burnt in flames

everyone has a special ability. i am not talking about the ability to fly, or to see through walls, but the ability to make changes, and makes a person stand out. i too, had one. i thought, at least, i had.
but now, i have come to realise that i also have the ability to fade out. to tune out, and to disappear into the background.
the feeling of having seated in the corner of a club, filled with people, and still not get noticed, not a single hi, not a single smile, amazing.
the feeling of clearing the jam-packed dance floor within minutes, amazing.
where do i go? where do i stand? what do i do? sometimes, i don't know..

i am not sure if i have blogged on karma before, but now, i have come to realise that one cannot beat karmic forces. although one may be able to reduce the karmic forces, make amends, and lighten it, certain forces will come back in time to haunt you. perhaps, my time is now. the karmic forces are returning, and i have no one to talk to.. no one to turn to. no shoulder to rest my weary head. no arm to wrap around me, to assure me that everything is going to be ok. the time is now..

over the past week, i placed some emphasis on setting the foundation right. but even the sturdiest foundation, may give way. as a bystander, i am not sure what to feel to see a bridge collapse and fall. but having seen how it has taken a toll on so many issues, probably it should be a closure. is it a berlin wall? or is it a commoner's bridge. only time will tell.

the look, the hair, the style, the skin, the face, the charm, the charisma, the wealth, the company, the surrounding.. how i wish i could trade place with you, and be you. but i know, it won't happen. i can never be you, and certainly not a part of you. i will never exist in your dictionary.. however, you are still able to draw out the deepest darkest feelings that i have sealed in my secret labyrinth. i must say, you are certainly amazing. if only we had a different set of fate..

although i have grown to love myself, there is also an opposite force of self-loathing that i can't help. i hate every aspect of myself. most importantly, i hate my physical appearance. it is the worst torture, and the worst suffering a man could handle. in this skin, i bleed the hardest. in this skin, i hurt the most. my only consolation, that i am the last of the line, and i will not allow this physical and mental suffering to continue in generations to come.

dance in the dark

amazingly, having about 3 pure shots of bacardi apple in my system now is not impending my judgements, and my evaluation now. in fact, i can even see clearer the things to come, and things that might be happening.

i've also come to terms with the situation, and realised that it can no longer be the same. things have got to change, and i have to take the first step. be it that i have taken small steps all these while, but a giant leap is needed to take it further.

standing on the dance floor, with lights shining by, and music pulsing through my veins... it was virtually impossible to get me to dance. what have gone missing, you may ask.. and i would say, myself. in fact, the person that was supposed to be myself have died in that crash, and this is just a substitute.. keen on taking it differently.

when all things have come and passed, only emptiness remains. when this is the sorry fact, then i guess my path towards it remains true.

however, in the words of gaga.. i just wanna dance in the dark..:)

ciao

drunk

so, i finally figured out where the problem was. it wasn't with anyone else, it wasn't with anything else. but the root of everything was me. myself. the very person who caused so much distress in my life is myself. if i had not let it fester, it wouldn't have happened. if it wasn't my stubborness, and my inability to control myself, it wouldn't happen. it it wasn't for my failure, then i wouldn't have caused myself that much hurt and pain.

probably it really take me quite a while to realise it, and probably i have realised it, but i fail to take it to heart. i failed to bring myself to accept the fact, in which i should have done so earlier. gosh, i failed in my practise. all because of the stupid thought that i could. probably i should really look in the mirror and re-evaluate myself. the monster that stares back needs to be taught a lesson in life, and move on to continue being the monster...

i finally got what i wanted, and a little bit more. managed to get myself dead drunk last friday, and then, for that added effect, and accident. the amazing part of driving into someone's porch (and through its hedge), is that it will sober up a person immediately (albeit temporarily). i do wonder what was i thinking. but then, i did get dead drunk, and finally threw up. oh, the feeling.. it's so painful that i like it....

to think that i actually could have been dead twice in the same day, and yet managed to walk out alive and unharmed... probably i have my guardian angels to thank (as someone put it). but then, deep down... somewhere very deep down in my heart, there is also a part that wished that i was dead, and everything would be ok.. i guess that subconscious thinking actually blurred me and led to my accident... and now, oh, how i wish i am a has been....

the funny part about growing up is.. when you fail to perform, u do hope someone will lecture you. scold u, or reprimand you.. but my parents are not doing this to me over this incident. in fact, dad was supporting me to go out to socialise and not coop myself up.. but reality is, i do admit, i am suffering from mild post-traumatic stress disorder. i have learnt it, and am suffering from it. will try to get through it, but i guess it will take some time...

although i have told myself to move on, i couldn't find myself a direction anymore. in fact, this morning, i was in a total loss of what to do. i don't even know how to go on with life, and all i am doing now, is just living it from day to day.. i think i need to seek professional help..

enough of my crazy stories. still need to find some time for myself, and learn how to live again. however, i don't think i can break away from self guilt, disappointment and self resent anymore. only time will muffle these wounds, for they can never be healed...NEVER

ciao

pandemonium

pandemonium - that's the time when all hell breaks loose. that is the time, when things get so out of control that there is nothing that can be done to rectify or manage the situation.

this is exactly what i am feeling now. or at least what i felt for the past few days (cos as of now,i am feeling tipsy already).

so, it seems that i have unleashed hell, and the greatest stone in my heart. i have set for and said things that i am and wasn't supposed to say. i have told certain people secrets so dark that they wouldn't want to even be associated with me from now on.. but i guess the damage is done.

being somewhat a listener, writer and thinker, it never really occur to me that i have the gift of eloquence to tell people so many other things. i have also struck down certain obstacles so strong, and am airing my dirty laundry in the general public.
thank goodness to my two besties tonight, for willing to take up my offer for a drink, and some partying. seems like it is not easy being us, and it will surely be harder being me..

so, according to besties, time to let it go. start anew, and i could easily do that if i learn how to let go, and work my assests. i also realised that previous encounters were generally shoved aside due to certain reservations in me.. now, it is time to ditch them all away, and finally start with something new.

i guess this is the last time i am going clubbing in a while. not only is it emotional and physically damaging, it also ruins my wallet by burning a huge hole inside it. however, won't mind for another round of drinks..:)

am signing off now to catch up on my soberiety

ciao

halloween closure

as i write this post, i am still at the point of gaining my soberiety. not that i was completely drunk from last night, but there is still some traces of the things that had happen to me, that keeps on lingering around.

what started out as a halloween party eventually turned out to be more than what i have asked for. an innocent night out with pals, some drinking.. eventually turned into a greater deal of drinking and a whole host of other games that ppl play. that's also the point when i realise that it is enough, and there is no point kidding myself anymore.

it takes a great deal to come to terms with ourselves. not easy, and at times, full of doubts and confusion. i am still learning,and will continue learning until it's over.

what's the point of having a heart, when there is no one there to love???

i never really see myself as a dancer. in fact, i'm pretty convinced that i have two left feet. however, it had seem that 2 times in the clubs have proven me wrong. is it true? or am i just generating illusions to kid myself (again). what is that, that ppl see? that i don't realise?

i think i may be slowly turning into an alcoholic. not something that i'm proud off, but i think i really need it to help me get through things. even if it doesn't really help, at least it'll leave me sleeping throughout the day.

but then, there is also another point that i don't comprehend. alcohol tears down inhibitions. but why couldn't it restore the tears that i so want to shed. i tried to cry, but it still didn't work.. if only it could, i think i may feel a little better..

i need strength to shoulder on... need to find it from within.

am worried about phoenix. everytime it surfaces, it brings along with it a whole trail of destruction, and i have to pick up from its ashes the day after.. not sure what the phoenix may do in the future..

ciao

Wild Child??

So, clubbing wasn't that bad.. in fact,it's good to be back in the scene once in a while (albeit, it's already been almost a year). At least, i know that i still have what it takes, and also what i have. But, is it really great? Should i give myself a chance?? hahaha... not sure.. haha (hmm, probably next time?? haha)

leaving to hong kong and macau in 3 days time. all the planning is near completion. however, i do pray that everything will turn out fine. after all, i am a magnet for murphy's law. things will somehow find a way to go out of plan, and i certainly hope that it wouldn't happen.

speaking of planning.. somehow, again and again ,i've been thrust into the position of leader/secretary/planner.. is this really my job? can i not lead for once? instead, just have fun and enjoy? i don't want to constantly take notes for everything, including my vacation. let's just hope that this won't happen again..

again on planning, but on another subject, i do kinda feel like i've been sabotaged. i mean, come on.. i have worked on it, and want it to be a bang..but do u really have to do it? do you really have to sabotage me just to impress ur ppl?

am running out of writing juice to do up the articles for my work. i may have some ideas, and will look for a way to pen my ideas down, but i still don't have the flair and the muse to link those thoughts together... even writing this post is difficult. probably i'm still tired...

will write again soon.

ciao

Exposed...

Now that the House of [Q] have been exposed, i am not sure if it still safe to pen my thoughts here anymore. one side of me tell me it's ok, because this is my inner thoughts and feelings, but there is still another side of me, which is a little apprehensive. somepart which is still unsure, and worried if i should be read like an open book.

all this while, i managed to keep a good job separating work from social, and from personal.. but i do wonder.. is it even possible to amalgate them, or should i draw the border properly?? i think i need a sign..

am going clubbing tonight. after staying off the scene for about a year, it's time to leave everything behind, and start all over again. i've come to realised that i shouldn't be so conservative, and so stubborn. probably it's ingrained into me, but should i remain so?? time to let go, and enjoy.

now, just hope and pray that it's an innocent night, and i won't turn into a wild child, and get drunk..

enough for now,a m about to leave. waiting for my ride :)...c'est la vie

ciao

Born to be Wild....

Hehe..sorry combat boys, but i guess i have to borrow a song title from ur last release to use for my rantings..hehe.

Why the title, you may ask...hmm, i guess every person is born with some primal animal instinct in them waiting to be unleashed.. and mine finally came out of the woodworks last friday nite.

Yup, went clubbing with the boys...and unleashed the beast inside of me..haha. i guess i was sleazy, loose and out-of-control..hehe. but it was pure fun for me. i dare say it's the best clubbing experience that i have had all this while.and i have no regrets for it. can't wait for christmas to unleash the beast again..

and boys, pardon me if i did plant my smooches on u all..haha.

another fun thing (slight damage to the wallet)is shopping.. and guess what, i managed to blow about 400 bucks in about 4 hours..hehe. it was the perfect retail therapy for me as i loved everything that i bought... from soundtracks to apparels to 'beauty products'...haha. i wish i could do that more often, provided that it's sustainable to my wallet...

just a random thought: am really happy with my 'bodybalance' family, that our dicipline for tuition is superb. everyone makes an effort to turn up and present their best for the session, even though it is just only a tuition. now, am just waiting for the launch come this sunday. i get to present 2 tracks (the first time i am presenting for launch)..am so happy!!!

and once again, am happy that i managed to sell my idea for the dress code during the launch. balance is turning colourful...with white tops and pastel fishermen's bottom. haha. am just wondering how to spruce the class up on the launch itself.

another random thought: am becoming the 'professional master of ceremony (MC) again for a recycling convention come this saturday. love my job, but have to stay put until the end of the day..

ok, signing off now as i'm in the midst of preparing my speech text.

ciao
je t'aime
Ben

crystal

well, i'm back. after the one week hiatus, i'm back again. i guess the break was good, as i got to re-evaulate a hell lots of things, and kinda sort certain things out. besides, i've got to finish two books, am and now starting the third book. i sure need to hunt for more books to read for leisure.

even so, it's been an emotional turmoil for me, as i had another 'roller-coaster' mood throughout the week. at a certain point, i was really really happy, another time, i was really sad. then i was pissed also.. especially towards the end of the week. many things precipitated, and it got to me. but i think i am fine now.. neutral

for starters, i think i'm going to work while studying for my masters. yes, i may take up a part-time masters degree. and at the same time, i need a job. i just can't sit around idle, and money doesn't grow on trees. besides, i really need some cash to fulfill certain ideals of mine. i think i may even considering working a couple of jobs..if time and energy permits.

next, my take on relationships. friendship or intimate ones, i think i should start keeping my distance, and heck, may even rebuild the wall that i once had. no one is to be trusted. no one deserves to be loved anymore. not even the ones closest to myself. heck, even family can't be trusted, or loved that much anymore. i am now really anticipating the moment when i am emancipated, and may be on my own. all alone.

i've also come to the conclusion that i should start to silence myself. probably, it's the best way to reduce contact with the world. that way, no one will get hurt. and i'll remain safe as my thoughts will no longer be accessible..haha.

fame and fortune has eluded me. time to me to get grounded and stare reality in the face. some say reality is what u make of it, but there are times when circumstances makes the man. i am not marked to the world to know me..i am not marked to be honoured and worshipped by the world. so, it's best for me to retire into my little alcove and do what is best for me..staying far from the radar. as far as possible.

went clubbing last night, as a final test to confirm my thoughts. and yes, i finally realised that i have no doings in the club, and yesterday shall mark the end of my clubbing days. although i may seem to have fun, still, things are just not meant to be. some things just will not leave the comfort zone, and there is just no point for me to push furter. therefore, i think i shall just return to the guy that i once used to be..

guess that's all for tonight.. i shall return to my book.. fantasy may lead us to paths that we never imagine we could travel.. and yet, we remain safe and sound in our humble abode. as usual, i am travelling back in time again..allowing the moment to enrich my knowledge and experience.. and showing me lovely things from an ancient world.

until then, goodbye

ciao
je t'aime
ben

p.s. celine rescheduled her concert due to respiratory problems. i pray that she'll be fine and put on a good show.. and also hopefully my air ticket could be transferred according to the new dates.

random..

in case you haven't heard, celine is coming to town.. ok, not exactly penang, but she'll be in KL for a one-night-only concert. it's part of her 'taking chances' world tour. so.....hmm... guess i'll be spending the night of april 8th in stadium merdeka enjoying the time of my life. i just can't wait for the tickets to be on sale....argh!! celine... if only you could read this and realise that how much this means to me..

time flies really fast. it's chinese new year's eve now. weeks ago, i was busy shopping for the big day...and now, it's barely 24 hours away. 360 days gone (in lunar calendar, there's only 360 days), making way for another 360 days. let's just hope that things will turn out better for the coming year.

i've sinned again.. been pigging out for the past few days. last night, i went for 'lok-lok' with my buddies. i ate quite a lot there. then, we continued at lecka-lecka, with me having green tea gelato. as delicious as they may seem, it's still sinful. tonight was worst as i just downed a bowl of maggie mee and a few slices of bak kwa (as supper). someone better stop me before i develop a belly for new year..

i've finally come to terms with myself regarding my untouchable. i've just realised that it is not worth for me to have any emotions to this person. in fact, my untouchable is nowhere worthy now, as it failed to meet my expectations. besides, i've learned to read the signals properly now. i know my cues and signs and will not play ur silly little game anymore.

many posts ago, i did mention that i'll be getting the house all by myself for 2 weeks... now, the time is here. my parents are down under enjoying themselves.. and i am here, alone in the house.. is this a blessing? or is this a curse. i seriously can't find my heart. one way, i'm glad that i'm alone... but at the same time, i do long company from someone that i love and will love me back with me now.. if only i have this person with me..haih

singles party cancelled. yay. i don't have to do 'charity' anymore. besides, why do i want to punish myself by being in a singles party?? i wonder....there may be a hint of desperation in me, but i guess nothing will be right for me forever.

oh, went clubbing on sat nite, but it sucked. dj was lousy, feel was crappy, the crowd was poor... and i wasn't in my finest. but what the heck, i partied until 3 in the morning. what's important is that i had my friends there, as well as kah hooi, who is about to enter legal age in 4 days time... happy birthday to you (in advance, in case i don't see you)..

ciao
je t'aime
kong hei fatt choy

ben

2008...now what?

haha...i am running out of ideas on what to put as my title. maybe because i have so many things to blog, and my thoughts are so random. i can hardly put them in pieces as the conflict in me is raging mad..

maybe i shall begin with something sweet..hmm, terence's birthday. it's today, but we celebrated it last night. we had chinese..delicious. although i love to try various types of dishes, chinese food is still my fav (maybe because i've been having them for close to 23 years)..dinner ended with the traditional cake cutting and eating ritual..haha. it's so much fun looking at terence cutting the cake..weird emotions were sketched all over his face. oh, and must i mention, the cake was delicious... it was heavenly, and it all came from jenni's.. (haha, i chose it cos chris couldn't decide). the white chocolate is just.....so luxurious..
we continued with karaoke at midlands.. gosh, i haven't been to that place in ages, and now, it's really really shody. it was one of the best malls back when i was a teenager....(nvm that). anyway, we sang. i sang (without a proper voice). and we finally realised that jack is the best singer of the lot...haha.
midway, i went bowling. gosh, i haven't bowled in 3 years....and it was funny watching me starting all over again. my first two sets went into the gutter...(with style)..haha..but, all in all, it was a good night

here's a little on my new year's party.. as u may have read from my previous blog...i had fun. in fact, i believe i had more fun than the rest of us...what u guys didn't know, is that the person that night wasn't me..(at least i think). somehow or other, a new personality emergered that night. this person is so different from ben, and [Q]. it's so weird....he's wild, he's crazy, he's beautiful, he's a drinker, a thirsty blood hunter...and someone who did things he never dared all his life... in fact, he was basically flirting with everyone on the dance floor...and i am worried. i am worried that he will rise again,and consume me without me knowing it....and it's dangerous. i think i need to see a shrink..
anyhow, i'm partly to be blamed too...for i did select my outfit, did on some makeup..and had chocolates...

i promised to touch a little on the 'untouchable'. well, it's very simple. it's a person, u can see, u can interact, u can have fun, u can share...but u can never have it. it's untouchable because if u do touch it, then it'll break everything. it'll shatter ur life, ur friendship, ur social circle...everything. it's not unreachable, for it is already there...but i just can't touch it. besides, touching it will mean that i'm stealing it from another person...and it's so wrong. lastly, untouchable too cos it may not feel the same way that i do...so, there. truly untouchable. guess i'll just have to live my life from afar, watching it bloom, while i wither....it's hard for me, and the void really consumed my day..but what can i do..it's just untouchable. (confession: it did affect my yoga practise this afternoon, just thinking of the untouchable)....maybe that's why i'm so moody.

anyway, here are other thoughts that i have had for the week....

1) i am addicted to dance.. in fact, i am addicted to performing dance...not the jam type. those that conveys a story..those filled with emotions....
i keep on having the picture of a waltz on the dance floor...full of emotions...of love, hate, revenge, and lost.... and another scene..i'm dancing on the dance floor of a club, surrounded by ppl...me flirting around, when suddenly, i am left alone on the dance floor...torn and dejected...with no one to pick me up... (gosh, what is happening to me??)

2) somehow, i kinda understand the muse behind 'the little mermaid'. the h.c.anderson version (not disney). somehow, i feel like i am like the mermaid...finding someone i like/love...and when i found it, i have to sell my voice to the witch (my fears)...resulting in me never telling the person of my feelings....ultimately, i think i shall perform the final sacrifice...throw myself off board, ending my misery..and learn to bless other ppl's love life....

3) i am like a phoenix.. (hey, who said that my thoughts are sane??). i've suffered a horrible year..passing away into the shadows..and ultimately, into embers..but somehow, before the flame was snuffed out, i burst forth again...with more fire, more beautiful..and stronger..and having my hair looking like flames..haha

4) what the heck am i doing stuck in a wet lab feeding some fishes? why do i have to sacrifice my weekends, my holidays, my time, to do something that i didn't ask for. i understand that the zoology field is wide..but why is my workload twice of that from my peers?? i wonder

5) what will i do when i finish my degree?? will i continue my masters? or do i work?? what about doing something out of the ordinary, like modelling, or maybe become a full time instructor?? who will be by my side on my graduation day?? will i have a loved one there? or will i only be sharing that day with my friends and family??

6)will i ever find love? i kinda shut myself from love a long time ago. i tried to open up,but i don't think i ever will...and what am i looking? am i looking for a female? or a male? probably u'll think that i am crazy, but i don't mind being with someone of the same gender (as long as my parents don't kill me when they find out).

7)i've had this particular heartache for a few years now...and i never really could put it down. i thought i could upon christmas, but new year brought it back to me. somehow, the heartache peaked during the holiday season because i had more encounters with it...gosh, i must be sick. let's hope i can put it down, and start somewhere else. however, someday, i do hope that i will gain enough courage (and hopefully i'm drunk), to actually address my heartache...

ok, enough of my thoughts....i have to go off now..to get ready for a new day. although it'll be a routine day...i'm always hoping for something better. as i've mentioned previously, there's always hope left in pandora's box..

je t'aime
ben

the new beginning

it's officially 2008 now. another year has gone by... and this year, i'll be turning 23..haha. 23. such a weird number. not really young, but yet not too old. anyway...it wouldn't be so soon though..haha

so, how did u guys spend the new year?? i had a blast. in fact, it was more than a blast. i was wild. although i missed all the fireworks and the such, i think i made more fireworks than usual. i was transformed..completely into another person. just ask my pals and they'll tell u that it wasn't me last nite/this morning..haha

so, we had to have dinner at the hawker centre...no complaints from me as it's way cheaper from being in QE2. then, headed over to upper penang road to have fun. the place was crowded, and ppl are trying to get into the clubs by the droves. so, we headed to babylon instead (well, this babylon is no where near the one in qaf). the suite/lounge was perfect. nice deco, nice lighting, and most important, nice mattress to lie on..haha. so, had a pina colada there to warm up the night....

then, slightly before midnight, headed over to momo's. yup...the infamous momo. well,it was relatively easy to go in..(5 mins). but we spent another 5 minutes looking for a space to linger. the place was jam packed. so, i partied...hard. i went wildl beyond reason. in fact, i was flirting and playing around with a lot of ppl in sight..haha.

dancing was superb..and ppl are hot hot hot.....it's the most amazing time of my life. in fact, this is the third time in momo's for me, but i have never partied that hard before. i had nothing to worry...and it was perfect.

anyway, enough of my day....i hope that the future will be just as good as this..haha.
so, here are a few things that i found out to really enjoy myself:
1) booze aplenty
2) superb fashion sense (i was dressed up to the nines)
3) nice hair highlights (my hair is violet red now)
4) good dance skills
5) besties
6) flirts aplenty
7) a certain heartache and the untouchable


hahahaha....so, here's all i have for the new year..have fun guys..
ciao
je t'aime