Graduation pix

Graduation

It's finally happened. 3 years ago, i stepped into the university as a freshman. 3 years of work, 3 years of play, 3 years of exams, 3 years of headache... and it's all over now. i'm not a graduate. happily a graduate!! haha!! and the best part, i'm blessed with superb friends to celebrate my graduation... it was such an amazing moment, just walking in front of the pro-chancellor to receive my scroll. such amazing feeling to be in the suit, with the purple robes, the golden sash, and the mortar board... so amazing.

finally had my first margarita, from chillis. and it felt like a rip off.. not that it is pricy or wat, but seriously, i'd prefer a margarita in a glass and not a mug!! heck!! anyway, will try to post up the pix on facebook..hehe

watched zohan on saturday night.. except for the ridiculous accent, the discriminatory and deregatory remarks, and the amazingly 'large' bulge, i guess the best part to wait in the whole movie is the special appearance of a certain diva. i didn't expect that, but the diva was given her extra 5 minutes of fame (besides her other many many years of fame)...so cute..

happiness is relative, i know, but i guess i better pause, breath and re-examine happiness. i had a really fun time yesterday, being together with this person.. but i guess i should stop. no point pursuing happiness which do not belongs to me. mich, when u are reading this, i hope that u will be proud of my decision.

lastly, i finally found my pain recovery method.. sleep. i guess my systems now finally know how to shut down and prevent me from pain.. i slept from 8.30 last night until 7 this morning (about 10.5 hours), and i guess it managed to deflect the temporary pain and sadness..

and like i said, my emotions are riding the rollercoster to hell...

ciao
ben

Quickie 2

Here's another quickie for the blog. don't really have the time to write long long posts anymore as i have to work hard!! seriously, there are just so many things to do...probably this is the reason why i am not feeling well (in fact, i am down with a flu, again and again).. and there's always the tightness in my neck!!

anyway, here are a few interesting things since the last blog.. firstly, bought myself a pair of nike shoes.. yay!! i know, after all this while, i finally managed to get myself a pair of nikes. but then, it's also because of the fact that my other shoe broke...haih.

watched 2 movies over the weekend. get smart, and hellboy 2. and trust me, both are really really nice movies to watch! get smart is just so funny and witty. and with anne hathaway in it, it was a superb watch. seriously, i think this role suits steve carell more than being evan almighty!! and again, they had masi oka as the nerd/geek in it. amazing how a small screen hero manage to leap into the silver screen... haih, such luck for such ppl.

hellboy is superb. some may want to compare it with pan's labyrinth, but seriously, they are products of a very very nice director. my fav character, liz, is really really nice. oh, besides, check out the angel of death. it somehow reminds me of the character from pan's labyrinth with the eyes on it's palms. haha. anyway, it was a really good watch. especially with the golden army.. (and to think that the person who destroyed the army is liz and not hellboy..haha). really cool. and check out johann krauss...

anyway, finally moved my office after 1 and a half months in the ceo's chair. seriously, that place had bad fengshui. but then, i also need to enhance the fengshui of my present seat.. haha. but i have more space now as i managed to grab the other table.. haha. so much space for such a small person.

my graduation is round the corner..yay!! actually, it's still quite far away. exactly one month away from now. but i am considering buying myself a jacket. i actually spent the whole weekend browsing for a suitable jacket.. haha. sadly, i purchased none. but then, i really love the professional look that i carry. the only thing left now is to get my hair done. am to drop by the hairdresser come this weekend!!

am now busy planning a workshop to be run at the end of the month. it is one of the greatest workshop, and will be attended by loads of hotshots. hehe. let's just hope that i will get noticed in the workshop. anyway, am also really happy that penang got listed in the unesco heritage listing. finally, due recognition is given to the lovely island of penang!!

i think i did mention about determining my 'non-existant' love life by the past weekend. somehow, the signals are still unclear, and it is driving me mad. i had never invested so much time and energy into it, yet i think it is falling into pieces. actually, when i was driving home after work yesterday, i had one of the weirdest feeling. for the first time, i am scared. i was suddenly taken aback by a sense of fear that i will lose this person. and i will be torn apart. i guess it is finally consuming me. like a moth, i perish in the flames.

ok, enough for this quickie. have to get back to work...before my internal snoop squad finds out what i am doing.. haha. yes, u would be surprised that even such a small organization have an internal snoop squad (in other words: kaypo)..haha

ciao
je t'aime
ben

from work

this is the second day at work. once again, i am really early for work again. well, all things have started out fine...and there are various upcoming meetings and events to attend, organise and manage. hopefully, i can cope well in the new environment.

exam results are out. didn't do so well this time. after all the time spent on my research (refer to previous blogs), i only managed to score a B+. am wondering if it's all worth it?? probably, but am still wondering. heck, my cgpa is so bad this time that it's nowhere 3.5!!

quarterly just ended. didn't attend, but u can feel the hype for the next launch happening soon. then, i'll have more things to study, more things to learn, and more things to do.. will i be able to make it? let's hope so!!

read about rooney in alan's blog...funny, how we all became friends. and last night, i actually had a long chat with him (2 hours ++) after gym. i guess it's amazing how a simple conversation asking him about the origins of his racer-back could turn out to having heart to heart talk with him.. i guess this is the miracle of friendship.

anyway, signing off now and will be returning to work..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

viva

my viva to present my findings will be held in 13 hours' time. slides, ready. notes, ready.. mental health...not ready
i have a lot to blog about..but probably not tonight, as i am dead tired.
well, wish me luck
ciao
je t'aime
ben
bon le viva

shattered walls

the very walls that imprisoned me was finally shattered. i have overcome the greatest obstacle that i am supposed to this year. yes, i have finally completed my dissertation. u may have read that in the previous post, but i'm currently letting the feeling sink in. you couldn't imagine the euphoria that i am enjoying now, knowing that i have broken this very wall. it's just so amazing. well, another two more weeks, and i'll be done with uni life. it's out to the corporate world, or perhaps i'll continue to pursue a higher education level... but i guess i'll let it flow...perhaps i'll just prepare a few copies of my c.v. and send them to various corporation, hoping that i'll get a job that i love. i know it's hard for me due to my 'floating' nature, but i guess i'll have to change and settle eventually.

the other wall that shattered was the very one seperating dreams and reality. while i could only use to dream, some people are making it into their reality. it finally dawn upon me that people are generally separated into two categories. either u are lucky, or u are not. while i can only dream of being a model, or owning my dream car, another is actually living my dream. this friend of mine, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, just got the dream job, the dream car, and also a man to love him. another pal, also born with a silver spade in her mouth, is actually earn per hour what others earn per day. plus, she doesn't even have to have a degree to earn such, and lead the high life.. but thankfully, i'm awaken with the crash of the wall..

a little on the recent elections. so, what is done is done. penang, and a few other state, are now under opposition rule. the government is formed by the ruling coalition with a simple majority. what's next up the line? many walls of comfort for members of the coalition were also shattered last weekend. some may take the fall graciously (kudos to dr koh for being a gentleman), others just can't seem to get the message to back off. perhaps they should seize the moment and leave with some dignity. look, the people don't want you. don't linger. as for the opposition rule, i am neither for, nor against it. i guess i'll just sit back and watch what happens. however, what saddens me is that many grassroot leaders which has done so much for the community was just given the boot, just like that. young guns have taken over, but i hope that could meet the par set by their predecessors. anyway, they should always remember, if the people can vote you in, they can always vote you out either.

after all these happenings, what overwhelmed me was the level of maturity of the 21st century malaysians. perhaps globalisation and technology have their good points after all..haha. well, it's just that the voice of the new generation is loud and clear, and some worthy malaysians can take defeat with full of grace. another thing that overwhelmed me was knowing that democracy is still alive and well in malaysia. thankfully, we do not have to go through issues like what's happening in pakistan, nigeria, and a few other countries. we may not have year long campaigns like the u.s., but we still treasure our rights fought for by our forefathers.

ok, guess i'll continue some other time. it's time for me to catch up on my beauty sleep. i know i may not have the looks, but i do not want to end up like the wicked witch in snow white...(but being a witch like paige matthews is a dream come true). well, that story another time..
ciao
je t'aime
ben

oh, and pls do take some time off to listen to some songs from my favourite diva. she's everything a diva needs to be. btw, the first song 'if walls could talk', is my favourite song from her all the time.

a new day

- i was waiting for so long, for a miracle to come. everyone told me to be strong. Hold on, and don't shed a tear.- a new day, celine dion (2002)

this phrase is just apt for my current condition. i was listening to her again this evening, and i have never been so connected to the song as today. although i've listened to this album and this song over and over again, this phrase came at the right time, telling me to hold on.

i am still stuck in the lab again, working until the break of dawn. luckily for tonight, i mananged to spend the fisrt half of the night with an old friend, hence it wasn't that bad. even managed to squeeze half an hour of mamak into my schedule. had a roti canai (i hear u guys yelling: calories!!) but i guess that will help me stay awake through the night.

met my supervisor this afternoon, and was given a lecture on my thesis. apparently, my lit. review isn't that impressive (only 8 pages), and my work was shoddy. guess i trimmed to much, trying to be as concise as ever. also, i lack proper resources to really write what i want to. it's not that i haven't been doing my homework (my other tabs are linked to some journals now), but i just don't see any work done regarding patin fish. what am i to write when i have no resources. excuses, i try not to make them. but there are times when my body, mind and soul is just so tired that i just wanna escape from all this..

somehow, today also got me thinking of a few what ifs... what if i have taken the scholarship to australia 3 years back.. would things be better? would i have to work like an ass here?? or what if i had gone to study psychology in some private college instead. will it be easier for me? i don't have to face all this shit..or what if i had asked to change my supervisor instead of just giving in into luck and fate?? ah, so many what ifs. but i guess it's too late to ponder on this. i'll just move forward, and await the new dawn. a better day. a new day.

- let the rain come down and wash away my tears. let it fill my soul and drown my fears. let it shatter the walls, for a new sun. a new day has come.-

ciao
je t'aime
ben

lazy thursday

it's 1.45 in the morning, and i am still in the lab. i know, i have been in the lab for the past few nights until really really late, but today is different. in fact, i am going to spend the night here in the lab. this is my first time spending a night in the lab. in fact, this is the first time i am overnighting in the campus. previously,i had to spend a week here for orientation (but that was before the semester started). but this is worst than orientation week. at least during orientation, i had a room (albeit shared), and proper sleeping hours. now, i can't even sleep properly as i have to attend to the machine every 1 and 1/2 hours. seriously, i really hope this sacrifice pays off.

my body is starting to send me signals telling me not to worry so much. for the past few weeks, my skin is getting bad. acne can be found all over my face and body. people have been coming up to me and tell me i looked stressed up. i just dismissed them, saying that it's the food that i've been taking. however, after these few nights, i can really see the changes. my face is getting worse. larger zits are popping up. and my sebum is acting up again. this morning, i could feel the dryness and tightness on my face. it's so bad, especially when i have to ride the motorcycle at 6.30 in the morning to head up to the campus.the crisp air nearly destroyed my face. then, there are other signs my body is telling me to rest... my nose is slowly being blocked. my throat is getting sore.my chest feels congested. shoulders are really tensed up. and my abdomen hurts intermittenly. u may think i'm a little wimpy and can't survive a few nights of extra work... but i really dread to fall ill. it's because i feel the impact of the illness almost twice as bad as a common person does. coupled with a emotional and psychological turmoil, it'll take days, and probably weeks before i could fully recover.

to top everything, my thesis is not picking up momentum. maybe it's because of me writing at this ungodly hour, but i just can't get it going. writing juices are not flowing out, and i've been staring at the same page for hours. gosh. what am i to do...

well, guess that's all for tonight. i could feel the beckoning from the comforts of my bed, but i guess i'll just have to bear with this for a few more nights. maybe i'll catch 40 winks later.

ciao
je t'aime
ben

twice-a-tuesday

today is just not right. everything seems so wrong, and everything seems to be repeating itself. firstly, i am still stuck in the lab again. just like last night. in fact, i'll have to leave later tonight, about 12.30am (i left bout 11 last night). secondly, everything that i do, i just have to do them twice. i have to weigh my samples again, run the same test again, run the same analysis again, and even studied for yet another wrongly-scheduled test. everything just seem so wrong. even the browsers for my computer needs to be clicked twice. gosh.


i've missed gym for two days now. i do wonder, is it for better or for worse? i feel more tired, and more taxed out compared to my gym sessions. besides, all this are also taxing my mind. i am running out of thoughts and ideas. even blogging now seems dreadful as i am suffering from a certain mental block..

ok, just one interesting thing...i was convinced that the campus have no good looking people at all.. until this morning. i just happen to climb the stairs to my lab, and i this guy was decending it. gosh.. he's just perfectly fine. got me startled for a moment.. and i couldn't look at him in the eye..ah.so i was proven wrong..now, i wonder if he's a student, or just an outsider. but seriously, i've never seen a chinese boy so slim, so fair, so tall, so perfect in all aspects. and his smile.. wow. and most importantly, he was dressed up formally and seemed to be glowing...(either that, or my eyes were blinded).. haha. so, good looking ppl do exist... pity none will turn their eyes to look my way.

this is in response to a comment from my previous blog. mich, it's not that i refuse help. it's just that i am not getting help at all. i am not perfect, and not all demanding. i also need help at times. and now is the time that i need the most, and i find myself doing everything alone.

enough for tonight. my mind is slowly shutting down
ciao
je t'aime
ben

uni nite

from the title, it may sound like a prom nite or a ball. but it's far from that. it's a ridiculous monday night, and i am seated in the lab typing this post at half past nine. apart from the vermins, saurians and other creatures of the night, i guess i am the only soul here, still working. all this for the sake of my final year project. often, i question.. why do i have so much to do while my peers are taking it so easy? why do others have help from their seniors while i have to do it all by myself?? then i realise, maybe this will help me in the future. maybe this will make me stronger. make me a better person. i am not even sure if research is in my blood, but i guess my stubborness and spirit will get me going..however, i am blessed to know that i have many friends and also my family supporting me. it's good to know that all these people have given me unconditional support and love, and i really can't thank them enough.

now, for the fun side of life.. went to watch step up 2 this afternoon. it's not as good as the first one, but i wouldn't say that it's bad either. they are just of different elements. however, the first one have more dance moves, whereas this one has got loads of disgusting ppl. plot is really thinner than muslin.. and the style of dancing is not exactly my liking (cos it's very break, rnb.. all of which i couldn't do). come on, a person my size wouldn't be able to spin on the head, stand on arms or even just break dance...(fear is also a factor). but there are also a few good scenes like the latin dance. the salsa is one of the most flirtatious dance, and it's also my fantasy to dance like that. my ideal partner should be able to dance and seduce me on the dance floor.. haha. all in all, just an ok movie.. however, one thing really swooned me over.. the lead guy's teeth. and his smile. gosh, his teeth is so perfect and white...ahh...

ok, apparently i shouldn't teach yoga for free.. but who would want to pay an amateur to teach. guess i'll forever be just the member on the floor. but i guess it's just fine to teach friends... well, decision in due time. and if it's for charity, maybe i'll just channel them to the spca..doggies in the pound, u may have hope for better shelter soon..haha

ok, i'll have to get back to work. guess this post is pretty concise about my thoughts for the moment. until next time, and wish me luck

ciao
je t'aime
ben

edit: guess what, i left my wallet at home. now, i am cashless and id-less. makes me no less different from an immigrant. hopefully no one will catch me later..

comfort food nite...

firstly, i would like to apologise to all my readers for the previous post. i know that it was really depressing. i don't mean to bring your spirits down, but i guess misery loves company.

well, i am feeling better now. in fact, my mood was so much better since last night. finally got over the fatigue and the lethargy of the weekend. i don't deny that my mood is still down, but i guess i could keep it beneath me now. i wanna enjoy the weekend!!!

am feeling a little guilty now, as i was pigging out on comfort food. had rather late lunch or hash browns and sausages. skipped dinner..until my sis pestered me to mcd's. besides, it was the drive-thru, so i don't mind. initially, was only supposed to get an oreo mcflurry for her. somehow, we got ourselves a pie each, her mcflurry, and my chocolate cornetto sundae..guess i'll have to work out all the calories tomorrow... or continue with a japanese lunch treat from mum (not sure if i wanna go yet).

am both happy and sad at the same time for my final year project. happy that it's done, almost complete. just one last phase to go. but am sad that after doing some analyses, realised that my diet isn't exactly effective for growth. but what's done is done. all i have to do now is to compile my results, write up my discussion, and i am all set to graduate. oh, am really glad that i my only exam paper is on the 22nd of april. guess i could slot in a genting trip after going for celine dion's concert.

i couldn't believe this, but i am still laughing to 'a cinderella story'. it may be corny or so...but watching repeats can really lift ur spirits. haha. i have to say, i really 'heart' hilary duff. lindsay, take a cue!!

just a random thought.. maybe i should send my resume for a post of lecturer in taylor's college in kl. perhaps i could teach biology and/or psychology. but it's just a passing thought.. mum and dad wants me to go to australia to pursue my master's degree..

ok for tonight.. still contemplating. yoga or japanese food?? (sign from tv now says japanese..no thanks to the advert from ajinomoto)

oh, another heart for mix fm. they played 2 celine songs back to back last yesterday morn. was so happy to hear alone and my heart will go on together. watched 'a new day' again last night, and was so just so happy to be able to sing to songs like 'i surrender', 'river deep, mountain high', and also 'to love you more'.. me on celine fever now..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

Raining..

gosh, it's been raining for the whole day. really brought me down to the dumps. i don't know what is wrong with me, but this sick feeling is really bringing me down. maybe it's the weather, maybe it's me project, or maybe it's my hormones (guys have hormonal fluctuations too). i just don't know...

actually, my project is nearing completion. i've already written half of my thesis.. now, all's left is my fatty acid analysis, and also to write my results and discussion. wish me luck so that i can get it done before the deadline.

i guess the rain also dampen my spirits in whole. i didn't do much today, except to attend a mis-informed class (at 10). then, i decided not to go for class at 2. what's worse, i didn't even bother going to the gym. there's 90 minutes of yoga (my fav), but i just didn't bother. eventually, i ended up taking a long nap from 3 to 6. even so, i can still feel the lethargy in my bones now.

emotionwise, it is still in turmoil. i thought i had clear signs. really clear signs. but my heart wouldn't listen. it's causing me hurt, and the timing is bad as i really wanna focus on my studies. i thought we had so much in common, but all those are illusions. we may not have started, but still, is this the end?? hmm..maybe it's a blessing to have you only as a friend. or maybe loneliness is the only company desired.. i don't know.

elections are coming.. banners, buntings and billboards everywhere. politicians are going around, campaining for votes. but, what a pity that i couldn't vote. don't get me wrong, i am registered, but just a little too late. guess it's another 4 years then. anyway, i really hope that there'll be a politician that will highlight the environment as one of their agenda. i see all these manifestoes.. yet none touched on conserving, preserving, or maybe even paying a little attention to the natural world around them... makes me wonder, are they even worth being voted for??

i just can't wait for the celine dion concert tickets. gosh, they can't even get the pricing right now... come on, ppl!!

i am also now stuck in a rut considering my future options. i was browsing through the graduate studies in upm. do i wanna continue my studies in upm? or should i stay in usm? or maybe i should head over to the igp (or whatever, that deals with australian studies) and consider relocating to australia?? i dunno. or maybe, i'll just get a job. what about my training... i wanna take balance. but should i take jam?? ppl have been telling me to take jam, but should i? ah.. questions, questions, questions...

guess i'll just sleep on this.. and await a new dawn.
ciao
je t'aime
ben

saturday? or sunday?

well, i guess my blog is starting to get a little crowded huh.. all u guys see are adverts here and there. can't blame a newbie for starting. besides, who doesn't wanna earn some cash. i'm running dry as i idle my life away now..

hmm, idle..i probably used the wrong word for my life. in fact, my life is anything but idle. i have deadlines to meet, stuff to write, experiments to conduct..and then there's my social life. in fact, i've been out for the past few nights far more often than before. let's see.. there was the gambling session, kh's lunar birthday session, the torch session, then last night (friday) again for supper/dinner. somehow or other, my life is one confused masterpiece as my timing is out. here i am blogging on sunday morning (while still reeling off saturday night). then there is the confused meals (b'fast/lunch, dinner/supper, lunch/dinner??). somehow, when i get busy, i seem to skip meals far more often... and then i binge. i guess my yoyo diet will eventually consume me..

but i think it's all worth it as i've been on my feet for more than 8 hours today. all for my stupid FYP. guess i was so consumed by the rush that i didn't take a break..eventually completing 27 protein analyses, 4 lipid analyses, and prepared for another 5. what others will take 3 to 4 days to do, i've completed it in 8 hours. hopefully it's all worth it eventually. i do not want to realise that i've sacrificed so much to get anything less than an A for this paper.

ok, guess i'll stop now before i overwork my body. and i am so sorry for the adverts, but please bear with me while i try my best to keep them organised.
until another time then..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

n'other day

another day just past me by... 24 hours of life. with moments of mixed emotions. various activities take place....but do we ever stop to notice if it's even necessary to partake such activites...hmm. i wonder

anyway, this morning wasn't exactly that smooth for me...lose 20 bucks to another motorcyclist. well, i kinda crashed onto him, as he was turning. it's not that i didn't see the indicator, but i expected him to turn according to the road, not just into someone's driveway. well, i guess the 20 bucks was worth a lesson learnt. never speed, and people may just turn as they like. but somehow, i think 20 is just to much for a dented number plate (that's the only damage from the whole crash)..

another 2 more days until the end of my feeding trial (FYP). one part of me is really happy. but i am also sad at the same time as i have to rush to conduct the experiments related to it, in 2 weeks. and it's not easy considering that everything needs time. i just can't see me completing the experiments on time, and submitting my lit review on time... gosh.

well, i finally understand how tiring it can be to manage a house all by myself. especially when i am determined to clean and clear the house as much as possible. well, i did a wonderful job clearing the living hall and the kitchen before the new year. today, managed to clear the work cabinet, my room, and did laundry (clothes, cushion covers, and now, bedsheets)... hmm. am pretty impressed with myself. at the same time, am worried that i may be slightly compulsive. but whatever, it zaps the energy out of me...

shocking moments..as i was trying to unlock my door, i saw an instructor from the gym living just 3 doors away. worse part, i attended his class like, hours before. so embarrassing...haih. thank goodness he's currently based in dubai and not malaysia. i can't bear the thought of living near to an (overaccomplished -7 les mills programs) instructor (in a way)

ok, gtg as life resumes...no more holidays until the end of the semester. wish me luck.
ciao
je t'aime
ben

Second Day of New Year

it's the second day of new year. and what do i have to do?? start work. haha. yup. i had to return to the campus and resume my FYP. well, wish me luck cos i have another 5 more days to go until the end of this chapter of my life. never again will i want to re-live this chapter. as beneficial as it may seems, it sux. big time.

returned to gym also. couldn't bear eating so much and not working out at all. besides, friends are back from everywhere and i must have something to show them. not just flab all the way. guess vanity prevails. but somehow, i was kinda weaker today... went for pump class, but couldn't even complete the biceps track. such a weakling...haih

dinner was exciting, as we (me, alan, mich and lav) went to this new joint called jemputree. we literally had dinner atop a tree, in a treehouse. the atmosphere was nice. music selection was passable. however, there were a few glitches like the quality of the food (not exactly up to par), and the mosquitoes. come on, u want the jungle theme, at least do something about those pesky pest. got bitten all over...hmm

after dinner, headed over to babylon for drinks and also cakes. recommended: their baked cheese cake. it's splendid. as for drinks, don't opt for the singapore sling. i think i make better singapore sling compared to them. we practically spent the whole night lounging in the suit, talking crap and bitching bout other ppl. ah, what a nice way to spend a lovely evening with friends....besides, the music doesn't pop your ears, you don't have to dance and sweat like a mad cow, and last but not least, i get to drive home sober!! yay!!

anyway, also spilled some of my deepest thoughts to these people as i feel that i can trust them with all my heart. i was actually relieved that i finally have ppl to share some thoughts with. what's even amazing is that i can tell alan all this without any qualms (come on, i only knew him since may 2007). it's like i've known him for years, and he could even dispense proper advice that i don't come across. thank you. as for lav and mich, thanks for always being there for me. this is one of the best days in the new year for me...u guys are my rock!!

well, guess i'll just head to bed now, allowing my body to get rest before greeting the new day. my aunt will be touching down at 6.40 pm...yay!!! she's finally back for the new year. and i guess i'll get to catch up with another old rock/greatest critic of mine tomorrow. wish me luck

ciao
je t'aime
ben

community service

i've been invited to a party. a singles party. apparently, it's a party to show how desperate single people are and hopefully they can find a mate. the best part, i've been told by the 'host' to perform some 'community service' and invite more single desperate people to the party. apparently, i'm to look for some single, desperate, cute or good looking boys to the party... hahaha. who am i in the position to do that?? besides, i don't really know any adonis around worthy to be invited to the party (even if i do, i would have kept him to myself..haha). but in case u are interested, feel free to let me know. it's on the 16th february, 7 pm onwards. it's a potluck (still wondering what to make), and i m also the unofficial photographer for the evening... so, guys, gals, let me know if u wanna come.

next, i apologise for the long overdue blog. i was supposed to blog on thursday, but eventually, i ended up dead like a log at home. maybe it's because my yoga practise and extra guidance triggered some sleepy nerves and sent me to dreamland for the next 11 hours.. haha. so much for having proper yoga training. i was corrected by a bystander (ok, she's a graduate from Sun Yoga) for my back bend and gave some pointers on my downward facing dog and mountain pose. looks like i have got loads to catch up and correct before my training in balance come march..

chinese new year is just around the corner, and things are going more and more hectic for me. there are experiments to complete. thesis to write, things to clear, house to clear.... and all this hasn't stop me from daydreaming, and from over thinking too.. amazing huh.

oh, i've watched sweeny todd. pity that i was so tired that day that i couldn't emmerse myself completely in the movie. we went for the late night movie, and i was struggling to stay awake half way through the movie. somehow, after catching 40 winks, i managed to pop my eyes during the ending. it was so dramatic, so gruesome, and so passionate...well, the death scene is the best i've seen, second only to satin's death in moulin rouge...i have to say, tim burton and johnny depp have clearly set a new par in dark musicals....excellent

here are some of my twisted thoughts. they may not be conventional, but i think it's rather cute as i get to share my quirks here...
1) i was riding home from the gym, and i saw these two guys walking on the pavement. then i told myself, what are these people thinking as they walk along the pavement? where are they heading? what's playing in their heads? is it about safety? of the journey? or maybe about their studies? how bout their future?

2) scene: in gym. i was talking to this lady (the host for the silly party), and she asked me, what do i plan to do with my life. honestly, i couldn't answer her at all. i have lost direction on what to do. previously, i was so sure that i wanted to be a vet (somehow, my results proved otherwise). hence, i'm stuck in some local u, doing some wretched degree (in zoology). so, now, where do i go from here? my pals have been sending resumes and going for interviews. but what have i done?? nothing.

3) a friend of mine was telling me that she was spotted by a talent scout. come on, she isn't exactly that beautiful, her boobs are barely there, her fashion sense is like that of a 40 year old aunty...and she got spotted. where is my talent scout when i want one? i believe i'm passible... but i am never spotted...hmm (daydreaming..)

4) next,another issue came up.. buying property. a few friends were talking about it in the gym the other day. and boy, did i proudly say that i don't wanna buy any property. it's not that i do not want a home, but i just couldn't see myself being here for long. honestly, i don't even know if i could survive another year, what's more, to plan for a future.. i just don't see that coming.

5) last night, a casual friend just told me that i don't look macho, and what's my sexual preference.. i must admit, i wasn't comfortable with that question, but it got me thinking, quite a lot. of course my most conventional answer would be to be asexual. but am i really one? honestly, i don't see myself getting attached, married with kids and the such (maybe because i've lost hope in them), but am i really asexual. somewhere in the middle of last year, i'd decided to open up and explore my options.. but things didn't really turn out great. when it comes to girls, somehow or other, they just don't meet my standards. then again, i'll think to myself, which girl will actually be seen dating a 'non-macho' man?? shopping buddy, yes. bitching buddy, yes. but boyfriend?? hmm. then guys... it's just so hard to tell if the guy is straight or queer. and when u can tell them apart, they are just taken. and also, don't i always read, gays prefer other gays to be macho and straight acting.. apparently, ppl like me will only end up as drag-queens forever doomed to the stage of babylon boom boom....:(. hence, i give up....

6) i've tried my best not to judge people... but sometimes, that feeling is just so overwhelming. i just can't help to notice if the vibe is just so wrong and strong.. hmm. well, i've done my part. i guess nature will take it's cause

7)is this true compassion, or just silly thoughts in my head?? it happened when i was waxing my car yesterday. there's this bunch of boys hanging out in front of my house, in school uniform. all of a sudden, i had the thought to reform them, maybe even motivating them to study harder and become a better person, and even to the point of providing free tuition to them just to get them to study and not do silly things (of course, these are just thoughts in my head). then, when i was driving to the gym when i saw this dog injured at the neck. apparently, it's been in a fight and got bit on the back of the neck. the feeling was so strong for me to pull over, carry the dog in and send it to the nearest vet (but i didn't do it). are these true compassion? or are this just silly games people play with their minds?

8) and last thought...i think i shall option out from friday night supper. although the supper is something like carrot juice or tau fu fah, i think i'll try to abstain from it. it's not the food or calories that i fear...but somehow the company isn't exactly that pleasant, and i think i shall stay away from it now on..

ok, enough of my silly thoughts. feel free to laugh it all out, but just don't keep in in your hearts.. bye

kong hei fatt choy!!

je t'aime
ben

milk: the new whey of life...

this is just in from men's health (jan 2008). apparently, milk is a good substitute to all those expensive protein shakes body builders take after working out. apparently, milk contains 80% whey protein and 20% casein. there guys, i can still get whey protein without paying with my life. besides, i guess all those advertised whey protein are lactose based too. guess i'll just have to stock up on my milk supply, and drink them like there's no tomorrow.

life's pretty boring when u're stuck in the same place, doing the same damn thing everyday. well, i was hoping that i could at least finish my project on the 31st of january, and celebrate chinese new year in peace. somehow, my supervisor thinks otherwise and decided to extend my project right up to valentine's day, and make me work like a horse to obtain results before handing in my thesis by the end of march. what does she take me as? heck.. i'm so frustrated, but what can i say? i'm depending on her to grant me an A, so that i can graduate with flying colours. the A is crucial as my cgpa is now getting closer and closer to the 4.00 mark. but then again, it all depends on luck. like my previous thought, good things just don't happen to me at all. one moment, i may think that i have it all, then everything takes a tumble.

untouchable, untouchable. i know it sparked some interest amongst my readers. well, don't worry, it's true. not fabricated from some idle place in my mind. just that i don't think it's right to reveal the person here. besides, i thought that i could really pass it all off...the day proves otherwise. i still see the person, enjoys its company, and actually misses it when i don't hear from it at all. could this be signs that i need someone by my side now?? hmm, i wonder.

reading my blogs, u may think that i am one desperate person trying to get laid all the time (and failing miserably in that). well, i may be desperate, but i am still a player and will never commit to any long term thingy. maybe it's just not in my veins to settle down. there is a long journey ahead, and i just can't let someone tie me down. and if my journey is short, i must savour every moment, not let another being tie me down with their thoughts, feelings and the such.
i admit that i have issues...but i guess everyone has them. it's just how they channel them. i have taken a silent oath not to be married or have kids, but this doesn't stop me from having fun at all. so..people, we must learn how not to mix our gut feeling with our minds.

enough of my miserable love life...other focus..hmm. workout. ok, i'm pretty impressed with my waist. in fact, i was so happy with it. now, i really have to take the flab off the tummy. and apparently the most effective way is to develop other areas of the trunk, like the pecs, the back and the shoulders. so, i have therefore resolve to develop these areas before my training, and hopefully they'll impress the trainers when i do my balance training (that's in march :(). oh,anyway, i took part in the 'contender' challenge organised by the gym just now. finally able to gauge my fitness level. overall, i am not to bad. i managed to run the run, squat the squat, lunge the lunge and punch the punch. just that i have to work harder on my push ups, and also on my abs. however, i was super happy in the shower just now as i finally felt my obliques. it's something that i never really thought that i could achieve and feel. but it's there...hard, and it's there. guess i'll have to work harder to train them, as well as the other abdominal muscles.

well, as lengthy as a post can be, there is always an end. and here it is, for this post. have a good day, and live life to the fullest.
je t'aime

p.s.: did i mention, the Celine Dion- a new day concert is superb. i've watched it twice already...and more to come. it's just amazing seeing my idol on stage giving her best. well, there are moments and phrases of songs which suddenly brings back memories, as well as the teary feeling in my eye..guess this is the true power of music....

Affected

i couldn't believe it, but i was really really affected by my sudden loss. in fact, i couldn't get a good night's rest, as i was tossing and turning on the bed, thinking of my zen. it's gone. i have to face it... but there is still this part of me that want's it back. after all, i've shared 3 years with it... how could it leave just like that.
in fact, i couldn't really concentrate much on my day, kept on thinking about the zen. i was nearly involved in 3 accidents yesterday, while rushing to the gym to look for it. i'm lost and miserable. in fact, i think depressed suits me more.
misery loves company, so they say. and indeed it does. there's been some screw ups in my FYP, and hopefully i can overcome it. my day's a wreck. in fact, suicidal thoughts keep popping into my head. i haven't had any since last year, but today, it returned..with a vengence. i was so close to tears while i was in the shower...but somehow, not a drop was shed. i wonder how long can i hold on before i crumble. where's salvation when u need it??

ciao,
....

ok, ppl...share my delight with me. my exams are over..yahoo!!!!
watched stardust and beowulf...yahoo!!!
and i bought myself celine's latest album, taking chances ...YAHOO!!!!!!

yup. the week is finally getting better and better. sadly, it's also coming to an end. it's the start of another week soon. hopefully, there's a rollover effect.

anyway, i can smell christmas by the corner...it's so sweet....
must go grab a cup of the toffee nut latte later (from starbucks)..

u know u've put on weight when......an 'ah beng' that u haven't seen in 5-6 weeks tells u that u've gone fatter....
looks like i have to work harder to prepare myself for christmas....hehe

ok, ciao
je t'aime.
p.s. tu est mon lecteur

Monday Blues...

i'm back. don't worry, i didn't sideline this blog. it's just that things have to take a back seat as i face to challenges in reality. well, exams are drawing to an end. another paper this wednesday, and voila, i'm done. however, unlike previous years, i don't get to laze around and enjoy my holidays. i have to continue with my fyp. all the things that needed to be done..gosh, if only i have someone to share my day with....

speaking of sharing with someone special..i'm aware that most people around me managed to find their special someone. well, i haven't. months back, i was looking, 'marketing' myself and improving on my skills. however, i guess it's all no use as apparently what i've done is not enough. maybe i need to change my methods, do some soul searching or just retreat to a life of loneliness.....

well, i guess my hormones are a little 'off', so forgive me if u find this entry boring...

je t'aime