of candy canes and rochers

after 26 years, you would at least think that you'll deserve a gift that is befitting. a gift that reminds you that you are appreciated, and you are important. but what i got is a gift of convenience and another, a gift of obligation. the irony in everything is that both of them aren't gonna last until next christmas, and will never survive to remind me of i would have. (probably i can't say bout the candy cane, cos i think i won't even bother eating it at the first place).

is this enough to justify my dislike for the season? for the merriment? for the 'much ado about nothing' syndrome? yes. i think so. it also forced me to break my self-imposed restriction against clubbing and alcohol, and also throws me a tonne of thoughts which shouldn't appear.

forsaken any, i have not. forsaken by others, oh yes, without a doubt. will i survive it? i only pray for better strength and energy to prevent me from breaking. but neither would i deny that i am on the verge of collapsing. i don't know where to source for energy anymore. where to find the strength to carry on, to show the world that i am ok.

masquerade theme. how befitting. i wore the best mask. a mask that shows no true emotions, but what i want others to believe. a mask so perfect that even i may be fooled sometimes. so now, where is my best costume prize? like i wilted flower, i will slowly fade. into oblivion, i will never shine again. my blossom has passed, my end is near. as the winter draws near, into the shadow lands, i will not fear.

for the heart beats not for the moment, but a survival of the mind. for the end draws by, not for a moment, but for the passing of time. for then, only will i rise, forsaken, forgiven, forgotten. only to bring truth to those who will hear, and open the hearts for those who will listen.

ciao
in case i won't blog again, happy blessed 2012.

surviving christmas 2011

this post was supposed to be written last night.. but again, i was inspired, but couldn't pull myself off the bed to write it.

it's 6 days until christmas, and 5 days until that dreaded dinner. for once, i have never been so depressed during the season as compared to this year. last year was a wreck for me, and this year, things just got worst. i am dreading every single moment from the start of december, and i wonder how can i even survive until the 31st, and move on to the next year. everyday, a little part seems to die inside of me, making me wonder how many more posts would i survive to write and share.

anyway, it is now the morning of the 19th. significant? probably no more. probably yes, but i am trying my very best not to put anything to the heart. after all, i have other things to focus on. it's been more than a year, and looking back, it was just plain stupid. it has also been 8 months. wreck, yes. any better? no

life is full of mistakes. one of which is trust. i should have never placed trust on anyone. i should have remained true to my old self, to keep it in and never divulge. however, now, i feel betrayed. i feel lost, and i feel battered. and to make it worst, it's not even a war that i saw coming. are we even at war? disappointments, there are many, but does it have to end this way?

at times, i wish that i could be selfish. i should learn how to fend for myself, and not stand out and wait, and hope. i should learn to not hold the light out for anyone. for at the end, i am the very person that is left outside alone. cold.

this year's christmas is slightly different. as mentioned, i hated it when the first signs of christmas was displayed in stores and splashed over the papers, the tv, the radio and other media. i dread it. hence, no tree. it would have been better minus the dinner, and all the other fan fare, but then, a promise/agreement must be kept. however, there is this part of me that wishes that i would fall ill on christmas eve, so that i don't have to attend the dinner and the party.

somehow, i don't think i have the ability to maintain a social life and understanding anymore. crowds frighten me. people intimidate me. somehow, the thought of remaining home in seclusion is comforting. it may not be biggie, but i did nearly pass out from a panic attack while browsing through the mall. what happened, i can't tell. one thing i know, i am not made to live this life.

probably the greatest tip to survive this season is to acknowledge the season. yes. it is that damned christmas. and that damned coming new year. everyone is supposed to be happy. spreading goodwill and peace on earth. having accepted that, only can i develop my thoughts to embrace, deny, reject, embitter or to just mourn the season. i guess i am doing well here. wherein lies the christmas spirit, cheer and pure, undefiled? i have yet to learn. i have also yet to learn to forgive, to forget, and to free.

since i am on a roll, the year hasn't been entirely kind, but neither is it entirely unkind to me. there are certain achievements that i could be proud of. i took a change to rechart my path. but i guess that's all that i can remember. the rest would be memories that haunt me. inner sorrow and fear that torments my existence. and mostly, things that make me want to stop in my tracks, and not start all over.

tabula rasa. is it possible? can i cut everything to let go? how can i erase everything.

there's a notion in me that i may not have written before. i threw away my childhood. i sacrificed my teenage years. but now that i am an adult, i am not going to get back what i have missed, and neither am i getting what i should be getting now. c'est la vie? i have seen better. but what's good is never going to be mine. in fact, nothing is ever going to be mine.

probably i should really reset my targets, and reorient my focus for the coming year. i should allow myself to fall, but instead to focus everything that i have on what is important. my studies. love, i have done without since my existence. friends, i can learn to do without (i am already starting to stay away from most of it). family, it is not impossible. nothing should matter any more.

these silent tears, that never fall.. i humbly present as offering to misery. may the best be with you.

blessed christmas

tip 2 to survive christmas: start rejecting people even before christmas. if possible, a 6 months grace period would be good. that would get you all ready to face the season alone.

tip 3: find a new hobby. i am sure, 21 research papers would be enough to fill the season and distract most of my time.

tip 4: get a pet. they help. or plants

tip 5: conveniently store the christmas tree in somewhere hard to reach, so there are no attempts to retrieve it and set it up.

i hate giving. i have had enough of giving. i gave so much, but my returns are not justified. everything, i have given without complaints. even when it hurts me.. i gave. no more. no more will i do it this time.

happy xmas... the war is over

p.s. and yes, happy birthday. even when i don't wanna say it to you. you have having a good time, a good life.. a random speck of dust will never get noticed

Christmas Cheer

Christmas has come and gone, yet again. 14 hours ago, i was in a 'boudoir' of BBB, waiting for my drinks to arrive, celebrating christmas with just a couple of friends. i think it was great to have these ppl with me, but sometimes, i wished it was a little different. had i listened to the other 'me' and stayed at home for christmas, will it be different?? should i stay at home for new year's also?? probably that will do me more good than partying..

enough of 'if's, a little recap of yesterday. had great time in gym, dancing, teaching, torturing ppl, and bringing out the 'diva' in me again.. i guess once in a while, it's ok to let go and have fun. however, i dare say, 90 minutes of balance is not that bad.. it's not that hard as we get to play around and relax. however, i guess i should not miss the 90 minutes step class...

a little heart to heart last night with some close pals. more of their heart and my ear (haha.. and it's good for me). however, triggered some emotions and thoughts, but thankfully, i had them under wraps. hehehehe

can't wait to go for movie tonight. i kinda stopped going to the cinema for the past couple of weeks.. but i guess i shouldn't let my free tickets go to waste...

blessed be.
ben

Festivals

Earlier this year, i had a little go in documenting the many chinese festivals celebrated throughout the year. however, as time passes, i guess other priorities and tasks cropped up, resulting in the neglect of such updates.

Anyhow, we are now at the end of the year. the last most important festival in the chinese calendar was celebrated on the 21st of December, namely the Winter Solstice. as i am cantonese, this festival is actually more important to us compared to chinese new year itself. accordingly, the days are now shorter, and nights are colder. with the passing of the solstice, it also means that spring is round the corner...

Although the celebrations are not grand, the basics are almost the same. firstly, prayers are offered to the heavens to express gratidude to the heavens for bestowing its blessings to the family. then, round glutinous rice balls (tang yuen) were also made and served to all family members as the MUST eat food of the day. the roundness symbolises unity, coupled with the sugary syrup to indicate good relations amongst all who eats it.

Not far from the winter solstice, it is christmas. although widely accepted as the celebration of the birth of christ, christmas actually has deeper pagan meanings to it. christmas was originally celebrated by pagan folk as the birth of the mithras, after the longest day of winter.. anyway, it's now a secular celebration, celebrated by christians and non-christians alike.

as for me, i do have my christmas tree all ready, my christmas eve dinner planned, and my christmas day occupied. but with the new change of lifestyle, i am actually running out of time and space to prepare gifts and all for everybody.. now, i really do hope that there are some elves out there who would help..

eat, drink and be merry, they said.. which is what i plan to do tomorrow nite.. hehe.
but before that, i think i may want to go to the hairstylist to get my hair done, and perhaps get myself proper outfit for the dinner.. still dunno what to wear.

also, with the new year approaching, i can't help but to feel so thankful for the year that passed. so many things have happened, so many things have changed. for better or for worse, changes do happen and will always affect me in ways that i could have never foreseen.

time to shake off the blues, and put on a merry hat!!

Merry Christmas, Blessed Yuletide, and Happy Hannukah to all.. (depending on which that you celebrate)

Peace on earth

ciao
ben

what am i blogging on??

haha, was asked this question by a fellow blogger moments before clicking on this page. well, i guess there is no specific topic that i want to blog. just same old, same old.. random thoughts that just spring out of nowhere.. hehe.

anyway, am already in the mood for x'mas (heck, i was in the mood since last week). my leave is approved, and i get about 10 days off from work. i guess this is the best gift i can get from the company.. after all, i don't think i can work when i'm in the holiday mood.. hehe.

oh, am so glad that my last event for the year is over. i have to say, i managed to set quite a high benchmark for my future events. the response was great, everything that i feared would go wrong didn't go wrong.. and i just love the publicity. imagine that, seeing my name in the newspapers.. hehe. and then reading the press coverage of my event (such great coverage in the chinese press).. and the best part, actually heard that my event was publicised over the radio.. yes!! it was on air (mix.fm), and i managed to hear it as i was driving home on friday nite.. haha.

on other matter: saturday shopping.. simply fantastic. bought myself another pair of nike.. hehe. and it was for a bargain (who could resists good bargains??.. certainly not me).. and yes, managed to get myself coloured contact lenses.. hehe. it shall make its debut soon.. now, i think i should get myself some work clothes, perfume for mum, and also party wear for x'mas eve..

i guess i shall stop here, as i am leaving for gym now.. gonna help them set up x'mas tree.. hehe..

ciao
ben

am wishing all a blessed christmas..

colour

so, thanks to the multi-composition of races in m'sia, we enjoyed another public holiday yesterday (eid-al-adha). guess i needed that break more than ever, as working life is starting to take a toll on me (and it's only 6 months of my 35 year career)..can i survive? i wonder.. in fact, i'm taking coffee now as i blog..

can't wait for another break.. and this time, it's gonna be a long one. am going on leave from the 24th until the 5th of january next year.. woohoo.. in fact, i did think of running away into somewhere secluded, stay there for a week, then return to civilisation.. hahaha. any ideas where to head to??

am 'spring' cleaning some stuff, despite the fact that it's not even christmas yet. stocked up on some plants (roses and roses), in time for the new year.. and am thinking of 'spring' cleaning myself too.. am reconsidering my hair colour and probably, coloured contact lenses too.. hehe (i'm born under the venus star, so, u can't blame me).. am also contemplating on sprucing up my wardrobe..

did some soul searching and found out the cause of my problems (or perceived problems).. haha. don't know how to deal with it, and perhaps will never know. and perhaps i shall just continue doing things that i will regret at the end of the day..

ok, enough for now. am running dry on ideas to blog..

am starting to get into the x'mas spirit.. and all i want, probably, is just to spend x'mas in a little place, with a nice glass of wine, warmed by the fire, and enjoying traditional carols....(too early to dream though).. ahah

ok, ciao

waterfall..

i seriously have no idea what's gotten into me lately.. my mood is more volatile than a pms-ing woman. and gosh, i lose my patience at the slightest thing. besides, ppl around me could sense the anger and resentment.. probably the b**** is coming back!! haha.

watched twilight on saturday nite (after a series of unfortunate events). gosh, the movie is just so nice to watch.. i have to admit, it's rather light (what do u expect from chick flicks), but i really love it. the best part, i get to chuckle and laugh at parts from the movie while others are left in a blur.. all thanks to the book. oh, btw, robert pattinson... gorgeous at some angle, weird at some angle.. falling a little short of the edward cullen i had in mind. as for alice.. wow. she's an angel. simply amazing. anyway, do watch it with an open heart.. and then, follow up with a reread of the book. u'll get to the missing scenes, but trust me, u can play them in ur head with the beautiful cast.. verdict: book over movie (but movie is still not that bad)

went to the floral fest yesterday. not amazed.. in fact, a little disappointed as the fest is really really toned down!! come on, they could do so much better. and it ended bitterly.. cos i was caught in the rain. was drenched.. so much for floral fest. didn't even get to purchase some roses so that i can plant them at home
(and possibly the office).

went to the clan jetty after floral fest. this is my first time taking a walk at all those famed clan jetties.. it's such a different sight, different life from the urban one that i am living. imagine that, they don't even have proper sanitary systems...haha. but it's really an experience to be enjoyed. at least, now i can proudly say that i've been to the jetties (and to a certain extent, walked to the middle of the ocean..haha).

anyway, i just discovered one of the most amazing waterfall in bukit dumbar. for 3 years, i've been up and down the road, and never once did i notice that there's a waterfall behind those flats. and just now, i just saw it, and it was so amazing. kinda hard to locate initially, but when i finally did, the waterfall was breath-taking. sadly, there's development right in front of the waterfall, therefore, it's not an ideal recreational area. will try to trace the source via google earth (can't climb the surroundings, as it's too steep).

another week, better work hard. christmas is round the corner, and i have already put up the x'mas tree.. hehe. yup. however, due to inflation and the economic downturn, decided to reuse last years baubles and theme.. therefore it's blue and white again.. probablt it's an indication of my mood.. always blue.. hahahaha.

am now caught at the cross roads.. when should i submit my application form to return to my studies, and what should i really apply for?? should i pursue my dream and become a marine biologist, or become a zoologist, or perhaps become an environmentalist?? i seriously have no idea.. besides, i really want to tie it to my job, so that i don't give up my current job..

anyway, just realised that i've been taken for granted once too often. probably it's time to relook my options, and probably learn how to say no!

finally, am still in the process of coping. at least now i can have limited conservation with the person..at least, i am no longer chasing waterfalls.

ciao
ben

2008...now what?

haha...i am running out of ideas on what to put as my title. maybe because i have so many things to blog, and my thoughts are so random. i can hardly put them in pieces as the conflict in me is raging mad..

maybe i shall begin with something sweet..hmm, terence's birthday. it's today, but we celebrated it last night. we had chinese..delicious. although i love to try various types of dishes, chinese food is still my fav (maybe because i've been having them for close to 23 years)..dinner ended with the traditional cake cutting and eating ritual..haha. it's so much fun looking at terence cutting the cake..weird emotions were sketched all over his face. oh, and must i mention, the cake was delicious... it was heavenly, and it all came from jenni's.. (haha, i chose it cos chris couldn't decide). the white chocolate is just.....so luxurious..
we continued with karaoke at midlands.. gosh, i haven't been to that place in ages, and now, it's really really shody. it was one of the best malls back when i was a teenager....(nvm that). anyway, we sang. i sang (without a proper voice). and we finally realised that jack is the best singer of the lot...haha.
midway, i went bowling. gosh, i haven't bowled in 3 years....and it was funny watching me starting all over again. my first two sets went into the gutter...(with style)..haha..but, all in all, it was a good night

here's a little on my new year's party.. as u may have read from my previous blog...i had fun. in fact, i believe i had more fun than the rest of us...what u guys didn't know, is that the person that night wasn't me..(at least i think). somehow or other, a new personality emergered that night. this person is so different from ben, and [Q]. it's so weird....he's wild, he's crazy, he's beautiful, he's a drinker, a thirsty blood hunter...and someone who did things he never dared all his life... in fact, he was basically flirting with everyone on the dance floor...and i am worried. i am worried that he will rise again,and consume me without me knowing it....and it's dangerous. i think i need to see a shrink..
anyhow, i'm partly to be blamed too...for i did select my outfit, did on some makeup..and had chocolates...

i promised to touch a little on the 'untouchable'. well, it's very simple. it's a person, u can see, u can interact, u can have fun, u can share...but u can never have it. it's untouchable because if u do touch it, then it'll break everything. it'll shatter ur life, ur friendship, ur social circle...everything. it's not unreachable, for it is already there...but i just can't touch it. besides, touching it will mean that i'm stealing it from another person...and it's so wrong. lastly, untouchable too cos it may not feel the same way that i do...so, there. truly untouchable. guess i'll just have to live my life from afar, watching it bloom, while i wither....it's hard for me, and the void really consumed my day..but what can i do..it's just untouchable. (confession: it did affect my yoga practise this afternoon, just thinking of the untouchable)....maybe that's why i'm so moody.

anyway, here are other thoughts that i have had for the week....

1) i am addicted to dance.. in fact, i am addicted to performing dance...not the jam type. those that conveys a story..those filled with emotions....
i keep on having the picture of a waltz on the dance floor...full of emotions...of love, hate, revenge, and lost.... and another scene..i'm dancing on the dance floor of a club, surrounded by ppl...me flirting around, when suddenly, i am left alone on the dance floor...torn and dejected...with no one to pick me up... (gosh, what is happening to me??)

2) somehow, i kinda understand the muse behind 'the little mermaid'. the h.c.anderson version (not disney). somehow, i feel like i am like the mermaid...finding someone i like/love...and when i found it, i have to sell my voice to the witch (my fears)...resulting in me never telling the person of my feelings....ultimately, i think i shall perform the final sacrifice...throw myself off board, ending my misery..and learn to bless other ppl's love life....

3) i am like a phoenix.. (hey, who said that my thoughts are sane??). i've suffered a horrible year..passing away into the shadows..and ultimately, into embers..but somehow, before the flame was snuffed out, i burst forth again...with more fire, more beautiful..and stronger..and having my hair looking like flames..haha

4) what the heck am i doing stuck in a wet lab feeding some fishes? why do i have to sacrifice my weekends, my holidays, my time, to do something that i didn't ask for. i understand that the zoology field is wide..but why is my workload twice of that from my peers?? i wonder

5) what will i do when i finish my degree?? will i continue my masters? or do i work?? what about doing something out of the ordinary, like modelling, or maybe become a full time instructor?? who will be by my side on my graduation day?? will i have a loved one there? or will i only be sharing that day with my friends and family??

6)will i ever find love? i kinda shut myself from love a long time ago. i tried to open up,but i don't think i ever will...and what am i looking? am i looking for a female? or a male? probably u'll think that i am crazy, but i don't mind being with someone of the same gender (as long as my parents don't kill me when they find out).

7)i've had this particular heartache for a few years now...and i never really could put it down. i thought i could upon christmas, but new year brought it back to me. somehow, the heartache peaked during the holiday season because i had more encounters with it...gosh, i must be sick. let's hope i can put it down, and start somewhere else. however, someday, i do hope that i will gain enough courage (and hopefully i'm drunk), to actually address my heartache...

ok, enough of my thoughts....i have to go off now..to get ready for a new day. although it'll be a routine day...i'm always hoping for something better. as i've mentioned previously, there's always hope left in pandora's box..

je t'aime
ben

hate this feeling...

christmas have come and gone..and still, what have i done? nothing much! so, how did i spend christmas?? hmm...christmas eve sucks..went for dinner in e-gate, then went to gurney to look at revellers. it was horrible as those rowdy revellers were spraying fake snow here and there.. eventually, we have to seek sanctuary in starbucks. spent about 2 hours in starbucks looking at the ppl around us...nothing interesting, ppl are just as boring...and the ah bengs and ah lians came out in full force..after midnight, we left to head to the torch, to meet up with the jam gang. at least that place is so much more better. the ppl there are more civilised, although i think mich and lav beg to differ....but i think i had better time there...

chirstmas, christmas....also the very moment of heartache.. this week is so hard for me...as i've fallen for an untouchable..it's against all cardinal rules of dating, but i still fell.. at least for the moment. i really hope that it will come to pass, as this feeling is really hard to bear. but why...do i have to fall for an untouchable?? the powers that be is really playing games with my life huh.....actually, i'm hoping that someone can actually give me a few slaps across the face to set me straight...untouchables are untouchable!!!

and the feast of epiphany came to early for me..12 days too early. it happened at the pub, like an hour after christmas. i had finally seen what i have to see.. and realise that certain things have to come to pass. i've been hurting myself for far too long..now, it's time to pass and change.....

christmas gifts....hmm, only one. but it's ok, as it is from my best buddies..it's a detachable hoodie with a low cut...although i wanted another piece, this one is just as good...

one thing that i hope to do before the new year...to cry. i think it's time to let down my defences, retreat to a corner, and really cry for the year. it's the most horrible year that i've been through in 22 years of my life. it didn't start with a bang (in fact, i was in my room, drinking to my sadness), accidents, deaths, pressure, stress, social circle... and finally, the emotional turmoil that i've been through. there's only 2 days left..so, i hope that i can finally set things right..

ok, enough of my ramblings...and yes, i think i may be suffering from holiday depression...
and finally, happy new year to all my readers...
je t'aime

x'mas cheer

it's christmas eve now. i know i haven't been blogging for a long time...so sorry for that. have been really really busy....nearing the point of physical and mental exhaustion. but thankfully, there are always ppl around me cheering me on, and keep me going

so,it's the time of the year now...where we contemplate on what we've done... and plan our next step. it's the time where ppl gather to celebrate the year that passed...and to welcome the coming one. it's also the time to remember the birth of a lord, a shepherd amongst ppl....but for me, it's the time when i hope to take a break...be surrounded by friends and family...and to rejoice..ah..x'mas

now, back to more personal things....finished my x'mas shopping...but the gifts are still lying around unwrapped. the worst part.. i'm now stuck in my lab, and will only be able to go home after 6. gosh... i must really take a break soon...

enough of my thoughts for now....will keep updating soon...ciao
merry x'mas and happy new year
je t'aime

rejoice

ah, the pleasure of finding something back is indescribeable. as bloggers may know, i kinda 'lost' my mp3 player. i was down and depressed for the past week. however, all is different now...it's back. in my arms again....gosh, the euphoria is really indescribeable...now, i just can't wait to upload more songs into my player.......

seated in starbucks now, on a tuesday evening... celebrating my joy. and also with mich and a drink that matches her shirt (brambleberry 'bandung'). it's amazing what u can do with the drinks from here. and also the lovely atmosphere that they evoke here. i just can't wait for christmas to come....

christmas is fast approaching, and my tree is still not up yet. it's still collecting dust atop the cupboard. mich's tree is already up...so soon. anyway, i plan to make mine blue this year. i think it's a really nice colour...

ok, enough of my ramblings while sipping my lovely mocha praline frapp. it may be this season's drink, but i strongly recommend the toffee nut frapp.. that is really really delicious.

ciao.
je t'aime