Never did cross my mind that I will be writing back here again so soon. It was after reading several blogs (prompted by a close friend)that I suddenly felt the urge to put down some thoughts onto this digital space. I came across something poignant, the developments of friendship and relationship. This was after reading the blog of a close bud, and his lovely partner. Sure, there's been a lot of ups and downs, but that didn't stop them. There is love going on, and I personally witnessed the love. It did get me thinking lots, and somehow, one thought came into mind. I am tired. Tired to be the shining beacon for everyone. Tired of being there for friends, people, colleagues, affiliates, workers, and everyone else. Also, I am tired of becoming the shoulder for everyone else. I realised that I was the shoulder for many other people, both guys and gals. But at the end of the day, I am alone, lost without a shoulder of my own. No one to give me comforting words, no one to wrap its arms around me assuring that everything will be ok. I am normally self reliant and independent enough to pull myself through the day, but I guess it doesn't hurt once a while to show that I am also weak. Having explored the same blog, I can't help but to feel a little guilty, and am wondering if I did the right thing. Although not directly linked to a situation, I am, however, partly responsible for the falling out of a particular friendship. I don't know if I made the right choice by giving advice, or saying the right thing.. but I certainly didn't mean to destroy certain friendships. Can't help but to feel it's me... On another note, finally got rid of some old 'baggage'. These people are no longer important, and holds no effect to my life anymore. Besides, I don't think they will ever have the same thoughts about me when they decided to end what we had.. Life goes on. Probably it's apt to say thank you, one last time, as one of the person that I removed used to read this blog. But then, I must also say that it is good riddance. Your present fame may take you far, but remember, those who burn the brightest also burn the fastest. One day, when all is dead and gone, and when the dust had settle, you will come to realise the worth of genuine friendship without expectations. But then, telling you this is also like pouring water onto a duck's back. It will never stay. Over a conversation with my bestie, I guess I finally said it. I will only love again when a person sings the dolphin song, when the moon turns red, and when the river Jordan parts for the second time. Hahaha. When commented that I am fussy, I guess I am just impossible. When I don't workout, I feel fat, lazy and useless. When I workout, I feel fat, useless and tired. <- that's my QOTD. I guess I can never overcome that self-loathing, self-hating part of me. I will never come to terms with my body, and I guess it is working to my advantage as other people also cannot come to terms with my body. haha. Random musing: when is a good time to leave all worldly desires behind, and lead a spiritual life. I was thinking of this last night, and wondered if I should just give up everything and move to a monastery now, or shall I wait until I finish my PhD, and then end it all then... Still thinking. I once mused on the story that I would like to tell... probably now that I've come so far, I'd rather that there are no stories being told, and me existence just be erased, without a trace. Until the next time (and I can't tell when) Ciao [Q]

It's been..

Two months and a fortnight. that's how long since i last written something here. Again, the same problems manifest itself. Not that i don't want to write, but sometimes, i just can't compose the random thoughts in my head to put it into proper words. as much as people like to think that taureans are grounded and stable, i can be quite fickle at times. my brain is constantly on hyperactive mode, and the thought process never stops. hence at times, i wish for nothing more than a pause in life.

A complete disaster. the end of the year, and the start of the year has been a complete disaster when it comes to friendship. little did i know, i lost my support, my wingman, and allies and my listeners. in a split moment, everything came crashing down, not unlike jericho. probably, i am jericho. i am the trouble in the core, and hence, when i finally sound, the walls (or friends) will just come crashing and break away. never expected this to happen, and worst still, i don't know what is the cause. hurt, yes. betrayed, yes. deranged, no. forgiven, no. forgotten, not yet. but what i do know is i will learn from this episode, and trust no one anymore. how stupid can i be, when everytime i trust someone, or a few people, these people bail on me and fail me.

A seclusion. being isolated and secluded is probably best for me. it makes me reevaluate my priorities, and to know who my friends, and people who pretends to be my friends are. i have seen enough, heard enough and read enough to know the truth. i don't need an explanation, and probably, i will never find peace ever again. thank you all for being my support group for 2 years plus? but i guess the end is inevitable.

A dream. in fact, many dreams.. i dream that i can move on to greater heights. i dream that i found what i wanted, and the people that i want to be with. i dream that i am someone different. and yes, like nelly's song, it is just a dream. reality sucks. when i looked onto the shadow while i was walking down the ally, i couldn't recognise the man behind it. i don't know the shadow anymore, and it is like a dream, or a forced reality.

Rude and annoying. is it too much to ask for being mature, for being courteous, and yes, for being more polite? not to say that i don't cuss, but i do find it uncomfortable with the random use of profanities. my upbringing didn't teach me to have such a uncouth mouth or such impolite behaviour. whatever happened to social etiquettes? whatever happened to the gentleman..

i plan to lay lo for a while again, and let times fly by

ciao

my last day...

ok, the title did come off a little dramatic. no worries, i am not ending my life. just reminiscing some of the happenings of my 25th year of existence. after that, am starting again at 26, and i do wonder what is in store for me...

25. the year of taking risks. one too many risks, and one too many mistakes. i never expected it to be that way, and all the hurt and pain was too great to bear. but i think i must move on. but then, i also do wonder, why isn't the powers that be allowing me to move on. i hate all those tricks that you are playing on me. i'm starting to take baby steps and you put a whole freaking stumbling block in front of me. are you trying to tell me that i am going into a pithole again? will i ever see the sunshine? or will i forever be trapped in this darkness..

gaga says: everyone is beautiful in their own way cos God makes no mistakes.
i say: Gaga is wrong. God's only mistake is me.. but no worries, his mistake will not last long.

purity is, but the past now, as i write. although i don't regret it, i will also not deny the conflict deep within. will i fail to walk the paths of the enlightened?

is a house really a home without love? denied in the song, i am starting to feel the same here. what are my options? how do i leave? will i be able to pack up, and just walk out of this place, leaving this misery forever? will i be able to support myself to walk away, and to never look back. i want tabula rasa. but is tabula rasa even available? can i severe all relations, all ties, all friends, and all family.. to start anew?

let's hope there are some new developments for my 26th year. like i've mentioned before, i only saw myself living up to 25. i don't even see anything between 26 to 30..or even beyond that.

lastly, i can't help but to feel as if i'm walking onto this huge wall. i gave my all. ditch my ego, dropped my defences, and lay down my weapons. and what do i get in return? walls and walls. probably by the end of the day, i wil end up rebuilding my freaking fort, with a shattered core. all over again. is it worth it? i don't know

[i see you both side by side on FB chat!! WTF!!]

happy jar (my first 26th birthday gift). but will i be happy?? haha. anyway, thanks for the thought. i do agree, it's not simple to buy things for me. but i wasn't expecting anything anyway. all i wanted was just good company. precious friends that will be there, one way or another, for me.

friends.

just friends.

(B)e (I)n (T)otal (C)ontrol of (H)im [saw this on a printed tee.. kinda cute, but i just don't dig printed tees]

argh!! i still freaking see you....

anyway, i guess that's all i have for tonight. may want to post something just before i turn 26.. probably, if the conditions permit

ciao

Nilla-paduma

as i type this, i'm letting another course of vodka take its effect in my system. this time, it's neat, so i guess it'll be faster, and stronger.

another week has come and gone. ever so fast, it'll be december. time for the holidays.. time where ppl be cheerful and merry. but i'm guessing this is not the time for me.. never was, never is, and probably never will be. i just hope i have more time, than to write articles, to enrol for my studies and head back to the university.

went for a walkabout in the rain this morning, as i was doing a photo assignment at the clan jetties. a lot of random thoughts came to my mind. one of which happens to be that i don't really like being out of my comfort zone. i live by a certain set of rules, and that have guided me for a long time. but sometimes, change is just inevitable.

instead of going for the movies tonight, decided to stay in. i still wanna watch Astro Boy and Christmas Carol (in 3D!!!)hopefully i can catch all of those before new moon.. another hot hot movie. i guess it's time to go back to the dreamgirls period, as i enter another phase of development.

i've just had another 'heart to heart' talk, with a somewhat inconvenient source. somehow it doesn't seem proper and right, but i guessed i've done the damage. was asked to rank a few ppl in my life.. honestly, there are no rankings. i care for all.. especially to those that i have once held dear..

mid-week, i've realised 'nilla-paduma'. the blue lotus. no matter how murky the water is, the filth in the swamp, the lotus will always emerge, unharmed, beautiful, clean and pure. this is closely relevant... and with blue, it's a target for me to gain better 'idhi'.. i used to have some, and was subsequently clouded. hopefully, one day, i've cultivated enough idhi and prana, and i shall be free...

ok, time to retreat to my bed as the vodka is taking its effect.

btw, it's still not bringing any tears.. and this time, not even the saddest movie clip featuring dogs could make me cry anymore.. probably will need help soon.. hehe

ciao

tarbush, causeway & sakae

it was a lovely saturday morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing.. and what did yours truly do?? he decided to go to the city for sight-seeing. well, soon after breakfast, he, together with his international friends caught a cab to the national museum, in the city centre. there, he spent the time, observing the exhibits, playing with his imagination, and was annoyed silly by the little kids there(about a hundred of 5 year olds on a school excursion).. gosh, those kids were everywhere, and were constantly breaking my chain of thougts. one moment, i was in a neolithic cave of gua niah, next moment, the chatter and noise grounded me back to reality. as i was in the 'palace' of malacca, admiring the throne, the pitter patter of their feet (they were wearing horrible clogs instead of shoes) reminded me the sorry fact that i will not have kids..haha. eventually, yours truly still enjoyed his time in the museum..

next up, yours truly decided to head to the national zoo. he was so hoping that he could see the changes in the zoo since his last visit (which was like, when he was 5). so, yours truly called his friend, le chef extrodinnaire, and agreed to go to the zoo. however, as le chef extrodinnaire was working half day, so yours truly have to go to his office to wait for him. initially, yours truly was to wait at the train station.. but since he was early, he decided to look for the le chef's office. after walking in the sweltering heat, he finally managed to locate le chef's office punctually.. however, le chef couldn't get off from his work.. and hence the wait began.. first, it was 10 minutes.. then another 15 minutes.. then another 10. finally, after yours truly stood for 40 minutes in the porch of le chef's office, le chef finally showed up..

still keen on going to the zoo, yours truly didn't give up, and doesn't really blame le chef (cos it wasn't entirely his fault). however, as yours truly have been living on a 'halal' diet for the past two weeks, he'd decided to have some pork for lunch. however, being stranded on the heart of the city, it's not easy looking for some pork.. and so, the two friends wandered to the closest mall, and decided to hunt for lunch. after searching high and low, they finally stumbled upon a chinese eatery. boy, were they glad.. but however, none of them ordered pork for lunch.. instead, they had duck noodles (should be renamed dark noodles) and stewed beef noodles..

after satisfying their tummy, the two friends decided to continue with thier agenda. however, the skies have another plan for them.. it was raining cats and dogs.. or should i say, elephants and horses??? hence, the trip to the zoo was called off..leaving the two friends aimless and clueless on what to do. seeing that the sky was still dark, the two friends decided to head to KLCC and reorganise their agenda from there..

once in KLCC, the immense crowd was too much to take in.. everywhere, there's a person, a body beside you. there's hardly any room to turn, and barely enough to breath.. all for.. the PIKOM PC fair. seeing that, the two friends decided to leave and head off the the pavilion, whereby the crowd is not that bad.. after browsing aimlessly for about an hour in the posh mall, the two friends began their search for food again. really missing his pork, yours truly was slowly turning hysteric. (btw, i think the low sugar level was also driving me nuts).. haha.

so, they made their exit, still looking for something to eat. after some bickering and disagreement, they finally decided to try some lebanese desserts. Tarbush they went, gearing up to feast on something different. since it was the first for yours truly, i wasn't really geared up for the burst of flavour and taste of lebanese food. we started off with the hummus. chick pea paste with sesame oil, served with lebanese bread. i can't really describe how the taste is, but surely, it's an acquired taste (think: guacamole and tree bark)!!.

next up, mahalabia and baklava. yup, i had the great fanny.. and boy, was it sweet. actually, it's just curdled milk with roasted pistachio.. but it was so sweet, that it sent shudder to my bones. the baklava was just as bad. an assortment of nuts and spices, wrapped in puff pastry.. and with the first bite, it's sure to send you to the heaven of the tooth fairy.. so sweet was the taste that if i were to have another plate, i'd sure be pissing syrup the next morning..

after all the sweet treats, the crave for pork resurfaced in yours truly.. hence, the hunt started all over again. looking for pork in bukit bintang is like looking for a needle in the haystack. being the heart of the urban malay city, it's not easy to find something chinese, something familiar.. after scouring 2 malls, finally settled in causeway in low yat plaza for some hong kong food. wow.. that was heavenly. it may not be the healthiest food on earth, but it sure was the best for the week. having the roast pork in my mouth.. it was just sensational.

so, it wasn't all bad for yours truly on the saturday. true, it was raining cats and dog (and was still raining when i got back to the hostel), but it wasn't a poor day. i finally tried middle eastern food.. and may consider trying the main course some other time.. and managed to get my earrings (after looking for it for almost 4 years). i guess man can still plan, but ultimately, the greater power will show you the way...

btw, i managed to catch up on some health food just now.. sushi!! in sakae in 1-utama. once again, i loaded up on salmon and various other types of sushi, had the sukiyaki, and enjoyed the great company of mr thailand, mr indonesia, and ms indonesia.. haha.

the sandman beckons now.

ciao
je t'aime

elephant brains?? probably not

Isn't it funny how Alan mentioned about a tiff about me and him that i can't seem to remember... probably age has caught up with me, drying up my brain cells to the point that i can't even remember such happenings (and mind you, apparently, it was only a few months back). either that, or i've been throwing one too many tantrums that i can't even remember who i am mad with anymore..

speaking of getting mad, i guess there's no better way to end the year than being a cranky, moody sour grape. it was misery, bent on ruining me.. the day was bad to start with (interrupted sleep), then, horrendous nap that zapped my energy.. then, other incidents concerning my dressing.. and finally, spending hours waiting and waiting for things to happen. waiting for people to turn up, waiting for seats, waiting for food...argh.. but i guess i just have to bear with it.. after all, i had quite a good year, so cut me some slack and just let me be moody for once.. haha.

caught two movies back to back again yesterday.. i guess that's not a bad way to fill the day.. watched lady cop and papa crook (starring alan's fav diva, sammi cheng), then went for adam sandler's bedtime stories.. i guess i kinda expected more from bedtime stories, but it just fell flat and way way way lower than my expectations.. probably i should have saved my money for inkheart instead (after all, brandon fraser is better than adam sandler). at least, i'll get to see him transported into the realm of fantasy and magic (something that doesn't happen in reality)[sigh]..

once again, no new year resolutions. after all, why make them when you intend to break them as soon as the clock strikes midnight?? but somehow, as i was standing underneath the fireworks, welcoming the minute, i said a silent prayer.. and without the doubt, it's for everyone around me to be happy at all times. as alan had put it, i have a really cool gang of friends that will always be with me. so, wishing them bliss and happiness is the least i could do for them..

random thought: i'm actually very vain.. haha. in fact, as my granny put it to her friends this morning, i do appreciate being praised from her friends.. haha.
anyway, people have been telling me that i've lost weight again (not just one, but a few), but i do doubt that, and i think i should lose another few kilograms (for assurance). besides, i also need to tone up my body (for reasons that i don't know), improve my flexibility, and probably built some strength?? (again, for no apparent reasons.. so i guess that's not a priority).

ok, enough for now (am heading off to the gym earlier so that i can practise my balance)..

ciao
have a happy new year

ben

from work

this is the second day at work. once again, i am really early for work again. well, all things have started out fine...and there are various upcoming meetings and events to attend, organise and manage. hopefully, i can cope well in the new environment.

exam results are out. didn't do so well this time. after all the time spent on my research (refer to previous blogs), i only managed to score a B+. am wondering if it's all worth it?? probably, but am still wondering. heck, my cgpa is so bad this time that it's nowhere 3.5!!

quarterly just ended. didn't attend, but u can feel the hype for the next launch happening soon. then, i'll have more things to study, more things to learn, and more things to do.. will i be able to make it? let's hope so!!

read about rooney in alan's blog...funny, how we all became friends. and last night, i actually had a long chat with him (2 hours ++) after gym. i guess it's amazing how a simple conversation asking him about the origins of his racer-back could turn out to having heart to heart talk with him.. i guess this is the miracle of friendship.

anyway, signing off now and will be returning to work..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

the big day

so, this post is 2 days late..haha. what the heck.. i had so much fun on the night that i just have to share some of my thoughts with my readers.
of course, i started the day beaming. in fact, i was beaming so brightly that people kept asking me what happened. seriously, all u could see is the wide smile across my face..haha.
the morning was just ok..decided to sleep in, then head to the market for breakfast..and some random shopping..haha.

afternoon..hmm, well, attended body jam and body balance, specially conducted by jacqueline (master trainer). although she may not shine as much as kylie, she's still great. but i also realise that somehow, she's not connected to the members..haih.
well, her cohorts are just as wicked..hehe. kenny, good dancer. but then, he's got legs a mile long..making it rather weird to see him dance. our head teacher, amazingly, was perfect. in fact, it became the talk of the night, as our head teacher finally got her groove back... the other cohort of jacq, teoh..hmm, he's a good dancer too (and a great looker..haha). but then, he's not a body jam instructor, so...(besides, i think he's attached to janis)
for body balance..jacqueline..great. although i've gotten so used to janis's style, it's great to have her there..i must say, i really wanna be like her when i complete my training, except the lengthy relaxation track. ah..now i wish my trainer was her (but not to worry, i heard that riyo is quite good also..)

so, after the incredible workout with the master trainer..it was time to get 'hot'..haha. for the first time, i actually took about 15 minutes to style my hair, and about 10 minutes to put on my clothes. i was actually lost on to what to wear..and i think i'd actually make an impact on the night..

we headed off to cititel for dinner..but before that, stopped by at janis's place for...my second present. well, i accidentally let it slipped that it was my big day cos she did notice my wide wide grin..and when i headed over to her place, i thought she wanted to pass me the dvd for the training...but instead, i have a new yoga mat, from her, again. it's lovely, and i will use it to conduct balance classes, eventually..haha

at cititel, we dined like there was no tomorrow. in fact, i had barely made it into the main course after 1 hour. i was so preoccupied eating everything else like the sashimi, the tempura, the sushi and everything else except the main course.. in fact, i took 4 oysters the througout the night. then, the guys decided to provide us (me and rooney) with birthday cake(s) assembled from the cakes from the buffet..haha. it was so sweet of them, and i was surprised that they even brought candles to the dinner..haha

and oh, it was a double celebration for the night too, cos we decided to celebrate rooney's lunar birthday too. he's a sweet guy who happens to be younger from me by two weeks..haha. and it just so happen that this year, his lunar birthday and my gregorian birthday is on the same day..haha. isn't it cute.

so, after the long dinner (we finished bout 10.30), we decided to head over to babylon again for drinks. as i had taken a solemn vow to abstain myself from clubbing, babylon seemed to be the best option. but things weren't very lively there. we had a round of drinks, but there was nothing much that we could do..so, we decided to call it a night after spending about an hour there..

however...my night went on for another couple of hours..haha. rooney, chris and i headed over to mcd's gurney for a drink after there, and spent about an hour talking. it was very insightful, and very deep also. it's also amazing to find out that rooney is an excellent judge of character, when he could describe my personality to the point. gosh, even my close friends couldn't point that out...haih

so, all ended well for my 'little' birthday party. i dare say that it's one of the best that i've got...especially in the recent years. in fact, i am so thankful for them to actually celebrate it with me...

blessed are the friends who treasures each other..
blessed also, are the one who have friends as such..

thank u guys!!
je t'aime

ben

will upload the pictures soon!!

a short story....

*taking a break off the usual posting*

here's a short story about a boy named christopher. christopher, like any other boys in the neighbourhood, love the simple things in life..food, dance, playing, girls..


however, christopher also have another infatuation.....clean toilets. you see, he just loves to see the lovely porcelain bowl, the nice tiles, and the luxurious basins..


see, he enjoys using the toilet...and he's proud to share his 'love interest' with his friends..


oh, btw.. christopher also loves the toilet for the large mirrors they have. he admires beauty (especially his own)..hence, the larger, the better..


but all in all, he's just one simple boy, with simple pleasures in life.

chris, if u are reading this, don't kill me ya.. just needed some fun in the blog

rasa sayang...

2 more days...

technically, it's actually one more day. but then again, my time zone is always out, so i guess u can say that it's two more nights. i just can't wait to be in that seat, watching celine belt out all her songs. i know that the night may be short when you are enjoying it.. but i hope that the memories last forever.

ok, to clear some things.. firstly, i will like to thank my diaper buddy aka kawan lampin aka mich aka precious princess for recording the videos during the launch of body jam. i appreciate the sacrifice she had to make (running away from her mum) to come support me.. so, here's a big THANK YOU, for doing all this.

as i am leaving again tomorrow, guess my blog will be on hold until my return. let's just hope that i'll return a wiser and happier person.

ciao
je t'aime
ben

27 dresses

it's funny how me and alan shared the same moods and emotions. as another friend pointed out, probably we do influence each other more often than not.. haha. i am actually happy that there is someone out there that share almost similar feelings. don't get me wrong, i am not happy when someone is miserable. just happy that there is a similar soul out there, and thanking god for placing this similar soul so close to me. (although, maybe all these be an illusion, concieved by fates to trick me, and to pull me further into the path of misery). guess i'll just enjoy the moment as it is now..

so, went out for a movie this afternoon. 27 dresses. not bad. i know, it's a rom-com.. but still.. there's katherine heigl (oh she's hot). and james marsden (sexy, and can sing too..). of course, in rom-com, there's always the low point, and it made me reflect on my life (again!). however, it's happily ever after in reel life, and just another miserable me in reality. it's amazing that the sensations then, coupled with the moments from the movie, just woke me up from my delusion, allowing me to see reality clearly.

how do we perceive self? when we engage in deals, we want what is best for us. we give ourselves the highest marks when we are asked to judge ourselves. but i couldn't do the same for myself now. on saturday, before going out for dinner and clubbing, i looked at my reflection as i was lying down and realised that i am nothing but just a pathetic being, wallowing in self pity. as i was about to lie down on the bad last night, i looked at my window, and all i saw was a horrible monster. have i really turned into such.... i can't face myself anymore..

well, enough for now. too tired to go on...

ciao
je t'aime
ben

coffee anyone??

after one whole week spent writing my dissertation (just realised that there are mistakes to be corrected), i finally decided to pamper myself and take some time off to really heal my soul.

and nothing is better to heal the soul than a perfect weekend. slept in late for both saturday and sunday. i had to catch up on some beauty sleep. and i find it just so nice to realise that i don't have to wake up every morning worrying about my fishes or worrying about my lab work.

i guess i started to pamper myself since thursday. had a short facial done, using the masque from the face shop. i am starting to get hooked on their products. they are not that expensive, yet still effective. well, the walnut and oatmeal masque is a must have. my face felt so nice after that (partly also because i was on the bed eating half a tub of raspberry sundae..haha).

friday night was a blast. as usual, it was gym night. was supposed to work out, but eventually, headed to gnc after some cardio and some abs.. confirmed that i am standing at 172cm tall, and weigh 61kg. i am now, 1 kilo away from my ideal weight.. haha. but fat mass was rather high (18.6%). guess i have to cut down on junk and oily food. yoga was a blast. i kinda unleashed the inner yogi that was forced into hibernation for the past one week, so, kinda enjoyed the fast paced, powerful yoga. and to top the night off...intense body jam. instead of doing some 'get-by' tracks, we did loads of cardio tracks. and with the small class, i could use the mirror to my full advantage and took note of every single twist and turn that i made. haha. best part, 'extra' dancing after the class. was supposed to let kah hooi have a go on cueing, but instead, i decided to do more cardio dances..haha. really appreciated the burn.

saturday night was different from usual. since sis was at a party, i decided to 'party' with my besties. instead of the usual hawker fare, we decided to dine in dome. i have to admit, it was the first for me, but it was good. the food is worth their price. we had the baked chicken, tuna wrap, spicy olio pasta, and a bowl of wild mushroom soup. really nice, but pity that their non-beef selection was rather limited...to top it all, a nice glass of caramel choco nut ice blended (to satisfy my coffee kick!!)

then, we headed over to the revolving, city bayview. i haven't been there in ages (i think i was still a kid then), and realised that nothing changed there. the revolving belt is still so slow (60 mins per round), they still have the jawa mee, and ice creams are still the same. i was looking forward for the fondue, but i guess terence was misinformed. so, eventually, i settled for a slice of apple pie with vanilla ice cream..and some of lav's coffee based drink again..

today, was another comfortable day for me. although it may seem a little 'event-less', but i kinda heart the day. finally got to finish my ps2 game. and just started the sequel.. haha. continued with my coffee craving. decided to drop by at lav's work place and took a dig into their mocha-based black forest ice blended. it was divine, especially with the maraschino cherries.. the berries were so large..pity that it wasn't lav who prepared the drink. or else, i would have gotten more cherries....

yoga was again, superb. although the back bends were a little tough, i think it managed to unleash the energy and tension locked within it, liberating forth another new pulse of energy. the only set back, i learned how a c-section feels. but the spill-over effect was a good. i had good vibes to continue my work-out to do cardio and weights. managed to target my chest, arms and shoulders.. so good to be back. and perhaps it affected my mind too... made new friends in the gym again. haha.

but i guess the best part of the day was still around 2pm, when i got off the car at midlands, hiked up the stairs... and headed all the way to music valley to get my hands on the celine dion world tour tickets...yay!!!! (read previous post).

guess i'll sign off here now, to end my lovely weekend.
ciao
je t'aime
ben

sunday= funday

this is the best sunday i had in months. it's been so long since i get to sleep in until about 10. and i don't even have to worry about going up to the campus. it was just a relieve to know that finally, i don't have to head to the campus on a sunday morning.

remember i was contemplating about japanese in my previous blog?? i don't have to contemplate anymore as i did go for japanese this afternoon. well, it's for brunch. so, me, mum, sis and grams went for japanese in yataimura. it's amazing how many plates of sushi me and my sis can down in less than an hour. we had all sorts, salmon, tuna, ebiko (japanese caviar), ebi, and also various types of rolls. and all those were for starters only... adding on, we had california temaki, 2 nabes, and a pot of tofu. really filled me to the brim...

the best part, i made it in time for yoga after the heavy brunch. thankfully, my yoga instructor cum diaper buddy decided to change her teaching style. it was soft yoga, and we got to relax...hehe. am so grateful for that. after yoga, it was another 90 minutes of work out, both cardio and weights. am so happy that prasis actually complimented me on my body shape. according to him, my body shape is looking better now. well.. now, i guess i'll just have to trim my waist, my hips, and tone my lower body. of course, i must not forget bout my upper body too.. and my wobbly arms. still a lot of work to do... yet happy doing it!!

speaking of yoga, i was encouraged by mich this afternoon to start teaching yoga. of course, i wouldn't be doing it in the gym yet, but she suggested me to start teaching to close friends. apparently, i could do it and i should start somehow.. am still contemplating. still wondering what to teach, and where to teach. anyone game for free yoga sessions?? just contact me then...

it's way past midnight and i am still chewing on dried meat (bak kua) from chinese new year. i bet it'll go straight into my hips and butt tomorrow..haha

changed my layout. mainly because of the adverts that i put up. but also because it was bad (according to alan). according to him, it made the blog look old. so, i guess i'll just have to change it back to 23 years old. haha

ok, enough for now.
ciao
je t'aime
ben

Second Day of New Year

it's the second day of new year. and what do i have to do?? start work. haha. yup. i had to return to the campus and resume my FYP. well, wish me luck cos i have another 5 more days to go until the end of this chapter of my life. never again will i want to re-live this chapter. as beneficial as it may seems, it sux. big time.

returned to gym also. couldn't bear eating so much and not working out at all. besides, friends are back from everywhere and i must have something to show them. not just flab all the way. guess vanity prevails. but somehow, i was kinda weaker today... went for pump class, but couldn't even complete the biceps track. such a weakling...haih

dinner was exciting, as we (me, alan, mich and lav) went to this new joint called jemputree. we literally had dinner atop a tree, in a treehouse. the atmosphere was nice. music selection was passable. however, there were a few glitches like the quality of the food (not exactly up to par), and the mosquitoes. come on, u want the jungle theme, at least do something about those pesky pest. got bitten all over...hmm

after dinner, headed over to babylon for drinks and also cakes. recommended: their baked cheese cake. it's splendid. as for drinks, don't opt for the singapore sling. i think i make better singapore sling compared to them. we practically spent the whole night lounging in the suit, talking crap and bitching bout other ppl. ah, what a nice way to spend a lovely evening with friends....besides, the music doesn't pop your ears, you don't have to dance and sweat like a mad cow, and last but not least, i get to drive home sober!! yay!!

anyway, also spilled some of my deepest thoughts to these people as i feel that i can trust them with all my heart. i was actually relieved that i finally have ppl to share some thoughts with. what's even amazing is that i can tell alan all this without any qualms (come on, i only knew him since may 2007). it's like i've known him for years, and he could even dispense proper advice that i don't come across. thank you. as for lav and mich, thanks for always being there for me. this is one of the best days in the new year for me...u guys are my rock!!

well, guess i'll just head to bed now, allowing my body to get rest before greeting the new day. my aunt will be touching down at 6.40 pm...yay!!! she's finally back for the new year. and i guess i'll get to catch up with another old rock/greatest critic of mine tomorrow. wish me luck

ciao
je t'aime
ben

Chinese New Year

It's the lunar new year again. chinese (and half chinese like me)across the globe welcomed the earthen rat, wishing for a better year, limitless blessings, and peace to all beings. children and adults rejoiced together. houses are lit and merry. drums and fireworks fill the atmosphere. oh, what a wonderful sight to behold..

looking out of my balcony, i could see children and adults having fun. feasting, playing, being merry...with sounds of laughter and firecrackers in the air..how wonderful..

but what about me? here i am, stuck in front of the computer. i must say, it's not too bad. just an average start. woke up with a bang (from drums of lion dances). dressed to my finest (just to be at home). and eventually spent the whole evening on the bed trying to catch up on some sleep (slept late last night). but, it's still fine. as i believe, things are starting to change for me.. better changes. i just can't wait for this to happen.

and what have the stars got to say for me?? apparently, this is my best year. one of the best zodiac signs, with wealth, health and love factors fully activated. hmm, will i be able to tap and harness all this energy....

anyway, i will like to thank alan for spending the new year with me. you didn't know how wonderful that felt, just spending special occassion with a friend. we may be miles apart, but i could feel your presence. thanks again.

ciao

je t'aime
ben

p.s. perhaps i'll change some blogging elements of mine, before i make my readers more depressed....

random..

in case you haven't heard, celine is coming to town.. ok, not exactly penang, but she'll be in KL for a one-night-only concert. it's part of her 'taking chances' world tour. so.....hmm... guess i'll be spending the night of april 8th in stadium merdeka enjoying the time of my life. i just can't wait for the tickets to be on sale....argh!! celine... if only you could read this and realise that how much this means to me..

time flies really fast. it's chinese new year's eve now. weeks ago, i was busy shopping for the big day...and now, it's barely 24 hours away. 360 days gone (in lunar calendar, there's only 360 days), making way for another 360 days. let's just hope that things will turn out better for the coming year.

i've sinned again.. been pigging out for the past few days. last night, i went for 'lok-lok' with my buddies. i ate quite a lot there. then, we continued at lecka-lecka, with me having green tea gelato. as delicious as they may seem, it's still sinful. tonight was worst as i just downed a bowl of maggie mee and a few slices of bak kwa (as supper). someone better stop me before i develop a belly for new year..

i've finally come to terms with myself regarding my untouchable. i've just realised that it is not worth for me to have any emotions to this person. in fact, my untouchable is nowhere worthy now, as it failed to meet my expectations. besides, i've learned to read the signals properly now. i know my cues and signs and will not play ur silly little game anymore.

many posts ago, i did mention that i'll be getting the house all by myself for 2 weeks... now, the time is here. my parents are down under enjoying themselves.. and i am here, alone in the house.. is this a blessing? or is this a curse. i seriously can't find my heart. one way, i'm glad that i'm alone... but at the same time, i do long company from someone that i love and will love me back with me now.. if only i have this person with me..haih

singles party cancelled. yay. i don't have to do 'charity' anymore. besides, why do i want to punish myself by being in a singles party?? i wonder....there may be a hint of desperation in me, but i guess nothing will be right for me forever.

oh, went clubbing on sat nite, but it sucked. dj was lousy, feel was crappy, the crowd was poor... and i wasn't in my finest. but what the heck, i partied until 3 in the morning. what's important is that i had my friends there, as well as kah hooi, who is about to enter legal age in 4 days time... happy birthday to you (in advance, in case i don't see you)..

ciao
je t'aime
kong hei fatt choy

ben

community service

i've been invited to a party. a singles party. apparently, it's a party to show how desperate single people are and hopefully they can find a mate. the best part, i've been told by the 'host' to perform some 'community service' and invite more single desperate people to the party. apparently, i'm to look for some single, desperate, cute or good looking boys to the party... hahaha. who am i in the position to do that?? besides, i don't really know any adonis around worthy to be invited to the party (even if i do, i would have kept him to myself..haha). but in case u are interested, feel free to let me know. it's on the 16th february, 7 pm onwards. it's a potluck (still wondering what to make), and i m also the unofficial photographer for the evening... so, guys, gals, let me know if u wanna come.

next, i apologise for the long overdue blog. i was supposed to blog on thursday, but eventually, i ended up dead like a log at home. maybe it's because my yoga practise and extra guidance triggered some sleepy nerves and sent me to dreamland for the next 11 hours.. haha. so much for having proper yoga training. i was corrected by a bystander (ok, she's a graduate from Sun Yoga) for my back bend and gave some pointers on my downward facing dog and mountain pose. looks like i have got loads to catch up and correct before my training in balance come march..

chinese new year is just around the corner, and things are going more and more hectic for me. there are experiments to complete. thesis to write, things to clear, house to clear.... and all this hasn't stop me from daydreaming, and from over thinking too.. amazing huh.

oh, i've watched sweeny todd. pity that i was so tired that day that i couldn't emmerse myself completely in the movie. we went for the late night movie, and i was struggling to stay awake half way through the movie. somehow, after catching 40 winks, i managed to pop my eyes during the ending. it was so dramatic, so gruesome, and so passionate...well, the death scene is the best i've seen, second only to satin's death in moulin rouge...i have to say, tim burton and johnny depp have clearly set a new par in dark musicals....excellent

here are some of my twisted thoughts. they may not be conventional, but i think it's rather cute as i get to share my quirks here...
1) i was riding home from the gym, and i saw these two guys walking on the pavement. then i told myself, what are these people thinking as they walk along the pavement? where are they heading? what's playing in their heads? is it about safety? of the journey? or maybe about their studies? how bout their future?

2) scene: in gym. i was talking to this lady (the host for the silly party), and she asked me, what do i plan to do with my life. honestly, i couldn't answer her at all. i have lost direction on what to do. previously, i was so sure that i wanted to be a vet (somehow, my results proved otherwise). hence, i'm stuck in some local u, doing some wretched degree (in zoology). so, now, where do i go from here? my pals have been sending resumes and going for interviews. but what have i done?? nothing.

3) a friend of mine was telling me that she was spotted by a talent scout. come on, she isn't exactly that beautiful, her boobs are barely there, her fashion sense is like that of a 40 year old aunty...and she got spotted. where is my talent scout when i want one? i believe i'm passible... but i am never spotted...hmm (daydreaming..)

4) next,another issue came up.. buying property. a few friends were talking about it in the gym the other day. and boy, did i proudly say that i don't wanna buy any property. it's not that i do not want a home, but i just couldn't see myself being here for long. honestly, i don't even know if i could survive another year, what's more, to plan for a future.. i just don't see that coming.

5) last night, a casual friend just told me that i don't look macho, and what's my sexual preference.. i must admit, i wasn't comfortable with that question, but it got me thinking, quite a lot. of course my most conventional answer would be to be asexual. but am i really one? honestly, i don't see myself getting attached, married with kids and the such (maybe because i've lost hope in them), but am i really asexual. somewhere in the middle of last year, i'd decided to open up and explore my options.. but things didn't really turn out great. when it comes to girls, somehow or other, they just don't meet my standards. then again, i'll think to myself, which girl will actually be seen dating a 'non-macho' man?? shopping buddy, yes. bitching buddy, yes. but boyfriend?? hmm. then guys... it's just so hard to tell if the guy is straight or queer. and when u can tell them apart, they are just taken. and also, don't i always read, gays prefer other gays to be macho and straight acting.. apparently, ppl like me will only end up as drag-queens forever doomed to the stage of babylon boom boom....:(. hence, i give up....

6) i've tried my best not to judge people... but sometimes, that feeling is just so overwhelming. i just can't help to notice if the vibe is just so wrong and strong.. hmm. well, i've done my part. i guess nature will take it's cause

7)is this true compassion, or just silly thoughts in my head?? it happened when i was waxing my car yesterday. there's this bunch of boys hanging out in front of my house, in school uniform. all of a sudden, i had the thought to reform them, maybe even motivating them to study harder and become a better person, and even to the point of providing free tuition to them just to get them to study and not do silly things (of course, these are just thoughts in my head). then, when i was driving to the gym when i saw this dog injured at the neck. apparently, it's been in a fight and got bit on the back of the neck. the feeling was so strong for me to pull over, carry the dog in and send it to the nearest vet (but i didn't do it). are these true compassion? or are this just silly games people play with their minds?

8) and last thought...i think i shall option out from friday night supper. although the supper is something like carrot juice or tau fu fah, i think i'll try to abstain from it. it's not the food or calories that i fear...but somehow the company isn't exactly that pleasant, and i think i shall stay away from it now on..

ok, enough of my silly thoughts. feel free to laugh it all out, but just don't keep in in your hearts.. bye

kong hei fatt choy!!

je t'aime
ben

G.L.A.M.O.R.O.U.S.

Fergie?? not.. it's ME. i'm glamorous...haha. i wish. don't get me wrong, i am not suffering from an inflated ego overdose.. neither am i high on pot. just that i wanna feel, be and live glamorous. i want to fly first class, pop the bubbling..and do all that i love, and not give a damn.....
however, all these are dreams of a silly fool living in the 21st century...all i can do now is just stick to my monotonous routine, grow up, earn a living, and die peacefully...haha

have been having bouts of weird dreams and the such. one day, it was about me making a turn into mich's place (apparently the turn is called a 'toaster turn), another was about me doing my crocodile pose, with the term fool's hover in my head. this afternoon, i was dreaming of me,mich,lav and chris, walking along the promenade of esplanade, in the rain. next thing i know, my poncho was blown away, my umbrella couldn't shelter me anymore, and i was drenched to the core. feeling wet, i had actually crouched down and cried. i know. i cried and cried and cried like a lunatic. mind u, there was a RHCP song in the background (behind blue eyes), and eventually changed to enya's oronico flow....there. talk about a twisted mind.

retail therapy is better than sex. this is what i think. bought myself 2 tops yesterday....from prangin nonetheless (i always suffer from a severe headache in that particular mall). so, there's the white chinese motif/button top (for first day of CNY), and a black vest/hoodie thingy (for my next clubbing session..although i don't really know when). am so pleased with the purchases....now, i just can't wait to put them on (i've tried them on twice today, especially the black vest)...haha

mum says i should stop losing weight. apparently, i'm starting to look like a drug addict. dad thinks that i may ruin my body with the drastic weight loss (i told him last thursday). ppl tell me i shouldn't lose anymore, and should tone up instead.....
i know, but somehow, i think i really want to shed that last few kilos to end up a perfect 60. yes, i need to tone up..(more serious effort needed), but i think lean muscles are sexy....what to do.....argh

here's two ppl that i proudly say i envy them....
1) Kah Hooi... gosh, he lost so so so much weight, has so much energy...and has abs. he has abs....he has abs. i'm really impressed with him. i do my workout so often, and yet i don't see my abs...but his is there....just there. gosh...
2) Chris...first, he was fat and ugly (thank goodness i didn't know him then). then he's so slim. and now, he's complaining that he's fat...but above all that...he can eat and eat and eat and eat non stop for more than 12 hours..and still remain so thin. all i could hear from him is food, food and more food. it's like he's got this gigantic tapeworm in his tummy or something.... if only i could eat like him and not worry about anything..

thaipusam's this wed. i'm going up the hill on tues nite/wed morn, and hopefully with all my besties (old and new). really look forward to that, as this time, our circle is getting larger and larger..haha. so, wish me luck

lastly, i find myself very cheap when it comes to the 'untouchable'. i've been offering myself to help the untouchable. i know i may be kind, but is my kindness really pure? or is it with a hidden agenda? i don't know. getting to know my untouchable deeper is a good thing...but will the deepness hurt me eventually? only time will tell.. the person is still untouchable, and i am still going nowhere. maybe i need a new person in life, someone that can take me as i am. someone that will appreciate me. i don't know...haih.
this silly little game called love.....

ok, ciao.
je t'aime

milk: the new whey of life...

this is just in from men's health (jan 2008). apparently, milk is a good substitute to all those expensive protein shakes body builders take after working out. apparently, milk contains 80% whey protein and 20% casein. there guys, i can still get whey protein without paying with my life. besides, i guess all those advertised whey protein are lactose based too. guess i'll just have to stock up on my milk supply, and drink them like there's no tomorrow.

life's pretty boring when u're stuck in the same place, doing the same damn thing everyday. well, i was hoping that i could at least finish my project on the 31st of january, and celebrate chinese new year in peace. somehow, my supervisor thinks otherwise and decided to extend my project right up to valentine's day, and make me work like a horse to obtain results before handing in my thesis by the end of march. what does she take me as? heck.. i'm so frustrated, but what can i say? i'm depending on her to grant me an A, so that i can graduate with flying colours. the A is crucial as my cgpa is now getting closer and closer to the 4.00 mark. but then again, it all depends on luck. like my previous thought, good things just don't happen to me at all. one moment, i may think that i have it all, then everything takes a tumble.

untouchable, untouchable. i know it sparked some interest amongst my readers. well, don't worry, it's true. not fabricated from some idle place in my mind. just that i don't think it's right to reveal the person here. besides, i thought that i could really pass it all off...the day proves otherwise. i still see the person, enjoys its company, and actually misses it when i don't hear from it at all. could this be signs that i need someone by my side now?? hmm, i wonder.

reading my blogs, u may think that i am one desperate person trying to get laid all the time (and failing miserably in that). well, i may be desperate, but i am still a player and will never commit to any long term thingy. maybe it's just not in my veins to settle down. there is a long journey ahead, and i just can't let someone tie me down. and if my journey is short, i must savour every moment, not let another being tie me down with their thoughts, feelings and the such.
i admit that i have issues...but i guess everyone has them. it's just how they channel them. i have taken a silent oath not to be married or have kids, but this doesn't stop me from having fun at all. so..people, we must learn how not to mix our gut feeling with our minds.

enough of my miserable love life...other focus..hmm. workout. ok, i'm pretty impressed with my waist. in fact, i was so happy with it. now, i really have to take the flab off the tummy. and apparently the most effective way is to develop other areas of the trunk, like the pecs, the back and the shoulders. so, i have therefore resolve to develop these areas before my training, and hopefully they'll impress the trainers when i do my balance training (that's in march :(). oh,anyway, i took part in the 'contender' challenge organised by the gym just now. finally able to gauge my fitness level. overall, i am not to bad. i managed to run the run, squat the squat, lunge the lunge and punch the punch. just that i have to work harder on my push ups, and also on my abs. however, i was super happy in the shower just now as i finally felt my obliques. it's something that i never really thought that i could achieve and feel. but it's there...hard, and it's there. guess i'll have to work harder to train them, as well as the other abdominal muscles.

well, as lengthy as a post can be, there is always an end. and here it is, for this post. have a good day, and live life to the fullest.
je t'aime

p.s.: did i mention, the Celine Dion- a new day concert is superb. i've watched it twice already...and more to come. it's just amazing seeing my idol on stage giving her best. well, there are moments and phrases of songs which suddenly brings back memories, as well as the teary feeling in my eye..guess this is the true power of music....