So much has been said about love. The wonderful feeling, the magic, etc etc. But do we really know what is love? What is that emotion that hit you when you see someone attractive? Is it love or lust? Is it infatuation? or is that going to be the love of your life? I can honestly say that no one is certain on what is love, and how it is supposed to feel. But one thing for sure is that, when the love has ended, the misery and pain is just going to be very, very hard to bear. Believing is one thing, trusting is another, and finally, experiencing is the last part of it.

Never did cross my mind that I will be writing back here again so soon. It was after reading several blogs (prompted by a close friend)that I suddenly felt the urge to put down some thoughts onto this digital space. I came across something poignant, the developments of friendship and relationship. This was after reading the blog of a close bud, and his lovely partner. Sure, there's been a lot of ups and downs, but that didn't stop them. There is love going on, and I personally witnessed the love. It did get me thinking lots, and somehow, one thought came into mind. I am tired. Tired to be the shining beacon for everyone. Tired of being there for friends, people, colleagues, affiliates, workers, and everyone else. Also, I am tired of becoming the shoulder for everyone else. I realised that I was the shoulder for many other people, both guys and gals. But at the end of the day, I am alone, lost without a shoulder of my own. No one to give me comforting words, no one to wrap its arms around me assuring that everything will be ok. I am normally self reliant and independent enough to pull myself through the day, but I guess it doesn't hurt once a while to show that I am also weak. Having explored the same blog, I can't help but to feel a little guilty, and am wondering if I did the right thing. Although not directly linked to a situation, I am, however, partly responsible for the falling out of a particular friendship. I don't know if I made the right choice by giving advice, or saying the right thing.. but I certainly didn't mean to destroy certain friendships. Can't help but to feel it's me... On another note, finally got rid of some old 'baggage'. These people are no longer important, and holds no effect to my life anymore. Besides, I don't think they will ever have the same thoughts about me when they decided to end what we had.. Life goes on. Probably it's apt to say thank you, one last time, as one of the person that I removed used to read this blog. But then, I must also say that it is good riddance. Your present fame may take you far, but remember, those who burn the brightest also burn the fastest. One day, when all is dead and gone, and when the dust had settle, you will come to realise the worth of genuine friendship without expectations. But then, telling you this is also like pouring water onto a duck's back. It will never stay. Over a conversation with my bestie, I guess I finally said it. I will only love again when a person sings the dolphin song, when the moon turns red, and when the river Jordan parts for the second time. Hahaha. When commented that I am fussy, I guess I am just impossible. When I don't workout, I feel fat, lazy and useless. When I workout, I feel fat, useless and tired. <- that's my QOTD. I guess I can never overcome that self-loathing, self-hating part of me. I will never come to terms with my body, and I guess it is working to my advantage as other people also cannot come to terms with my body. haha. Random musing: when is a good time to leave all worldly desires behind, and lead a spiritual life. I was thinking of this last night, and wondered if I should just give up everything and move to a monastery now, or shall I wait until I finish my PhD, and then end it all then... Still thinking. I once mused on the story that I would like to tell... probably now that I've come so far, I'd rather that there are no stories being told, and me existence just be erased, without a trace. Until the next time (and I can't tell when) Ciao [Q]

520

this post was supposed to be written last night, but i was so tired after the journey back from KL that i couldn't bring myself to compose my thoughts here. the 4 hour ride from KL back to Penang is no good. i spent most of the time staring off the window, looking into space. i conjured enough images in my head to put me back in my place. i brought out the demons and the monsters, to reaffirm that i am just but another monster. i realised that no matter how much i try to reinvent myself, i try to break free, i try to take chances, i am still very much stuck with the monster that i am now. my only solace would be music, but i do wonder.. what is my limit? when will i finally crack and shatter? the fool. in the tarot, the fool is the first card of the major arcana. he can be seen walking near a cliff, never stopping to ponder. he believes in his faith, and will go wherever his path takes him. however, one false look, and the fool will fall. similarly, i was dealt this card over the weekend. i was the fool. furthermore, i took the leap, and i fell. into the abyss of darkness, i did fall. i do wonder why am i so foolish.. but that is what you get when the heart overtakes the mind. again, i lost my rational thought, and done something that i am not proud of.. my saving grace.. i can still walk out from the flames of hell, unscathed. probably this time, i may have burnt a little off my skin, but i am still unharmed. i am still pure. the tears of my misery is still able to put off the fires of hell, and of desire and passion. probably i will forever keep this memory, never wanting it to fade.. but i know.. i survived hell. some random thoughts. man are selfish. it is born within them so that they can survive in this world. random thought 2: what on earth are those people wearing? come on! it is a freaking workout! not a fashion runway. such pretentious people. probably this is the reason why i am very much comfortable with my hometown rather than being in such a pretentious city. random thought 3: i should have reaffirmed my faith and discipline of not finding my own happiness, unless all the others around me are happy. lost. broken ben last random thought: i wonder what would be the stories told, when i pass on? many people know me.. but not everyone knows every single part of me. in fact, no one knows every single part of me.. what will i be? how will i be remembered?

it will rain

turns out that the dry spell is here to stay. just when i was hoping for some rain, or at least a drizzle, the powers that be decided that it shouldn't happen. this dry spell has been going on for far too long. when will it all end? or will it ever end?
am i to live continuously suffering the long heat of summer?
or will i finally get to taste the sweet rain on my tongue?

injection or rejection, they used to ask. i used to fear both. now, i guess i shall make peace with both. sometimes, things are just not meant to be. just like how i decided that one seed shouldn't bloom, another tree will also decide not to blow it seeds my way.

come to think of it, i shouldn't be unhappy. yes. age is slowly catching up on me. in fact, i am slowly starting to become a joke myself. but at least, i should be proud of who i am. but then, is that the case?

why is it that hard to believe that i am introverted? is it that hard to see from my personality? i am also socially awkward. and i guess that is not helping for whatever that i want to achieve.

two heartbreaks in 3 days. i can manage that. i hope.

i just wish that it will rain

for auld lang syne

as the last day of 2011 fast gives way to the night, i can't help but to feel a little sad. sad that another day has just gone by. sad that another year has just gone by. sad that i can't seem to be in a position that is more comfortable than the previous year. but can i complain? perhaps not. i'll just take this moment to do a little flashback on what happened over the year. some may not be interesting, but is pivotal in making me who i am this time.

firstly, i lost my job. well, probably 'lost' is the wrong term, but 2011 is the year that i gave up on my job and took a giant leap of faith. i went back to my studies. i would say that it was opportune, as things were starting to go downhill. the changes and its momentum in my workplace wasn't favourable to me anymore. on the other hand, efforts to continue my studies also fell into place. it was timely that i was offered a fellowship, and i was also offered the opportunity to learn from one of the best supervisors around. lastly, i was lucky that there are still many people out that that will take care of me, even when i am out of office. i know you may not read this, but here is my heartfelt appreciation to dr leong, prof chan, dato' anwar, rashidah, dr liew and salma.

you win some, you lose some. with the change of direction, 2011 also marks my deep involvement in activism in various organizations. i was offered the position of council member of PHT. my involvement with FRIENDS also increased, and the efforts will continue into the next year. hopefully, i will be able to do more to contribute to these societies. on another front, i have also become actively involved in sexual rights of Malaysians. while i may not be actively participating in their activities, nevertheless i did manage to voice out quite a lot in their online forum.

2011 also saw my fall from grace and innocence in life. i became more active on certain sites, and finally saw my emotions thrown into a rollercoaster, driven off control. in the end, i didn't lose much. probably only my faith in trying again.

2011's birthday was a disaster. it was the worst birthday of my life that i hope will never happen again. it's a birthday that didn't surprise me, but just ruined me so much. there were no birthday cakes. there were no presents. all there was were heartbreak and disappointment

2011 is the poorest year of my life. i have to learn how to conserve my resources so that i can make for the following year.

this year started with a visit to japan. in april, it was hanoi and halong bay. in july, it was bali. sadly, i didn't make it to sri lanka in october. if things were only better then.

the year also saw me become more and more awkward socially. i can't stand social occasions any better, and would like to retreat to my cave of peace and tranquillity.

i guess this is all that i would want to remember now. i need to go. but i certainly won't forget about 2011, and probably will just drink to it tonight.
cheers

happy 2012. and yes, 2011, i love you.

Something Good....

This post caught me by surprised. in fact, the whole flow of emotion tonight caught me by surprise. i should be sleeping now, but instead, i am overwhelmed to a certain extend. let's see.. me, in my usual nightly FB nosy-ing, saw this video posted up by a friend. i clicked on it, and this dude was singing 'Something Good' from the Sound of Music. to be honest, it wasn't good. It was fantastic. his voice, his control, and his emotions.. and then, i was caught.

you see, Something Good is one of those pieces that's forever etched in a little brain cell of my mind. the scene, whereby Maria and Capt Von Trapp stand in the gardens. looking at each other (with that loving glow), and how they burst into the song. I have sang that song so many times. in the shower, in the car, at home. but mostly, i sing it when i am feeling sad. i sing it to remind me that probably somewhere in my wicked childhood, i must have done something good. i sing that, being hopeful, that something good would happen to me (of course, nothing good ever happens to me). one can't blame me for being hopeful, right.

that's when suddenly, i have this flood of emotions. i feel like bursting out to tears. thinking over each and every single line of the song.. i am reminded that my life is not that sweet after all. i have yet to get beyond my past, and move on to embrace the present and anticipate the future. i have yet to find the person that will love me, whether it should or could.. good things, i have done not little.. and yet, where is my something good.

Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. This was what i used to tell myself too.. NOTHING EVER COULD. then if nothing can happen, then why am i all bitter and sorrowful? and then, i come to think again.. when the singer sings 'for there you are, standing there, loving me', i can imagine.. what he sees and feel at the moment. to you and your loved one (which i know.. yes, i know). i wish you luck and all the best. and to you. you are damn lucky to have such an amazing person to dedicate such a beautiful song to you. again, i wish i could trade places with you.. but then, NOTHING EVER COULD.. haha. hence, i wish that you would treasure your keep, and wish you joy and happiness all the way.

ciao

fallen

after the whole situation, i guess i have finally fallen. i am not strong enough anymore. i am not cruel enough, not mean enough, and certainly not young enough to face it anymore. it consumed a little too much of me, and it was partly my doing..

4 times

blank.

days and nights are getting longer and harder to bear..

suddenly, by chance, by luck? or pre-arranged? i finally see the truth, and the light. i can finally see the other half now. 7 months now... congrats

you

you, of all people, decided to show up at this time. well, i respect human rights, but why must you be there. you could always be somewhere else, with somebody else. and yet, you showed up. right in front of me. and what does my keeper says?? go dance, and initiate conversation. you were not dancing, and you disappeared before i knew it. how would i to do the following? and futher still, i would regret it no matter what. so, let's just keep it at status quo... btw, i just have to say, you look really good tonight. ever as charming, ever as alluring, and yet, ever as far to reach as ever.
i was never born to reach your standards, i was never born to be on par with you. i was never born to be with you. then, why do you still appear to remind me of the things that i shouldn't exists for. i know, that i cease to exists, things would be so much better for so many. besides, you would never know nor care that whether i exists or not. i am never in your radar..
typing this tonight is really hard, as i am really drunk. i have doused myself crazy with the wine from the club, and add on those that i took from home, it is insane. well, i am longing for this sensation. at least, it takes me away from everything. let me lead a carry free life, whereby all worries and sorrow is gone, replaced by a half sober mind. at least, you are the last thing in my mind before i pass...

i should have seen what i was... the butt of jokes. i should have stayed by a sudden epiphany that i shouldn't go for gatherings involving more than 4 ppl. probably, that will keep me sane. i am not myself. i don't wanna be who i am today!! i wanna die.... i wanna let go of everything and move on. nothing is worth cherishing every moment. every moment is a burden for me... i just wanna pass on.. whereby things will be better, hopefully.

guess i will still become the wallflower that i ever will be. never seen. never known, i will forever be the one that is despised, that is overlooked, that is ignored, and that is shadow. no matter how much i climb into the limelight, i fall short of reaching the destination, for darkness finds it easier to stand in between me and whatever i want.

what's the point of looking good?? what's the point of dressing up? what's the point of putting the effort to look a little better, when all you end up is misery?? this world is only meant for certain people, and i certainly am not in the list. you look good, no matter what you put on and what you do. you are perfect, and i'd wish you that you would notice me. but no.... hahaha, silly dreams!! teenage dreams that shouldn't have happened
again, why YOU!! YOU, of all people, should be there. you!! you!! i don't know to love you or to hate you!! but you!! you are the cause of my misery tonight, and yet you will never know...YOU WILL NEVER KNOW..
these tears are for you. thank you, and you are most welcomed.. you, the one that will never know

D.I.V.A

I saw the banner to my blog. it says D.I.V.A. that stands for divine, intimidating, vain and attractive. sadly, the present me is no longer any of those persona. i am no longer what i used to be, and i can't say that i am happy being who i am now.

fate has a funny way on working on people. hence, i believe in karma. i believe that for every action, there is a reaction. probably not in this lifetime. probably from another past. but there are some ppl that i owe.. and now they are back in my life, waiting for payment. i guess how many ppl more do i have to repay before i can move on. how many people more to shatter me, break me into pieces, and turn me to waste before i am done with.

everytime i sink into a bout of depression, i feel that i am one step closer to my end. but everytime i long for the end, it will never come. will i ever come to the end of my story, to finally put a stamp on these pages, and start a different book? i've been stuck on this chapter over and over again, and i couldn't move on. every year, it gets harder on me..

how do people know my name. how do people get to know me before even allowing me to know them? why do people know me, and expect me to be great? expect me to be fantastic? expect me to become something that i am not? why? how? i want a stop.

is it ever that hard to ask for something simple? something very basic like getting you to surprise me? pick me up for dinner or a movie? take me somewhere away? being able to pay for me, and make me feel pampered? i am not asking for the sun, the moon and the stars. and yet, i get nothing in return. maybe i should ask for the sun, the moon and the stars. only then, will i see where i belong.

death. insanity. vile. agony. this star is dying, and nothing can be done to restore it. its only last wish is that it can go out with a boom...

burnt in flames

everyone has a special ability. i am not talking about the ability to fly, or to see through walls, but the ability to make changes, and makes a person stand out. i too, had one. i thought, at least, i had.
but now, i have come to realise that i also have the ability to fade out. to tune out, and to disappear into the background.
the feeling of having seated in the corner of a club, filled with people, and still not get noticed, not a single hi, not a single smile, amazing.
the feeling of clearing the jam-packed dance floor within minutes, amazing.
where do i go? where do i stand? what do i do? sometimes, i don't know..

i am not sure if i have blogged on karma before, but now, i have come to realise that one cannot beat karmic forces. although one may be able to reduce the karmic forces, make amends, and lighten it, certain forces will come back in time to haunt you. perhaps, my time is now. the karmic forces are returning, and i have no one to talk to.. no one to turn to. no shoulder to rest my weary head. no arm to wrap around me, to assure me that everything is going to be ok. the time is now..

over the past week, i placed some emphasis on setting the foundation right. but even the sturdiest foundation, may give way. as a bystander, i am not sure what to feel to see a bridge collapse and fall. but having seen how it has taken a toll on so many issues, probably it should be a closure. is it a berlin wall? or is it a commoner's bridge. only time will tell.

the look, the hair, the style, the skin, the face, the charm, the charisma, the wealth, the company, the surrounding.. how i wish i could trade place with you, and be you. but i know, it won't happen. i can never be you, and certainly not a part of you. i will never exist in your dictionary.. however, you are still able to draw out the deepest darkest feelings that i have sealed in my secret labyrinth. i must say, you are certainly amazing. if only we had a different set of fate..

although i have grown to love myself, there is also an opposite force of self-loathing that i can't help. i hate every aspect of myself. most importantly, i hate my physical appearance. it is the worst torture, and the worst suffering a man could handle. in this skin, i bleed the hardest. in this skin, i hurt the most. my only consolation, that i am the last of the line, and i will not allow this physical and mental suffering to continue in generations to come.

Giving up

Love. I have never given up on love. despite the many sorrows that come with it, i still believe in the sanctity of love. i still believe in the powers that come with love. how it can change the course of history. how it can change a person's heart. what i have given up is to find love for myself. everytime i seek, i end up on the losing end. i end up losing faith. i end up losing myself, and all the people that surrounds me at that moment. if there is any doubt if i had lost the will to love, yes. but i still believe in love. i still believe in waiting for the right person to come. but i also believe that it may not happen to me in this lifetime. so, i shall learn to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on.

fairytale romances are for little kids. kids with bubbles built from reading these storybooks. falling asleep waiting for the right person to come. some kids never grow out of it. whereas, some are exposed to the dark side of romances. the side that bears envy, jealousy and resent. i guess i still harbour a little hope for romance to happen, but i have also seen the dark side, and i am trying not to let these things take over my life. dreams are easily shattered, and i should learn to wake up and stop dreaming

ciao

how do...

how do you help to mend a broken heart? when you can't even mend your own.
how do you tell the truth? when everyday you are living a lie.
how do you live every waking moment? hoping that death comes knocking the next second.
how do you love another? when loving yourself is so hard.
how do you speak? how do you walk? how do you think? how do you act?
how do other hear? how do others see? how do others comprehend? how do others react?

it's amazing how we lead our lives. how we do things. how we even react to certain things. i know i have not been easy. but live hasn't been kind on me either. everytime i seek closure for something, life messes it up.
everytime i wanna open something, life messes it up too.
is this how Murphy's law supposed to work?
is this the pleasure gained from the powers that be?
to ruin me? to make me miserable? to make me suffer? to see me hurt?

at this junction, i wonder
do i close the door? do i seal my windows? do i freeze my palace?
or do i even continue to leave it open, letting the last bit of heat to warm?
do i continue to stare out, looking at summer love?
or do i place my heart out, waiting for the winter cold?

tears i have none, regrets i have a tonne
sometimes i see all, but at the same time, i see none
how strange, i wonder
as we go closer, we drift further apart.

ciao

MESS

am trying to reopen a can of worms here, and see how much i can let loose. probably it will help me learn better, probably it'll remain just the same.

i've been a mess. a wonderful mess. it is exceptional that it could have been perfect. never have i, in my 26 years of existence, have to go to the emergency ward 3 times in a row. while the first one was just as a company, i nearly died during the second and third times. i do wonder, why do i keep on hurting so much. already, emotional and mental anguish is hard to bear daily, i have to couple it with physical pain? to the point that i had to be admitted to the hospital for 4 days for observation and treatment for tonsillitis. i do wonder when can all these predicament end. as i have expressed my desire for a tonsillectomy in the near future, let's hope that it will be a closure to all the pain and suffering that i've had.

seriously, from the first night we met, it seemed like i've offended the whole universe, and it is now out to get me. was it sheer coincidence? or is it a fragment of my imagination, i seriously don't know. things are going from bad to worse. will my death be the ultimate answer to your existance in my life? the flu, followed by the lymph nodes and tonsil inflammation, followed by the fall, the dehydration, the tonsillitis and fever, and possibly now, a skin allergy. why have i got to bear all the punishment while you enjoy the pleasure?

sometimes, i don't understand. why do you want to keep me in ur guard? is it because i am easy going, easily conned, easily pursuaded? or just to naive to give everything. from money, to time to effort. all just to satisfy what you need. even when i am lying nearly dead on the hospital bed, you had to get what you want. the reality is, i can't even support myself. how am i supposed to support another person. what kind of mess have i got myself into

everytime we talk, sms, or interact, it has always been about you. you. you. you and you only. it was never about me. and when i put me, i get sidelined, pushed away, and replaced by you. while i have never complained about this before, it did make me realise that it is not worth my while. then, how do i pull away. what is the difference between me and your friend? aren't we all bound by the hooks and webs that you laid when we first met? i don't know

there's going to be a new change in my life. i am now back as a student in the university, and hopefully will obtain my masters in 2 years, or possibly a direct doctorate in 5. am praying for the latter. well, i guess the transition time is also good for me to review my priorities in life. they should go as such: studies, gym, health and family. i will, once again, remove love from the whole equation as i don't want anymore distractions.

let's just be friends, ok?

people said that i've changed. especially when i am with you. probably i do. probably i am more tolerant, more silent, more bearable. but is it because i am the only person trying to make things work? probably i should stop all those lies and return to what i was previously.

enough for now, as i am getting really tired. antibiotics are no good for the system, and yet i have to take them like candies thanks to a simple mistake. tonsils. seriously, for the proponent of evolution: why is mankind so stupid to retain useless pieces of body for eventual removal?

why do we hurt? how do we stop the pain?

ciao
ben

crossroads

again, i find myself confunded by hecate's schemes. i am standing at the crossroads again, wondering what to do. which path should i take, and which journey will be the best for me. i know for certain that all of them will eventually lead me to the realm of hades, but i certainly want to take the road that is least painful and least hurtful.

a month. apart from the first time, there is nothing left. probably lust works stongest when you first meet. it will eventually die off, leaving you nothing but a sad memory. although we've been out together so many times, i fail to notice my retaining power. i fail to see how am i going to maintain you. i know that money is certainly buying your love now, but where do we go when the money ends. am i, but just a fool??

i have to keep on being something that i am not, just to ensure that you will be happy. just to ensure that you will be with me. but is this worth it?? will i never get to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore? or will i never get to admire myself anymore?? i always wonder about the end of the day. well, i guess i should be wondering so much, consider the day has already ended when we meet.

learning to let go. probably i should do so when i still love you. they say, short term pain is much better than a prolonged pain. probably we should just break it off when the time is still favourable. but how do i bring myself to tell this to you? i don't wanna lose a friend. but i don't wanna lose my senses and my life.

hair. eyes. arms. body. leg. hair. torso

there is nothing that i can do now but humbly surrender myself to the will of the powers that be. i guess i am ready to take the challenge. i am, but a small piece of rook in this ever big game of chess..

ciao

i am not happy

i think it is kinda rare to find me putting my emotions on my heading. but i guess now, why hide? yea. i am not happy. and i am not ashamed to admit it. i have never been truly happy, and things are certainly not looking any brighter now.

turning 26.. guess what, it was one of the lousiest birthday of my life. every year, it gets worst. perhaps i am expecting a little more. perhaps there shouldn't be a compromise. but things turned totally against me, despite the attempts of friends to make it work for me. i guess my desire for surprise did come true. just that it wasn't a very pleasant surprise. however, there is no one that i could blame, for it is only me wanting everything to be better.

i am not happy on my chances (or lack of) in getting one of the most coveted scholarships in malaysia. it was a risk that i dared for, but it has fallen out of my favour. probably i am expecting a little too much. again, it is just me, and my perceptions. however, i didn't give up, as i did go for another attempt somewhere else. heck, if m'sia doesn't want me, perhaps somewhere else would want me..

i am not happy with work. in fact, i haven't done much over the couple of days, as i prefer to idle my time on other matters such as the queen's coronation (which by the way, is the most spectacular thing that i have ever witnessed). i understand the lack of motivation as a sub-expression of my emotional control, but the working environment is not exactly conducive for me, nor motivating for me to strive further.

emotions. they tend to overwhelm me. again, i was brought to realise that i expect a little more, and the present situation is not as desired. hence, i am not happy. if only things could change. if only i don't have to waste that much time, energy and financial resources. probably i should just take a step back and revert to my original self, and atone for my sins.

i am not happy. i have sinned, and i don't know how to atone for it. i shouldn't have loved at the first place, and i shouldn't have harboured love. love, passion and desires are sins that are consuming me. bringing me closer to the flames of hell. if only i know of redemption.

ciao

my last day...

ok, the title did come off a little dramatic. no worries, i am not ending my life. just reminiscing some of the happenings of my 25th year of existence. after that, am starting again at 26, and i do wonder what is in store for me...

25. the year of taking risks. one too many risks, and one too many mistakes. i never expected it to be that way, and all the hurt and pain was too great to bear. but i think i must move on. but then, i also do wonder, why isn't the powers that be allowing me to move on. i hate all those tricks that you are playing on me. i'm starting to take baby steps and you put a whole freaking stumbling block in front of me. are you trying to tell me that i am going into a pithole again? will i ever see the sunshine? or will i forever be trapped in this darkness..

gaga says: everyone is beautiful in their own way cos God makes no mistakes.
i say: Gaga is wrong. God's only mistake is me.. but no worries, his mistake will not last long.

purity is, but the past now, as i write. although i don't regret it, i will also not deny the conflict deep within. will i fail to walk the paths of the enlightened?

is a house really a home without love? denied in the song, i am starting to feel the same here. what are my options? how do i leave? will i be able to pack up, and just walk out of this place, leaving this misery forever? will i be able to support myself to walk away, and to never look back. i want tabula rasa. but is tabula rasa even available? can i severe all relations, all ties, all friends, and all family.. to start anew?

let's hope there are some new developments for my 26th year. like i've mentioned before, i only saw myself living up to 25. i don't even see anything between 26 to 30..or even beyond that.

lastly, i can't help but to feel as if i'm walking onto this huge wall. i gave my all. ditch my ego, dropped my defences, and lay down my weapons. and what do i get in return? walls and walls. probably by the end of the day, i wil end up rebuilding my freaking fort, with a shattered core. all over again. is it worth it? i don't know

[i see you both side by side on FB chat!! WTF!!]

happy jar (my first 26th birthday gift). but will i be happy?? haha. anyway, thanks for the thought. i do agree, it's not simple to buy things for me. but i wasn't expecting anything anyway. all i wanted was just good company. precious friends that will be there, one way or another, for me.

friends.

just friends.

(B)e (I)n (T)otal (C)ontrol of (H)im [saw this on a printed tee.. kinda cute, but i just don't dig printed tees]

argh!! i still freaking see you....

anyway, i guess that's all i have for tonight. may want to post something just before i turn 26.. probably, if the conditions permit

ciao

motions

i guess i can never stop feeling the fatigue and the lethargy that life has bestowed upon me. everything seems to be changing so fast. the pace is so rapid that sometimes, i am left behind the chase. seriously. should i even be chasing the change? or just ignore it and remain status quo? sadly, life is not an island, where change can be resisted, or just drowned with the water. tell me how am i to cope..

a friend is finally gone. as my friends suggested, i guess i should acknowledge the feeling. yes, i did love. and i am happy that i did, for now, i carry this love with me knowing that this person is happier at the new place. it may be hard, but i have learnt to wish happiness and joy to this person, for that is the power of love.

but then again, what about myself. am i moving in the right direction? is it love of lust that is driving me? how much and how long can i go? is it even the right choice? or is it a choice of desperation? i can see that things are good, but am i even ready to make such changes in my life?

nevertheless, some things did have change. i guess i am happy that it all happened when i'm still 25, and 25 is certainly a wonderful year. but is it for real? it was certainly, and i did take the extreme chance. doing things beyond my norm. but am i going too fast? too far? to extreme? i don't know. what i do know is someone is proud of me that i am growing up. but am i certain that i've grown??

i don't believe in god. but at this point, i just need more strength from whoever and whatever, to help me move on with life. i admit that i am fragile, hence i need all the support that is available. will you support me?

ciao

the social butterfly

the social butterfly, fluttering from one table to one table, exchanging greetings, sharing a toast, bursting with laughter and smiles... but deep down, there lies a bigger lie. the social butterfly is not happy. the social butterfly is nearing death. if only the social butterfly can pick itself up, and fly towards the flame, allowing it to be consumed, and reduced to ashes and dust.. if only it had.

sick. fatigue. lethargy. probably these words can best descibe me now, and in fact, most of the time. i am so sick of this thing called life, as it is leading me no where. where are the ups? and where are the downs? and how do we differentiate it? probably for an introvert like me, the up periods should be those when i am alone, reeling in my own energy. if that's the case, then why ain't i happy?

fatigue. my body is telling me that i should be wasting it that much. i should learn how to take care of it. but am i listening? do i want to listen? and can i afford to listen? everyone desires for some achievement in a certain period of time. milestones, they call it. it is now the 3rd of April. exactly a month until i turn 26. but what are my milestones, and have i achieve what i've set out to get? did i manage to change my life? nothing. instead, all i have is this whole sense of fatigue, making me wish that i can lie on the bed for a long long time without waking or moving. eternel sleep, how i wish it can come to me.

lethargy. my mind is fried. my emotions are burnt, and my strength is spent. i've tried stepping out of my comfort zone, taking the various chances. all i get are just rejections, one after another. probably it is time that i call it quits, and set forth to renounce what i've got. probably a solitary life, devoid of temptations and mundane influences, is what i need to attain inner peace.

ever so often, i have to be the caring one. the one, where his shoulders are ready to support the burdens of the world. the one, where i open the door, allow you in, pamper you, shower you with attention and love. the one that is everything but all that i set out to be. when will i ever get to lie on someone's shoulder, pouring my heart out to it? when will someone hold the door, or tell me that it'll be there waiting for me? when will the person be able to take me into its arms, without caring about my looks, my skin, my colour, my religion, and my wallet. there is still a part of me that hopes for that to happen, but as i have always thought, and maintain, good things do not happen to me.

waiting for the end to come.

if only there's someone who is willing to buy me a bottle of ice cold beer..

mirror mirror

sometimes, i do like to sit back and wonder.. why am i doing all these. what is the worth of doing all these stuff, when all i get to be is just a wallflower. i mean, come on.. i spend money trying to look better, go for facials, i dress fine, i study hard... and yet, what do i get?? a lifetime of loneliness and despair? or a mockery of my life.

i understand the need to be comfortable in my own skin. but what if my skin is not what i desire?? my greatest weakness is very apparent, and i don't deny it. in fact, i have never liked the skin that i am in, and have tried so very hard to change it, mask it and all.. and yet, when it is down to the bare essentials, it is still my skin that matters.. when will we be able to rise above and see beyond the skin?

they say that smart women find it hard to have boyfriends. does it apply for men too? i am not sure, but given my conditions, i do feel like i'm stuck in the situation. a perfectly decent conversation goes un-noticed, ignored. so, is knowledge a boon or a bane?

a look in the mirror reveals the age, the weariness, the lethargy. am i able to sustain and move on with life? or shall i call it quits? if yes, how do i quit? show me a way...

ciao

[update 23:23hrs] again, i know that i have the ability to scare someone off forever.. haha. i guess this is the so called superpower huh. to the last good man on earth, stay strong and healthy..we love you!!

[update 00:30hrs] i will want to catch you when you fall, and you are certainly worthy of it. however, i know that there will be other angels lining up nearby, spreading their wings to protect you. i shall take leave with my mortal frame, wishing you the best

blind

i guess this post is long overdue. although i did want to write something here, i can never muster the courage, the time or the strength to write my thoughts here. i have the weird sense of insecurity, and i guess it is harming me in more ways than ever.

i guess i've finally learnt how to let you go. i am no longer obsessed with you. in fact, you have faded so seamlessly that i don't remember where, when or how. it was never a doubt that the moments i had with you (although very brief) were beautiful. just like you, simply beautiful. however, i don't think that i will stop loving you, hence i will love you forever.

to you,thank you for allowing me to have those wonderful moments together. 3 years, and now, we are moving on. i wish you joy, happiness, and above all things, love. i know you will be better when you are gone. and that is why, i promise myself that i shall not miss you that often. again, i was blind at that moment, but my blindness will not stop me from loving you forever.

explorations. they don't work. they will never work, and i am just a natural human repellant. a few conversations, and i never hear from you again. a few sms-es, a phone call, and no more news from you. a few lines, and then, you're gone. thank you then, i say, for showing me the way. thank you also, i say, for making me realise that it is only but a short lived dream.

i don't know what are my chances anymore, but i think i am too tired to continue on. i don't wanna take it anymore, and i have had enough of this shit. if only things could work out easier for me, then i wouldn't have to be in this dilemma so often.

i only smile when i want to. i also have the 'you don't look important for me to smile at you' look (so says my friend), which i think is pretty true. so, i guess it is fate, and i shall learn to accept it. come what may, i say. come what may.

i am so blind i guess i will never see the light. i should learn to refocus. at this moment, i am already dumping a lot of my attachments, and moving on to a higher level of realisation. i hope that i do not falter in this quest, to reinvent a new me. i guess you can call it the final stage of Marslow's heirarchy of needs. i am now going for spiritual development, and i think it is for the best.

wish me luck.

anyway, the only interesting thing that happened was that i was in Japan again, to attend the conference. as usual, it is cold, and it snowed, but i loved it to bits. however, my prayers to all those affected by the tsunami and the earthquake. i do wish that i can go there and help all i can, but i guess it is not forthcoming.

have a pleasant evening.