invisible man

seeing your recent update, i can't tell if i should feel happy or sad for you? and also, should i feel happy or sad for myself? i certainly do not know. however, i know that you will always be able to find someone more worthy than what you had before, and certainly that someone is not me. at this point in time, you still don't see me.

with the chinese new year round the corner, i really hope that you will be able to enjoy it as much as i do. for you will never know, i will still pray for your very wellbeing :)

love

Until the day...

Until the day when the Yellow River runs dry..
Until the day when the Swifts can no longer learn to fly..
Until the day when there is no more Brightness in the sky,
Only then, will there be closure in this sorry heart of mine.

- I don't know why, but you do inspire me in many different ways. You constantly bring out this person in me which i have suppressed so long. In a way, thank you.
Other than that, thanks for making me a sad, pathetic b***h, always wallowing in this filthy puddle of mud :)

For I Am

For in time of Adversity, misery and pain;
I am the Angel, shining through the rain.
For i Run the seven continents, scale the seven peaks;
Sail the seven Oceans, just to be at your side,
Through Night and day, never letting you out of sight.

For Hours to days, i am willing to give;
Fine Weather or neither, for as long as i live.
Armed with courage, passion and strength,
For i am the kNight that will rides,
Four corner of the Globe, to the far sides.

Yearning and learning that hope remained,
Eager to savour, the sweet soul that retained;
Never appeasing, my passions abstained.

Merry are those who believe, ever wanting to achieve;
Ivory and coal, ever willing to give.
Never taking, for the pure and the saints;
in God we trust, till this soul...remains.

For i am pure, and i am giving, for I am the lamb.
For i feed the hunger, the poor and the maimed.
For i seek not my happiness, but those around me to believe.
For i am pure, i am.. for i am LOVE

p.s.: this little piece was inspired after i posted a very random note on FB, wanting to believe:

: and i surrender myself to you, praying that you will finally answer my call and end my misery...for i sacrifice not for myself, but the good and benevolance that surrounds me.

it was followed with my own comment of: for i ask for none for myself, but for the happiness and joy experienced by others. for only when they are happy, will i considered my prayers heard and my sacrifice taken. for i am, but a soul, willing to die for the millions that will benefit from it. for i am the lamb, providing meat to help those who are hungry and poor.

after reading, and learning the cryptic message from my heart, it is apparent that you are still standing there, never wanting me to close. therefore, this little prose that i have written, is specially dedicated to you. hopefully one day, you will get to read it, and understand the heart that wrote it. let it be known that fear, grief and disappointment fills me at this time, but certainly, like the fate of pandora, i can only hope.

YOU.. 2011

well, isn't this an interesting situation. as much as i convince myself that i survived the year, there is an undeniable fact that you came into my life and shook my faith. there is no doubt that u made an impact, and yet you will never realise the affects of your actions/inactions. funny how i surrender my life to you, only to be reminded again and again that you don't know me. i am barely even there in your life, but i gave such a huge part of mine to you. it just begs the question of worth.. i learn, and yet i falter again and again. if only i had not meet you. if only i had not talked to you.. then, perhaps it would be better.

prior to the close of last year, i retraced the steps that i met you. the places that held us for a moment. but to my disappointment, there is nothing left of you there. in fact, you don't belong, and i should learn how to close you from my mind. if you had only known...

funny how you asked me (although you are drunk) if i still love fate A and fate B. as much as those fates do not belong to me, i love them as much as i love you. for you shall always be a part of me, a part where i'll be concerned, and a part that i will still care for. however, with the recent year, i learned to be selfish. i should be wasting my energy anymore to worry for you, nor my other two fates. for all of you are now mature and ready to take flight. most importantly, my concerns and worries are selfish and will not be appreciated.

and then, you raise a belief beyond doubt that i should find love, and let love find me too. i did found love. i understood the meaning of love, and the even greater meaning of letting go, as part of love. i guess there comes a point in time where the greatest love prevails, allowing for me to love all of you unconditionally, instead of a selfish love.

you said i am making progress by being myself. at least, i learnt how to pick up pieces of my life and make good. i am confident of myself, and am sure of what i want. but is this true? are your observations accurate? is it because of our long separation that you no longer know me best? nevertheless, i am thankful for you, always hearing me out.

and finally, you. you took ONE tear away from me last night. that was all that i could muster. the sorrow is just too deep that it can no longer be expressed at this level. i will promise myself to be strong, and hopefully to get better rest tonight. and i guess that tear was a good warning, and here is me wishing u a happy 'relationship', iphone or not.. i may not know the entire truth, but i guess my observations and hunches may be right sometimes. even if it is not right, i am satisfied having to love you once, without you knowing or not..

the end of 2010

it's been a while since i last posted something up on this blog. i have to admit, i did become lazy. but apart from that, there is nothing much worth sharing, or i feel would matter to people anymore. now, don't get me wrong. i still get my ups and downs for the past few months, but i guess i just couldn't find the heart to put it all in words.

here's a recap for future reference:

1. work sucks. as much as people think that my work involves sitting in front of the computer and idling my time on facebook, that is not the truth. i face my own trials and tribulations that i can't seem to share with anyone. working in a place whereby politics is taken to the extreme is not satisfying. the situation worsens when the pay is not enough to sustain my lifestyle and support my future. the final straw: i'm starting to lose my job satisfaction. however, come 2011, i have resolved to settle all this once and for all. i am returning to uni to continue my post-graduate studies.. hopefully for my PhD.

2. gym. i've worked my ass for things to happen. sadly, things won't happen just the way that i want. i can't seem to get the body that i want. worst still, i am aging drastically, and it won't be long before i lose everything. will i able to achieve it? as much as my mind wants it, i don't think my body is able to take it anymore. in fact, i am suffering from fatigue...

3. passion. in delivering my job as an instructor, i try to do it with as much passion as i could. i prepare my best, perform my best, and deliver my best. but, will people ever realise that? with class numbers dropping, it will be a matter of time before i become irrelevant, and obsolete. so, what is the point of me continuing? coupled with other factors such as politics and ego, being an instructor is not that sweet after all..

4. friends. i am lucky to have them. it is amazing how small gestures shown by some people managed to warm the heart. i don't expect much (because everything always never meet my expectations), but i am certainly grateful for the blessed souls that surrounds me. christmas just passed by, but blessed are the souls that shared their love with me.

5. limerence. it's been a while. i have learnt to let go on one. sadly, i am stupid just to fall for another. worst still, you don't even know that i exists. i have given up on love a long long time ago, and yet, you managed to shatter the inner core of my heart, bringing back that spark. but i have to say, that spark is slowly dying off again. i know that deep down, i can never have you. i guess i am still blessed to be able to love you and see you love others.

6. kindness. life has been kind to me. although 2010 wasn't a piece of cake, i still managed to walk out of it with some sweetness in my heart. there are memories that are really worth keeping, and bitter experiences that i shall learn from. but most importantly, i managed to walk out of it as pure as the lotus that emerges from the muddy lake.

what is in store for 2011, i don't know. i don't wanna unravel the future, and allow it to consume me. i understand that there is still hope left, and my only hope is to survive it as happily as i can be. i have never pictured myself going beyond the 25th year of my life, hence it is unchartered territory for me for the coming year. let's hope i survive it, and manage to enjoy most of it.

resolutions, i don't make any. as usual, carpe diem.. just let it be

Was never you

If there was anything good that God created, it was you.
Yet, as I already knew, good things never happen to me,
Hence was never you.
You lifted me in spirits when times were good, unknowingly.
Yet you shattered me when times were bad, unknowingly.
And still, it was never you.
You showed me all those truths,
and together, all those lies
all those memorable moments,
and those, i have yet to forget.
And still, it was never you.
Now that you're gone,
I still feel that you're near.
Ever I long for,
and ever i Fear.
And still, 'twas never you.
Seeing you happy, i'm glad you were there
Seeing you sad, i yearn to be there.
but, nevertheless
it was never you..

To those who are experiencing a broken heart, this is for YOU.

ciao

the last airbender

finally, after all the hype and anticipation, the film failed to live up to its expectation. probably i was expecting a little too much.. but still, when i first saw the trailer, i told myself that this is a must watch. however, after watching this film, i am not sure if i will wanna catch book 2 and book 3 or not. i do love the cartoons, and i do think it is amazing, but it failed to translate properly to film. seriously, m.night, go back to where you belong, and leave major blockbusters alone. and the cast.. gosh!! do something!!

looks like my blog is slowly turning into a monthly update, instead of an outlet for me to channel my thoughts and emotions. sometimes, i get so conflicted inside that i don't know where to start. hence, the stagnation. other times, i just feel so tired about everything and don't really wanna blog about anything anymore. actually, i am feeling very very tired now. all, physically, mentally and emotionally. i need a break to get away from all these problems, baggage.. again.

it's now more than a month since i last accepted my new job. this is on top and above my current job. besides that, i am also so actively engaged in rectifying the faults in the gardens that i realised that i have no time for myself anymore. there are just so many things to do.. and the worst part, i cannot save the world. it is not in my powers to save the world. even if i had, the world is not worth to be saved (but then again, that is another story altogether). i do hope that certain things can change, and there are things that i can be proud of eventually. but i do question myself. where do i move from here. i really need to move on, and get away from all these things.

what i thought i have left behind comes back and haunt me once in a while. the powers that be sure has a funny way of reminding me of certain things. and there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed or broken. yes. i see the truth. there are times when i wonder if it is a boon or a bane to be able to see so much, but in this case, it is a boon. it is good for prevention.

i do realise that my defense mechanism is rather weak when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart and the mind. i'd realise that i prefer to walk away, or just turn away, rather than confronting the problem and addressing the issue. and the only thing i do best, is to blame myself for what has happened. seriously, i think i need to change this..but then again, it is virtually impossible to change this as it's been ingrained in me for so long.

alright, gonna keep learning to move on now, and also move to the bed.
ciao

3am,1107

it's been a while since i last posted anything here. not that i have abandoned the blog, but i guess i was running dry, and sometimes, i just don't feel like writing anything here at all. I guess tonight's a little different, as i am watching the third place play-off for the fifa world cup. am rooting for germany, but their performance in the last match (and this match) has been quite dismal.

watching footie, you say. so not me. but yea, every once in four years, I will gather some energy to join in the fun and watch the world cup. it is quite intesting to watch the teams play, and how they perform, as a team, and as a individual. it's not easy to bring together 11 people from different clubs, put them together, and expect them to fight as one. probably can be reflected on life too..but i guess when the banner is strong enough, the spirit will be then.

a little thing about the game this time around. isn't it a little funny that an octopus is also sharing so much limelight? haha. yup. octopus paul. although i did post up my intention to fry it, i maintain that the octopus is innocent, and doesn't determine the outcome of the game. i guess it was a convenient excuse, especially when we deal with losses. again, same can be seen for other normal events of our lives. we will tend to seek a convinient scapegoat to make our mistakes and losses more bearable.

the few weeks have been pretty hectic, and i expect the same to happen for the next four months. working for two organizations is pretty hard to juggle with, and will use more of my time as compared to normal. but i guess i cannot complaint. i shall only make a change when some things are in place. i can't wait, and yet i am not prepared.

had a short period to reflect on my jeykell and hyde traits again this afternoon, right after emceeing for the book launch of The Sara Saga and Hail,Penang!. i know i am comfortable appearing on stage, and can speak pretty well. but there is another part of me that questions my comfort of stepping into the limelight. i guess this question will never be answered.

enough of blabbering for a while. will continue to fill my life with more exciting things, and learn to enjoy the moment. after all, i continue to learn, to live and let die.

baby steps

the path is set. from now on, there is no turning back. it shall be the way, and i will make my baby steps towards the ultimate jump. there is no more caution, no more pretense, and no more play, for i have already made up my mind. moving forward, and moving far, that is the way to go.

ever wondered how it felt to stretch yourself to the max? it is amazing. the thrill, the drama and the emotions that can make or break any minute, any second.. am loving it. well, it shall not be the end of it.

crystals are beautiful, and they have another function too. probably i should be thankful that i finally dug out the crystal hidden in my closet for so long, and now, it is really aiding me in my life. i can finally understand, and then, take the most appropriate action.

will try to blog more, but there are no more guarantees now. taking life as it is, and living like i'm dying

rainbow 10

may 28th. i guess i shall now remember this day for quite a while. it was wesak day, and also, the start of my 'rainbow' tour to KL. it was the start, of something new. something that i had always wanted to try, and now that i've experienced it, i guess i am sure what i want even more. may 28th. however, it was pity that you didn't leave a name, and a number. but i have to say, thank god for bars that make long island teas... they sure know how to put in those maraschino cherries.. and they do wonders.

still on the rainbow tour, i finally saw the truth. i saw the crux of the matter, and i am adamant that i will not get involve in the whole mess. i cannot afford to be in the mess, as i am a wreck, and i have baggage. it is better that i become the escapade, rather than part of the mess. fun is all i need right now.

moved out of the stone age. finally got myself a new phone. probably it was a blessing in disguise, for if i had not lost the old one, i wouldn't have made such drastic changes. out with the old, and in with the new, they say. this couldn't be more true. i appreciate those who have been there in the past, but it is time to empty the closet and make room for new beginnings.

i am ready to try again. but you will have to accept me with all my baggage.

ciao