suddenly brings back memories, as well as the teary feeling in my eye..guess this is the true power of music....