blind

i guess this post is long overdue. although i did want to write something here, i can never muster the courage, the time or the strength to write my thoughts here. i have the weird sense of insecurity, and i guess it is harming me in more ways than ever.

i guess i've finally learnt how to let you go. i am no longer obsessed with you. in fact, you have faded so seamlessly that i don't remember where, when or how. it was never a doubt that the moments i had with you (although very brief) were beautiful. just like you, simply beautiful. however, i don't think that i will stop loving you, hence i will love you forever.

to you,thank you for allowing me to have those wonderful moments together. 3 years, and now, we are moving on. i wish you joy, happiness, and above all things, love. i know you will be better when you are gone. and that is why, i promise myself that i shall not miss you that often. again, i was blind at that moment, but my blindness will not stop me from loving you forever.

explorations. they don't work. they will never work, and i am just a natural human repellant. a few conversations, and i never hear from you again. a few sms-es, a phone call, and no more news from you. a few lines, and then, you're gone. thank you then, i say, for showing me the way. thank you also, i say, for making me realise that it is only but a short lived dream.

i don't know what are my chances anymore, but i think i am too tired to continue on. i don't wanna take it anymore, and i have had enough of this shit. if only things could work out easier for me, then i wouldn't have to be in this dilemma so often.

i only smile when i want to. i also have the 'you don't look important for me to smile at you' look (so says my friend), which i think is pretty true. so, i guess it is fate, and i shall learn to accept it. come what may, i say. come what may.

i am so blind i guess i will never see the light. i should learn to refocus. at this moment, i am already dumping a lot of my attachments, and moving on to a higher level of realisation. i hope that i do not falter in this quest, to reinvent a new me. i guess you can call it the final stage of Marslow's heirarchy of needs. i am now going for spiritual development, and i think it is for the best.

wish me luck.

anyway, the only interesting thing that happened was that i was in Japan again, to attend the conference. as usual, it is cold, and it snowed, but i loved it to bits. however, my prayers to all those affected by the tsunami and the earthquake. i do wish that i can go there and help all i can, but i guess it is not forthcoming.

have a pleasant evening.

rainbow 10

may 28th. i guess i shall now remember this day for quite a while. it was wesak day, and also, the start of my 'rainbow' tour to KL. it was the start, of something new. something that i had always wanted to try, and now that i've experienced it, i guess i am sure what i want even more. may 28th. however, it was pity that you didn't leave a name, and a number. but i have to say, thank god for bars that make long island teas... they sure know how to put in those maraschino cherries.. and they do wonders.

still on the rainbow tour, i finally saw the truth. i saw the crux of the matter, and i am adamant that i will not get involve in the whole mess. i cannot afford to be in the mess, as i am a wreck, and i have baggage. it is better that i become the escapade, rather than part of the mess. fun is all i need right now.

moved out of the stone age. finally got myself a new phone. probably it was a blessing in disguise, for if i had not lost the old one, i wouldn't have made such drastic changes. out with the old, and in with the new, they say. this couldn't be more true. i appreciate those who have been there in the past, but it is time to empty the closet and make room for new beginnings.

i am ready to try again. but you will have to accept me with all my baggage.

ciao

Reporting live.. Kawasaki, Japan

it's been four nights here in Kawasaki, and i have to say, i am loving it. the feeling of being so far away from home, being so far away from everyting else. if only i don't have to wake up from this dream, and face the reality of life. if only all these could last a little longer, and perhaps i will be better.

snow. beautiful.white. that was exactly what i experienced the first night i was here. although this is not my first time walking in the snow, it never failed to impress me how beautiful, pure, and yet cold it is. i guess my emotional manisfestation have even brought forward the love of being in the snow. anyway, i was informed that it rarely snows here, and i was lucky to have experienced the second snowfall this season (in fact, there was a third snow fall last night, but it wasn't just as heavy as the first night. am now praying for more tonight).

shopping.eating.learning.culture. all these aspects have been mentioned so many times in my blog, and this is the first time where i really get to live the life. it is just so amazing to be in a place when there is so much happenings going on. what's more, being the adventurous person that i am, it is no surprise that i have discovered more charm in the city of kawasaki than the industrial estates.

politics.friends.state.self : being on a same trip with one of the most seasoned politician of Penang has its pro and cons. in fact, i've come to learn of more things regarding politics, and also the thinking of the man behind one of the more important portfolios in Penang State Government. besides that, i've also managed to see a more down-to-earth human part for it, and probably did regain some of my trust to exercise my voting rights during the next election.

diva.impressions.celebrity: i guess the water did affect some of my thinking here (or maybe it is just too cold), but i did one of the most amazing things that i wouldn't have done it in penang..taking self portraits. i know, the first thing i expect would be labelled vain. but don't judge me yet. look at the pictures on FB, and then tell me what you think. as to impressions, i didn't know that my presentation have left such a huge impression amongst the participants in the forum. in fact, i have been approached several times today, with people asking me to take pictures with them. besides that, being congratulated over and over again, and also being the subject of admiration (as i was told by a friend of shenyang) did inflate my ego a little. i promise i won't let it get to my head, but do cut me some slack so that i can enjoy my moment of glory. it is not surprising that my presentation is flawless, as i do enjoy being there in front..hehe.

on separate matters, i know my previous post sounded bleak, but what the heck.. haha. it reflects my thoughts, emotions and opinions. hahah. but then, i do know how to become a better person, and i will not let [Q] get into the way of being Ben.

sayonara.

ai shiteru.
Ben

leaving

i think it doesn't matter anymore. even if it did, i will not let it have the best of me. i will soldier on, with or without your blessings, and i know i can make it through. after all, it is not the first, and neither is it the last. deep down, i'd wish that it would have been, but fact remains, it didn't. so be it, for i just want to be happy.

this time around, i really hoped that none will know, until i reach my destination. it wasn't really for the surprise element, but just that i don't wanna make a big deal out of it. after all, it is for business, and so what. no one will realise that i am gone, for none knows or remember my existance anymore.

it lingered, longer than a moment that it should. it was good to have it back, but equally bad to have it back. don't worry, as it will not move on. things and circumstances have changed so much that i don't even feel the warmth anymore. strangely, the figurative ice is starting to make literal sense.

i had the opportunity to take on certain task that was beyond my imagination years ago. and this time, i guess i was lucky or fated to see and feel the atmosphere that was needed. aided by samaritans, and being lucky (in a way), it gave me a good chance to be closer to an ancient power. if only it could last a little longer. am hoping that i'll be wiser in the near future.

having caught two movies back to back in the past few hours, i have to say, i did learn some really important things. again, i guess i am the only person that looks beyond a movie to comprehend the message. sometimes, i do wonder if it is worth it. probably i should be a dense head and just watch, laugh and leave. but why do i have to see it, read between the lines, and learn it? in any case, dreams are important,and sometimes, big things do happen if you don't stop dreaming.

i want to dream, but can i afford this dream?

i wish you well.

i learn, and will not stop learning.

goodbye and goodnight.

blog will be on hold while i'm in Japan for a few days.
will probably update it there, but if not, cheers

ciao

how?

little did i realise, it's been a week since i was in Hong Kong. last week, this time, i was taking chances exploring rides in Ocean Park. I have to say, it was enjoyable there, to find a theme park that is so exciting and enjoyable. what's more, i kinda like their fauna exhibits there, including the seals and the dolphins.. it's always been a dream to be able to work around/with them, and i wouldn't mind if i got an offer to be relocated to Ocean Park to work in their educational programme for marine life.

am now exploring my options in conducting my research again. after a lag of a few months, am in limbo onto how to reorientate my research to bring significance to me, the institute, and also to the general public. as my field is relatively foreign in this land, it is not easy to plan, and think of how to go about. emails to the professor is not doing much good too, as he seems a little passive about my research. i need a sign and a guide.. come on!!

how can we tell someone something so much, and yet not tell the most important thing at all? how can we know so much and yet know nothing at all?? isn't life funny that things are not revealed clearly, instead leaving us in limbo and confusion? the worst is, how can one feel so much, and yet not feel right? and then, why do we choose to see what our eyes want to see? when there is even more apparent things right in front of us waiting to be seen... i certainly need to take a break, and listen to my heart for better guidance (however, the heart can also be confusing, as it is still endowed with emotions).

looking back, i have not been kind to myself, and not being kind to anyone else. is this how it is supposed to be? or should i just let go and let loose? is this just another big mistake waiting to repeat itself? i do not want to drown in my own emotions, and yet i trust no one to confide in.. why is it so ironic??

and speaking of ironic, i have seen the person asking the most ironic person.. it's like, i want to yell out to you, and yet i couldn't do so. and then, there is the other, whom i thought i knew, and yet i don't... and then there is the one that i yearn to know, and you just keep shutting me off...i can see the 'no vacancy' sign, but couldn't you just let me in through your door?

i'm sorry for all that have transpired, and i am sorry that i have let you down. it shouldn't have surfaced, and it shouldn't have happened.. and yet it did.

just a random thought: how can a person be left in a city of lights, filled with people, seen so many faces and hear so many voices, and yet feel so alone and foreign?

my bestie was shocked, and worried, and i guess i shouldn't have put her into the trauma. don't worry, i won't do anything silly..:). but then, the cemetery in macau was kinda pretty too...hehehe.

(blogpost written while listening to Leona Lewis's Homeless, and Better in Time, hence the darker mood).

Ciao

back again

after spending 6 days in Hong Kong and Macau, i am finally back. however, am really sorry that i didn't blog immediately, as i was caught up with work, and also trying to get back with life. it's back to reality now (not that hong kong was any bliss.. haha)

going on this trip has left me with many confusion, and probably it is not the most relaxing trip that i have been to. on one hand, i am really happy and enjoyed myself, but there is also a great sense of disappointment and frustration.

i do wonder, what if i have chosen to stay put instead of going on that trip. had i chosen that choice, will it be better? will i be in a better state? i guess what is done is done.. i wasn't strong enough to say no, and i wasn't strong enough to follow the deeper voice of my heart.

i guess i'll probably start off with the happy parts. for one, i managed to cover a lot in Hong Kong (but not all). being the seasoned traveller, it is no surprise that i can manage it well despite it being my first time. as mentioned, i hate to be the leader, and i wasn't pleased with leading.. so, this may be the first and last time that i am doing it. should there be another trip again, i shall not do the planning, nor the leading. maybe i'll just take the back seat and just be the average tourist.

most of us did shop a lot, but for once, i didn't do that much shopping as expected. for once, i could not bring myself to splurge.. probably i was worried of the excess luggage thing.. and then, there was the point in me that got so confused with so many different things that eventually, i just didn't bother. then, when it was time to be at the greatest shopping mall of Hong Kong, i just lost all interest and went back to the hotel to rest instead.

i do have to admit, i did have a great time in ocean park. it was fun, but sometimes, queues could be outrageously long. pity that we had to give the halloween bash a miss. if only we could have done that too.. then certainly, it would be a much more memorable occassion.

then, there was the comparison between hong kong and kowloon, and hong kong and macao. personally, i really love the island compared to kowloon. there is a certain charm on the island, and also the lovely houses on the peak.. but then, macao is a different world altogether that i do wish that i can call my own there. i have to say, the gambling strip and the waterfront seemed a little fake, but in places such as taipa and coloane, it is really beautiful.

one of the quirkiest thing that i did during this trip was to actually went to seek the oracle, and had my palm read. it all came as a coincidence, as i didn't really want to seek the oracle. however, as if a natural force came into play, i actually seeked the sticks, and got it read. well, it was not too bad an oracle, but i have my reservations. had my palm read, and was told quite a number of things. i guess there are certain points that i will have to believe cos it was true... but i guess i am not trusting all. will probably update the oracle and the palm reading soon.

had actually planned to write another part of the phoenix saga here, but i guess my inspirations were limited again, and this has officially become a travel-ranting post.

will write a little more on my dark side/thoughts about the trip too, soon...

last but not least, thank to all... and thank you so much for opening my eyes again. i looked, but i didn't see.. now that i have used my heart, i finally understand.

ciao

[Q]

Both sides now..

just spent another day in London city. in fact, i managed to spend about 6 hours in the zoo.. guess u can never take the zoologist/animal lover out of me, no matter where i go.. and thus, i have completed both my priority 'must-see'. will probably drop by st paul and the national art gallery in my last trip down, before i leave and head back to reality.

after spending 2 weeks here, time to do some evaluation again...have to look at the other side of the coin now, and make some pretty big decisions. should i or should i not.. i am not certain. of course, recent changes have given me a boost and some extra leverage.. but, is it enough to cover the past, and change it? gimme strength, and i shall soldier on.

anyway, am confused!!

am i finally losing it?

cheers

day outs

did i mention in my previous post that i managed to catch oliver.. even if i did, so what?? the experience is simply magical. i really wish i could go for another musical. or many many other more musicals.. if only i had someone to support all my love for the arts..(hehe.. not that i am an artist, to begin with)

two weeks have come to an end. another week more before i return, and face the real world. let's hope that i am prepared to face it again. already, there were some disappointments (not gonna mention).. so, let's just hope that i am strong enough to face it again.

just a thought.. am i even ready to open up? is it ok to accept someone back into the ranks?? i dunno. any suggestions??

ciao

Day 10

Almost a week since i last blogged. so much for being a seasonal blogger.. haha. things just freezes up when i'm on holiday. thankfully, i'm really enjoying myself here. it's a really great experience, and great fun to be away. however, there are still some 'not-too-good' moments that i guess i'll have to endure.

was in brighton over the weekend. ah, brighton, the lovely capital for the alternative lifestyle. here, you can be really out of the norm, and still fit in. anyway, was there during one of the biggest event in town: Brighton Gay Pride Parada/Festival. yes, it was the pride. yes, i was there... and sadly, no, i missed the whole event. reason: rainpour, and i'm with family.. so, they don't really wanna drive me into town, and of course, i just can't say 'see you guys, i'm gonna go partying tonight'.. haha. however, did manage to catch some of the night scene. and when we tried to catch up the next day, the festival was all over.. haih.

after brighton (down south), it was all the way up to the north (ok, ok.. not that far off north), to frinton, clacton and coulchester. the beach in frinton is really really beautiful (and different) due to the 'posh' neighbourhood. i really want to own a house here..(hehe..secretly wishing to win the lotto)!!.. then, it was to clacton, where it was more of a public beach,and yet, so beautifully managed and maintained.. really put the Penang beaches to shame.. hehe. then, it was off to coulchester.. the earliest recorded town in England. established by the Romans, this town dates back to the time of Ceaser, and there are still remnants of the Roman empire in town. really really amazing to be able to step back in time, and feel what the romans felt.. simply amazing.

then, it was off to kew gardens this morning. it was one of my missions to be at kews this trip. i was really looking forward for it, and yet, it was magnificent. mere words cannot describe the beauty and splendour of this place. all you would want to see for a botanic gardens, it is in kews.. amazing. i actually spent about 3 & 1/2 hours there, and only managed to walk about 85% of the gardens. i really wish that they would have an opening for me.. (hehe. again, secret wish to boss so that he'll send me to kews for training)..but i guess, eventually, reality will set in, and i'll be back at my desk come the 17th..

another trip is scheduled tomorrow. tomorrow, i'll be off to kensington, and also to oxford st, doing some shopping. time to lead a little 'high-life', and feel a little loaded for a while.. hehe. probably drop by Harrods for a visit.. and then to Louis Vuitton.. hehe. really wanna be the fashion socialite, but i guess my current position will not be encouraging enough.. hehe.

just a little 'feel-good' moment. was in leicester square earlier this evening, and accidentally walked into the red-carpet premier of 'the ugly truth', with katherine heigl and gerard butler expected to be there. joined in and watched for a little while, soaked up the atmosphere, and felt so good. at least, now i can say that i was once at a film premier and red-carpet.. haha

ok, enough for now.. am trying to conserve some energy before hitting the road again tomorrow. now, am planning to go to london zoo, and then, to catch a musical. probably may want to watch 'priscilla, queen of the desert'.. supposed to be a good, camp musical!! hmm.. no wonder dr dave loved it.. haha

ciao

4th day

it's the 4th morning away from home. it feels so good, and just so nice to be away from my mundane and boring life. the lovely summer here is just so wonderful, that given, i don't mind spending the rest of my days here.. however, reality beckons, and i know i have to return. but i promise myself, i must try to look for a job here.. like the ecologist attached to the construction of the olympic stadiums in UK.. so amazing.

anyway, i had one of the most magical moment yesterday, when i was praying in the Westminster Abbey. yes, the very grand, very true, very gothic, simply amazing abbey. it was such a surreal feeling, and i managed to follow the 'evensong'. amazing. i don't mind going there again, and just spend my time in tranquility there.

impermanence.. somehow, i can still think about it, after being miles and days away from it. i hope to change, and i hope for something better.. but it's just so glaring, and so in the face.. if only..

anyway, why do ppl like to judge, assume and have wrong impressions of things? it's not like i have done anything..besides, this is my life.. and i owe it to no one but myself. if only they could understand. possibly, this is why, i still stand by my side.

tarbush, causeway & sakae

it was a lovely saturday morning, the sun was shining, the birds were singing.. and what did yours truly do?? he decided to go to the city for sight-seeing. well, soon after breakfast, he, together with his international friends caught a cab to the national museum, in the city centre. there, he spent the time, observing the exhibits, playing with his imagination, and was annoyed silly by the little kids there(about a hundred of 5 year olds on a school excursion).. gosh, those kids were everywhere, and were constantly breaking my chain of thougts. one moment, i was in a neolithic cave of gua niah, next moment, the chatter and noise grounded me back to reality. as i was in the 'palace' of malacca, admiring the throne, the pitter patter of their feet (they were wearing horrible clogs instead of shoes) reminded me the sorry fact that i will not have kids..haha. eventually, yours truly still enjoyed his time in the museum..

next up, yours truly decided to head to the national zoo. he was so hoping that he could see the changes in the zoo since his last visit (which was like, when he was 5). so, yours truly called his friend, le chef extrodinnaire, and agreed to go to the zoo. however, as le chef extrodinnaire was working half day, so yours truly have to go to his office to wait for him. initially, yours truly was to wait at the train station.. but since he was early, he decided to look for the le chef's office. after walking in the sweltering heat, he finally managed to locate le chef's office punctually.. however, le chef couldn't get off from his work.. and hence the wait began.. first, it was 10 minutes.. then another 15 minutes.. then another 10. finally, after yours truly stood for 40 minutes in the porch of le chef's office, le chef finally showed up..

still keen on going to the zoo, yours truly didn't give up, and doesn't really blame le chef (cos it wasn't entirely his fault). however, as yours truly have been living on a 'halal' diet for the past two weeks, he'd decided to have some pork for lunch. however, being stranded on the heart of the city, it's not easy looking for some pork.. and so, the two friends wandered to the closest mall, and decided to hunt for lunch. after searching high and low, they finally stumbled upon a chinese eatery. boy, were they glad.. but however, none of them ordered pork for lunch.. instead, they had duck noodles (should be renamed dark noodles) and stewed beef noodles..

after satisfying their tummy, the two friends decided to continue with thier agenda. however, the skies have another plan for them.. it was raining cats and dogs.. or should i say, elephants and horses??? hence, the trip to the zoo was called off..leaving the two friends aimless and clueless on what to do. seeing that the sky was still dark, the two friends decided to head to KLCC and reorganise their agenda from there..

once in KLCC, the immense crowd was too much to take in.. everywhere, there's a person, a body beside you. there's hardly any room to turn, and barely enough to breath.. all for.. the PIKOM PC fair. seeing that, the two friends decided to leave and head off the the pavilion, whereby the crowd is not that bad.. after browsing aimlessly for about an hour in the posh mall, the two friends began their search for food again. really missing his pork, yours truly was slowly turning hysteric. (btw, i think the low sugar level was also driving me nuts).. haha.

so, they made their exit, still looking for something to eat. after some bickering and disagreement, they finally decided to try some lebanese desserts. Tarbush they went, gearing up to feast on something different. since it was the first for yours truly, i wasn't really geared up for the burst of flavour and taste of lebanese food. we started off with the hummus. chick pea paste with sesame oil, served with lebanese bread. i can't really describe how the taste is, but surely, it's an acquired taste (think: guacamole and tree bark)!!.

next up, mahalabia and baklava. yup, i had the great fanny.. and boy, was it sweet. actually, it's just curdled milk with roasted pistachio.. but it was so sweet, that it sent shudder to my bones. the baklava was just as bad. an assortment of nuts and spices, wrapped in puff pastry.. and with the first bite, it's sure to send you to the heaven of the tooth fairy.. so sweet was the taste that if i were to have another plate, i'd sure be pissing syrup the next morning..

after all the sweet treats, the crave for pork resurfaced in yours truly.. hence, the hunt started all over again. looking for pork in bukit bintang is like looking for a needle in the haystack. being the heart of the urban malay city, it's not easy to find something chinese, something familiar.. after scouring 2 malls, finally settled in causeway in low yat plaza for some hong kong food. wow.. that was heavenly. it may not be the healthiest food on earth, but it sure was the best for the week. having the roast pork in my mouth.. it was just sensational.

so, it wasn't all bad for yours truly on the saturday. true, it was raining cats and dog (and was still raining when i got back to the hostel), but it wasn't a poor day. i finally tried middle eastern food.. and may consider trying the main course some other time.. and managed to get my earrings (after looking for it for almost 4 years). i guess man can still plan, but ultimately, the greater power will show you the way...

btw, i managed to catch up on some health food just now.. sushi!! in sakae in 1-utama. once again, i loaded up on salmon and various other types of sushi, had the sukiyaki, and enjoyed the great company of mr thailand, mr indonesia, and ms indonesia.. haha.

the sandman beckons now.

ciao
je t'aime

quarterly 1/09

so, last sunday was hell of a day for me, as i had a 'whirlwind tour' of KL to attend the super workshop for 2009. flying in and out of KL is amazing, but probably the timing is just too long, for i took the first flight in and the last flight out.

quarterly 1/09- amazing, crowded... and i guess that's all i felt for the day. however, i really enjoyed doing bodyvive, and am so inspired by tracy. she's simply amazing as an instructor/presenter.. wow. and of course, seeing riyo on the stage for balance..so cute!! but i guess ben doesn't really belong there.. as for jam.. same old, same old..arnold and fetty. this is the second time i'm seeing them, fun..yes. amazed..probably not. however, am really delighted to know that they brought back 'diva-ness' into the jive track. it's simply beautiful..(not too keen on the songs, though).

aquaria klcc- apart from attending the workshop, also spent some time in aquaria klcc. first time there, and am quite impressed with the collection. however, some of the labels are just not accurate and doesn't provide much information. things that are worth mentioning including the pygmy marmoset (such adorable creatures), those huge arapaimas, large nurse sharks, black-tip reef sharks and leopard shark. am also impressed with the skates and rays collection, but would be even more amazed had they managed to get a manta ray. am a little disappointed with the snakes, amphibians and turtle collection. they only had chelonia and erytmochelys.. hmm..
oo.. did see some nautili.. am so facinated by these creatures.. really hope to see them in the wild.

speaking of wild, i just can't help but to feel like i want to return to the wild. going back into the sea... or headed into some jungles or forest. in fact, i plan to take 2 days off in may, and find some secluded spot for my retreat. am toying with a few ideas like camping, bungalow stay, or probably staying in a hotel somewhere. i wouldn't mind camping on monkey beach once again... hahah. or probably head to south view of a bungalow stay (alone!! with friends from spiritual world.. haha) or probably just head over to bellevue for a night.

apparently (according to my bestie), i don't handle situations well and would want to escape from it all, but becoming anti-social, retreating into my little world, and turning hostile.. according to her, i've done this several times, and am doing it again..wonder if she's right??

was reading a certain blog just now, and just realised how personalities can differ so much virtually and in reality. was surprised, and confused..btw, am also suffering from a bout of confusion and attention deficit disorder, as i am fatigued inside out, and it's apparent on my face. wonder how am i gonna survive until after work??

ok, signing off to the real world again.

ciao
ben

for those searching for heroes, look within thyself first!!!(inspired from the song from bodyattack)

KL again

i'm here in KL again, after about a month. this time, i am seated in starbucks 1utama as i write this..haha. yes, i'm a starbucks junkie. so sue me. anyway, this is gonna be a really short post as i am about to head home (joa's place) to get some decent rest.
anyway, the trip down here was really nice. managed to stop over in ipoh for about an hour to do some shopping, get some really thick coffee, biscuits, and also tasted the famous salted chicken in ipoh. it's amazing that i can still remember the roads after 2 years from not being there.
speaking of driving, also managed to drive down all the way from ipoh to KL without any untowards incident. this time, the drive is better as the car is actually an auto car (and really large too). managed to locate joa's place without much hassle (considering the fact that i still remember the damansara-penchala way). anyway, it's amazing that joa's housemate is actually geraldine jeremiah, the writer from galaxie. she's such a sweet person to be with. besides, i kinda got my reward from being an avid reader/collector (my earliest issue dates back to 1996), as she gave me a few cds to enjoy..gosh, joa has got really nice company.
anyway, wish me luck as i will be starting my balance training tomorrow. it'll be tough, as expected, but i guess i'm only going to have fun there. anyway, there's been untowards sign as our consignment of dvd for the training is being held by the customs. ah...bad feeling, bad start. let's just hope that everything will be better tomorrow..haha.
anyway, am signing out now.
ciao
je t'aime
ben
p.s. i'm diggin' my ipod!!

KL trip, part 3

here are some shots from the gardens, the latest posh hotel in town. strategically lovated in midvalley, and about 30 minutes from the airport. being the new kid in town, only 3 levels of rooms are open (and the coffee house), but they managed to host the dinner for MIFA (Malaysian International Fashion Alliance)..so, here goes the posh kid..

view from the parlour. the room is spacious (and new). i could still smell the furniture...


view from the end of the room to the other end. told u it was spacious


here's the lovely bathroom.. i could imagine having one of this in my dream home..


view from the bathroom all the way to the other end of the room. note the wardrobe to the left..


my favourite thing from the whole stay....the overhead shower. it was such a relaxing experience just standing under the shower!! of couse, the tub was also just as nice..but the shower is really something different!!

well, so here's one of the many good things when i travel with my mum.. i get to stay in posh, new hotels without having to pay for a single cent. trust me, the experience was really nice..

KL trip, part 2

so, here's what happened on the first day of my trip to KL. we were bored, hence we headed up to genting for a day trip.


no trip to genting will be complete without the skyway. it's amazing that a man could actually envision such great technology, even before the 'amazing' technological age..


genting is famous for it's theme park. this is the outdoor theme park. we didn't bother going there for a few reasons..besides, i was there 3 years ago. and did the solero shot thing...


the indoor theme park. wasn't really interested in the rides. was more excited with the casino (my first time there). well, i would say, the food there is quite nice.


something that really caught my attention..the carlo rino showcase. it was so beautifully set up that i just couldn't resist taking a picture of it.

anyway, it was a fruitful day trip (earned some shopping money)..probably i'll snap more pix next time...

KL trip, part 1

here's the first bit on my recent KL trip. as it was a relaxing trip, there was nothing much to do except to eat and eat. coupled with my mum, eating is inevitable. therefore, i decided to capture the memories of some of the food that was eaten in KL..


this was my 'sizzling pork chop' platter in genting. i must say, it was really delicious, considering the fact that it's a hainanese outlet.


this was the 'hainanese chicken chop' that mum had. the sauce is just as good...


the second night in the hotel, we were too tired to go out for food, hence, we headed over to midvalley to raid the stores for food. first item, big apple donughts.. slightly overrated (we have missy's here), but just as sinful


next, tai tong eggtarts. not as good as those i get from penang..but still, good for supper, breakfast and lunch...haha


next, sushi from jusco. we love japanese, so it's inevitable that we should raid jusco for the sushi, and also some sashimi and the roasted chicken


cheesecake...for dessert. u can actually see the sashimi slightly above the cheesecake. haha.


this was my bbq chicken from outback, a store just outside lot 10. very succulent chicken.. and lovely vege!!


leroy's chicken fingers, also from outback.

i'd forgotten to bring my camera when i had tgif, so no pix from there. also forgotten when i went out with my cousin for dinner in bangsar. so, no pix from the italian shop there. as you can see, i kinda had loads to eat.. so, it's no wonder that i have put on some pounds..haha

home again

so, i am back in penang again. for two days, before i head down to KL again to catch celine dion's concert. i know i've said this many many times, but i just can't wait to be there, watching her life. it's a dream come true, and is the best present the world will give me..

will try to upload some pictures from the trip.. but i guess i'll only update it after i return from the concert. hopefully, i'll be able to grab a few shots of celine dion in action. i know i've heard of her lip-synching, and all, but we all have to admit, she's the best performer for all time. come on, who can carry such beautiful notes after all these years?

anyway, met reshmonu yesterday,right after leaving starbucks in the gardens. also met some models, some datins and some celebrities (tiara) in the lobby while i was headed out for dinner. it was MIFA, hence the large gathering. i just can't help but to envy them.. anyway, the funniest thing happened. i was walking my own imaginary catwalk in the hotel and the mall. i didn't really notice it, until mum pointed out that why is my walking so akin to a ladies. i had to cover up with a quick excuse.. but i think deep down, i just couldn't give up longing to be famous one day. it did occur to me that perhaps, there'll be talent scouts standing nearby.. but perhaps luck doesn't favour me.. and perhaps, i'm just not meant to be in the limelight.

anyway, i guess the gender confusion didn't really stop, even in KL. come on, in the land of the crowded, there are so many ppl like me.. my niece and nephews that met me yesterday was wondering what the heck am i (they didn't ask, but i could sense). but what really irritated me was that the taxi driver that drove me to the airport today actually had the guts to ask me what was my gender. apparently, he confused me with a lady.

sometimes, i just can't help it. i know that the long mane worsen the problem, but what they don't see is that if i don't treasure and play with my hair now, there'll be no more hair to play with in a couple of years time. it's genetical, and i can't avoid it (i can only not pass it on). i know that my movements are rather soft, flowy and lanky.. but it's not that i didn't try to be manly. i guess i never really changed after all.

i remembered the logic when i first started going to the gym. i told myself that i must lose weight, and at the same time tone up to become more manly. but i guess i failed. terribly...

one thing, it's not that i am not comfortable being in my own skin. ok, there are certain parts that i really don't like, but then, i've learned to accept the little that i am. but why is everyone around me judging me then.. i remembered telling myself, if anyone ask me what gender i am, i shall promptly reply that i am what they think i am. if they think that i'm a male, then i'm a male. if they think that i am a female, then it shall be that. but i've never really used this thought on anyone, or perhaps i'd get so annoyed, or embarassed that i don't know what to say. and then, i can't really use that on children too, right? they'll be so confused that they'll run to their mommies..somehow, i'm like the bogeyman to them.

perhaps, the one consolation that i'll get is realising that i shall remain alone forever. that way, my companion doesn't have to wake up one day and realise that i am not what i am supposed to be. and this is also probably the best way to keep both girls and guys away from approaching me (girls will think that i'm a sista, and not able to provide security and such.. while guys will just think that i'm a freak of nature that deserves to be whacked and dunked into the toilet bowl)..hmm. how wonderful..

guess i've poured out more than i should. once again, i've disappointed myself, but i guess i just have to let some steam off. am still anticipating the arrival of 13th of april....

ciao
je t'aime (do i really?? i wonder)
ben

the gardens..

here i am again, seated in yet another starbucks outlet, enjoying a cup of frappucino while surfing. but this time, i'm about 400km from home, in one of the posh malls in the land of the crowded (KL for the uninitiated). yes, i've landed safely (the flight was fun).

well, yesterday was a blast..in the city of entertainment. since mum wasn't working, we decided to head up to genting for a day trip. the weather was actually ok, but then again , we spent most of the time indoors. more specifically, in the casino. call it beginners luck, but genting is subsidising 90 bucks of my trip this time.. yup, kinda struck the mini jackpot with the first machine that i played.. haha. but then again, burswood was my first time, and i didn't win anything then.. well.

as for today, just finished rounding up two malls in less than 2 hours. finished midvalley and the gardens. honestly, i don't really know what to shop for.. i wasn't really in the mood for shopping, and the only thing that i think i am getting is a pair of track bottom from nike (not that i can't get that from penang).

was disappointed with a few things though.. firstly, the front desk ppl of my-yoga doesn't know what's going on in their club. i went over to inquire for a one day yoga, and they are not sure. gosh, they are not sure of everything, even whether bodybalance was from lesmills of not.. haih

next, midvalley is not that big. maybe because i'm used to queensbay, therefore, i don't really see what's the hype with midvalley. besides, we have most of what they have.. and it's not the sale season. went into pets world, and was so disappointed. there's not many pets there, and the dog pen stinks. they should really take a good look from cty in penang. the only thing that facinated me was the chameleon there.. haih.

marks and spencer.. another disappointment. probably because i've been to the ones in UK, but seriously, it's really really small in here. and robinsons..haih. there's nothing there for me. am i really picky? or i guess there's just nothing right for me here. what's worse.. i'm tasked to look out for souveniers for my two besties.. and i couldn't find anything interesting here to buy. gosh. i have another 3 more days of aimless wondering. let's hope that it'll be better.

tomorrow, probably i'll head away from the malls and go into town. after all, it's only a few stops away. but just don't get me started about the komuter and monorail service here. it's as if that the Kl-ites have lost all their manners.. and it's just ridiculous. i find it rather perplexing that i have no problem travelling around london and perth all by myself, but here, i guess it's a different story all together.

guess i'll sign off from here now. and in case u are wondering.. no, there are no eye-candy in this area too. haha. will try to upload pictures when i return (i've forgotten to pack in my usb cable).

ciao
je t'aime
ben