you

you, of all people, decided to show up at this time. well, i respect human rights, but why must you be there. you could always be somewhere else, with somebody else. and yet, you showed up. right in front of me. and what does my keeper says?? go dance, and initiate conversation. you were not dancing, and you disappeared before i knew it. how would i to do the following? and futher still, i would regret it no matter what. so, let's just keep it at status quo... btw, i just have to say, you look really good tonight. ever as charming, ever as alluring, and yet, ever as far to reach as ever.
i was never born to reach your standards, i was never born to be on par with you. i was never born to be with you. then, why do you still appear to remind me of the things that i shouldn't exists for. i know, that i cease to exists, things would be so much better for so many. besides, you would never know nor care that whether i exists or not. i am never in your radar..
typing this tonight is really hard, as i am really drunk. i have doused myself crazy with the wine from the club, and add on those that i took from home, it is insane. well, i am longing for this sensation. at least, it takes me away from everything. let me lead a carry free life, whereby all worries and sorrow is gone, replaced by a half sober mind. at least, you are the last thing in my mind before i pass...

i should have seen what i was... the butt of jokes. i should have stayed by a sudden epiphany that i shouldn't go for gatherings involving more than 4 ppl. probably, that will keep me sane. i am not myself. i don't wanna be who i am today!! i wanna die.... i wanna let go of everything and move on. nothing is worth cherishing every moment. every moment is a burden for me... i just wanna pass on.. whereby things will be better, hopefully.

guess i will still become the wallflower that i ever will be. never seen. never known, i will forever be the one that is despised, that is overlooked, that is ignored, and that is shadow. no matter how much i climb into the limelight, i fall short of reaching the destination, for darkness finds it easier to stand in between me and whatever i want.

what's the point of looking good?? what's the point of dressing up? what's the point of putting the effort to look a little better, when all you end up is misery?? this world is only meant for certain people, and i certainly am not in the list. you look good, no matter what you put on and what you do. you are perfect, and i'd wish you that you would notice me. but no.... hahaha, silly dreams!! teenage dreams that shouldn't have happened
again, why YOU!! YOU, of all people, should be there. you!! you!! i don't know to love you or to hate you!! but you!! you are the cause of my misery tonight, and yet you will never know...YOU WILL NEVER KNOW..
these tears are for you. thank you, and you are most welcomed.. you, the one that will never know

leaving

i think it doesn't matter anymore. even if it did, i will not let it have the best of me. i will soldier on, with or without your blessings, and i know i can make it through. after all, it is not the first, and neither is it the last. deep down, i'd wish that it would have been, but fact remains, it didn't. so be it, for i just want to be happy.

this time around, i really hoped that none will know, until i reach my destination. it wasn't really for the surprise element, but just that i don't wanna make a big deal out of it. after all, it is for business, and so what. no one will realise that i am gone, for none knows or remember my existance anymore.

it lingered, longer than a moment that it should. it was good to have it back, but equally bad to have it back. don't worry, as it will not move on. things and circumstances have changed so much that i don't even feel the warmth anymore. strangely, the figurative ice is starting to make literal sense.

i had the opportunity to take on certain task that was beyond my imagination years ago. and this time, i guess i was lucky or fated to see and feel the atmosphere that was needed. aided by samaritans, and being lucky (in a way), it gave me a good chance to be closer to an ancient power. if only it could last a little longer. am hoping that i'll be wiser in the near future.

having caught two movies back to back in the past few hours, i have to say, i did learn some really important things. again, i guess i am the only person that looks beyond a movie to comprehend the message. sometimes, i do wonder if it is worth it. probably i should be a dense head and just watch, laugh and leave. but why do i have to see it, read between the lines, and learn it? in any case, dreams are important,and sometimes, big things do happen if you don't stop dreaming.

i want to dream, but can i afford this dream?

i wish you well.

i learn, and will not stop learning.

goodbye and goodnight.

blog will be on hold while i'm in Japan for a few days.
will probably update it there, but if not, cheers

ciao

Nilla-paduma

as i type this, i'm letting another course of vodka take its effect in my system. this time, it's neat, so i guess it'll be faster, and stronger.

another week has come and gone. ever so fast, it'll be december. time for the holidays.. time where ppl be cheerful and merry. but i'm guessing this is not the time for me.. never was, never is, and probably never will be. i just hope i have more time, than to write articles, to enrol for my studies and head back to the university.

went for a walkabout in the rain this morning, as i was doing a photo assignment at the clan jetties. a lot of random thoughts came to my mind. one of which happens to be that i don't really like being out of my comfort zone. i live by a certain set of rules, and that have guided me for a long time. but sometimes, change is just inevitable.

instead of going for the movies tonight, decided to stay in. i still wanna watch Astro Boy and Christmas Carol (in 3D!!!)hopefully i can catch all of those before new moon.. another hot hot movie. i guess it's time to go back to the dreamgirls period, as i enter another phase of development.

i've just had another 'heart to heart' talk, with a somewhat inconvenient source. somehow it doesn't seem proper and right, but i guessed i've done the damage. was asked to rank a few ppl in my life.. honestly, there are no rankings. i care for all.. especially to those that i have once held dear..

mid-week, i've realised 'nilla-paduma'. the blue lotus. no matter how murky the water is, the filth in the swamp, the lotus will always emerge, unharmed, beautiful, clean and pure. this is closely relevant... and with blue, it's a target for me to gain better 'idhi'.. i used to have some, and was subsequently clouded. hopefully, one day, i've cultivated enough idhi and prana, and i shall be free...

ok, time to retreat to my bed as the vodka is taking its effect.

btw, it's still not bringing any tears.. and this time, not even the saddest movie clip featuring dogs could make me cry anymore.. probably will need help soon.. hehe

ciao

september musings..

from the title, it looks as if i'm gonna write or novel or something.. don't be fooled. here are just some random thoughts over the long weekend..

1. if i were to drop down dead this instant, i wonder who would come for my wake and memorial... and who would deliver my eulogy??

2. i want my ashes to be scattered from the hills... but will the law allow for that??

3. was cranky over the weekend.. probably should learn how to control my temper and crankiness...

4. i hear the knock, but i am not letting you in..

5. how am i to lose weight, when after a step challenge class, i went for a japanese feast??

6. overspent: bought pirated dvd and cds for 30 over bucks...

7. how i wish some things were true.. sadly, i can see through the lies better (thx for the compliments, though)

8. i still don't know how to manage the situation. somehow, it cannot be under rug swept.

9. thx for the company,even though i'm a bitch. next time, i'll fly

10. i wanna fly away to somewhere else.. soon!!!!

11. will i ever gain immortality?? or am i subjected to eternal damnation??

12. stop being so generous/kind. it goes unappreciated!!! in fact, generosity and kindness is a double edged sword. it cuts everything, both ways!!

ok, i guess i'm gonna stop here.. 12 weird, morbid, random musings..viva la vie

ciao

day outs

did i mention in my previous post that i managed to catch oliver.. even if i did, so what?? the experience is simply magical. i really wish i could go for another musical. or many many other more musicals.. if only i had someone to support all my love for the arts..(hehe.. not that i am an artist, to begin with)

two weeks have come to an end. another week more before i return, and face the real world. let's hope that i am prepared to face it again. already, there were some disappointments (not gonna mention).. so, let's just hope that i am strong enough to face it again.

just a thought.. am i even ready to open up? is it ok to accept someone back into the ranks?? i dunno. any suggestions??

ciao

screwed up experiment...

i guess perhaps that's the best thing to describe what i am. probably when the higher powers decided to created me, the weren't sure of what to do, hence they screwed up. or perhaps this is the punishment for an inter-racial marriage (no offence to my parents). but this much i can say, i am a screw up..

here are a few points on why i would say so.. (was thinking of this while i was riding home from gym..hehe)
1. well, i love music. i love to sing. i can still carry a tune..but the bad part, i don't have a voice to sing. i don't have an original voice, always stuck in falsetto, and sounds aweful. wonder what was the higher power thinking when it was 'creating' my voice box
2. besides singing, i love to dance also. i was interested in classical dance, and now, some contemporary dance.. however, this passion have to take a backseat during high school, when i thought that i had two left feet. but being back in the picture is not too good either. i was told that i don't convey the passion and the energy in my dance...now, o' higher power..is this any better than having two left feet??
3. the higher powers decided to give me intelligence. i strived hard and made it to the ivory towers..but now, i don't have a job. i'm to fend for myself with nothing in hand.. is this for your enjoyment??
4. i must say, i have a rather good eye for fashion. in fact, i could tell out fabrics, match colours and patterns...but the higher powers decided not to give me the talent in drawing..
5. long ago, a little boy had the dream of being a model...but he wasn't model behaviour. hence, he learned the catwalk, developed a keen sense of fashion, and changed his image...now, time passed. the little boy changed..but guess the higher powers had the upper hand as they didn't wanna hand him charisma and stage presence...
6. then, the higher powers also decided to ruin the little boy's life by restricting his heart. now, the grown boy couldn't find his heart, and couldn't afford to love or shower anyone with affection....besides, the higher power also decided that the little boy doesn't deserve to be loved..haha

well, this was all i could think off in 20 minutes from the gym. when i reached home, i was wondering..am i lucky? or perhaps the guy with down syndrome is happier than i am.. perhaps he's better, as he's void of stress and not bugged down with all the emotional baggage....

then it came to mind.. will i be better off if i continue with what i am doing? or perhaps i should change radically. actually, the thought of being a monk and renouncing the world have been playing in my head for quite a while. there's a part in me that says that there is nothing left here for me, and i should just go be a monk... but there's also this part of me that is not ready and is still attached to worldly affairs..

guess i should enhance my cultivation, and perhaps one day, i'll take the road less travelled.

until then, perhaps i'll share some good news.. i am going for the body balance training next month. the chance is finally here..and i am seizing the moment. however, i must add, this decision didn't come easily. a few days ago, i was so tempted to just forget about going for any training, or having associating myself with anything to do with yoga, balance, or jam...but i guess the higher powers decided otherwise again...haih

is this some sort of sick joke? to screw up my life? or am i just another screwed experiment in the faulty lab of yours??? perhaps i'll be better off as a butterfly.. or heck, being my pet dog is even better than being me...

well, sorry for the emo post after all the joyous moment from the concert. perhaps all the euphoria have finally disappeared and now, it's back to the relative reality of mine...

ciao
je t'aime (again, seriously?? i have no faculty to love...)
ben

home again

so, i am back in penang again. for two days, before i head down to KL again to catch celine dion's concert. i know i've said this many many times, but i just can't wait to be there, watching her life. it's a dream come true, and is the best present the world will give me..

will try to upload some pictures from the trip.. but i guess i'll only update it after i return from the concert. hopefully, i'll be able to grab a few shots of celine dion in action. i know i've heard of her lip-synching, and all, but we all have to admit, she's the best performer for all time. come on, who can carry such beautiful notes after all these years?

anyway, met reshmonu yesterday,right after leaving starbucks in the gardens. also met some models, some datins and some celebrities (tiara) in the lobby while i was headed out for dinner. it was MIFA, hence the large gathering. i just can't help but to envy them.. anyway, the funniest thing happened. i was walking my own imaginary catwalk in the hotel and the mall. i didn't really notice it, until mum pointed out that why is my walking so akin to a ladies. i had to cover up with a quick excuse.. but i think deep down, i just couldn't give up longing to be famous one day. it did occur to me that perhaps, there'll be talent scouts standing nearby.. but perhaps luck doesn't favour me.. and perhaps, i'm just not meant to be in the limelight.

anyway, i guess the gender confusion didn't really stop, even in KL. come on, in the land of the crowded, there are so many ppl like me.. my niece and nephews that met me yesterday was wondering what the heck am i (they didn't ask, but i could sense). but what really irritated me was that the taxi driver that drove me to the airport today actually had the guts to ask me what was my gender. apparently, he confused me with a lady.

sometimes, i just can't help it. i know that the long mane worsen the problem, but what they don't see is that if i don't treasure and play with my hair now, there'll be no more hair to play with in a couple of years time. it's genetical, and i can't avoid it (i can only not pass it on). i know that my movements are rather soft, flowy and lanky.. but it's not that i didn't try to be manly. i guess i never really changed after all.

i remembered the logic when i first started going to the gym. i told myself that i must lose weight, and at the same time tone up to become more manly. but i guess i failed. terribly...

one thing, it's not that i am not comfortable being in my own skin. ok, there are certain parts that i really don't like, but then, i've learned to accept the little that i am. but why is everyone around me judging me then.. i remembered telling myself, if anyone ask me what gender i am, i shall promptly reply that i am what they think i am. if they think that i'm a male, then i'm a male. if they think that i am a female, then it shall be that. but i've never really used this thought on anyone, or perhaps i'd get so annoyed, or embarassed that i don't know what to say. and then, i can't really use that on children too, right? they'll be so confused that they'll run to their mommies..somehow, i'm like the bogeyman to them.

perhaps, the one consolation that i'll get is realising that i shall remain alone forever. that way, my companion doesn't have to wake up one day and realise that i am not what i am supposed to be. and this is also probably the best way to keep both girls and guys away from approaching me (girls will think that i'm a sista, and not able to provide security and such.. while guys will just think that i'm a freak of nature that deserves to be whacked and dunked into the toilet bowl)..hmm. how wonderful..

guess i've poured out more than i should. once again, i've disappointed myself, but i guess i just have to let some steam off. am still anticipating the arrival of 13th of april....

ciao
je t'aime (do i really?? i wonder)
ben

community service

i've been invited to a party. a singles party. apparently, it's a party to show how desperate single people are and hopefully they can find a mate. the best part, i've been told by the 'host' to perform some 'community service' and invite more single desperate people to the party. apparently, i'm to look for some single, desperate, cute or good looking boys to the party... hahaha. who am i in the position to do that?? besides, i don't really know any adonis around worthy to be invited to the party (even if i do, i would have kept him to myself..haha). but in case u are interested, feel free to let me know. it's on the 16th february, 7 pm onwards. it's a potluck (still wondering what to make), and i m also the unofficial photographer for the evening... so, guys, gals, let me know if u wanna come.

next, i apologise for the long overdue blog. i was supposed to blog on thursday, but eventually, i ended up dead like a log at home. maybe it's because my yoga practise and extra guidance triggered some sleepy nerves and sent me to dreamland for the next 11 hours.. haha. so much for having proper yoga training. i was corrected by a bystander (ok, she's a graduate from Sun Yoga) for my back bend and gave some pointers on my downward facing dog and mountain pose. looks like i have got loads to catch up and correct before my training in balance come march..

chinese new year is just around the corner, and things are going more and more hectic for me. there are experiments to complete. thesis to write, things to clear, house to clear.... and all this hasn't stop me from daydreaming, and from over thinking too.. amazing huh.

oh, i've watched sweeny todd. pity that i was so tired that day that i couldn't emmerse myself completely in the movie. we went for the late night movie, and i was struggling to stay awake half way through the movie. somehow, after catching 40 winks, i managed to pop my eyes during the ending. it was so dramatic, so gruesome, and so passionate...well, the death scene is the best i've seen, second only to satin's death in moulin rouge...i have to say, tim burton and johnny depp have clearly set a new par in dark musicals....excellent

here are some of my twisted thoughts. they may not be conventional, but i think it's rather cute as i get to share my quirks here...
1) i was riding home from the gym, and i saw these two guys walking on the pavement. then i told myself, what are these people thinking as they walk along the pavement? where are they heading? what's playing in their heads? is it about safety? of the journey? or maybe about their studies? how bout their future?

2) scene: in gym. i was talking to this lady (the host for the silly party), and she asked me, what do i plan to do with my life. honestly, i couldn't answer her at all. i have lost direction on what to do. previously, i was so sure that i wanted to be a vet (somehow, my results proved otherwise). hence, i'm stuck in some local u, doing some wretched degree (in zoology). so, now, where do i go from here? my pals have been sending resumes and going for interviews. but what have i done?? nothing.

3) a friend of mine was telling me that she was spotted by a talent scout. come on, she isn't exactly that beautiful, her boobs are barely there, her fashion sense is like that of a 40 year old aunty...and she got spotted. where is my talent scout when i want one? i believe i'm passible... but i am never spotted...hmm (daydreaming..)

4) next,another issue came up.. buying property. a few friends were talking about it in the gym the other day. and boy, did i proudly say that i don't wanna buy any property. it's not that i do not want a home, but i just couldn't see myself being here for long. honestly, i don't even know if i could survive another year, what's more, to plan for a future.. i just don't see that coming.

5) last night, a casual friend just told me that i don't look macho, and what's my sexual preference.. i must admit, i wasn't comfortable with that question, but it got me thinking, quite a lot. of course my most conventional answer would be to be asexual. but am i really one? honestly, i don't see myself getting attached, married with kids and the such (maybe because i've lost hope in them), but am i really asexual. somewhere in the middle of last year, i'd decided to open up and explore my options.. but things didn't really turn out great. when it comes to girls, somehow or other, they just don't meet my standards. then again, i'll think to myself, which girl will actually be seen dating a 'non-macho' man?? shopping buddy, yes. bitching buddy, yes. but boyfriend?? hmm. then guys... it's just so hard to tell if the guy is straight or queer. and when u can tell them apart, they are just taken. and also, don't i always read, gays prefer other gays to be macho and straight acting.. apparently, ppl like me will only end up as drag-queens forever doomed to the stage of babylon boom boom....:(. hence, i give up....

6) i've tried my best not to judge people... but sometimes, that feeling is just so overwhelming. i just can't help to notice if the vibe is just so wrong and strong.. hmm. well, i've done my part. i guess nature will take it's cause

7)is this true compassion, or just silly thoughts in my head?? it happened when i was waxing my car yesterday. there's this bunch of boys hanging out in front of my house, in school uniform. all of a sudden, i had the thought to reform them, maybe even motivating them to study harder and become a better person, and even to the point of providing free tuition to them just to get them to study and not do silly things (of course, these are just thoughts in my head). then, when i was driving to the gym when i saw this dog injured at the neck. apparently, it's been in a fight and got bit on the back of the neck. the feeling was so strong for me to pull over, carry the dog in and send it to the nearest vet (but i didn't do it). are these true compassion? or are this just silly games people play with their minds?

8) and last thought...i think i shall option out from friday night supper. although the supper is something like carrot juice or tau fu fah, i think i'll try to abstain from it. it's not the food or calories that i fear...but somehow the company isn't exactly that pleasant, and i think i shall stay away from it now on..

ok, enough of my silly thoughts. feel free to laugh it all out, but just don't keep in in your hearts.. bye

kong hei fatt choy!!

je t'aime
ben

What's become of our society

case 1: a lady was snatched off her golden necklace in front of my house on wednesday morning. it was 8.30 and a thieve was so bold to snatch her, and they were both on motorcycles.
case 2: a broken pvc pipe, 2 bronze urns, a metal stand and a few pairs of slippers and articles of clothes were stolen from my house. some may be worth something, some may worth peanuts.
case 3: student's loitering at the playground when they should be in school. as if playing truant was not enough, some were smoking even though they are underaged

here are 3 case examples of what our society have become today. i don't have to look far. i don't have to scan the newspapers or sit in front of the telly. all i had to do was to look out my front door. these cases may seem all, or nothing. although we are gripped with sensational stories such as the recent 'Nurin' case, or the 'Shearway' case, we are also blind to the downfall of society around us.

i attended the freedom film festival two weeks ago. my first block was on gangsterism. many people were vocal of their opinions of gangsterism, but none have come out with a proper solution. some even dismissed this as a sub-culture of another society (the movie was based in singapore) and it doesn't happen here. but let me tell you, it does. in fact, it happens right under our noses. but what have we done?

leaders, NGOs and others may have much to say, but have they put it to action? have they try to reform? to teach? or even to educate the society of these social ills?

lets review the 3 cases that i highlighted. the first two cases was motivated by financial gains. but have they ever stopped to think of what will become of the individual that they caused ill? what if the lady were to fall, crash and injure herself ? i lost my aunt to a case of snatch theft. she was snatched, pushed, and knocked her head on the curb by the road. she passed away 3 days later. but until this moment, we still couldn't find the culprit. theft may not cause any physical injury, but think of the inconvenience caused to the family. imagine waking up one morning to pray, just to realise that my urn has gone missing. well...what more can i say

as for the third case, i highlighted it because it is just as important. as they say, bad habits start from young. if people are not educated the right way, they will fail for the rest of their lives. no offence to the majority out there, but these kids that play truant are actually sons of cops living in the neighbourhood. maybe they have this false sense of immunity against the law, making them bold to leave school.

everytime i see them, i think to myself, why am i working my ass of to complete my studies? i do that to secure my future. but look at them, they don't have to be in school, they don't have to study, and yet, they will be given a place in society. universities will open their doors to them. civil departments will gladly welcome them, and like it or not, they will be granted 30% equity in all firms. all this because it's their birth right. wow.

so, what do u think? is that our society? is that what we've become? after 50 years of independace, is that how we should lead our lives? is that what the future have become? where crime and social ills rule the way? what i've highlighted is just the tip of the iceberg. there's more in this society, but what can we do?

it's all up to you. thanks for reading, and ciao