back to reality

after spending 3 weeks in a dream, leading a beautiful life, it's back to reality for me. in fact, it's more than that. the moment i got back, i launched myself into a work and workout overdrive. forget jet-lag and insomnia. i had to face them all, and yet clock in to work at 8 on monday (with about 4 hours of sleep the night before).

and work hasn't been kind to me. being the project manager with an event due next week, there's just so many things to arrange and manage. visas, invitations, presentations etc.. couple that with other meetings, other responsibilities, and heavy office politics which i really don't enjoy being caught in. but somehow, i can feel my neck on the chopping block, and it is not gonna be easy for me to thread on these still waters with hungry crocodiles in it.

being a glutton during my holiday had its consequences. hence i wasted no time and hit the gym on monday evening, right after work. roughed out 3 classes (not bad after 3 weeks of slothing around). then, on tuesday, decided to reduce my food intake, roughed out another 2 classes, but really suffered for this. my thighs kinda stiffened towards the end of bodystep, and the cramp was so bad that i couldn't even lift my leg to go over the board. however, i didn't really bother, and tried to complete everything (even with sore legs).. torture, but i guess i deserve it..

anyway, diet restrictions are also necessary to attain my ideal, and hence, have been going on a semi liquid diet for the past few days. i guess there's great achievement when dinner comprises of a glass of fruit juice, and probably two pieces of dodol.. haha. will continue with this, unless i collapse from sugar deficit..

just a thought, will a deficit diet induce drowsiness and weariness?? i kinda slept while i was driving home last night (and was so sleepy while driving home for a few nights ago), and didn't even realise that there was a motorcycle in front of me, until like 5 seconds later. it was lucky that i didn't crash onto the motorcycle.. come to think of it, i kinda slept for about 100 metres..

managed to catch up some of the latest news, and i think i can sense a storm brewing in paradise. however, it's best for me not to say anything, least being labelled as annoying and inconsiderate again. in fact, i think i've said too much during the two catch up sessions that i sat for, and i kinda regret it. i need the strength to presevere and to remind myself constantly that i shouldn't and mustn't say anything, no matter what the past, present or future may be. in fact, i should master the art of being a mute, and just nod or shake my head.. probably will try this soon. haha.

A day in history

Well, if there's anything, yesterday was worth remembering as one of the 'significant' days of my life...
reason: i finally completed a bodyattack class.
after being reluctant to enter a bodyattack class after 3 years in the gym, i finally gave it a go (and endured towards the end).
part of my motivation was the simple reason that i'm leaving soon, and probably should just give it a try (another was due to the music)
luckily, there were loads of friends there, and they were all very happy to see me there.. well, at least they finally saw me doing it.
however, i would not say that i enjoyed it, and probably this is my one and only bodyattack class (or probably i should just do one every quarter, to live the music).. haha

btw, all the pushing in the gym (loading up in pump, adding level on step) is finally getting into me. i can hardly feel my legs anymore (except for the sore). probably it's a good thing (at least i know that i've been there, done that).. for who knows what will one horrible month in KL will do to me (in any case, i'm hoping that i'll slim down then).. hehe.
but all the pushing has its price to pay too.. i'm finally feeling the fatigue and lethargy..and it had affected my bodybalance. in fact, i finally faltered and made a mistake last night in bodybalance.. well, at least i know it'll be different once i am back..

a few months back, i was actually planning to leave and abandon the live here for something else. a retreat, for a couple of days. just to leave the hustle and bustle, and return fresh and anew.. however, with my trip down to KL now, i am somehow getting the cold feet.. in fact, i think it's separation anxiety. i guess all this stems from a certain sense of belonging within my clique.. something which is not good for me.. perhaps, this will be the cause of my downfall...

am trying to gain strength and inspirations from the people around me, and guess what.. i finally found the ultimate model.. Wilhemenia Slater, from Ugly Betty. she's strong, she's willy, and she's trying her best not to let emotions get into her way, not especially in life.. even when she's fallen, she doesn't give up.. besides, she's got great fashion sense.. oh, Willy Slater, u are the one..

ok, enough of my ranting
ciao

Weekend blast...

finally, i can heave a hugh sigh of relief...the latest launch for lesmills is over. it was amazing, with loads of surprise, but really really exhausting. in fact, i am seated in the office now with slight lower back pain.. but after all the adrenaline and euphoria, i wonder.. is it really worth it??

for a quick recap, i had many 'first time's over the past weekend. not sure what has gotten into me, but i guess it just fell into place, all at once.

firstly, i actually shed tears (not just one or two). my cheecks were actually wet, in the cinema!! what the heck, you wonder... but yea. it actually happened during 'Marley and Me'. towards the end, i actually had tears streaming down my cheeks.. both sides. that actually shocked me, for i hardly shed tears for movies (in fact, i hardly shed a tear now for everything). even when i was at my lowest point, no tears..... but i guess the death of a dog can really move a person.

next, topless.. yes, to many boys and men, i guess it's a non-issue. but for a person whom was raised in a 'prim & proper' household, it actually took hell load of courage to reveal my skin in public. besides swimming, i haven't really paraded my body in public, and surely never for public viewing.. but i guess, for the sake of the tribe and passion... i have to... (it wasn't very comfortable for me, but i guess i'll just have to do it).

actually, the next 'first time' is something like a continuation from the previous one. to reveal thy body, it has to be clean.. and for it to be clean, it means: no hair!! so, it was the first time that i subjected myself to d.i.y. waxing.. and let me tell u this...waxing hurts like hell. it's not comfortable, the results vary, and it sure gave me hell of a time. my skin is rather sensitive, hence after waxing, it was red and blemished all over. not a good condition...again, for the sake of passion and the tribe...(i guess i can't complain).[btw, looking for sponsors for laser hair removal.. kindly contact me if interested]..

the other 'first time'..hmm, me, dressing up as a rock star. actually, it comes complete with the funked up hair and accessories. actually, i have never done up my hair in such fashion.. never.. and most importantly, i don't really 'do up' anything for a workout class... but yesterday, i defied my usual self, and actually went to the gym with hair standing on it's roots.. pretty cool, but pretty weird too.. haha.

lastly, the 'alternate' me surfaced for a while.. i am not sure what circumstances brought him back, but he certainly was.. thank goodness, he's back to where he belongs. hopefully he wouldn't be back anytime soon.. me not ready to face the consequences..

luv

elephant brains?? probably not

Isn't it funny how Alan mentioned about a tiff about me and him that i can't seem to remember... probably age has caught up with me, drying up my brain cells to the point that i can't even remember such happenings (and mind you, apparently, it was only a few months back). either that, or i've been throwing one too many tantrums that i can't even remember who i am mad with anymore..

speaking of getting mad, i guess there's no better way to end the year than being a cranky, moody sour grape. it was misery, bent on ruining me.. the day was bad to start with (interrupted sleep), then, horrendous nap that zapped my energy.. then, other incidents concerning my dressing.. and finally, spending hours waiting and waiting for things to happen. waiting for people to turn up, waiting for seats, waiting for food...argh.. but i guess i just have to bear with it.. after all, i had quite a good year, so cut me some slack and just let me be moody for once.. haha.

caught two movies back to back again yesterday.. i guess that's not a bad way to fill the day.. watched lady cop and papa crook (starring alan's fav diva, sammi cheng), then went for adam sandler's bedtime stories.. i guess i kinda expected more from bedtime stories, but it just fell flat and way way way lower than my expectations.. probably i should have saved my money for inkheart instead (after all, brandon fraser is better than adam sandler). at least, i'll get to see him transported into the realm of fantasy and magic (something that doesn't happen in reality)[sigh]..

once again, no new year resolutions. after all, why make them when you intend to break them as soon as the clock strikes midnight?? but somehow, as i was standing underneath the fireworks, welcoming the minute, i said a silent prayer.. and without the doubt, it's for everyone around me to be happy at all times. as alan had put it, i have a really cool gang of friends that will always be with me. so, wishing them bliss and happiness is the least i could do for them..

random thought: i'm actually very vain.. haha. in fact, as my granny put it to her friends this morning, i do appreciate being praised from her friends.. haha.
anyway, people have been telling me that i've lost weight again (not just one, but a few), but i do doubt that, and i think i should lose another few kilograms (for assurance). besides, i also need to tone up my body (for reasons that i don't know), improve my flexibility, and probably built some strength?? (again, for no apparent reasons.. so i guess that's not a priority).

ok, enough for now (am heading off to the gym earlier so that i can practise my balance)..

ciao
have a happy new year

ben

Born to be Wild....

Hehe..sorry combat boys, but i guess i have to borrow a song title from ur last release to use for my rantings..hehe.

Why the title, you may ask...hmm, i guess every person is born with some primal animal instinct in them waiting to be unleashed.. and mine finally came out of the woodworks last friday nite.

Yup, went clubbing with the boys...and unleashed the beast inside of me..haha. i guess i was sleazy, loose and out-of-control..hehe. but it was pure fun for me. i dare say it's the best clubbing experience that i have had all this while.and i have no regrets for it. can't wait for christmas to unleash the beast again..

and boys, pardon me if i did plant my smooches on u all..haha.

another fun thing (slight damage to the wallet)is shopping.. and guess what, i managed to blow about 400 bucks in about 4 hours..hehe. it was the perfect retail therapy for me as i loved everything that i bought... from soundtracks to apparels to 'beauty products'...haha. i wish i could do that more often, provided that it's sustainable to my wallet...

just a random thought: am really happy with my 'bodybalance' family, that our dicipline for tuition is superb. everyone makes an effort to turn up and present their best for the session, even though it is just only a tuition. now, am just waiting for the launch come this sunday. i get to present 2 tracks (the first time i am presenting for launch)..am so happy!!!

and once again, am happy that i managed to sell my idea for the dress code during the launch. balance is turning colourful...with white tops and pastel fishermen's bottom. haha. am just wondering how to spruce the class up on the launch itself.

another random thought: am becoming the 'professional master of ceremony (MC) again for a recycling convention come this saturday. love my job, but have to stay put until the end of the day..

ok, signing off now as i'm in the midst of preparing my speech text.

ciao
je t'aime
Ben

Cleared

Finally, the dust have settled in the horizon. all the cloudiness and dizziness have passed...
yes... i am now an official bodybalance instructor. after nearly 3 months since my training, the practice, the shadow and team teaching session, heartbreak and near give-up situations, i've pulled my act through and settled it once and for all.

Probably this will serve as a motivation for me to continue pursuing my passion. least i forget, bodybalance and all other lesmills programmes are about enjoying ourselves and having fun. being an instuctor shall not limit myself from finding the grace in the programme.

Am really thankful for all the support that i have received, ranging from close buddies, members, head teacher, and even fellow trainees from KL. without all of you, i seriously don't know how will i pull it through. live goes on now...

topic change.. watched red cliff recently. seriously, i didn't know why i passed out the chance to watch it as soon as possible, cos it was damn nice. i am now so waiting for the sequeal. and yea...takeshi kaneshiro is really really hot (and damn good looking to play the military strategies zhuge liang. )
am going for wall.e tonight (free tix..thanks terence!!!)

graduation is just 2 days away.. collected my robes on monday. looked really cool in it (seriously, those purple robes rock), but had absolute no idea on how to put on the golden sash. will be collecting my suit later (tailor-made)..hehe. and also got my hair (front portion) straightened. yes, i've finally changed my looks (and was even commented as a male version of rihanna)... honestly, i don't deny that cos rihanna was my muse...

bought myself a tote bag from fila yesterday. yes, finally got myself a man-bag. after the many seasons since it hit the runway, i've finally caught up with the trend. the best part...it's green (the very colour which is opposing me). somehow or other, i'm starting the embrace the colour of nature..anyway, i am still obsessing about the pair of golden striped shoes from adidas. but i don't think i can get it soon cos i have to allocate the better part of my pay to maintain my car.

speaking of cars, couldn't believe that i have to allocate parts of my pay for 2 months to the car. and now, i even have to spend more, to change the tyres, so that i can drive down to KL at the end of the month.

ok, that's all for now. have to get back to work and complete my task before celebrations.. haha

ciao
je t'aime
Ben

Moments

There are many moments in life, when we are to make decisions. From deciding what to eat for breakfast, what to wear to work, to decisions such as which piece of property to purchase, or whom do we chose to sleep with tonight, we are constantly reminded to make a choice.

I dare say, there are many moments when i regret certain desicions that i've made.
For one, i'm not proud to say that i regret the day i gave up my scholarship to further my studies in Australia, just to stay in Penang.
I'm also not proud to say that i've chosen biology, instead of going mainstream like accountancy of management.

Sometimes, i may regret it. sometimes, i enjoy it. In fact, more often than not, i just ignore it. But then, there are times when such decisions come back into our minds to kick us in the ass.

I'm also not proud to say that there were moments when i feel like ramming my car into the tree...
Nor am i proud to say that i fear so much of not hurting myself that i've forgotten how to love.
But sometimes i wonder, is this the reality, or just some pretty illusions conjured just to ruin me.
I'm also not proud to admit that i am slightly depressed. Perhaps i've suppressed it so much that it had made the diva out of me..

But last night, i had one of the greatest moment in my life. i chose to walk away. it's hard, but i think it's right. perhaps it was one of the proudest moments that i have had in days. getting good reviews from my teacher for my training was great, but the moment when i chose to walk away instead of saying goodbye, i think it was wonderful.

Scorned am i, but what choices have i got. I've lowered all my defences, and tried to gain acceptance, but i guess it will not work. others may get a second chance, but not me. i don't have the heart to wait for a second chance.

anyhow, let's rejoice that i have found one of the greatest moments in this week of mine.

oh, in any case, i felt that i had one of the best moments teaching sun salutations last night. it was complete, perfect, and i even chuckled during my teaching. gosh, it was so powerful, energetic, yet calm... fitness magic, here i come!!! haha

ciao
je t'aime
ben

10 days

it's been 10 days since i last blogged. this time, it's not because i am not in the mood to blog, but i just don't have the time to sit in front of the comp and blog. i guess working life is very different from what i used to be. even though i am not handling any major projects yet, there is still so much to do, and so many meetings to attend. but anyhow, i guess i can't complaint much as i love this job, and the people around me.

so, watched hancock over the weekend. nice, but i still think that the best superhero for the season (until today) will be the hulk. there is just so much emotion in the movie that i was moved (almost to tears) a few times. as for hancock, too much of an american dream there (look out for the bald headed eagles). am now waiting for the dark knight, the mummy, and also hellboy 2. from the trailer, it looks really really interesting.

finally got my first bottle of edt. don't get me wrong, i've been using Lauren by Ralf Lauren for so long, that i decided that i need some changes in the scent department. and guess what....i finally settled down with a bottle of Boss, by Hugo Boss. the scent is simply beautiful, and i can still smell the middle note now. citrusy, woody and spicy at the same time... (and also, i think i was affected by their advert in the media and also in the gym..haha). but then, i did try issey miyaki, ck and bulgari before settling for hugo boss. but ultimately, i still want my celine dion's belong!! it's the must have perfume for me!!

oh, least i forget, the flu bug is in, so readers, take heed and care for your health. i was so sick for the past few days that things just didn't turn right for me. and for the first time, i was close to having a blackout in the gym (thank goodness it didn't happen). i guess doing the cross-trainer at break-neck speed, having a cold, and not having lunch prior to workout is not a good combination!!

i miss my yoga sessions... even though i am teaching balance (in a way) now, i still miss my regular yoga classes, as well as the lovely 90 minutes yoga class. gosh.. if only i could work from home, and then go for all the classes as i wish. anyhow, a certain friend of mine is taking her yoga journey to the next level. i guess the most that i can do is just wish her luck..

lastly, for my pathetic love life.. i guess i should take a bow and leave the stage. as much as i thought it was possible, i guess it's still beyond reach. all the signs and signals... i just don't know how to interpret them anymore, and i just don't know how to tackle it with tact. i think i should take my leave....or probably let the weekend decide for me..

speaking of taking leave...i guess i should also take my leave from the world of body jam. i can't really explain the reason, but i have this hunch that i should back down and probably do something else. somehow, i'm torn apart in this decision. there is still heart in me to do jam...but there is this other person telling me that bodyjam today is no longer what it was anymore...i can't explain what, how or when, but i think i should...haih.

guess this little update is enough to satisfy my readers until the next time.
am going out for lunch now before i pass out from hunger

ciao
je t'aime
ben

p.s.: if u do notice, the title for this post is a song from celine too..haha

taken

so, the launch has come and gone. it was a fun and hectic day. tiring, stressed, but it was worth it. besides, the yin and yang theme was so nice. and everyone (i mean the instructors) stook to the theme and was so sporting. it was fun getting to know klevin (senior bbalance in KL), and also meeting back ppl like ken (la diva), teoh (la thunder thighs..haha), and sharon (bbalance trainee). the energy was so high, and especially for jam..haha

felt a little taken...aback at the moment from certain quarters. also feel like being taken from granted from certain people. also felt like being taken for a ride from certain quarters...haih

found another new family, the body balance family.. guess i'll post up the many 'family' portraits here when i have the time. going off now

ciao
je t'aime
ben

121 - yay!!

welcome to post no. 121. haha. so soon, and i've written 121 posts on my life, and the nonsense surrounding it. it's really amazing to find this outlet for my thoughts..

again, this is gonna be a quickie, as i am still at work. life, as alan puts it, is still in routine. work, gym, home. nothing much, except for the occassional dinner with friends.. or that extra cup of coffee..

am launching body balance tomorrow. although i'm not the one presenting, i'm already feeling the tension in it. thankful that it's the first class in the morning, then i could head home to sleep. after all, i'll be in the gym again for body jam and body step classes. and not to mention, a birthday party to attend after the launch (gosh, i dread birthdays).

this is the last day of the fourth week that i'm working. in other words, it's been a month since i've started working. my name card is ready (and i've been handing them out), my cheque is in the bank, and i'm starting to get the hang of using my visa.. gosh, i think i seriously need to manage my finances prudently.

anyway, managed to bid a belkin for my laptop.. haha. yes. speak of managing finances. but then, who could resist a belkin?? just like which girl would give up their chanels..

ok, signing off now.

ciao,
je t'aime
ben

-post 121: end-

Quickie

here's a quickie to keep the blog 'alive'..haha

anyway, just finished work, but still enjoying the comfort of my office

feeling moody and unwell. i think i'm going to be sick. had 2 panadols just now, but i can still feel the heat behind my head, and the heavy sensation on my temples..

watched the incredible hulk on saturday. i dare say, this version beats ang lee's hands down. besides, there's so much emotion in the hulk that i actually felt like leaving the theater at certain moments to head to the toilet to clear my senses.

dunno what's wrong, but my emotions are running haywire too. tears want to fill my eyes for the past few days, but still, i couldn't manage to cry...

will be shadowing janis for the launch of bodybalance 41 come this saturday. this is the first time i'll be on stage for bodybalance launch, and the first time also as an instructor. can't wait. apparently, trainers from kl are also coming, so i think this time, it's gonna be a blast.

ok, enough of the quickie. am leaving now to go for coffee with rooney before working out. see ya ppl soon

ciao
je t'aime
ben

confused? deluded?

so, my first work week have ended. this is the first in the many many weeks to come. all is well, and i've managed to learn many things. and most importantly, i got to meet khoo salma nasution, one of the most vocal NGO representative in penang. she's very nice, and even asked me for some ideas..haha

watched kung fu panda yesterday. it was freaking hilarious, and i think it's a must watch for everybody. i just couldn't help but to laugh out loud in the theater. so cute...haha.

confused with my title? i'm confused with my life. my heart finally got the better of my head, and i did many things which is so not me. i just don't know what happened, what triggered everything, but i did what i wasn't supposed to do... and what's worse is that i spilled matters of my heart to a person.. argh. even as i'm typing this, i am confused....

the thing is, i know that the situation is impossible to happen. but why am i still getting and sending the wrong signals?? what are those signals supposed to mean? and i think i am deluded to think that those signals are meant for me...but they are, aren't they not?? argh!!

at the same time, my heart is crying slowly as i don't know what will happen. as much as i want to be, it's not possible.. and the worst part of my dilema is that i actually caught myself speaking to myself for about half an hour, addressing the heart...argh. i think i'm going crazy!!

ok, enough of this crazy post. i think i better get some rest before i go to work tomorrow. besides, i'm off to my first meeting with YB Chow, the state executive councillor in charged of the local government, traffic and environment.

did my first 'unofficial' balance class just now, from the start to the end. it's the most unconventional, unprepared class, but i think i pulled through, and i think i can finally start a class. i know i have to prepare for more, but my stage charisma is starting to be here. i have people now eager to see me teach, and i was actually flattered this morning to hear that someone actually enjoys looking at me on stage.. haha!!

ok, signing off now! until another day then..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

from work

this is the second day at work. once again, i am really early for work again. well, all things have started out fine...and there are various upcoming meetings and events to attend, organise and manage. hopefully, i can cope well in the new environment.

exam results are out. didn't do so well this time. after all the time spent on my research (refer to previous blogs), i only managed to score a B+. am wondering if it's all worth it?? probably, but am still wondering. heck, my cgpa is so bad this time that it's nowhere 3.5!!

quarterly just ended. didn't attend, but u can feel the hype for the next launch happening soon. then, i'll have more things to study, more things to learn, and more things to do.. will i be able to make it? let's hope so!!

read about rooney in alan's blog...funny, how we all became friends. and last night, i actually had a long chat with him (2 hours ++) after gym. i guess it's amazing how a simple conversation asking him about the origins of his racer-back could turn out to having heart to heart talk with him.. i guess this is the miracle of friendship.

anyway, signing off now and will be returning to work..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

Starbucks again...

yes, my big fat arse is plonked into yet another starbuck's seat. this time, it's in island plaza. it's the perfect place to idle time, as i get to come online, enjoy the aroma of fresh roast, as well as do some people watching.. haha

yes, i am also human. i do watch people. just as any other person, i do watch out for looks. but then, there are also many more details that i just love to observe. for one, human behaviour. it's just amazing that i can watch a person, and then take note of the behaviour, trying to figure out what the person is thinking at the certain moment. and sometimes, human behaviour can vary vastly from the outlook. there is this guy seated in front of me, puffing fags like a chimney, browsing the newspaper and swallowing his portugese egg tart, while wondering when is his friend going to arrive.
then, there is the friend..dressed up macholy...but nicely munching on cherry tomatoes. not that i have any prejudice against it, nor do i associate cherry tomatoes with the feminine...yet, u just don't find any person walking down the street with a packet of cherry tomatoes in hand....oddly pleasing.

am now waiting to attend another balance class. not even sure if i should go for the class, considering that i'm not shadowing today...but i guess i'll just go cos i've already brought my yoga mat. am seating off jam now...my ankle still hurts. try as i might, i couldn't resist jam and did it on thursday and friday night... probably this is why my ankle is still not fully recovered....argh!! stubborn me

will be headed off for steamboat later tonight. finally, after many weeks of planning, we'll be going for authentic chinese steamboat.. something very different from the usual bbq steamboat that we always have. then, there's the invite to go clubbing..but no worries, cos i wouldn't be going at all.. it's a solemn vow to stay of clubbing for eternity...haha

ok, signing off now as i want to head back to the gym.

am starting work in 2 days.

am getting my first visa card in 7 days (tune card)

am still fighting a lonely beast inside..haha

ciao
je t'aime
ben

update( 11.23pm): yet seated in another starbucks again. this time, it's after gym, and i am rooted in the starbucks in new world park. this time, just downed a java chip frappucino. amazingly, just saw the cherry tomato again..haha.
ciao

ouch ...it hurts

and that means my foot, darlings...hahaha. i was doing body jam this morning (the last morning jam before i start working), and happened to slip and fall..all that while doing my 2nd favourite cardio block (release 43, with rihanna). i hadn't even launched into the 'high' jungle turns yet, and i slipped and fell. and in that process, i also managed to sprain my ankle. yes, my left foot hurts really badly...argh. i was so frustrated. i guess i did leave with a 'thud'..haha.

with the injured foot, i am not sure if i can still shadow balance tomorrow night. i did try it out just now, and i think i can still make it, but i hope that it'll be better over the hours. and yes, i have already started my shadow classes for body balance. i've done 2 classes already, and i have 8 more to go before i can start team teaching. i hope that my injury will not hinder me from reaching my target (team-teaching in a month). besides, i really want to help launch release 41.

last note from the gym..yes, i found body step interesting..but let me say this...it is NOT because of teoh (the head teacher from KL). no, i am not attending class because of him. and no, i have no affair with him. in fact, we don't even know each other. besides, my main motive for step is to enhance my calf muscles..hehe. i really love the sight of bulging calf muscles...haha (and biceps too..). and i am not associated with teoh, ken or edmond on any grounds (alan, i don't wanna rob ken from u...haha).

topic change: work. it wasn't official, but i kinda started work yesterday. actually, it was a meeting with the organising committee for the recycling campaign held in schools in balik pulau. it was really an eye opener for me as i managed to see how things are organised, and what is being done. besides, i also realised that the managing committee is really weak (but who am i to say, as i am only a SERI officer). but then, laurels are given for the idea of having a recycling bank. students from the school will bring recycle-able item and in exchange, they'll be given cash. i think it's a very good start to instill the recycling campaign in young malaysians..haha.

anyway, i'll only be starting work on the 2nd. and let me clarify this with all. i'm working as a research officer, in the socio-economic and environmental research institute (SERI) of penang. my office is addressed 10, brown road. it's by the junction of brown road and scott road, just behind adventist hospital. the organisation is a think-tank for penangites, and serves as policy-makers to promote better living for penangites. my job will see me running around gathering views from the common, meeting with the state exco members to discuss policies, meeting up with NGO to discuss issues, as well as organising events to benefit the people. resources for the company comes from various quarters such as UNDP, DANIDA and PDC..

topic change again: movies. yes, i've been watching many movies over the past few weeks. managed to watch 'drillbit taylor',' the chronicles of narnia: prince caspian', and 'indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull'. 'dt' was ok, funny, and with kids.. 'tcon:pc' was better than the first, except that i don't really like ben barnes (weird accent). besides, it's a fantasy movie, so all logical thoughts have to be casted aside to watch this movie.. lastly, 'ijkcs' is actually great to watch. i have to say, harrison ford is still kicking ass at 60. oh, and cate blanchett is a really cool villian (sorry white witch, u didn't really make the cut). dr irina spalko is really hot, and cold at the same time. her facial muscle didn't even twicth when she's being 'cold' (probably botox).. but it's amazing to see the transformation of galadriel (lotr)into such a cold 'biatch' villian here. oh, and throughout the movie, i just can't get rid of the fact that mac and beowulf is played by the same person (ray winstone). it's amazing what cgi can do these days..haha.

i'm really sorry if this post is really long.. i guess my usual self is back in the game and is living life again.

thanks for reading, and hopefully, i'll be able to blog from my work desk soon..
ciao,
je t'aime
ben

p.s. referring to the comments from the previous post, gentleman, i do know that u guys know each other. which is why, i decided to leave a comment at dreamerdeme's blog.

p.s.does it feel weird that the person that u once flirted with, and tried to seduce, is now being reduced to a platonic close friend?? haih.

p.s. oh, i do not, and will not snatch the belongings of another person, whether i know it or not

my my...

firstly, i apologise again (for god knows how many times) for not being able to update my blog. a little issue cropped up on tuesday night, prompting me to storm off the house. probably u'll be reading less from here too cos i guarantee when will i next blog...

wednesday, went for an interview, and got a job in SERI (socio-economic and environmental research institute). i am starting off as a research officer, but i am certain that i will climb my way up the social ladder come on day. anyway, this job sounds really really interesting as i will be doing loads of ground work, getting opinions, surveys and policy making, as well as constantly meeting up with the state executive councillors, and NGO's. it's like a dream come true...i'm sure this social butterfly will eventually leave its mark before being consumed by the flames...

am really pushing myself very hard for the past few days in gym. i have to be perfect, if not, 90% perfect. my legs are still aching, but i have to seize the opportunity to become perfect. anyway, attended a bodystep class (not for anyone).. my first, after being in the gym for a year and a half. found it interesting, and i can assure you that it's not the last time that i am attending one..haha.
i can now say that an hour of balance training and 90 minutes of yoga could suck out every ounce of strength you have in the body (especially when you missed lunch)..haha

i'll try to update pictures from my birthday dinner as soon as possible. i'm sorry that things have turned out this way. i'll try to seize the opportunity to come online as soon as possible..

i may have laxed a little, but i am still punishing myself if i catch myself vocalising a single sound in a song. it's been weeks already, and temptations are still so strong, but i guess i have to really keep to myself. as it is, the ugly duckling shall quack no more...

i guess that's all for a few bittersweet days. life will become harder, but i think i shall not crack....the show must go on..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

the big day

so, this post is 2 days late..haha. what the heck.. i had so much fun on the night that i just have to share some of my thoughts with my readers.
of course, i started the day beaming. in fact, i was beaming so brightly that people kept asking me what happened. seriously, all u could see is the wide smile across my face..haha.
the morning was just ok..decided to sleep in, then head to the market for breakfast..and some random shopping..haha.

afternoon..hmm, well, attended body jam and body balance, specially conducted by jacqueline (master trainer). although she may not shine as much as kylie, she's still great. but i also realise that somehow, she's not connected to the members..haih.
well, her cohorts are just as wicked..hehe. kenny, good dancer. but then, he's got legs a mile long..making it rather weird to see him dance. our head teacher, amazingly, was perfect. in fact, it became the talk of the night, as our head teacher finally got her groove back... the other cohort of jacq, teoh..hmm, he's a good dancer too (and a great looker..haha). but then, he's not a body jam instructor, so...(besides, i think he's attached to janis)
for body balance..jacqueline..great. although i've gotten so used to janis's style, it's great to have her there..i must say, i really wanna be like her when i complete my training, except the lengthy relaxation track. ah..now i wish my trainer was her (but not to worry, i heard that riyo is quite good also..)

so, after the incredible workout with the master trainer..it was time to get 'hot'..haha. for the first time, i actually took about 15 minutes to style my hair, and about 10 minutes to put on my clothes. i was actually lost on to what to wear..and i think i'd actually make an impact on the night..

we headed off to cititel for dinner..but before that, stopped by at janis's place for...my second present. well, i accidentally let it slipped that it was my big day cos she did notice my wide wide grin..and when i headed over to her place, i thought she wanted to pass me the dvd for the training...but instead, i have a new yoga mat, from her, again. it's lovely, and i will use it to conduct balance classes, eventually..haha

at cititel, we dined like there was no tomorrow. in fact, i had barely made it into the main course after 1 hour. i was so preoccupied eating everything else like the sashimi, the tempura, the sushi and everything else except the main course.. in fact, i took 4 oysters the througout the night. then, the guys decided to provide us (me and rooney) with birthday cake(s) assembled from the cakes from the buffet..haha. it was so sweet of them, and i was surprised that they even brought candles to the dinner..haha

and oh, it was a double celebration for the night too, cos we decided to celebrate rooney's lunar birthday too. he's a sweet guy who happens to be younger from me by two weeks..haha. and it just so happen that this year, his lunar birthday and my gregorian birthday is on the same day..haha. isn't it cute.

so, after the long dinner (we finished bout 10.30), we decided to head over to babylon again for drinks. as i had taken a solemn vow to abstain myself from clubbing, babylon seemed to be the best option. but things weren't very lively there. we had a round of drinks, but there was nothing much that we could do..so, we decided to call it a night after spending about an hour there..

however...my night went on for another couple of hours..haha. rooney, chris and i headed over to mcd's gurney for a drink after there, and spent about an hour talking. it was very insightful, and very deep also. it's also amazing to find out that rooney is an excellent judge of character, when he could describe my personality to the point. gosh, even my close friends couldn't point that out...haih

so, all ended well for my 'little' birthday party. i dare say that it's one of the best that i've got...especially in the recent years. in fact, i am so thankful for them to actually celebrate it with me...

blessed are the friends who treasures each other..
blessed also, are the one who have friends as such..

thank u guys!!
je t'aime

ben

will upload the pictures soon!!

earth, earth, i love you...

argh.. i wanted to upload more pictures for my KL trip.. guess that'll just have to wait. probably it's a sign telling me to update u readers with my pathetic life..

firstly, there is nothing harder to do than to restrict yourself from doing the thing that u love. remember me saying that i shall stop singing.. well, it's the third day now. initially, i have to constantly bite my lower lip just to prevent the sound from coming out.. then, i resorted to slapping. but nothing is more painful than the soul itself. especially when the song happens to be your favourite, and u have to remind yourself not to sing a single not. there were times when i slipped (and slapped).. but i shall continue!!

it's earth day today. what have you done? admittedly, i didn't do much. apart from the usual recycling that we do (sorting out newspaper), there is not much 'environment conciousness' in my house. (try telling a 74 year old lady what earth day is!!). but i tried. my house is very dark now... (turned off the lights to save energy), and i promised not to turn on the air conditioner tonight...so, i guess that little may help??

so, i've registered for balance training. soon, i'll be teaching balance back in penang (i hope). in the mean time, mich is also trying to promote me as a yoga master. happy in a way, but at the same time, i still doubt my capability. probably i should start a class and get the hang of it.. probably i'll do it in the botanical gardens this weekend.

i finally found caterpillars on my lime plant. am so happy with that.. finally, my purpose of planting the lime plant has been fulfilled. i just can't wait for the papillionide to develop. will it be just the common lime?? or another clubtail? only time will tell..

just finished the only paper i have to sit for today. relatively ok, not too simple, not too hard either. viva is next week. i don't even know how to prepare.. what slides to prepare...argh. everyone seems to have faith in me.. and telling me how happy and radiant i look... am i??

well, i guess enough for the time being.. enjoy the day.. and probably drop me a line if u have done anything for earth day..

ciao
je t'aime, le monde
ben

screwed up experiment...

i guess perhaps that's the best thing to describe what i am. probably when the higher powers decided to created me, the weren't sure of what to do, hence they screwed up. or perhaps this is the punishment for an inter-racial marriage (no offence to my parents). but this much i can say, i am a screw up..

here are a few points on why i would say so.. (was thinking of this while i was riding home from gym..hehe)
1. well, i love music. i love to sing. i can still carry a tune..but the bad part, i don't have a voice to sing. i don't have an original voice, always stuck in falsetto, and sounds aweful. wonder what was the higher power thinking when it was 'creating' my voice box
2. besides singing, i love to dance also. i was interested in classical dance, and now, some contemporary dance.. however, this passion have to take a backseat during high school, when i thought that i had two left feet. but being back in the picture is not too good either. i was told that i don't convey the passion and the energy in my dance...now, o' higher power..is this any better than having two left feet??
3. the higher powers decided to give me intelligence. i strived hard and made it to the ivory towers..but now, i don't have a job. i'm to fend for myself with nothing in hand.. is this for your enjoyment??
4. i must say, i have a rather good eye for fashion. in fact, i could tell out fabrics, match colours and patterns...but the higher powers decided not to give me the talent in drawing..
5. long ago, a little boy had the dream of being a model...but he wasn't model behaviour. hence, he learned the catwalk, developed a keen sense of fashion, and changed his image...now, time passed. the little boy changed..but guess the higher powers had the upper hand as they didn't wanna hand him charisma and stage presence...
6. then, the higher powers also decided to ruin the little boy's life by restricting his heart. now, the grown boy couldn't find his heart, and couldn't afford to love or shower anyone with affection....besides, the higher power also decided that the little boy doesn't deserve to be loved..haha

well, this was all i could think off in 20 minutes from the gym. when i reached home, i was wondering..am i lucky? or perhaps the guy with down syndrome is happier than i am.. perhaps he's better, as he's void of stress and not bugged down with all the emotional baggage....

then it came to mind.. will i be better off if i continue with what i am doing? or perhaps i should change radically. actually, the thought of being a monk and renouncing the world have been playing in my head for quite a while. there's a part in me that says that there is nothing left here for me, and i should just go be a monk... but there's also this part of me that is not ready and is still attached to worldly affairs..

guess i should enhance my cultivation, and perhaps one day, i'll take the road less travelled.

until then, perhaps i'll share some good news.. i am going for the body balance training next month. the chance is finally here..and i am seizing the moment. however, i must add, this decision didn't come easily. a few days ago, i was so tempted to just forget about going for any training, or having associating myself with anything to do with yoga, balance, or jam...but i guess the higher powers decided otherwise again...haih

is this some sort of sick joke? to screw up my life? or am i just another screwed experiment in the faulty lab of yours??? perhaps i'll be better off as a butterfly.. or heck, being my pet dog is even better than being me...

well, sorry for the emo post after all the joyous moment from the concert. perhaps all the euphoria have finally disappeared and now, it's back to the relative reality of mine...

ciao
je t'aime (again, seriously?? i have no faculty to love...)
ben

weight issues

i guess the fact that knowing that i've lost weight will eventually make me put on more. when i found out that i was nearly approaching my target, i was really really happy. somehow, when i weighed myself today, i found out that i've put on 2 kilos.
probably it's all the merry making, the eating fiestas.. and the out of hand feasting on mcd's sundae (choco top). seriously, when i get back to penang, i must really double my workout. but then again, is it worth it???