crossroads

again, i find myself confunded by hecate's schemes. i am standing at the crossroads again, wondering what to do. which path should i take, and which journey will be the best for me. i know for certain that all of them will eventually lead me to the realm of hades, but i certainly want to take the road that is least painful and least hurtful.

a month. apart from the first time, there is nothing left. probably lust works stongest when you first meet. it will eventually die off, leaving you nothing but a sad memory. although we've been out together so many times, i fail to notice my retaining power. i fail to see how am i going to maintain you. i know that money is certainly buying your love now, but where do we go when the money ends. am i, but just a fool??

i have to keep on being something that i am not, just to ensure that you will be happy. just to ensure that you will be with me. but is this worth it?? will i never get to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore? or will i never get to admire myself anymore?? i always wonder about the end of the day. well, i guess i should be wondering so much, consider the day has already ended when we meet.

learning to let go. probably i should do so when i still love you. they say, short term pain is much better than a prolonged pain. probably we should just break it off when the time is still favourable. but how do i bring myself to tell this to you? i don't wanna lose a friend. but i don't wanna lose my senses and my life.

hair. eyes. arms. body. leg. hair. torso

there is nothing that i can do now but humbly surrender myself to the will of the powers that be. i guess i am ready to take the challenge. i am, but a small piece of rook in this ever big game of chess..

ciao

i am not happy

i think it is kinda rare to find me putting my emotions on my heading. but i guess now, why hide? yea. i am not happy. and i am not ashamed to admit it. i have never been truly happy, and things are certainly not looking any brighter now.

turning 26.. guess what, it was one of the lousiest birthday of my life. every year, it gets worst. perhaps i am expecting a little more. perhaps there shouldn't be a compromise. but things turned totally against me, despite the attempts of friends to make it work for me. i guess my desire for surprise did come true. just that it wasn't a very pleasant surprise. however, there is no one that i could blame, for it is only me wanting everything to be better.

i am not happy on my chances (or lack of) in getting one of the most coveted scholarships in malaysia. it was a risk that i dared for, but it has fallen out of my favour. probably i am expecting a little too much. again, it is just me, and my perceptions. however, i didn't give up, as i did go for another attempt somewhere else. heck, if m'sia doesn't want me, perhaps somewhere else would want me..

i am not happy with work. in fact, i haven't done much over the couple of days, as i prefer to idle my time on other matters such as the queen's coronation (which by the way, is the most spectacular thing that i have ever witnessed). i understand the lack of motivation as a sub-expression of my emotional control, but the working environment is not exactly conducive for me, nor motivating for me to strive further.

emotions. they tend to overwhelm me. again, i was brought to realise that i expect a little more, and the present situation is not as desired. hence, i am not happy. if only things could change. if only i don't have to waste that much time, energy and financial resources. probably i should just take a step back and revert to my original self, and atone for my sins.

i am not happy. i have sinned, and i don't know how to atone for it. i shouldn't have loved at the first place, and i shouldn't have harboured love. love, passion and desires are sins that are consuming me. bringing me closer to the flames of hell. if only i know of redemption.

ciao

my last day...

ok, the title did come off a little dramatic. no worries, i am not ending my life. just reminiscing some of the happenings of my 25th year of existence. after that, am starting again at 26, and i do wonder what is in store for me...

25. the year of taking risks. one too many risks, and one too many mistakes. i never expected it to be that way, and all the hurt and pain was too great to bear. but i think i must move on. but then, i also do wonder, why isn't the powers that be allowing me to move on. i hate all those tricks that you are playing on me. i'm starting to take baby steps and you put a whole freaking stumbling block in front of me. are you trying to tell me that i am going into a pithole again? will i ever see the sunshine? or will i forever be trapped in this darkness..

gaga says: everyone is beautiful in their own way cos God makes no mistakes.
i say: Gaga is wrong. God's only mistake is me.. but no worries, his mistake will not last long.

purity is, but the past now, as i write. although i don't regret it, i will also not deny the conflict deep within. will i fail to walk the paths of the enlightened?

is a house really a home without love? denied in the song, i am starting to feel the same here. what are my options? how do i leave? will i be able to pack up, and just walk out of this place, leaving this misery forever? will i be able to support myself to walk away, and to never look back. i want tabula rasa. but is tabula rasa even available? can i severe all relations, all ties, all friends, and all family.. to start anew?

let's hope there are some new developments for my 26th year. like i've mentioned before, i only saw myself living up to 25. i don't even see anything between 26 to 30..or even beyond that.

lastly, i can't help but to feel as if i'm walking onto this huge wall. i gave my all. ditch my ego, dropped my defences, and lay down my weapons. and what do i get in return? walls and walls. probably by the end of the day, i wil end up rebuilding my freaking fort, with a shattered core. all over again. is it worth it? i don't know

[i see you both side by side on FB chat!! WTF!!]

happy jar (my first 26th birthday gift). but will i be happy?? haha. anyway, thanks for the thought. i do agree, it's not simple to buy things for me. but i wasn't expecting anything anyway. all i wanted was just good company. precious friends that will be there, one way or another, for me.

friends.

just friends.

(B)e (I)n (T)otal (C)ontrol of (H)im [saw this on a printed tee.. kinda cute, but i just don't dig printed tees]

argh!! i still freaking see you....

anyway, i guess that's all i have for tonight. may want to post something just before i turn 26.. probably, if the conditions permit

ciao

motions

i guess i can never stop feeling the fatigue and the lethargy that life has bestowed upon me. everything seems to be changing so fast. the pace is so rapid that sometimes, i am left behind the chase. seriously. should i even be chasing the change? or just ignore it and remain status quo? sadly, life is not an island, where change can be resisted, or just drowned with the water. tell me how am i to cope..

a friend is finally gone. as my friends suggested, i guess i should acknowledge the feeling. yes, i did love. and i am happy that i did, for now, i carry this love with me knowing that this person is happier at the new place. it may be hard, but i have learnt to wish happiness and joy to this person, for that is the power of love.

but then again, what about myself. am i moving in the right direction? is it love of lust that is driving me? how much and how long can i go? is it even the right choice? or is it a choice of desperation? i can see that things are good, but am i even ready to make such changes in my life?

nevertheless, some things did have change. i guess i am happy that it all happened when i'm still 25, and 25 is certainly a wonderful year. but is it for real? it was certainly, and i did take the extreme chance. doing things beyond my norm. but am i going too fast? too far? to extreme? i don't know. what i do know is someone is proud of me that i am growing up. but am i certain that i've grown??

i don't believe in god. but at this point, i just need more strength from whoever and whatever, to help me move on with life. i admit that i am fragile, hence i need all the support that is available. will you support me?

ciao

the social butterfly

the social butterfly, fluttering from one table to one table, exchanging greetings, sharing a toast, bursting with laughter and smiles... but deep down, there lies a bigger lie. the social butterfly is not happy. the social butterfly is nearing death. if only the social butterfly can pick itself up, and fly towards the flame, allowing it to be consumed, and reduced to ashes and dust.. if only it had.

sick. fatigue. lethargy. probably these words can best descibe me now, and in fact, most of the time. i am so sick of this thing called life, as it is leading me no where. where are the ups? and where are the downs? and how do we differentiate it? probably for an introvert like me, the up periods should be those when i am alone, reeling in my own energy. if that's the case, then why ain't i happy?

fatigue. my body is telling me that i should be wasting it that much. i should learn how to take care of it. but am i listening? do i want to listen? and can i afford to listen? everyone desires for some achievement in a certain period of time. milestones, they call it. it is now the 3rd of April. exactly a month until i turn 26. but what are my milestones, and have i achieve what i've set out to get? did i manage to change my life? nothing. instead, all i have is this whole sense of fatigue, making me wish that i can lie on the bed for a long long time without waking or moving. eternel sleep, how i wish it can come to me.

lethargy. my mind is fried. my emotions are burnt, and my strength is spent. i've tried stepping out of my comfort zone, taking the various chances. all i get are just rejections, one after another. probably it is time that i call it quits, and set forth to renounce what i've got. probably a solitary life, devoid of temptations and mundane influences, is what i need to attain inner peace.

ever so often, i have to be the caring one. the one, where his shoulders are ready to support the burdens of the world. the one, where i open the door, allow you in, pamper you, shower you with attention and love. the one that is everything but all that i set out to be. when will i ever get to lie on someone's shoulder, pouring my heart out to it? when will someone hold the door, or tell me that it'll be there waiting for me? when will the person be able to take me into its arms, without caring about my looks, my skin, my colour, my religion, and my wallet. there is still a part of me that hopes for that to happen, but as i have always thought, and maintain, good things do not happen to me.

waiting for the end to come.

if only there's someone who is willing to buy me a bottle of ice cold beer..

mirror mirror

sometimes, i do like to sit back and wonder.. why am i doing all these. what is the worth of doing all these stuff, when all i get to be is just a wallflower. i mean, come on.. i spend money trying to look better, go for facials, i dress fine, i study hard... and yet, what do i get?? a lifetime of loneliness and despair? or a mockery of my life.

i understand the need to be comfortable in my own skin. but what if my skin is not what i desire?? my greatest weakness is very apparent, and i don't deny it. in fact, i have never liked the skin that i am in, and have tried so very hard to change it, mask it and all.. and yet, when it is down to the bare essentials, it is still my skin that matters.. when will we be able to rise above and see beyond the skin?

they say that smart women find it hard to have boyfriends. does it apply for men too? i am not sure, but given my conditions, i do feel like i'm stuck in the situation. a perfectly decent conversation goes un-noticed, ignored. so, is knowledge a boon or a bane?

a look in the mirror reveals the age, the weariness, the lethargy. am i able to sustain and move on with life? or shall i call it quits? if yes, how do i quit? show me a way...

ciao

[update 23:23hrs] again, i know that i have the ability to scare someone off forever.. haha. i guess this is the so called superpower huh. to the last good man on earth, stay strong and healthy..we love you!!

[update 00:30hrs] i will want to catch you when you fall, and you are certainly worthy of it. however, i know that there will be other angels lining up nearby, spreading their wings to protect you. i shall take leave with my mortal frame, wishing you the best

blind

i guess this post is long overdue. although i did want to write something here, i can never muster the courage, the time or the strength to write my thoughts here. i have the weird sense of insecurity, and i guess it is harming me in more ways than ever.

i guess i've finally learnt how to let you go. i am no longer obsessed with you. in fact, you have faded so seamlessly that i don't remember where, when or how. it was never a doubt that the moments i had with you (although very brief) were beautiful. just like you, simply beautiful. however, i don't think that i will stop loving you, hence i will love you forever.

to you,thank you for allowing me to have those wonderful moments together. 3 years, and now, we are moving on. i wish you joy, happiness, and above all things, love. i know you will be better when you are gone. and that is why, i promise myself that i shall not miss you that often. again, i was blind at that moment, but my blindness will not stop me from loving you forever.

explorations. they don't work. they will never work, and i am just a natural human repellant. a few conversations, and i never hear from you again. a few sms-es, a phone call, and no more news from you. a few lines, and then, you're gone. thank you then, i say, for showing me the way. thank you also, i say, for making me realise that it is only but a short lived dream.

i don't know what are my chances anymore, but i think i am too tired to continue on. i don't wanna take it anymore, and i have had enough of this shit. if only things could work out easier for me, then i wouldn't have to be in this dilemma so often.

i only smile when i want to. i also have the 'you don't look important for me to smile at you' look (so says my friend), which i think is pretty true. so, i guess it is fate, and i shall learn to accept it. come what may, i say. come what may.

i am so blind i guess i will never see the light. i should learn to refocus. at this moment, i am already dumping a lot of my attachments, and moving on to a higher level of realisation. i hope that i do not falter in this quest, to reinvent a new me. i guess you can call it the final stage of Marslow's heirarchy of needs. i am now going for spiritual development, and i think it is for the best.

wish me luck.

anyway, the only interesting thing that happened was that i was in Japan again, to attend the conference. as usual, it is cold, and it snowed, but i loved it to bits. however, my prayers to all those affected by the tsunami and the earthquake. i do wish that i can go there and help all i can, but i guess it is not forthcoming.

have a pleasant evening.

dates

i can't really remember the first time i met you, which i think it was the gym. i think it was bodypump, and some friends commented on u wanting to hold on to ur space. nevertheless, that didn't register much as compared to the first time i met you outside.

i remember the dim sum place, as it is my favourite joint. u were seated at the next table, with ur mum, while i was having my dim sum. i still remember u loving those egg tarts, cos i couldn't get my hands on anymore. it was just before mid autumn festival, and in all the reflected colours of the lanterns, u looked radiant. somehow, i never thought that you could remember that occassion.

october: if it wasn't for the clubbing, and my friend being a friend of yours, i wouldn't have gotten to know u. as if fate had its way, ppl were trying to shove me closer to you. yet, i was afraid. i didn't know you then. however, u remembered bout meeting me during dim sum, and i totally blew it, cos i remembered clearly that day. however, i was being such a jerk at that moment.. one toast, and then u said goodbye. i longed to see you again after that.

october: a few days after. fate has a funny way of playing games. of all the people to walk into while going into the locker room, it was you. and why that time? why that moment? and why you? why had i got to go in, without realising that you were coming out. but aside from the formal apologies, we had nothing to say.. i was rushing. i saw u waiting outside, but sadly, it was not for me...

november: 7th. to see you workout in gym, it was a pleasure. however, i cannot show myself, not muster the courage to approach you. even worst was when i was wearing a huge shirt that shouts: kiddy.

november/december: you were in the papers. i saw. thousands of others saw. you were at the funeral. u saw me, but not the other way round. an impulsive message brought good response, but it terminated at your end. i should have seen the signs. eventually, i had to pass all my festive occassions alone.

january: crazily, i sent you another message on FB. u replied, to my surprise. u looked all bright and sunny. but that was when i found out that you will be leaving the gym. i guess, i should have learn by now to let go.

feb: i tot i could, but obviously, it didn't happen. seeing you on chinese new year's night totally killed everything. for i see you, but u don't see me. u were happy, and i feel like trash.

at this juncture, i am a packet of nerves, and emotions. i really want to pour my heart out, but i can't. there are many other ppl out there who are relying on me for support. but as expressed by a close friend, who is my support then? where are my crutches when i am down and out. i guess, this is the price to pay to be me. i really hope that the tears would flow, and rid me of a lot of misery.. but it will never happen. i will continue to have false hopes, never realising that the only person suffering is me. you will not see all these, so, am i actually fading in vain?

where is my sanity when i need it? where is my courage when i need it the most? should i let you go? or will i ever know what is there for me?

i guess time will eventually help me out, but as for now, i surrender my life and soul to the booze that will grant me partial distortion from this cruel reality called life.

why, CNY 2011

what does it take for me to move along. why is it that you have to be there when i am least expecting, ruining my night in an instant. why is it that i can see you, but u can never see me? why is it that you can be so happy, while i stuck here now with my heart on my sleeve? and why can't you be more direct, and give me an indication, instead of messing me up with all these stupid signs. i have had enough. and yet, why can't i let go of you

invisible man

seeing your recent update, i can't tell if i should feel happy or sad for you? and also, should i feel happy or sad for myself? i certainly do not know. however, i know that you will always be able to find someone more worthy than what you had before, and certainly that someone is not me. at this point in time, you still don't see me.

with the chinese new year round the corner, i really hope that you will be able to enjoy it as much as i do. for you will never know, i will still pray for your very wellbeing :)

love