back to reality

after spending 3 weeks in a dream, leading a beautiful life, it's back to reality for me. in fact, it's more than that. the moment i got back, i launched myself into a work and workout overdrive. forget jet-lag and insomnia. i had to face them all, and yet clock in to work at 8 on monday (with about 4 hours of sleep the night before).

and work hasn't been kind to me. being the project manager with an event due next week, there's just so many things to arrange and manage. visas, invitations, presentations etc.. couple that with other meetings, other responsibilities, and heavy office politics which i really don't enjoy being caught in. but somehow, i can feel my neck on the chopping block, and it is not gonna be easy for me to thread on these still waters with hungry crocodiles in it.

being a glutton during my holiday had its consequences. hence i wasted no time and hit the gym on monday evening, right after work. roughed out 3 classes (not bad after 3 weeks of slothing around). then, on tuesday, decided to reduce my food intake, roughed out another 2 classes, but really suffered for this. my thighs kinda stiffened towards the end of bodystep, and the cramp was so bad that i couldn't even lift my leg to go over the board. however, i didn't really bother, and tried to complete everything (even with sore legs).. torture, but i guess i deserve it..

anyway, diet restrictions are also necessary to attain my ideal, and hence, have been going on a semi liquid diet for the past few days. i guess there's great achievement when dinner comprises of a glass of fruit juice, and probably two pieces of dodol.. haha. will continue with this, unless i collapse from sugar deficit..

just a thought, will a deficit diet induce drowsiness and weariness?? i kinda slept while i was driving home last night (and was so sleepy while driving home for a few nights ago), and didn't even realise that there was a motorcycle in front of me, until like 5 seconds later. it was lucky that i didn't crash onto the motorcycle.. come to think of it, i kinda slept for about 100 metres..

managed to catch up some of the latest news, and i think i can sense a storm brewing in paradise. however, it's best for me not to say anything, least being labelled as annoying and inconsiderate again. in fact, i think i've said too much during the two catch up sessions that i sat for, and i kinda regret it. i need the strength to presevere and to remind myself constantly that i shouldn't and mustn't say anything, no matter what the past, present or future may be. in fact, i should master the art of being a mute, and just nod or shake my head.. probably will try this soon. haha.

shopaholics unite

'walking around with load of bags'.. i believe, that would be the greatest satisfaction for any shopaholic. and it was exactly what i felt when i went shopping for my new year clothes. with all the bags, and watching money being converted into apparel, the euphoric feeling is just to great to contain inside. anyway, bought myself quite a number of things.. new levi's, new t-shirts, new workout pants and all.. haha. it was the best feeling in the world.

and i guess it all didn't end there, cos i just ended up paying another huge sum for a pair of shoes.. those boots were irresistable.. and heck! those boots were made for walking.. hahahahahah.

as mentioned in my previous blog, am now on holiday for CNY. but again, the addiction got the better part of me, and am now seated in coffee bean, with my msn and facebook turned on.. haha. anyway, the holidays will do me bad, cos i kinda put on weight (am at 65 now.. bad number).. must try to reduce to less than 60. haha

anyway, gtg now. am gonna catch yet another movie!! oh, btw, inkheart is really nice! it was really what i have in mind, when story books come to life. in fact, it's like a metaphore to what i always experience, when i pick up a good book..
up next: bride wars..haha

ok, really have to go.
ciao

elephant brains?? probably not

Isn't it funny how Alan mentioned about a tiff about me and him that i can't seem to remember... probably age has caught up with me, drying up my brain cells to the point that i can't even remember such happenings (and mind you, apparently, it was only a few months back). either that, or i've been throwing one too many tantrums that i can't even remember who i am mad with anymore..

speaking of getting mad, i guess there's no better way to end the year than being a cranky, moody sour grape. it was misery, bent on ruining me.. the day was bad to start with (interrupted sleep), then, horrendous nap that zapped my energy.. then, other incidents concerning my dressing.. and finally, spending hours waiting and waiting for things to happen. waiting for people to turn up, waiting for seats, waiting for food...argh.. but i guess i just have to bear with it.. after all, i had quite a good year, so cut me some slack and just let me be moody for once.. haha.

caught two movies back to back again yesterday.. i guess that's not a bad way to fill the day.. watched lady cop and papa crook (starring alan's fav diva, sammi cheng), then went for adam sandler's bedtime stories.. i guess i kinda expected more from bedtime stories, but it just fell flat and way way way lower than my expectations.. probably i should have saved my money for inkheart instead (after all, brandon fraser is better than adam sandler). at least, i'll get to see him transported into the realm of fantasy and magic (something that doesn't happen in reality)[sigh]..

once again, no new year resolutions. after all, why make them when you intend to break them as soon as the clock strikes midnight?? but somehow, as i was standing underneath the fireworks, welcoming the minute, i said a silent prayer.. and without the doubt, it's for everyone around me to be happy at all times. as alan had put it, i have a really cool gang of friends that will always be with me. so, wishing them bliss and happiness is the least i could do for them..

random thought: i'm actually very vain.. haha. in fact, as my granny put it to her friends this morning, i do appreciate being praised from her friends.. haha.
anyway, people have been telling me that i've lost weight again (not just one, but a few), but i do doubt that, and i think i should lose another few kilograms (for assurance). besides, i also need to tone up my body (for reasons that i don't know), improve my flexibility, and probably built some strength?? (again, for no apparent reasons.. so i guess that's not a priority).

ok, enough for now (am heading off to the gym earlier so that i can practise my balance)..

ciao
have a happy new year

ben

remnants

sorry for the morbidity of the previous 2 posts. it was dark, yes. it was depressed, yes. it was annoying, yes...but i guess i'll have to change the tone of the blog again.
anyway, i've started to pick the remnants of my life back, and start again. i will not have a tabula rasa, but i guess i'll try to make good use of what i have left. not sure if hope is still around, but i guess that all depends on my pov.
i guess i'm thankful for the friends around me. they did what they could to cheer me up, and i guess i shouldn't disappoint them. after all, i cannot let them down.. it's unfair to them, considering that they were so supportive.
firstly, i think i'm pulling my act together and will start shadowing later this evening. i'm not sure how it'll go, but i hope that i'll learn from this. i guess i have to really be calm, and as wished..shine on stage.
ok, i start to get comments that i am slightly lanky. few people have actually come up to me to tell me that i am going thinner, and after viewing the video from the training, i don't think i can disagree with them.
well, that's all for this time. i hope it's not as morbid as the previous 2 posts. after all, those were the immediate thoughts i have..uncensored..haha
ciao
je t'aime
ben

weight issues

i guess the fact that knowing that i've lost weight will eventually make me put on more. when i found out that i was nearly approaching my target, i was really really happy. somehow, when i weighed myself today, i found out that i've put on 2 kilos.
probably it's all the merry making, the eating fiestas.. and the out of hand feasting on mcd's sundae (choco top). seriously, when i get back to penang, i must really double my workout. but then again, is it worth it???

size does matter

love the title? anyway, this blog is not about the size of some precious organs or something. it's just that i've dropped in size again. now, i can fit in easily into a size 28 pair of pants. hahaa. how bout that!! well, my mum bought 2 pair of pants for my cousins down under. previously, i was so huge that they used to tease me...now..i'm the same size..so, laugh ur heart out ppl!!!

well, i went for the fat analysis test just now too..haha. and apparently, i've dropped another kilo from 2 weeks ago. i weighed myself on new years's eve, and i was standing at 63. now, i'm 62. well, now i target to reach 60 kilos...wish me luck. as for my fat percentage...not too bad also 15% only. hahahahah. and that translates to 9.9kg of my total body weight...am so happy

well, enough of my weighty issues...let's move to something else. well, i'd realise that i'm hurting myself with all the illusions on the untouchable. i was deluded. it could never be mine. for the past two weeks, i've been challenging the powers that be for signs. initially, the signs pointed to me to give up, and as i was looking for an ultimatum, the signs changed again, giving me new hope. but i guess it's all bull. i finally initiated the ultimate sign today, and i've got my answer. things will never be. i shall wake up from this dream and pick up what's left of me. it's really comfortable to have the untouchable so close, but i guess it's time for me to stop and rescue myself from hurting myself anymore....so..au revoir, mon untouchable. i wish u well..and we'll still be friends. but i guess i won't let my emotions ruin everything.

other thoughts for the past few days:
1) good things just don't happen to me at all..
2) chinese new year is round the corner
3) balance training- postponed...so, i guess my break into 'stardom' have got to wait a little longer..haha
4) i've found friends in which i can open up and not worry about anything. i've let go quite a lot from being judgemental and all....

ok, ciao
je t'aime