Something Good....

This post caught me by surprised. in fact, the whole flow of emotion tonight caught me by surprise. i should be sleeping now, but instead, i am overwhelmed to a certain extend. let's see.. me, in my usual nightly FB nosy-ing, saw this video posted up by a friend. i clicked on it, and this dude was singing 'Something Good' from the Sound of Music. to be honest, it wasn't good. It was fantastic. his voice, his control, and his emotions.. and then, i was caught.

you see, Something Good is one of those pieces that's forever etched in a little brain cell of my mind. the scene, whereby Maria and Capt Von Trapp stand in the gardens. looking at each other (with that loving glow), and how they burst into the song. I have sang that song so many times. in the shower, in the car, at home. but mostly, i sing it when i am feeling sad. i sing it to remind me that probably somewhere in my wicked childhood, i must have done something good. i sing that, being hopeful, that something good would happen to me (of course, nothing good ever happens to me). one can't blame me for being hopeful, right.

that's when suddenly, i have this flood of emotions. i feel like bursting out to tears. thinking over each and every single line of the song.. i am reminded that my life is not that sweet after all. i have yet to get beyond my past, and move on to embrace the present and anticipate the future. i have yet to find the person that will love me, whether it should or could.. good things, i have done not little.. and yet, where is my something good.

Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could. This was what i used to tell myself too.. NOTHING EVER COULD. then if nothing can happen, then why am i all bitter and sorrowful? and then, i come to think again.. when the singer sings 'for there you are, standing there, loving me', i can imagine.. what he sees and feel at the moment. to you and your loved one (which i know.. yes, i know). i wish you luck and all the best. and to you. you are damn lucky to have such an amazing person to dedicate such a beautiful song to you. again, i wish i could trade places with you.. but then, NOTHING EVER COULD.. haha. hence, i wish that you would treasure your keep, and wish you joy and happiness all the way.

ciao

fallen

after the whole situation, i guess i have finally fallen. i am not strong enough anymore. i am not cruel enough, not mean enough, and certainly not young enough to face it anymore. it consumed a little too much of me, and it was partly my doing..

4 times

blank.

days and nights are getting longer and harder to bear..

suddenly, by chance, by luck? or pre-arranged? i finally see the truth, and the light. i can finally see the other half now. 7 months now... congrats

you

you, of all people, decided to show up at this time. well, i respect human rights, but why must you be there. you could always be somewhere else, with somebody else. and yet, you showed up. right in front of me. and what does my keeper says?? go dance, and initiate conversation. you were not dancing, and you disappeared before i knew it. how would i to do the following? and futher still, i would regret it no matter what. so, let's just keep it at status quo... btw, i just have to say, you look really good tonight. ever as charming, ever as alluring, and yet, ever as far to reach as ever.
i was never born to reach your standards, i was never born to be on par with you. i was never born to be with you. then, why do you still appear to remind me of the things that i shouldn't exists for. i know, that i cease to exists, things would be so much better for so many. besides, you would never know nor care that whether i exists or not. i am never in your radar..
typing this tonight is really hard, as i am really drunk. i have doused myself crazy with the wine from the club, and add on those that i took from home, it is insane. well, i am longing for this sensation. at least, it takes me away from everything. let me lead a carry free life, whereby all worries and sorrow is gone, replaced by a half sober mind. at least, you are the last thing in my mind before i pass...

i should have seen what i was... the butt of jokes. i should have stayed by a sudden epiphany that i shouldn't go for gatherings involving more than 4 ppl. probably, that will keep me sane. i am not myself. i don't wanna be who i am today!! i wanna die.... i wanna let go of everything and move on. nothing is worth cherishing every moment. every moment is a burden for me... i just wanna pass on.. whereby things will be better, hopefully.

guess i will still become the wallflower that i ever will be. never seen. never known, i will forever be the one that is despised, that is overlooked, that is ignored, and that is shadow. no matter how much i climb into the limelight, i fall short of reaching the destination, for darkness finds it easier to stand in between me and whatever i want.

what's the point of looking good?? what's the point of dressing up? what's the point of putting the effort to look a little better, when all you end up is misery?? this world is only meant for certain people, and i certainly am not in the list. you look good, no matter what you put on and what you do. you are perfect, and i'd wish you that you would notice me. but no.... hahaha, silly dreams!! teenage dreams that shouldn't have happened
again, why YOU!! YOU, of all people, should be there. you!! you!! i don't know to love you or to hate you!! but you!! you are the cause of my misery tonight, and yet you will never know...YOU WILL NEVER KNOW..
these tears are for you. thank you, and you are most welcomed.. you, the one that will never know

D.I.V.A

I saw the banner to my blog. it says D.I.V.A. that stands for divine, intimidating, vain and attractive. sadly, the present me is no longer any of those persona. i am no longer what i used to be, and i can't say that i am happy being who i am now.

fate has a funny way on working on people. hence, i believe in karma. i believe that for every action, there is a reaction. probably not in this lifetime. probably from another past. but there are some ppl that i owe.. and now they are back in my life, waiting for payment. i guess how many ppl more do i have to repay before i can move on. how many people more to shatter me, break me into pieces, and turn me to waste before i am done with.

everytime i sink into a bout of depression, i feel that i am one step closer to my end. but everytime i long for the end, it will never come. will i ever come to the end of my story, to finally put a stamp on these pages, and start a different book? i've been stuck on this chapter over and over again, and i couldn't move on. every year, it gets harder on me..

how do people know my name. how do people get to know me before even allowing me to know them? why do people know me, and expect me to be great? expect me to be fantastic? expect me to become something that i am not? why? how? i want a stop.

is it ever that hard to ask for something simple? something very basic like getting you to surprise me? pick me up for dinner or a movie? take me somewhere away? being able to pay for me, and make me feel pampered? i am not asking for the sun, the moon and the stars. and yet, i get nothing in return. maybe i should ask for the sun, the moon and the stars. only then, will i see where i belong.

death. insanity. vile. agony. this star is dying, and nothing can be done to restore it. its only last wish is that it can go out with a boom...

burnt in flames

everyone has a special ability. i am not talking about the ability to fly, or to see through walls, but the ability to make changes, and makes a person stand out. i too, had one. i thought, at least, i had.
but now, i have come to realise that i also have the ability to fade out. to tune out, and to disappear into the background.
the feeling of having seated in the corner of a club, filled with people, and still not get noticed, not a single hi, not a single smile, amazing.
the feeling of clearing the jam-packed dance floor within minutes, amazing.
where do i go? where do i stand? what do i do? sometimes, i don't know..

i am not sure if i have blogged on karma before, but now, i have come to realise that one cannot beat karmic forces. although one may be able to reduce the karmic forces, make amends, and lighten it, certain forces will come back in time to haunt you. perhaps, my time is now. the karmic forces are returning, and i have no one to talk to.. no one to turn to. no shoulder to rest my weary head. no arm to wrap around me, to assure me that everything is going to be ok. the time is now..

over the past week, i placed some emphasis on setting the foundation right. but even the sturdiest foundation, may give way. as a bystander, i am not sure what to feel to see a bridge collapse and fall. but having seen how it has taken a toll on so many issues, probably it should be a closure. is it a berlin wall? or is it a commoner's bridge. only time will tell.

the look, the hair, the style, the skin, the face, the charm, the charisma, the wealth, the company, the surrounding.. how i wish i could trade place with you, and be you. but i know, it won't happen. i can never be you, and certainly not a part of you. i will never exist in your dictionary.. however, you are still able to draw out the deepest darkest feelings that i have sealed in my secret labyrinth. i must say, you are certainly amazing. if only we had a different set of fate..

although i have grown to love myself, there is also an opposite force of self-loathing that i can't help. i hate every aspect of myself. most importantly, i hate my physical appearance. it is the worst torture, and the worst suffering a man could handle. in this skin, i bleed the hardest. in this skin, i hurt the most. my only consolation, that i am the last of the line, and i will not allow this physical and mental suffering to continue in generations to come.

Giving up

Love. I have never given up on love. despite the many sorrows that come with it, i still believe in the sanctity of love. i still believe in the powers that come with love. how it can change the course of history. how it can change a person's heart. what i have given up is to find love for myself. everytime i seek, i end up on the losing end. i end up losing faith. i end up losing myself, and all the people that surrounds me at that moment. if there is any doubt if i had lost the will to love, yes. but i still believe in love. i still believe in waiting for the right person to come. but i also believe that it may not happen to me in this lifetime. so, i shall learn to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on.

fairytale romances are for little kids. kids with bubbles built from reading these storybooks. falling asleep waiting for the right person to come. some kids never grow out of it. whereas, some are exposed to the dark side of romances. the side that bears envy, jealousy and resent. i guess i still harbour a little hope for romance to happen, but i have also seen the dark side, and i am trying not to let these things take over my life. dreams are easily shattered, and i should learn to wake up and stop dreaming

ciao

how do...

how do you help to mend a broken heart? when you can't even mend your own.
how do you tell the truth? when everyday you are living a lie.
how do you live every waking moment? hoping that death comes knocking the next second.
how do you love another? when loving yourself is so hard.
how do you speak? how do you walk? how do you think? how do you act?
how do other hear? how do others see? how do others comprehend? how do others react?

it's amazing how we lead our lives. how we do things. how we even react to certain things. i know i have not been easy. but live hasn't been kind on me either. everytime i seek closure for something, life messes it up.
everytime i wanna open something, life messes it up too.
is this how Murphy's law supposed to work?
is this the pleasure gained from the powers that be?
to ruin me? to make me miserable? to make me suffer? to see me hurt?

at this junction, i wonder
do i close the door? do i seal my windows? do i freeze my palace?
or do i even continue to leave it open, letting the last bit of heat to warm?
do i continue to stare out, looking at summer love?
or do i place my heart out, waiting for the winter cold?

tears i have none, regrets i have a tonne
sometimes i see all, but at the same time, i see none
how strange, i wonder
as we go closer, we drift further apart.

ciao

MESS

am trying to reopen a can of worms here, and see how much i can let loose. probably it will help me learn better, probably it'll remain just the same.

i've been a mess. a wonderful mess. it is exceptional that it could have been perfect. never have i, in my 26 years of existence, have to go to the emergency ward 3 times in a row. while the first one was just as a company, i nearly died during the second and third times. i do wonder, why do i keep on hurting so much. already, emotional and mental anguish is hard to bear daily, i have to couple it with physical pain? to the point that i had to be admitted to the hospital for 4 days for observation and treatment for tonsillitis. i do wonder when can all these predicament end. as i have expressed my desire for a tonsillectomy in the near future, let's hope that it will be a closure to all the pain and suffering that i've had.

seriously, from the first night we met, it seemed like i've offended the whole universe, and it is now out to get me. was it sheer coincidence? or is it a fragment of my imagination, i seriously don't know. things are going from bad to worse. will my death be the ultimate answer to your existance in my life? the flu, followed by the lymph nodes and tonsil inflammation, followed by the fall, the dehydration, the tonsillitis and fever, and possibly now, a skin allergy. why have i got to bear all the punishment while you enjoy the pleasure?

sometimes, i don't understand. why do you want to keep me in ur guard? is it because i am easy going, easily conned, easily pursuaded? or just to naive to give everything. from money, to time to effort. all just to satisfy what you need. even when i am lying nearly dead on the hospital bed, you had to get what you want. the reality is, i can't even support myself. how am i supposed to support another person. what kind of mess have i got myself into

everytime we talk, sms, or interact, it has always been about you. you. you. you and you only. it was never about me. and when i put me, i get sidelined, pushed away, and replaced by you. while i have never complained about this before, it did make me realise that it is not worth my while. then, how do i pull away. what is the difference between me and your friend? aren't we all bound by the hooks and webs that you laid when we first met? i don't know

there's going to be a new change in my life. i am now back as a student in the university, and hopefully will obtain my masters in 2 years, or possibly a direct doctorate in 5. am praying for the latter. well, i guess the transition time is also good for me to review my priorities in life. they should go as such: studies, gym, health and family. i will, once again, remove love from the whole equation as i don't want anymore distractions.

let's just be friends, ok?

people said that i've changed. especially when i am with you. probably i do. probably i am more tolerant, more silent, more bearable. but is it because i am the only person trying to make things work? probably i should stop all those lies and return to what i was previously.

enough for now, as i am getting really tired. antibiotics are no good for the system, and yet i have to take them like candies thanks to a simple mistake. tonsils. seriously, for the proponent of evolution: why is mankind so stupid to retain useless pieces of body for eventual removal?

why do we hurt? how do we stop the pain?

ciao
ben

crossroads

again, i find myself confunded by hecate's schemes. i am standing at the crossroads again, wondering what to do. which path should i take, and which journey will be the best for me. i know for certain that all of them will eventually lead me to the realm of hades, but i certainly want to take the road that is least painful and least hurtful.

a month. apart from the first time, there is nothing left. probably lust works stongest when you first meet. it will eventually die off, leaving you nothing but a sad memory. although we've been out together so many times, i fail to notice my retaining power. i fail to see how am i going to maintain you. i know that money is certainly buying your love now, but where do we go when the money ends. am i, but just a fool??

i have to keep on being something that i am not, just to ensure that you will be happy. just to ensure that you will be with me. but is this worth it?? will i never get to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore? or will i never get to admire myself anymore?? i always wonder about the end of the day. well, i guess i should be wondering so much, consider the day has already ended when we meet.

learning to let go. probably i should do so when i still love you. they say, short term pain is much better than a prolonged pain. probably we should just break it off when the time is still favourable. but how do i bring myself to tell this to you? i don't wanna lose a friend. but i don't wanna lose my senses and my life.

hair. eyes. arms. body. leg. hair. torso

there is nothing that i can do now but humbly surrender myself to the will of the powers that be. i guess i am ready to take the challenge. i am, but a small piece of rook in this ever big game of chess..

ciao

i am not happy

i think it is kinda rare to find me putting my emotions on my heading. but i guess now, why hide? yea. i am not happy. and i am not ashamed to admit it. i have never been truly happy, and things are certainly not looking any brighter now.

turning 26.. guess what, it was one of the lousiest birthday of my life. every year, it gets worst. perhaps i am expecting a little more. perhaps there shouldn't be a compromise. but things turned totally against me, despite the attempts of friends to make it work for me. i guess my desire for surprise did come true. just that it wasn't a very pleasant surprise. however, there is no one that i could blame, for it is only me wanting everything to be better.

i am not happy on my chances (or lack of) in getting one of the most coveted scholarships in malaysia. it was a risk that i dared for, but it has fallen out of my favour. probably i am expecting a little too much. again, it is just me, and my perceptions. however, i didn't give up, as i did go for another attempt somewhere else. heck, if m'sia doesn't want me, perhaps somewhere else would want me..

i am not happy with work. in fact, i haven't done much over the couple of days, as i prefer to idle my time on other matters such as the queen's coronation (which by the way, is the most spectacular thing that i have ever witnessed). i understand the lack of motivation as a sub-expression of my emotional control, but the working environment is not exactly conducive for me, nor motivating for me to strive further.

emotions. they tend to overwhelm me. again, i was brought to realise that i expect a little more, and the present situation is not as desired. hence, i am not happy. if only things could change. if only i don't have to waste that much time, energy and financial resources. probably i should just take a step back and revert to my original self, and atone for my sins.

i am not happy. i have sinned, and i don't know how to atone for it. i shouldn't have loved at the first place, and i shouldn't have harboured love. love, passion and desires are sins that are consuming me. bringing me closer to the flames of hell. if only i know of redemption.

ciao