leaving

i think it doesn't matter anymore. even if it did, i will not let it have the best of me. i will soldier on, with or without your blessings, and i know i can make it through. after all, it is not the first, and neither is it the last. deep down, i'd wish that it would have been, but fact remains, it didn't. so be it, for i just want to be happy.

this time around, i really hoped that none will know, until i reach my destination. it wasn't really for the surprise element, but just that i don't wanna make a big deal out of it. after all, it is for business, and so what. no one will realise that i am gone, for none knows or remember my existance anymore.

it lingered, longer than a moment that it should. it was good to have it back, but equally bad to have it back. don't worry, as it will not move on. things and circumstances have changed so much that i don't even feel the warmth anymore. strangely, the figurative ice is starting to make literal sense.

i had the opportunity to take on certain task that was beyond my imagination years ago. and this time, i guess i was lucky or fated to see and feel the atmosphere that was needed. aided by samaritans, and being lucky (in a way), it gave me a good chance to be closer to an ancient power. if only it could last a little longer. am hoping that i'll be wiser in the near future.

having caught two movies back to back in the past few hours, i have to say, i did learn some really important things. again, i guess i am the only person that looks beyond a movie to comprehend the message. sometimes, i do wonder if it is worth it. probably i should be a dense head and just watch, laugh and leave. but why do i have to see it, read between the lines, and learn it? in any case, dreams are important,and sometimes, big things do happen if you don't stop dreaming.

i want to dream, but can i afford this dream?

i wish you well.

i learn, and will not stop learning.

goodbye and goodnight.

blog will be on hold while i'm in Japan for a few days.
will probably update it there, but if not, cheers

ciao

err.. huh?

i HAVE to learn how to walk away. i HAVE to learn how to NOT see things anymore, NOT hear things anymore, and NOT say things anymore. again, i WILL not falter... haha. in fact, i think i'm stronger..

baby loves to dance in the dark.... so i just wanna dance in the dark...

in a way, i'm happy that it is over. and am also looking forwards to the days ahead. my presence/absence makes no difference. shades of grey that i see, blinds the path ahead. wonders in the clouds, losers never pout...

ciao

dance in the dark

amazingly, having about 3 pure shots of bacardi apple in my system now is not impending my judgements, and my evaluation now. in fact, i can even see clearer the things to come, and things that might be happening.

i've also come to terms with the situation, and realised that it can no longer be the same. things have got to change, and i have to take the first step. be it that i have taken small steps all these while, but a giant leap is needed to take it further.

standing on the dance floor, with lights shining by, and music pulsing through my veins... it was virtually impossible to get me to dance. what have gone missing, you may ask.. and i would say, myself. in fact, the person that was supposed to be myself have died in that crash, and this is just a substitute.. keen on taking it differently.

when all things have come and passed, only emptiness remains. when this is the sorry fact, then i guess my path towards it remains true.

however, in the words of gaga.. i just wanna dance in the dark..:)

ciao

if, and only if

a week has passed since my last proper blogpost here. don't be mistaken, the gaga post did mean something, but i guess, there's more than that.
first week of january has come and gone. entering the second week, with more things on my plate. i have to admit, being fully dedicated to work has its downs, but then, what better way to erase pain than to add more pain to it?

i did realise what was going on, and i saw. i have to say, every once in a while, i do feel like slapping the man in the mirror. and i keep on asking why.. but i guess, i just don't wanna know the answer anymore. everything has come to passed. things will be better from this point on.

found a very interesting read. desmond morris's peoplewatching. it's a book on sociobiology, observing the human animal from a biological point of view. very interesting read, elaborating on various concepts of human actions. in fact, i did have the thinking of sociobiology before i was introduced to the book, and i do hope that i can learn something from it. however, there isn't an opportunity here for me to pursue this subject.

if, and only if.

regards

'if you could walk amongst kings, and yet not loose the common touch'- Kipling,R

gaga gaga

i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me.
baby, there's no other superstar, you know that i'll be......
promise i'll be kind, but i won't stop until the boy is mine.
baby, you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me

if only

if, and only if.
hencefort, never is, and never will be
i know and yet i don't know
i learn and yet i falter.

Post 1/2010: Post 260

from the title, i think it is apparent that i have nothing much to say. i guess i have nothing left, but to embrace the new year with new hopes and new beginnings. probably it was apt for me to take these couple of weeks off, and found time to heal myself, both physically and mentally. although i'm still working my way to recovery, i'm still damage, and there is nothing much that i can do about that fact.

2010, and i've just realised that it's been one year already. 365 days have passed since that night. you may not know how significant it was, but i guess you'll never know. i guess, moving down the months, i will learn even further, to live with and in pain. but then, i will also learn how to heal.. amen

celebrations were low key this time, and i am quite glad that things worked out fine today. i've learnt that i've got a greater mission to do, which is to help the people, and the state, and must learn how to put this greater interest ahead of my petty problems. i may not be a saint, but i will not let personal interest get in the way. people first...

i've done what i have to do, said what i have to say, and learnt what i have to learn. where do i go from here, only time will tell. until then...

auld lang syne

ciao

absence

the absence of activity comes from a new epiphany. i guess i should have seen this earlier, but it is never to late to realise the truth.

let this blog be a reminder rather than a story. let this post remind me, for the future. at anytime you read this, think again, and try to remember what brought you to this path. the road that you have taken, think back, and remember. promise yourself, that you can't look back. instead, be wiser, and learn to choose better.

the human heart is a very complex thing. physiologically, it's only a muscle. however, there's more to that socially. however, i don't really wanna comprehend the secrets that lie within. all i ask, is just for you to be strong, and listen to the sound judgement. for you can be strength, for you can be weakness... learn.

emotions are but a matter of perception. people see what you want them to see.. so, show them what they want. life is only but a masquerade. wear the masque well, and you will go far. take it off, and you'll be eliminated. so, when you read this again. remember.

that's all i have for the moment.

ciao

drunk

so, i finally figured out where the problem was. it wasn't with anyone else, it wasn't with anything else. but the root of everything was me. myself. the very person who caused so much distress in my life is myself. if i had not let it fester, it wouldn't have happened. if it wasn't my stubborness, and my inability to control myself, it wouldn't happen. it it wasn't for my failure, then i wouldn't have caused myself that much hurt and pain.

probably it really take me quite a while to realise it, and probably i have realised it, but i fail to take it to heart. i failed to bring myself to accept the fact, in which i should have done so earlier. gosh, i failed in my practise. all because of the stupid thought that i could. probably i should really look in the mirror and re-evaluate myself. the monster that stares back needs to be taught a lesson in life, and move on to continue being the monster...

i finally got what i wanted, and a little bit more. managed to get myself dead drunk last friday, and then, for that added effect, and accident. the amazing part of driving into someone's porch (and through its hedge), is that it will sober up a person immediately (albeit temporarily). i do wonder what was i thinking. but then, i did get dead drunk, and finally threw up. oh, the feeling.. it's so painful that i like it....

to think that i actually could have been dead twice in the same day, and yet managed to walk out alive and unharmed... probably i have my guardian angels to thank (as someone put it). but then, deep down... somewhere very deep down in my heart, there is also a part that wished that i was dead, and everything would be ok.. i guess that subconscious thinking actually blurred me and led to my accident... and now, oh, how i wish i am a has been....

the funny part about growing up is.. when you fail to perform, u do hope someone will lecture you. scold u, or reprimand you.. but my parents are not doing this to me over this incident. in fact, dad was supporting me to go out to socialise and not coop myself up.. but reality is, i do admit, i am suffering from mild post-traumatic stress disorder. i have learnt it, and am suffering from it. will try to get through it, but i guess it will take some time...

although i have told myself to move on, i couldn't find myself a direction anymore. in fact, this morning, i was in a total loss of what to do. i don't even know how to go on with life, and all i am doing now, is just living it from day to day.. i think i need to seek professional help..

enough of my crazy stories. still need to find some time for myself, and learn how to live again. however, i don't think i can break away from self guilt, disappointment and self resent anymore. only time will muffle these wounds, for they can never be healed...NEVER

ciao

scrooge

watching x'mas carol reminded me quite a number of things. i can't say if they are right choices, but then, there are things to be learnt.
1. firstly, why do we celebrate x'mas? isn't it like another day to rob us?
2. why peace on earth and goodwill on men, when there is no peace in the heart of the person wishing so.
3. i realised that scrooge in disney's version is so so so mild, and so toned down. if only we had a darker version of scrooge.
4. and speaking of which, i guess he's my latest idol, then. cold, dry and sad (at least before the visitations)

had a convenient conversation with someone recently, and it seems like she'd just believe what i would say. is it really that in my face? am i that trust-worthy? or trust-able? i don't wanna be.

another conversation with another person made me realise that we are wanting the same thing.. that is to hope that someone is actually dreaming about our lifes, and just wake up. it is unbearable, and if only this is all just a dream..

i wish i could turn back time, to 3 years ago, when i first stepped through that door. i wished i could stop myself from entering, and sparing myself from all these. who would have thought, that the road leading down till now is filled with traps and thorns...

isn't it amazing that the one most peaceful place on earth, would be the office on a public holiday. i am getting the angina now.. hopefully will further the stimulation, to let it all out.

miracles, romances, passions, and wishful thinking... i think i should banish all this into the bin from now on. i know that it'll never happen, so why am i lingering?

ok, back to work now

ciao