Never did cross my mind that I will be writing back here again so soon. It was after reading several blogs (prompted by a close friend)that I suddenly felt the urge to put down some thoughts onto this digital space. I came across something poignant, the developments of friendship and relationship. This was after reading the blog of a close bud, and his lovely partner. Sure, there's been a lot of ups and downs, but that didn't stop them. There is love going on, and I personally witnessed the love. It did get me thinking lots, and somehow, one thought came into mind. I am tired. Tired to be the shining beacon for everyone. Tired of being there for friends, people, colleagues, affiliates, workers, and everyone else. Also, I am tired of becoming the shoulder for everyone else. I realised that I was the shoulder for many other people, both guys and gals. But at the end of the day, I am alone, lost without a shoulder of my own. No one to give me comforting words, no one to wrap its arms around me assuring that everything will be ok. I am normally self reliant and independent enough to pull myself through the day, but I guess it doesn't hurt once a while to show that I am also weak. Having explored the same blog, I can't help but to feel a little guilty, and am wondering if I did the right thing. Although not directly linked to a situation, I am, however, partly responsible for the falling out of a particular friendship. I don't know if I made the right choice by giving advice, or saying the right thing.. but I certainly didn't mean to destroy certain friendships. Can't help but to feel it's me... On another note, finally got rid of some old 'baggage'. These people are no longer important, and holds no effect to my life anymore. Besides, I don't think they will ever have the same thoughts about me when they decided to end what we had.. Life goes on. Probably it's apt to say thank you, one last time, as one of the person that I removed used to read this blog. But then, I must also say that it is good riddance. Your present fame may take you far, but remember, those who burn the brightest also burn the fastest. One day, when all is dead and gone, and when the dust had settle, you will come to realise the worth of genuine friendship without expectations. But then, telling you this is also like pouring water onto a duck's back. It will never stay. Over a conversation with my bestie, I guess I finally said it. I will only love again when a person sings the dolphin song, when the moon turns red, and when the river Jordan parts for the second time. Hahaha. When commented that I am fussy, I guess I am just impossible. When I don't workout, I feel fat, lazy and useless. When I workout, I feel fat, useless and tired. <- that's my QOTD. I guess I can never overcome that self-loathing, self-hating part of me. I will never come to terms with my body, and I guess it is working to my advantage as other people also cannot come to terms with my body. haha. Random musing: when is a good time to leave all worldly desires behind, and lead a spiritual life. I was thinking of this last night, and wondered if I should just give up everything and move to a monastery now, or shall I wait until I finish my PhD, and then end it all then... Still thinking. I once mused on the story that I would like to tell... probably now that I've come so far, I'd rather that there are no stories being told, and me existence just be erased, without a trace. Until the next time (and I can't tell when) Ciao [Q]

520

this post was supposed to be written last night, but i was so tired after the journey back from KL that i couldn't bring myself to compose my thoughts here. the 4 hour ride from KL back to Penang is no good. i spent most of the time staring off the window, looking into space. i conjured enough images in my head to put me back in my place. i brought out the demons and the monsters, to reaffirm that i am just but another monster. i realised that no matter how much i try to reinvent myself, i try to break free, i try to take chances, i am still very much stuck with the monster that i am now. my only solace would be music, but i do wonder.. what is my limit? when will i finally crack and shatter? the fool. in the tarot, the fool is the first card of the major arcana. he can be seen walking near a cliff, never stopping to ponder. he believes in his faith, and will go wherever his path takes him. however, one false look, and the fool will fall. similarly, i was dealt this card over the weekend. i was the fool. furthermore, i took the leap, and i fell. into the abyss of darkness, i did fall. i do wonder why am i so foolish.. but that is what you get when the heart overtakes the mind. again, i lost my rational thought, and done something that i am not proud of.. my saving grace.. i can still walk out from the flames of hell, unscathed. probably this time, i may have burnt a little off my skin, but i am still unharmed. i am still pure. the tears of my misery is still able to put off the fires of hell, and of desire and passion. probably i will forever keep this memory, never wanting it to fade.. but i know.. i survived hell. some random thoughts. man are selfish. it is born within them so that they can survive in this world. random thought 2: what on earth are those people wearing? come on! it is a freaking workout! not a fashion runway. such pretentious people. probably this is the reason why i am very much comfortable with my hometown rather than being in such a pretentious city. random thought 3: i should have reaffirmed my faith and discipline of not finding my own happiness, unless all the others around me are happy. lost. broken ben last random thought: i wonder what would be the stories told, when i pass on? many people know me.. but not everyone knows every single part of me. in fact, no one knows every single part of me.. what will i be? how will i be remembered?

of candy canes and rochers

after 26 years, you would at least think that you'll deserve a gift that is befitting. a gift that reminds you that you are appreciated, and you are important. but what i got is a gift of convenience and another, a gift of obligation. the irony in everything is that both of them aren't gonna last until next christmas, and will never survive to remind me of i would have. (probably i can't say bout the candy cane, cos i think i won't even bother eating it at the first place).

is this enough to justify my dislike for the season? for the merriment? for the 'much ado about nothing' syndrome? yes. i think so. it also forced me to break my self-imposed restriction against clubbing and alcohol, and also throws me a tonne of thoughts which shouldn't appear.

forsaken any, i have not. forsaken by others, oh yes, without a doubt. will i survive it? i only pray for better strength and energy to prevent me from breaking. but neither would i deny that i am on the verge of collapsing. i don't know where to source for energy anymore. where to find the strength to carry on, to show the world that i am ok.

masquerade theme. how befitting. i wore the best mask. a mask that shows no true emotions, but what i want others to believe. a mask so perfect that even i may be fooled sometimes. so now, where is my best costume prize? like i wilted flower, i will slowly fade. into oblivion, i will never shine again. my blossom has passed, my end is near. as the winter draws near, into the shadow lands, i will not fear.

for the heart beats not for the moment, but a survival of the mind. for the end draws by, not for a moment, but for the passing of time. for then, only will i rise, forsaken, forgiven, forgotten. only to bring truth to those who will hear, and open the hearts for those who will listen.

ciao
in case i won't blog again, happy blessed 2012.

surviving christmas 2011

this post was supposed to be written last night.. but again, i was inspired, but couldn't pull myself off the bed to write it.

it's 6 days until christmas, and 5 days until that dreaded dinner. for once, i have never been so depressed during the season as compared to this year. last year was a wreck for me, and this year, things just got worst. i am dreading every single moment from the start of december, and i wonder how can i even survive until the 31st, and move on to the next year. everyday, a little part seems to die inside of me, making me wonder how many more posts would i survive to write and share.

anyway, it is now the morning of the 19th. significant? probably no more. probably yes, but i am trying my very best not to put anything to the heart. after all, i have other things to focus on. it's been more than a year, and looking back, it was just plain stupid. it has also been 8 months. wreck, yes. any better? no

life is full of mistakes. one of which is trust. i should have never placed trust on anyone. i should have remained true to my old self, to keep it in and never divulge. however, now, i feel betrayed. i feel lost, and i feel battered. and to make it worst, it's not even a war that i saw coming. are we even at war? disappointments, there are many, but does it have to end this way?

at times, i wish that i could be selfish. i should learn how to fend for myself, and not stand out and wait, and hope. i should learn to not hold the light out for anyone. for at the end, i am the very person that is left outside alone. cold.

this year's christmas is slightly different. as mentioned, i hated it when the first signs of christmas was displayed in stores and splashed over the papers, the tv, the radio and other media. i dread it. hence, no tree. it would have been better minus the dinner, and all the other fan fare, but then, a promise/agreement must be kept. however, there is this part of me that wishes that i would fall ill on christmas eve, so that i don't have to attend the dinner and the party.

somehow, i don't think i have the ability to maintain a social life and understanding anymore. crowds frighten me. people intimidate me. somehow, the thought of remaining home in seclusion is comforting. it may not be biggie, but i did nearly pass out from a panic attack while browsing through the mall. what happened, i can't tell. one thing i know, i am not made to live this life.

probably the greatest tip to survive this season is to acknowledge the season. yes. it is that damned christmas. and that damned coming new year. everyone is supposed to be happy. spreading goodwill and peace on earth. having accepted that, only can i develop my thoughts to embrace, deny, reject, embitter or to just mourn the season. i guess i am doing well here. wherein lies the christmas spirit, cheer and pure, undefiled? i have yet to learn. i have also yet to learn to forgive, to forget, and to free.

since i am on a roll, the year hasn't been entirely kind, but neither is it entirely unkind to me. there are certain achievements that i could be proud of. i took a change to rechart my path. but i guess that's all that i can remember. the rest would be memories that haunt me. inner sorrow and fear that torments my existence. and mostly, things that make me want to stop in my tracks, and not start all over.

tabula rasa. is it possible? can i cut everything to let go? how can i erase everything.

there's a notion in me that i may not have written before. i threw away my childhood. i sacrificed my teenage years. but now that i am an adult, i am not going to get back what i have missed, and neither am i getting what i should be getting now. c'est la vie? i have seen better. but what's good is never going to be mine. in fact, nothing is ever going to be mine.

probably i should really reset my targets, and reorient my focus for the coming year. i should allow myself to fall, but instead to focus everything that i have on what is important. my studies. love, i have done without since my existence. friends, i can learn to do without (i am already starting to stay away from most of it). family, it is not impossible. nothing should matter any more.

these silent tears, that never fall.. i humbly present as offering to misery. may the best be with you.

blessed christmas

tip 2 to survive christmas: start rejecting people even before christmas. if possible, a 6 months grace period would be good. that would get you all ready to face the season alone.

tip 3: find a new hobby. i am sure, 21 research papers would be enough to fill the season and distract most of my time.

tip 4: get a pet. they help. or plants

tip 5: conveniently store the christmas tree in somewhere hard to reach, so there are no attempts to retrieve it and set it up.

i hate giving. i have had enough of giving. i gave so much, but my returns are not justified. everything, i have given without complaints. even when it hurts me.. i gave. no more. no more will i do it this time.

happy xmas... the war is over

p.s. and yes, happy birthday. even when i don't wanna say it to you. you have having a good time, a good life.. a random speck of dust will never get noticed

if, and only if

a week has passed since my last proper blogpost here. don't be mistaken, the gaga post did mean something, but i guess, there's more than that.
first week of january has come and gone. entering the second week, with more things on my plate. i have to admit, being fully dedicated to work has its downs, but then, what better way to erase pain than to add more pain to it?

i did realise what was going on, and i saw. i have to say, every once in a while, i do feel like slapping the man in the mirror. and i keep on asking why.. but i guess, i just don't wanna know the answer anymore. everything has come to passed. things will be better from this point on.

found a very interesting read. desmond morris's peoplewatching. it's a book on sociobiology, observing the human animal from a biological point of view. very interesting read, elaborating on various concepts of human actions. in fact, i did have the thinking of sociobiology before i was introduced to the book, and i do hope that i can learn something from it. however, there isn't an opportunity here for me to pursue this subject.

if, and only if.

regards

'if you could walk amongst kings, and yet not loose the common touch'- Kipling,R

absence

the absence of activity comes from a new epiphany. i guess i should have seen this earlier, but it is never to late to realise the truth.

let this blog be a reminder rather than a story. let this post remind me, for the future. at anytime you read this, think again, and try to remember what brought you to this path. the road that you have taken, think back, and remember. promise yourself, that you can't look back. instead, be wiser, and learn to choose better.

the human heart is a very complex thing. physiologically, it's only a muscle. however, there's more to that socially. however, i don't really wanna comprehend the secrets that lie within. all i ask, is just for you to be strong, and listen to the sound judgement. for you can be strength, for you can be weakness... learn.

emotions are but a matter of perception. people see what you want them to see.. so, show them what they want. life is only but a masquerade. wear the masque well, and you will go far. take it off, and you'll be eliminated. so, when you read this again. remember.

that's all i have for the moment.

ciao

walk away...again

once again, i am thrown into a course of confusion. seems like trouble and confusion, have a certain way of finding me, when i least need it.

firstly, it seems like my fight-or-flight button have been pushed, and it is on flight mode again. it all started during the g-force movie session, and i was nearing the point of driving away but had to backtrack and stayed the whole night as i held the movie tickets. i guessed nic saved the day by passing me the tix.. but the temptation to just walk away and leave was so strong.

then now, it's hong kong. yes, i've been looking forward to this trip for the longest time already. am even looking at travel books etc to get some pointers before heading to my HK trip.. but i am having the travel jitters again. point in case, room arrangements. realising that certain things are not confirm, it seems like i just want to walk away, and just not go. probably i'll just pay up, and forfeit my trip.. i dunno.

seriously, what is happening to me?? and the confusion is really driving me crazy..

dry tears never flow

this is gonna be a side diversion from the phoenix saga (that i am writing once in a blue moon, when my muse is here). back to the mundane, moody, emo life of mine (haha.. me/emo...so weird)

to begin with, launch of les mills classes.. i think this will be the last time that i am going for bodystep. really hate those kiasu attitude of the ppl. if only we could stage a boycott, and oust those ppl..
as for balance, turn out wasn't as good as expected. well, who am i to expect anything anyway. just teach, smile and leave.
the saving grace, body jam. it's not that bad. guess my first impression was wrong. lesson learnt. never judge a jam class by sitting by the side during quarterly sessions.

am having trouble getting better sleep these days.. feels like i'm stuck in a rut, and i have no way of getting out. in fact, i think i am gasping for breathes, drowning in my own problems (of the mind).. i may need to see a shrink. in fact, i think catharsis will help to free my tear ducts and just let it pour all out. once and for all.

just found out something that i've been kept in the dark for a while. is the good or is this bad, i am not sure. probably, as they say, ignorance is bliss.

i guess i finally saw what i have been trying to hide from, and i guess i have to acknowledge it. it's not worth my attention, and it's pretty obvious. am a little disappointed with myself for trying to look beyond it.things are just not meant to be.try as i might, but i'll never make it through.

will have to perfect my practise for this year. i have failed the last year, and realising that i haven't diverted much, there is still some saving grace. after all, i have another 3 more months to go before the end of the year. come next year, must bring it to another level, where no mistakes are even permitted.

enough for the moment while i go wallow in my own sorrow..

ciao

troubled..

the very thing to understand is that i have an underlying phobia of human beings and comfort. i don't get along well with fellow human beings, and there are various issue of paranoia that surfaces whenever i am around people. i think it all surfaced during my childhood years, and gradually, i had developed this sense of isolation and distance with mankind. in fact, i find it a little hard to start conversations, maintain it, or jump into another conversation.

somehow, all this have manisfested into a kind of 'flight' feeling in me. the last i had to do that, was about 3 months ago, during my birthday, when i had the compulsion to run away from everything. then, it happened again, and i did run away to another country.. i came back, thinking that it would be over.. but sadly, the fact remains. i ran again. i was a little disappointed by myself, but i guess the paranoia and fear really rang deep in my heart, and i had no option but to run.

so, in case u are reading this, i'm sorry guys, but i had to excuse myself from last night's get together.. i'll try to go on, but just give me time.

ciao

Up

To some, it may be another brilliant Pixar animated movie. As for others, it seems like a complete waste of time (where's ur sense of humour?). but for me, i guess the message was just glaring, and just so in my face. I couldn't think of any better metaphor other than that used by Pixar. i guess a floating house, a stubborn dream, a lifetime passion, and the many sins of man will come to rest someday. man can only dream that much, but reality bites, and sometimes, the most unexpected little thing will manage to bring us back to our reality, and cherish those moments lost when we were busy building castles in the air. I guess it resonates that man can only dream that much, and ideally, a dream shall stay a dream. we may be near to achieving it, but as mere mortals, who are we to challenge the powers of Morpheus?? But there was another point on relationship, in which i guess is lost in the present world. the image of trust, loyalty and loving towards the end is marred by celebrity marriages and divorces, changing the very meaning of 'till death do us part'. i guess, in some complex part of my subconscious, this is also the very thing that prevents me from engaging in human emotions.

well, enough of analysing up. am gearing up for a full day ahead, for the next few days. i guess i would be so taxed upon that i fear that i may not be able to carry on my energy towards the end of the week. i guess somehow, there's another fear when i engage in such long, taxing weeks.. somehow, it will end with more trouble, and the devil will just show up uninvited. i guess the experience from the last time gave me a little phobia on this..

partly related, i don't really know how to proceed from this juncture. it seems like i am wearing a mask, and entertaining, but i still have my reservations. i am not sure if i am ready to repeat a previous mistake, and allow it to happen. however, i do not know how to isolate, either party.. i need some signs and some help.

am also finding the strength to weather the future, and the storm. again, somewhere around this time last year, i was lost, and shattered.. however, i hope it doesn't occur this time. i don't wanna go through another turmoil, and i need to channel my energy for the better good.

ciao

reflections july 09

i seriously do not know how many reflections post have i written, but i guess this is slightly different from the rest..
somehow, it doesn't really rain in Penang. it pours!! and when it starts, the end never seems to be in sight. in fact, it started to pour since friday night, lasted throughout saturday and sunday, and finally subsided this morning. it kinda reflected my mood for those days too.. although i wasn't 'pouring', but everything seemed so bleak since friday evening, went like hell on sat and sun, and finally got better this morning. i wonder, is it heaven's way of expressing sympathy?? i dunno..

ciao

Musings

Another round of musings at the beginning of the week.. more like reflections, but i love the word musings.. hehe.

so, i'm leaving at the end of this week. i'll be gone from my comfort zone for a month. being in a place whereby i know no one, and learning new things again. probably this is a bleesing in disguise.. it'll make me stronger, better, and more prepared to move on from the current situation. i wouldn't say that i'll miss the people around me, but sometimes, i think things will be better off without me..

a few things managed to tickle my funny bone over the past week.. firstly, i seem to have the knack to become 'pregnant'. little did i realise, i first assumed the position of a 'pregnant' bodybalance instructor during the training. and now, there's actually 'demand' for me to become preggers.. haha. but sorry folks, 'm a dude, so no chance (even if i was a chick, no chance)

next, a visit to the doctors to get my medical clearance turned out to be quite funny. apart from the long list of medical things that my doctor has to examine, he also has to clarify my mental health.. what i found funny was he actually asked me what was my response to 'depression, attempted suicide, or other psychological symptoms'.. seriously, do i tell the truth?? hahaha. of course not (btw, i'm cleared for the training.. hehe).

again, ppl seem to think that i wear my heart on my sleeve. people seem to think that they can read my emotions and reactions.. sometimes yes, sometimes, not really. there are times when i let loose, but there are times when i put on a mask.. so, how can you say that my emotions can be seen through easily?? hahahahaha. such joke.

for once, a certain change on saturday activity.. instead of clubbing, coffee sessions or movies, spent the nite in g-spot.. with the live jazz band and the singers, it was actually quite fun.. heck, even hit the dance floor for a while..
however, my two left feet got the better part of me.. hahahhahahaha.

i need an explaination to a certain heavy feeling on my chest. it feel as if i'm suffocating or drowning, with a heavy boulder placed across my chest.. and no, it doesn't happen when i'm asleep (sleep induced paralysis). it happens when i am fully awake.. wonder what scientific explaination is that.. hmm???

some comments i've heard over the past few days:
1. You are losing ur humanity (to me).. haha
2. You are such a diva
3. I'm such a bimbo (from myself to me)
4. You are such a whore (from myself to me)

ok, enough of my ramblings, musings, whatever nots.. hehehe

ciao

confused? deluded?

so, my first work week have ended. this is the first in the many many weeks to come. all is well, and i've managed to learn many things. and most importantly, i got to meet khoo salma nasution, one of the most vocal NGO representative in penang. she's very nice, and even asked me for some ideas..haha

watched kung fu panda yesterday. it was freaking hilarious, and i think it's a must watch for everybody. i just couldn't help but to laugh out loud in the theater. so cute...haha.

confused with my title? i'm confused with my life. my heart finally got the better of my head, and i did many things which is so not me. i just don't know what happened, what triggered everything, but i did what i wasn't supposed to do... and what's worse is that i spilled matters of my heart to a person.. argh. even as i'm typing this, i am confused....

the thing is, i know that the situation is impossible to happen. but why am i still getting and sending the wrong signals?? what are those signals supposed to mean? and i think i am deluded to think that those signals are meant for me...but they are, aren't they not?? argh!!

at the same time, my heart is crying slowly as i don't know what will happen. as much as i want to be, it's not possible.. and the worst part of my dilema is that i actually caught myself speaking to myself for about half an hour, addressing the heart...argh. i think i'm going crazy!!

ok, enough of this crazy post. i think i better get some rest before i go to work tomorrow. besides, i'm off to my first meeting with YB Chow, the state executive councillor in charged of the local government, traffic and environment.

did my first 'unofficial' balance class just now, from the start to the end. it's the most unconventional, unprepared class, but i think i pulled through, and i think i can finally start a class. i know i have to prepare for more, but my stage charisma is starting to be here. i have people now eager to see me teach, and i was actually flattered this morning to hear that someone actually enjoys looking at me on stage.. haha!!

ok, signing off now! until another day then..

ciao
je t'aime
ben

community service

i've been invited to a party. a singles party. apparently, it's a party to show how desperate single people are and hopefully they can find a mate. the best part, i've been told by the 'host' to perform some 'community service' and invite more single desperate people to the party. apparently, i'm to look for some single, desperate, cute or good looking boys to the party... hahaha. who am i in the position to do that?? besides, i don't really know any adonis around worthy to be invited to the party (even if i do, i would have kept him to myself..haha). but in case u are interested, feel free to let me know. it's on the 16th february, 7 pm onwards. it's a potluck (still wondering what to make), and i m also the unofficial photographer for the evening... so, guys, gals, let me know if u wanna come.

next, i apologise for the long overdue blog. i was supposed to blog on thursday, but eventually, i ended up dead like a log at home. maybe it's because my yoga practise and extra guidance triggered some sleepy nerves and sent me to dreamland for the next 11 hours.. haha. so much for having proper yoga training. i was corrected by a bystander (ok, she's a graduate from Sun Yoga) for my back bend and gave some pointers on my downward facing dog and mountain pose. looks like i have got loads to catch up and correct before my training in balance come march..

chinese new year is just around the corner, and things are going more and more hectic for me. there are experiments to complete. thesis to write, things to clear, house to clear.... and all this hasn't stop me from daydreaming, and from over thinking too.. amazing huh.

oh, i've watched sweeny todd. pity that i was so tired that day that i couldn't emmerse myself completely in the movie. we went for the late night movie, and i was struggling to stay awake half way through the movie. somehow, after catching 40 winks, i managed to pop my eyes during the ending. it was so dramatic, so gruesome, and so passionate...well, the death scene is the best i've seen, second only to satin's death in moulin rouge...i have to say, tim burton and johnny depp have clearly set a new par in dark musicals....excellent

here are some of my twisted thoughts. they may not be conventional, but i think it's rather cute as i get to share my quirks here...
1) i was riding home from the gym, and i saw these two guys walking on the pavement. then i told myself, what are these people thinking as they walk along the pavement? where are they heading? what's playing in their heads? is it about safety? of the journey? or maybe about their studies? how bout their future?

2) scene: in gym. i was talking to this lady (the host for the silly party), and she asked me, what do i plan to do with my life. honestly, i couldn't answer her at all. i have lost direction on what to do. previously, i was so sure that i wanted to be a vet (somehow, my results proved otherwise). hence, i'm stuck in some local u, doing some wretched degree (in zoology). so, now, where do i go from here? my pals have been sending resumes and going for interviews. but what have i done?? nothing.

3) a friend of mine was telling me that she was spotted by a talent scout. come on, she isn't exactly that beautiful, her boobs are barely there, her fashion sense is like that of a 40 year old aunty...and she got spotted. where is my talent scout when i want one? i believe i'm passible... but i am never spotted...hmm (daydreaming..)

4) next,another issue came up.. buying property. a few friends were talking about it in the gym the other day. and boy, did i proudly say that i don't wanna buy any property. it's not that i do not want a home, but i just couldn't see myself being here for long. honestly, i don't even know if i could survive another year, what's more, to plan for a future.. i just don't see that coming.

5) last night, a casual friend just told me that i don't look macho, and what's my sexual preference.. i must admit, i wasn't comfortable with that question, but it got me thinking, quite a lot. of course my most conventional answer would be to be asexual. but am i really one? honestly, i don't see myself getting attached, married with kids and the such (maybe because i've lost hope in them), but am i really asexual. somewhere in the middle of last year, i'd decided to open up and explore my options.. but things didn't really turn out great. when it comes to girls, somehow or other, they just don't meet my standards. then again, i'll think to myself, which girl will actually be seen dating a 'non-macho' man?? shopping buddy, yes. bitching buddy, yes. but boyfriend?? hmm. then guys... it's just so hard to tell if the guy is straight or queer. and when u can tell them apart, they are just taken. and also, don't i always read, gays prefer other gays to be macho and straight acting.. apparently, ppl like me will only end up as drag-queens forever doomed to the stage of babylon boom boom....:(. hence, i give up....

6) i've tried my best not to judge people... but sometimes, that feeling is just so overwhelming. i just can't help to notice if the vibe is just so wrong and strong.. hmm. well, i've done my part. i guess nature will take it's cause

7)is this true compassion, or just silly thoughts in my head?? it happened when i was waxing my car yesterday. there's this bunch of boys hanging out in front of my house, in school uniform. all of a sudden, i had the thought to reform them, maybe even motivating them to study harder and become a better person, and even to the point of providing free tuition to them just to get them to study and not do silly things (of course, these are just thoughts in my head). then, when i was driving to the gym when i saw this dog injured at the neck. apparently, it's been in a fight and got bit on the back of the neck. the feeling was so strong for me to pull over, carry the dog in and send it to the nearest vet (but i didn't do it). are these true compassion? or are this just silly games people play with their minds?

8) and last thought...i think i shall option out from friday night supper. although the supper is something like carrot juice or tau fu fah, i think i'll try to abstain from it. it's not the food or calories that i fear...but somehow the company isn't exactly that pleasant, and i think i shall stay away from it now on..

ok, enough of my silly thoughts. feel free to laugh it all out, but just don't keep in in your hearts.. bye

kong hei fatt choy!!

je t'aime
ben

Out of steam

well, i'm exhausted. so tired of what's going on around me. i just can't seem to pen my thoughts on anything now. there's so many things to do, and yet i've completed none. goals to reach, yet none have materialise...and now, i am lost in this game called life.

the past week was indeed fun. thaipusam festival (celebrated with friends atop the hill), then a shopping spree..but is that what i really want? is that what they really want?? sometimes i wonder. i tend to take the lead most of the time...i don't wanna be a leader, but somehow, i'll just assume the role naturally. however, this got me thinking.. are my pals fine with it? if not, why don't they say anything. they keep on asking me to plan.. but are my plans fruitful and befits everyone? or it's just plain rubbish and ppl are following just to please me.... i wonder

then, i wonder again. do people actually want me in their group? do they really accept me as part of their social network? or are they just putting up with me, hoping that i will shy away soon? am i imposing myself on others, making them love my company? or do my actions actually make them loath me?? i wonder

silly thoughts fill my head while i'm awake. silly dreams take me to places that i haven't been in my sleep. is this because i'm a silly person? of has my mind being idle for so long that it is slowly turning senile?? well, i was just telling my grams this afternoon, if ever i will be mentally demented when i'm old. considering that i've already lost half of my mind now, will i ever trod down the street naked? in a bra? or will i spend the remaining years of my life on the side walk??

then there are times where we dream beyond our means. we imagine ourselves being in someone else's position, doing some other things... take me for instance.. i'd dream of being a fashion designer, a marine biologist, a model(?), an event planner(?), a psychic....but where am i now? stuck in reality, being just the average joe. will i lead a woeful life, remaining average, and pass away anonymously?? or will i ever get the chance to lead a high life?? i wonder again.....

ok, i guess lethargy is taking over my soul. anymore blabbering, and tim burton will make a movie out of my pathetic life. hence, i bid thy adieu, and till we meet again..
ciao

je t'aime.

oh, i've just found out about this song from celine dion, titled 'water from the moon'. it's rather old, but i find the lyrics quite interesting. in fact, it mirrors certain parts of my love life (if only i had one). i told myself to stay clear of the untouchable...but i guess the hyde in me just wouldn't comply. spending more time with this person will only lead my into deeper misery... but hyde thinks, do i have to get water from the moon, to make the person love me.....

ciao

2008...now what?

haha...i am running out of ideas on what to put as my title. maybe because i have so many things to blog, and my thoughts are so random. i can hardly put them in pieces as the conflict in me is raging mad..

maybe i shall begin with something sweet..hmm, terence's birthday. it's today, but we celebrated it last night. we had chinese..delicious. although i love to try various types of dishes, chinese food is still my fav (maybe because i've been having them for close to 23 years)..dinner ended with the traditional cake cutting and eating ritual..haha. it's so much fun looking at terence cutting the cake..weird emotions were sketched all over his face. oh, and must i mention, the cake was delicious... it was heavenly, and it all came from jenni's.. (haha, i chose it cos chris couldn't decide). the white chocolate is just.....so luxurious..
we continued with karaoke at midlands.. gosh, i haven't been to that place in ages, and now, it's really really shody. it was one of the best malls back when i was a teenager....(nvm that). anyway, we sang. i sang (without a proper voice). and we finally realised that jack is the best singer of the lot...haha.
midway, i went bowling. gosh, i haven't bowled in 3 years....and it was funny watching me starting all over again. my first two sets went into the gutter...(with style)..haha..but, all in all, it was a good night

here's a little on my new year's party.. as u may have read from my previous blog...i had fun. in fact, i believe i had more fun than the rest of us...what u guys didn't know, is that the person that night wasn't me..(at least i think). somehow or other, a new personality emergered that night. this person is so different from ben, and [Q]. it's so weird....he's wild, he's crazy, he's beautiful, he's a drinker, a thirsty blood hunter...and someone who did things he never dared all his life... in fact, he was basically flirting with everyone on the dance floor...and i am worried. i am worried that he will rise again,and consume me without me knowing it....and it's dangerous. i think i need to see a shrink..
anyhow, i'm partly to be blamed too...for i did select my outfit, did on some makeup..and had chocolates...

i promised to touch a little on the 'untouchable'. well, it's very simple. it's a person, u can see, u can interact, u can have fun, u can share...but u can never have it. it's untouchable because if u do touch it, then it'll break everything. it'll shatter ur life, ur friendship, ur social circle...everything. it's not unreachable, for it is already there...but i just can't touch it. besides, touching it will mean that i'm stealing it from another person...and it's so wrong. lastly, untouchable too cos it may not feel the same way that i do...so, there. truly untouchable. guess i'll just have to live my life from afar, watching it bloom, while i wither....it's hard for me, and the void really consumed my day..but what can i do..it's just untouchable. (confession: it did affect my yoga practise this afternoon, just thinking of the untouchable)....maybe that's why i'm so moody.

anyway, here are other thoughts that i have had for the week....

1) i am addicted to dance.. in fact, i am addicted to performing dance...not the jam type. those that conveys a story..those filled with emotions....
i keep on having the picture of a waltz on the dance floor...full of emotions...of love, hate, revenge, and lost.... and another scene..i'm dancing on the dance floor of a club, surrounded by ppl...me flirting around, when suddenly, i am left alone on the dance floor...torn and dejected...with no one to pick me up... (gosh, what is happening to me??)

2) somehow, i kinda understand the muse behind 'the little mermaid'. the h.c.anderson version (not disney). somehow, i feel like i am like the mermaid...finding someone i like/love...and when i found it, i have to sell my voice to the witch (my fears)...resulting in me never telling the person of my feelings....ultimately, i think i shall perform the final sacrifice...throw myself off board, ending my misery..and learn to bless other ppl's love life....

3) i am like a phoenix.. (hey, who said that my thoughts are sane??). i've suffered a horrible year..passing away into the shadows..and ultimately, into embers..but somehow, before the flame was snuffed out, i burst forth again...with more fire, more beautiful..and stronger..and having my hair looking like flames..haha

4) what the heck am i doing stuck in a wet lab feeding some fishes? why do i have to sacrifice my weekends, my holidays, my time, to do something that i didn't ask for. i understand that the zoology field is wide..but why is my workload twice of that from my peers?? i wonder

5) what will i do when i finish my degree?? will i continue my masters? or do i work?? what about doing something out of the ordinary, like modelling, or maybe become a full time instructor?? who will be by my side on my graduation day?? will i have a loved one there? or will i only be sharing that day with my friends and family??

6)will i ever find love? i kinda shut myself from love a long time ago. i tried to open up,but i don't think i ever will...and what am i looking? am i looking for a female? or a male? probably u'll think that i am crazy, but i don't mind being with someone of the same gender (as long as my parents don't kill me when they find out).

7)i've had this particular heartache for a few years now...and i never really could put it down. i thought i could upon christmas, but new year brought it back to me. somehow, the heartache peaked during the holiday season because i had more encounters with it...gosh, i must be sick. let's hope i can put it down, and start somewhere else. however, someday, i do hope that i will gain enough courage (and hopefully i'm drunk), to actually address my heartache...

ok, enough of my thoughts....i have to go off now..to get ready for a new day. although it'll be a routine day...i'm always hoping for something better. as i've mentioned previously, there's always hope left in pandora's box..

je t'aime
ben

last day of 2007

haha..it's the last day of 2007. fret not, as it is not the end of the world yet.. it's just the end of another 'merde' year.. i'm hoping that the year ahead will be better..

so, what are your new year plans, ppl?? any resolutions?? i normally don't make them cos i can't keep them pass the booze...but maybe there's one.. that is i'll try to blog more.. haha. can't wait to see that happening.

what's ahead for me next year...hmm... i'll be working like a horse to complete my thesis, then viva... after that, graduation.. i'll be coming out to work, or maybe further my education...and i may be going for training in balance..and hoping that i will be given classes to teach...(me really desperate for money..haha). others.. i don't really see anything big coming..oh, and hopefully, i'll stay sane for next year...

thanks for the comment from the previous blog.. on the untouchable...i think i'm gonna save that for another post.. but if u really need an analogy, just think of it as concentrated acid...touch it, and it'll burn u to the core...

ok, i'll have to sign off here as i still have loads of things to do here in the lab.
here's to a better year ahead..au revoir
je t'aime

hate this feeling...

christmas have come and gone..and still, what have i done? nothing much! so, how did i spend christmas?? hmm...christmas eve sucks..went for dinner in e-gate, then went to gurney to look at revellers. it was horrible as those rowdy revellers were spraying fake snow here and there.. eventually, we have to seek sanctuary in starbucks. spent about 2 hours in starbucks looking at the ppl around us...nothing interesting, ppl are just as boring...and the ah bengs and ah lians came out in full force..after midnight, we left to head to the torch, to meet up with the jam gang. at least that place is so much more better. the ppl there are more civilised, although i think mich and lav beg to differ....but i think i had better time there...

chirstmas, christmas....also the very moment of heartache.. this week is so hard for me...as i've fallen for an untouchable..it's against all cardinal rules of dating, but i still fell.. at least for the moment. i really hope that it will come to pass, as this feeling is really hard to bear. but why...do i have to fall for an untouchable?? the powers that be is really playing games with my life huh.....actually, i'm hoping that someone can actually give me a few slaps across the face to set me straight...untouchables are untouchable!!!

and the feast of epiphany came to early for me..12 days too early. it happened at the pub, like an hour after christmas. i had finally seen what i have to see.. and realise that certain things have to come to pass. i've been hurting myself for far too long..now, it's time to pass and change.....

christmas gifts....hmm, only one. but it's ok, as it is from my best buddies..it's a detachable hoodie with a low cut...although i wanted another piece, this one is just as good...

one thing that i hope to do before the new year...to cry. i think it's time to let down my defences, retreat to a corner, and really cry for the year. it's the most horrible year that i've been through in 22 years of my life. it didn't start with a bang (in fact, i was in my room, drinking to my sadness), accidents, deaths, pressure, stress, social circle... and finally, the emotional turmoil that i've been through. there's only 2 days left..so, i hope that i can finally set things right..

ok, enough of my ramblings...and yes, i think i may be suffering from holiday depression...
and finally, happy new year to all my readers...
je t'aime

Monday Blues...

i'm back. don't worry, i didn't sideline this blog. it's just that things have to take a back seat as i face to challenges in reality. well, exams are drawing to an end. another paper this wednesday, and voila, i'm done. however, unlike previous years, i don't get to laze around and enjoy my holidays. i have to continue with my fyp. all the things that needed to be done..gosh, if only i have someone to share my day with....

speaking of sharing with someone special..i'm aware that most people around me managed to find their special someone. well, i haven't. months back, i was looking, 'marketing' myself and improving on my skills. however, i guess it's all no use as apparently what i've done is not enough. maybe i need to change my methods, do some soul searching or just retreat to a life of loneliness.....

well, i guess my hormones are a little 'off', so forgive me if u find this entry boring...

je t'aime

sorry for the stale blog. i know that it's been days since i last updated, but i seriously can't find a good oppurtunity to blog. besides, the thoughts in my head are so random that i can't really focus on something to blog about it. take now for instance, my brain is filled with the spice girls, some manga, gym and weight issues, as well as my uni problems.

one painful lesson i learnt this morning. never, NEVER, not check for your belongings the night before the exams. i conveniently idled my holidays away and didn't study much. hence, i had to cramp 14 chapters in 2 days for the paper this morning. somehow, it kinda skipped my mind to check for my pencil case and exam slip the night before. hence, me went to bed...come this morning, i was launched into panic state level 7/10. i couldn't find my pencil case, nor my exam slip. i searched high and low, time was running out, and the weather was gloom..then, only did i remember that i left it in the lab since last friday. could you believe it? friday to wednesday..gosh. therefore, i had to speed in the drizzle, up to uni, collect my pencil case, only to realise that my exam slip is in the bag that i'm carrying. thank goodness i made it to the exam hall on time and managed to finish my paper. one lesson learned: panicking before exams (especially for trivial matters) may lead to unrest...

i was reading KH's blog just now, and was touched by a few post on having faith and the power of prayers. i kinda lost faith in many things for quite a while. and i don't believe in prayers. however, there is this weird feeling in me to do some good lately, and restore my faith that there's hope in humanity. ever get the feeling of stopping and do something good? i nearly did that last friday night. however, i think there were other things holding my back like my ego or something. however, the feeling was just weird and overwhelming.

oh readers, go check out the new spice girls video. it's titled headlines (friendship never ends). it's beautiful. and do check out geri's abs. they are fabulous. it's amazing that a mother can have those abs while i'm stuck with a beer belly. i need to work harder. and the recent stress is not helping me reach my target. take today, i was so stressed out that i ate more and decided to skip gym and took a long afternoon nap instead. now, i'm feeling guilty and will compensate for gym time tomorrow.

oh, and to all indian bloggers/readers, happy celebrating diwali/deepavali, the festival of lights. may the light of goodness forever truimph over evil (evil ppl like me should be wary..haha).

ciao
je t'aime