the end of 2010

it's been a while since i last posted something up on this blog. i have to admit, i did become lazy. but apart from that, there is nothing much worth sharing, or i feel would matter to people anymore. now, don't get me wrong. i still get my ups and downs for the past few months, but i guess i just couldn't find the heart to put it all in words.

here's a recap for future reference:

1. work sucks. as much as people think that my work involves sitting in front of the computer and idling my time on facebook, that is not the truth. i face my own trials and tribulations that i can't seem to share with anyone. working in a place whereby politics is taken to the extreme is not satisfying. the situation worsens when the pay is not enough to sustain my lifestyle and support my future. the final straw: i'm starting to lose my job satisfaction. however, come 2011, i have resolved to settle all this once and for all. i am returning to uni to continue my post-graduate studies.. hopefully for my PhD.

2. gym. i've worked my ass for things to happen. sadly, things won't happen just the way that i want. i can't seem to get the body that i want. worst still, i am aging drastically, and it won't be long before i lose everything. will i able to achieve it? as much as my mind wants it, i don't think my body is able to take it anymore. in fact, i am suffering from fatigue...

3. passion. in delivering my job as an instructor, i try to do it with as much passion as i could. i prepare my best, perform my best, and deliver my best. but, will people ever realise that? with class numbers dropping, it will be a matter of time before i become irrelevant, and obsolete. so, what is the point of me continuing? coupled with other factors such as politics and ego, being an instructor is not that sweet after all..

4. friends. i am lucky to have them. it is amazing how small gestures shown by some people managed to warm the heart. i don't expect much (because everything always never meet my expectations), but i am certainly grateful for the blessed souls that surrounds me. christmas just passed by, but blessed are the souls that shared their love with me.

5. limerence. it's been a while. i have learnt to let go on one. sadly, i am stupid just to fall for another. worst still, you don't even know that i exists. i have given up on love a long long time ago, and yet, you managed to shatter the inner core of my heart, bringing back that spark. but i have to say, that spark is slowly dying off again. i know that deep down, i can never have you. i guess i am still blessed to be able to love you and see you love others.

6. kindness. life has been kind to me. although 2010 wasn't a piece of cake, i still managed to walk out of it with some sweetness in my heart. there are memories that are really worth keeping, and bitter experiences that i shall learn from. but most importantly, i managed to walk out of it as pure as the lotus that emerges from the muddy lake.

what is in store for 2011, i don't know. i don't wanna unravel the future, and allow it to consume me. i understand that there is still hope left, and my only hope is to survive it as happily as i can be. i have never pictured myself going beyond the 25th year of my life, hence it is unchartered territory for me for the coming year. let's hope i survive it, and manage to enjoy most of it.

resolutions, i don't make any. as usual, carpe diem.. just let it be

Was never you

If there was anything good that God created, it was you.
Yet, as I already knew, good things never happen to me,
Hence was never you.
You lifted me in spirits when times were good, unknowingly.
Yet you shattered me when times were bad, unknowingly.
And still, it was never you.
You showed me all those truths,
and together, all those lies
all those memorable moments,
and those, i have yet to forget.
And still, it was never you.
Now that you're gone,
I still feel that you're near.
Ever I long for,
and ever i Fear.
And still, 'twas never you.
Seeing you happy, i'm glad you were there
Seeing you sad, i yearn to be there.
but, nevertheless
it was never you..

To those who are experiencing a broken heart, this is for YOU.

ciao

the last airbender

finally, after all the hype and anticipation, the film failed to live up to its expectation. probably i was expecting a little too much.. but still, when i first saw the trailer, i told myself that this is a must watch. however, after watching this film, i am not sure if i will wanna catch book 2 and book 3 or not. i do love the cartoons, and i do think it is amazing, but it failed to translate properly to film. seriously, m.night, go back to where you belong, and leave major blockbusters alone. and the cast.. gosh!! do something!!

looks like my blog is slowly turning into a monthly update, instead of an outlet for me to channel my thoughts and emotions. sometimes, i get so conflicted inside that i don't know where to start. hence, the stagnation. other times, i just feel so tired about everything and don't really wanna blog about anything anymore. actually, i am feeling very very tired now. all, physically, mentally and emotionally. i need a break to get away from all these problems, baggage.. again.

it's now more than a month since i last accepted my new job. this is on top and above my current job. besides that, i am also so actively engaged in rectifying the faults in the gardens that i realised that i have no time for myself anymore. there are just so many things to do.. and the worst part, i cannot save the world. it is not in my powers to save the world. even if i had, the world is not worth to be saved (but then again, that is another story altogether). i do hope that certain things can change, and there are things that i can be proud of eventually. but i do question myself. where do i move from here. i really need to move on, and get away from all these things.

what i thought i have left behind comes back and haunt me once in a while. the powers that be sure has a funny way of reminding me of certain things. and there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed or broken. yes. i see the truth. there are times when i wonder if it is a boon or a bane to be able to see so much, but in this case, it is a boon. it is good for prevention.

i do realise that my defense mechanism is rather weak when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart and the mind. i'd realise that i prefer to walk away, or just turn away, rather than confronting the problem and addressing the issue. and the only thing i do best, is to blame myself for what has happened. seriously, i think i need to change this..but then again, it is virtually impossible to change this as it's been ingrained in me for so long.

alright, gonna keep learning to move on now, and also move to the bed.
ciao

3am,1107

it's been a while since i last posted anything here. not that i have abandoned the blog, but i guess i was running dry, and sometimes, i just don't feel like writing anything here at all. I guess tonight's a little different, as i am watching the third place play-off for the fifa world cup. am rooting for germany, but their performance in the last match (and this match) has been quite dismal.

watching footie, you say. so not me. but yea, every once in four years, I will gather some energy to join in the fun and watch the world cup. it is quite intesting to watch the teams play, and how they perform, as a team, and as a individual. it's not easy to bring together 11 people from different clubs, put them together, and expect them to fight as one. probably can be reflected on life too..but i guess when the banner is strong enough, the spirit will be then.

a little thing about the game this time around. isn't it a little funny that an octopus is also sharing so much limelight? haha. yup. octopus paul. although i did post up my intention to fry it, i maintain that the octopus is innocent, and doesn't determine the outcome of the game. i guess it was a convenient excuse, especially when we deal with losses. again, same can be seen for other normal events of our lives. we will tend to seek a convinient scapegoat to make our mistakes and losses more bearable.

the few weeks have been pretty hectic, and i expect the same to happen for the next four months. working for two organizations is pretty hard to juggle with, and will use more of my time as compared to normal. but i guess i cannot complaint. i shall only make a change when some things are in place. i can't wait, and yet i am not prepared.

had a short period to reflect on my jeykell and hyde traits again this afternoon, right after emceeing for the book launch of The Sara Saga and Hail,Penang!. i know i am comfortable appearing on stage, and can speak pretty well. but there is another part of me that questions my comfort of stepping into the limelight. i guess this question will never be answered.

enough of blabbering for a while. will continue to fill my life with more exciting things, and learn to enjoy the moment. after all, i continue to learn, to live and let die.

baby steps

the path is set. from now on, there is no turning back. it shall be the way, and i will make my baby steps towards the ultimate jump. there is no more caution, no more pretense, and no more play, for i have already made up my mind. moving forward, and moving far, that is the way to go.

ever wondered how it felt to stretch yourself to the max? it is amazing. the thrill, the drama and the emotions that can make or break any minute, any second.. am loving it. well, it shall not be the end of it.

crystals are beautiful, and they have another function too. probably i should be thankful that i finally dug out the crystal hidden in my closet for so long, and now, it is really aiding me in my life. i can finally understand, and then, take the most appropriate action.

will try to blog more, but there are no more guarantees now. taking life as it is, and living like i'm dying

rainbow 10

may 28th. i guess i shall now remember this day for quite a while. it was wesak day, and also, the start of my 'rainbow' tour to KL. it was the start, of something new. something that i had always wanted to try, and now that i've experienced it, i guess i am sure what i want even more. may 28th. however, it was pity that you didn't leave a name, and a number. but i have to say, thank god for bars that make long island teas... they sure know how to put in those maraschino cherries.. and they do wonders.

still on the rainbow tour, i finally saw the truth. i saw the crux of the matter, and i am adamant that i will not get involve in the whole mess. i cannot afford to be in the mess, as i am a wreck, and i have baggage. it is better that i become the escapade, rather than part of the mess. fun is all i need right now.

moved out of the stone age. finally got myself a new phone. probably it was a blessing in disguise, for if i had not lost the old one, i wouldn't have made such drastic changes. out with the old, and in with the new, they say. this couldn't be more true. i appreciate those who have been there in the past, but it is time to empty the closet and make room for new beginnings.

i am ready to try again. but you will have to accept me with all my baggage.

ciao

Time

time. how i wish i could turn it back. back to the time, where certain events did not take place. wish i could do it all again, but this time, only in a different manner. but then, again, wishful thinking. when will i ever realise that time lost is time never to be regained. it is only now time for me to look forwards, and move on.

and this time, i shall be doing it right. never again will it happen. this time, i sought my own misery. there shall be no next time. i call it quits now. there is no point for me to harp around, and be upset by the matters. it happened this time, but i swear ( and i really swear), never again will it happen.

the future. i am not certain what are the things to come. what to expect. are those possible futures that i see? or should i give everything up. i am at crossroads now, and it is hitting hard on me. where should i go?

no matter what the road, i shall channel my focus to my decision. no more fooling around. just energy and attention to the sole focus, even if it means wandering the earth as a penniless vagrant. no looking back. no regrets.

ciao
time, something to love and hate. tell me how to stop...

belated birthday blog

turning a year older may not be an easy thing for some, especially for me. while some tend to take it easy, and embrace it, it was harder for me. well, i guess being a quarter century old has its ups and downs. seriously, i had never envisage a life after 25. i don't see what i will become at 26, 27, 28 and so on. so, i guess it was a hard thing for me. but having said that, life still goes on, and i will march on ahead.

probably the blessing for this year is that i get to escape from loads and loads of affection. while some have conveniently forgotten, i get to escape with the pre-requisite dinners, sing-songs, candle blowing shit. i guess mondays are not that bad after all. however, i will not forget those who had spared the effort to help me celebrate. in fact, two people just bought me belated b'day meals.. no fan fare, just nice simple dinner.

also, i think i did turn a little wiser. i managed to see through it, i managed to expect the unexpected, and also not put hope on what i expect. although i may be frustrated to a certain point, i guess i've learnt to let go, and let live. after all, i cannot expect things to remain the same, forever. sometimes, things may turn out better, at times, it may turn out worst. so, i guess we have to accept both outcomes, no matter what it may be.

just a random thought. i had two cakes, and both were celebrated with ppl singing. while they may attempt to display enthusiasm, it did seem as if it was a funeral, and they were singing a requim. how apt. and the best part, the gift.. haha. a candle. couldn't be more fitting, then a gift to light my way in the afterlife. although i may not be certain what lies in the afterlife, i don't mind a light to guide my path. i've wandered in the dark enough here..

i guess this is as much as i can think of right now. work lies ahead, and that is what i am ready to take on. then, studies. as to the other matters.. i guess they can wait.

cheers

Closure..beginning

after missing in action for a while, i guess it is time to come back to blogosphere, and re-compose my thoughts. i never thought it would be that hard, but it was certainly an obstacle that i had to make it through. now it is done and over with, i guess i can move on. i have to admit, remnants of the obstacle will remain, but again, i will not let it have the better part of me.

looking back, the hiatus allowed me a lot of time to do some soul searching. i had no idea what i was looking for, but i guess eventually, everything cleared out. i can see that it is finally time to stop fooling around anymore. time to get back to my studies, time to make plans for the future, and time to 'clean up' my act.

it's also been a while since i came back from japan. then, it was followed by the chinese new year, and other work commitments, societal commitments, i guess i really lack the energy to move forward anymore. i've tried to dedicate myself so much to work, and then trying to lead a normal life. but i guess that cannot be helped. how do i start over? where do i start over? i need an answer.. but i believe those questions will never be answered.

as of now, i am officially a quarter century old. yup, all those saying, it is finally here. i hated every moment of it, am still hating it, but i guess i still have to put on a smile everyday. i wish it could all end now, but i guess it is not that easy.. if only there are options. some way. somehow, why are we not deciding our life? why are we being dictated by social norms, by other ppl's choices and options, and to a further extend, some unknown forces that controls life and death. why can't we just option to press the button, and let it all end.

sometimes, do you ever wonder if it is worth wasting all the energy and effort? all the thoughts, emotions, and work? just for an impulsive moment? and finally, regretting it later. i know it is too late to regret it now, and it has being done, but i just can't help but to feel a little irked by that. i need a closure, i believe it is there, but why can't i reach out to it, and close it up.

somebody save me..
teach me how to cry, and i will live and let die.

am off again. for how long, i am not sure. probably i'll be back. soon

cheers

hibernating part 2?

i'd just realise that the last post was posted when i was in kawasaki. more than a month have passed since then, but i am not keen on posting anything on here yet.

i will be back soon.

ciao