Something Good....

This post caught me by surprised. in fact, the whole flow of emotion tonight caught me by surprise. i should be sleeping now, but instead, i am overwhelmed to a certain extend. let's see.. me, in my usual nightly FB nosy-ing, saw this video posted up by a friend. i clicked on it, and this dude was singing 'Something Good' from the Sound of Music. to be honest, it wasn't good. It was fantastic. his voice, his control, and his emotions.. and then, i was caught.

you see, Something Good is one of those pieces that's forever etched in a little brain cell of my mind. the scene, whereby Maria and Capt Von Trapp stand in the gardens. looking at each other (with that loving glow), and how they burst into the song. I have sang that song so many times. in the shower, in the car, at home. but mostly, i sing it when i am feeling sad. i sing it to remind me that probably somewhere in my wicked childhood, i must have done something good. i sing that, being hopeful, that something good would happen to me (of course, nothing good ever happens to me). one can't blame me for being hopeful, right.

that's when suddenly, i have this flood of emotions. i feel like bursting out to tears. thinking over each and every single line of the song.. i am reminded that my life is not that sweet after all. i have yet to get beyond my past, and move on to embrace the present and anticipate the future. i have yet to find the person that will love me, whether it should or could.. good things, i have done not little.. and yet, where is my something good.

Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. This was what i used to tell myself too.. NOTHING EVER COULD. then if nothing can happen, then why am i all bitter and sorrowful? and then, i come to think again.. when the singer sings 'for there you are, standing there, loving me', i can imagine.. what he sees and feel at the moment. to you and your loved one (which i know.. yes, i know). i wish you luck and all the best. and to you. you are damn lucky to have such an amazing person to dedicate such a beautiful song to you. again, i wish i could trade places with you.. but then, NOTHING EVER COULD.. haha. hence, i wish that you would treasure your keep, and wish you joy and happiness all the way.

ciao

i am not happy

i think it is kinda rare to find me putting my emotions on my heading. but i guess now, why hide? yea. i am not happy. and i am not ashamed to admit it. i have never been truly happy, and things are certainly not looking any brighter now.

turning 26.. guess what, it was one of the lousiest birthday of my life. every year, it gets worst. perhaps i am expecting a little more. perhaps there shouldn't be a compromise. but things turned totally against me, despite the attempts of friends to make it work for me. i guess my desire for surprise did come true. just that it wasn't a very pleasant surprise. however, there is no one that i could blame, for it is only me wanting everything to be better.

i am not happy on my chances (or lack of) in getting one of the most coveted scholarships in malaysia. it was a risk that i dared for, but it has fallen out of my favour. probably i am expecting a little too much. again, it is just me, and my perceptions. however, i didn't give up, as i did go for another attempt somewhere else. heck, if m'sia doesn't want me, perhaps somewhere else would want me..

i am not happy with work. in fact, i haven't done much over the couple of days, as i prefer to idle my time on other matters such as the queen's coronation (which by the way, is the most spectacular thing that i have ever witnessed). i understand the lack of motivation as a sub-expression of my emotional control, but the working environment is not exactly conducive for me, nor motivating for me to strive further.

emotions. they tend to overwhelm me. again, i was brought to realise that i expect a little more, and the present situation is not as desired. hence, i am not happy. if only things could change. if only i don't have to waste that much time, energy and financial resources. probably i should just take a step back and revert to my original self, and atone for my sins.

i am not happy. i have sinned, and i don't know how to atone for it. i shouldn't have loved at the first place, and i shouldn't have harboured love. love, passion and desires are sins that are consuming me. bringing me closer to the flames of hell. if only i know of redemption.

ciao

Reporting live.. Kawasaki, Japan

it's been four nights here in Kawasaki, and i have to say, i am loving it. the feeling of being so far away from home, being so far away from everyting else. if only i don't have to wake up from this dream, and face the reality of life. if only all these could last a little longer, and perhaps i will be better.

snow. beautiful.white. that was exactly what i experienced the first night i was here. although this is not my first time walking in the snow, it never failed to impress me how beautiful, pure, and yet cold it is. i guess my emotional manisfestation have even brought forward the love of being in the snow. anyway, i was informed that it rarely snows here, and i was lucky to have experienced the second snowfall this season (in fact, there was a third snow fall last night, but it wasn't just as heavy as the first night. am now praying for more tonight).

shopping.eating.learning.culture. all these aspects have been mentioned so many times in my blog, and this is the first time where i really get to live the life. it is just so amazing to be in a place when there is so much happenings going on. what's more, being the adventurous person that i am, it is no surprise that i have discovered more charm in the city of kawasaki than the industrial estates.

politics.friends.state.self : being on a same trip with one of the most seasoned politician of Penang has its pro and cons. in fact, i've come to learn of more things regarding politics, and also the thinking of the man behind one of the more important portfolios in Penang State Government. besides that, i've also managed to see a more down-to-earth human part for it, and probably did regain some of my trust to exercise my voting rights during the next election.

diva.impressions.celebrity: i guess the water did affect some of my thinking here (or maybe it is just too cold), but i did one of the most amazing things that i wouldn't have done it in penang..taking self portraits. i know, the first thing i expect would be labelled vain. but don't judge me yet. look at the pictures on FB, and then tell me what you think. as to impressions, i didn't know that my presentation have left such a huge impression amongst the participants in the forum. in fact, i have been approached several times today, with people asking me to take pictures with them. besides that, being congratulated over and over again, and also being the subject of admiration (as i was told by a friend of shenyang) did inflate my ego a little. i promise i won't let it get to my head, but do cut me some slack so that i can enjoy my moment of glory. it is not surprising that my presentation is flawless, as i do enjoy being there in front..hehe.

on separate matters, i know my previous post sounded bleak, but what the heck.. haha. it reflects my thoughts, emotions and opinions. hahah. but then, i do know how to become a better person, and i will not let [Q] get into the way of being Ben.

sayonara.

ai shiteru.
Ben

Reporting error 305

looking back, i think there is a need for me to attend english classes again. I just couldn't believe it. glaring error on the very first sentence. probably, this is just how my brain functions.. full of error, and yet, will commit to it.

again, i noticed something new. probably it isn't new. just that i did not see it earlier. in a way, i am sick and tired of this game. but i guess there is no harm in learning, or is it so? for me to keep on learning? is this what it takes?

i believe, there is a point in time, where things will change. the tipping point. but how soon is it? how close is it? we are slowly coming towards the end of the year. this is the time, where either joy or sorrow will take charge, and players will be dealt with the emotional card. am i strong enough to withstand it? will history repeat itself?

i know i am stubborn. in fact, i can be quite the bull.. but why am i keeping onto it? why is it so important? i should have let them fade away, and made peace with it. but why does it linger? always reinforcing itself in ways so vile? i guess alcohol is my only remedy now..

i dreamt a dream. blissful as it may be, reality always beg to differ. i guess the dream shall come to pass, and let it remain as that, forever.

my gastric pangs are back. am trying to control it. will do my best. but there is another part of me which is eager to take control and do more harm.. to whom should i listen to? me or myself?

ciao

leaving on a jetplane

a classic peter,paul and mary song here probably best describe what's up for me in the next few hours. as you may probably read, or heard, i'm headed down to KL this time. it's not that far, and it's not that long. but somehow, there's this weird feeling that keeps on playing in my head. there is a weird sense of longing, and i just don't know... but anyhow, i've said my goodbyes.. crazy me...

let's just hope that i'll rediscover myself in KL in this coming few days. probably this unexpected vacation is what i really need. besides, it's also probably time to get to know the big city...for future.. haha. i don't know. anyway, i'll just let it pass and 5 days will just come and go. i'll be bringing my lappie, but let's just hope that i will be able to stay connected.

another day, another way.. until then, goodbye.

ciao
je t'aime
ben

crystal

well, i'm back. after the one week hiatus, i'm back again. i guess the break was good, as i got to re-evaulate a hell lots of things, and kinda sort certain things out. besides, i've got to finish two books, am and now starting the third book. i sure need to hunt for more books to read for leisure.

even so, it's been an emotional turmoil for me, as i had another 'roller-coaster' mood throughout the week. at a certain point, i was really really happy, another time, i was really sad. then i was pissed also.. especially towards the end of the week. many things precipitated, and it got to me. but i think i am fine now.. neutral

for starters, i think i'm going to work while studying for my masters. yes, i may take up a part-time masters degree. and at the same time, i need a job. i just can't sit around idle, and money doesn't grow on trees. besides, i really need some cash to fulfill certain ideals of mine. i think i may even considering working a couple of jobs..if time and energy permits.

next, my take on relationships. friendship or intimate ones, i think i should start keeping my distance, and heck, may even rebuild the wall that i once had. no one is to be trusted. no one deserves to be loved anymore. not even the ones closest to myself. heck, even family can't be trusted, or loved that much anymore. i am now really anticipating the moment when i am emancipated, and may be on my own. all alone.

i've also come to the conclusion that i should start to silence myself. probably, it's the best way to reduce contact with the world. that way, no one will get hurt. and i'll remain safe as my thoughts will no longer be accessible..haha.

fame and fortune has eluded me. time to me to get grounded and stare reality in the face. some say reality is what u make of it, but there are times when circumstances makes the man. i am not marked to the world to know me..i am not marked to be honoured and worshipped by the world. so, it's best for me to retire into my little alcove and do what is best for me..staying far from the radar. as far as possible.

went clubbing last night, as a final test to confirm my thoughts. and yes, i finally realised that i have no doings in the club, and yesterday shall mark the end of my clubbing days. although i may seem to have fun, still, things are just not meant to be. some things just will not leave the comfort zone, and there is just no point for me to push furter. therefore, i think i shall just return to the guy that i once used to be..

guess that's all for tonight.. i shall return to my book.. fantasy may lead us to paths that we never imagine we could travel.. and yet, we remain safe and sound in our humble abode. as usual, i am travelling back in time again..allowing the moment to enrich my knowledge and experience.. and showing me lovely things from an ancient world.

until then, goodbye

ciao
je t'aime
ben

p.s. celine rescheduled her concert due to respiratory problems. i pray that she'll be fine and put on a good show.. and also hopefully my air ticket could be transferred according to the new dates.

Monday Blues...

i'm back. don't worry, i didn't sideline this blog. it's just that things have to take a back seat as i face to challenges in reality. well, exams are drawing to an end. another paper this wednesday, and voila, i'm done. however, unlike previous years, i don't get to laze around and enjoy my holidays. i have to continue with my fyp. all the things that needed to be done..gosh, if only i have someone to share my day with....

speaking of sharing with someone special..i'm aware that most people around me managed to find their special someone. well, i haven't. months back, i was looking, 'marketing' myself and improving on my skills. however, i guess it's all no use as apparently what i've done is not enough. maybe i need to change my methods, do some soul searching or just retreat to a life of loneliness.....

well, i guess my hormones are a little 'off', so forgive me if u find this entry boring...

je t'aime

sorry for the stale blog. i know that it's been days since i last updated, but i seriously can't find a good oppurtunity to blog. besides, the thoughts in my head are so random that i can't really focus on something to blog about it. take now for instance, my brain is filled with the spice girls, some manga, gym and weight issues, as well as my uni problems.

one painful lesson i learnt this morning. never, NEVER, not check for your belongings the night before the exams. i conveniently idled my holidays away and didn't study much. hence, i had to cramp 14 chapters in 2 days for the paper this morning. somehow, it kinda skipped my mind to check for my pencil case and exam slip the night before. hence, me went to bed...come this morning, i was launched into panic state level 7/10. i couldn't find my pencil case, nor my exam slip. i searched high and low, time was running out, and the weather was gloom..then, only did i remember that i left it in the lab since last friday. could you believe it? friday to wednesday..gosh. therefore, i had to speed in the drizzle, up to uni, collect my pencil case, only to realise that my exam slip is in the bag that i'm carrying. thank goodness i made it to the exam hall on time and managed to finish my paper. one lesson learned: panicking before exams (especially for trivial matters) may lead to unrest...

i was reading KH's blog just now, and was touched by a few post on having faith and the power of prayers. i kinda lost faith in many things for quite a while. and i don't believe in prayers. however, there is this weird feeling in me to do some good lately, and restore my faith that there's hope in humanity. ever get the feeling of stopping and do something good? i nearly did that last friday night. however, i think there were other things holding my back like my ego or something. however, the feeling was just weird and overwhelming.

oh readers, go check out the new spice girls video. it's titled headlines (friendship never ends). it's beautiful. and do check out geri's abs. they are fabulous. it's amazing that a mother can have those abs while i'm stuck with a beer belly. i need to work harder. and the recent stress is not helping me reach my target. take today, i was so stressed out that i ate more and decided to skip gym and took a long afternoon nap instead. now, i'm feeling guilty and will compensate for gym time tomorrow.

oh, and to all indian bloggers/readers, happy celebrating diwali/deepavali, the festival of lights. may the light of goodness forever truimph over evil (evil ppl like me should be wary..haha).

ciao
je t'aime

random postings

haha, cain and abel. why didn't i think about that. hmm.....

gosh, are mood swings politically correct? is it truly a psychotic disorder? or is it hormonal imbalance. someone please tell me. i was suffering from a horrible bout of mood swing this whole day. i was chirpy in the morning, depressed in the afternoon, sad in the evening, and finally lusty and depressed at night. can it really happen? i've studied about mood disorders, but i am certainly not manic, nor bipolar....

actually, i preferred to think that maybe i am an empath, i.e. someone who can feel other people's feelings. i know that only exists in storied and folklore, but surely, the empath would suffer a lot. i seriously can't go through all the emotions in the world. they are too taxing. i can't even sort my heart out right, what's more, the world.

speaking of empaths...i actually miss 'charmed'. yes, i grew up with the series. there are 3 hot chicks, kicking demon ass and saving the world..a little childish, i know. well, it was perfect initially. good storyline and very faithful to the wiccan art. however, things went downhill after season 5...gosh, i miss it. especially rose mcgowan. she's hot...really love porcelain red heads. they are so beautiful..rose mcgowan, marcia cross, nicole kidman....ha

went for chuck and larry last night. it wasn't that good, just passable. i must say, that movie got me thinking of some personal issues..well, i'll share that next time

ciao